Looking into her eyes, so full of worry and affection, he felt himself start to tremble. It started on the inside and worked outward. Pretty soon his whole body was shaking.
“Hey now,” she said softly. “It’s all right.” Pulling him into her arms, she rubbed his back in calming motions. “You have to let it out.”
Suddenly pressure exploded in his chest, and he gulped in air as emotions came over him: pain, grief, fear. The feelings had been buried for so long because there’d been no other choice but to just knuckle down and bore through life. He’d had to ignore them to the best of his ability. Now they rose up like a tide and came out all at once. “Apple,” his voice broke on a sob.
“Shhh, I’m here, Jake.” Arms so tender and yet so capable hugged him tight, like he was something special that she wasn’t ever letting go. “Let me love you better, baby.”
Spilling over with emotion for his father, for her—for him—Jake took her mouth in an almost desperate kiss. Everything seemed to be unraveling, crashing over him, and he didn’t know what to do, how to think. The only thing he knew was the feel of Apple in his arms and an emotion so strong, so pure that it overwhelmed him.
He needed his anchor.
Jake wrapped her in his arms and headed directly to her bedroom, letting his heart lead the way.
Chapter Seventeen
THE NEXT MORNING Jake woke early and slipped from the bed while Apple was still asleep. Heaviness and heartache weighed him down. But it wasn’t all for his dad.
It was for her too.
Because somewhere along the way, like an asshole he’d gone and fallen in love with Apple. Against his intentions, against his plans—hell, against his will. Still, last night when they’d been together, he’d felt it. Maybe more accurately, he’d been unable to deny it. It had revealed itself so clearly.
He’d been in love with Apple his whole life.
And he sure as shit didn’t deserve her.
His stomach went achy. There was so much that he’d hidden from her, so much to come clean about. Because the guilt was eating him alive and he couldn’t stand it anymore, regardless of the promise he’d made his father. How would Apple feel once she found out that he’d been withholding more from her this whole time? Keeping his ancestors’ story from her was bad enough. Now that things had turned serious between them, there was another issue to address as well: his unwillingness to have children. Before things went any further, any deeper, he had to tell her so she could make up her own mind. Before she could get hurt. She deserved better than that.
And he was going to give it to her.
He’d realized last night after she’d fallen asleep on his shoulder and he’d lain there awake thinking about his pop, life, and choices, that he wanted a real relationship with Apple. Like the most natural decision in the world, it had come to him and settled over him like his favorite sweatshirt. He wanted the whole damn thing with her: the dogs, the house, the picket fence. He wanted whatever she wanted. Whatever made her happy and smile like she did. No matter what it was, he was all in. One hundred and fifty percent.
Except for one thing.
And it was a big one.
He had to come clean with her, and it could very possibly drive her away, if the fact that he’d lied to her about his ancestors wasn’t enough.
“Christ, I’ve made a mess,” he said to Waffles as she lay curled up on her girly dog bed, looking at him in interest with her head cocked sideways. “You know she’s going to dump my sorry ass when she finds out I won’t have kids, right?”
“What do you mean you won’t have kids?”
Jake’s heart seized. Turning slowly, he flinched when he saw the confused, shocked look on Apple’s sweet sleep-flushed face. “Good morning,” he evaded. “How did you sleep?”
He watched as she eyed him warily, hoping beyond hope that she’d drop it until he had a better way to break it to her. This was the last thing he wanted. Christ, he’d hoped to ease into the conversation.
Instead of answering, she moved away from the doublewide archway, the wide legs of her pajamas swishing with the movement. Reaching the cupboard, she opened it and pulled out the bag of coffee stored on the bottom shelf. In mounting silence, Jake waited while she performed her morning routine of making coffee. Once she hit the brew button, she dusted her hands together and finally looked at him.
“I slept well, thank you. You?” The words were warm, but the tone was a little chilly.
Anxiety crept up Jake’s neck. When it came to Apple, he knew what that tone meant. “I was good. I had you with me.”
Her eyes softened. “That’s a lovely thing to say to me.”
“It’s the truth. Best sleep of my life is when I’m with you.” Every morning he woke up rested and full of energy. It was kind of amazing.
She walked over to him then and kissed him so sweetly, so tenderly, that it nearly brought tears to his eyes.
Her eyes were a little dazed when the kiss ended. “You’re an incredibly sweet man underneath all the gruff, you know that?”
Guilt slammed into him with a granite fist. “Apple,” he started. “I—”
“Know exactly the right things to say to avoid getting yourself into trouble.” But she didn’t sound mad. She didn’t sound happy either. Looking into her eyes, Jake searched their blue depths, and he didn’t see anger there. Thank God.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all he could say. He was just plain sorry he hadn’t told her before now.
The coffeemaker beeped, jarring them both. Stepping away from him, Apple went to the counter and retrieved her favorite mug from the wall rack. “Why don’t you tell me what you meant when I walked in a few minutes ago while I make my coffee, okay? Because it sounded an awful lot like you said you won’t have kids. But that can’t be right, can it?”
There it was. The one conversation he’d been dreading for weeks. The same one that he knew he absolutely had to have with her if they were going to have a real future together.
It killed him, knowing how much it was going to hurt her. “I didn’t want you to hear it this way, Apple. I’m sorry.”
“Tell me everything, now, please. I’d like to clearly understand what’s going on.”
Jake took a deep, fortifying breath. “I’m not having children.”
She set the mug very carefully back onto the counter before slowly rounding on him. “Why ever not, pray tell?”
Shit, she’d gone Jane Austen. That was not a good sign. He held out his hands, leaning his butt against the counter. “Apple.”
“Don’t you ‘Apple’ me,” she snapped, her eyes cloudy with hurt and uncertainty. “I’ve only been up ten minutes, for chrissake, and I haven’t had any coffee. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to have a serious conversation before I’ve even had a chance to fortify myself?”
He didn’t know what to say. She looked so confused and defensive and soft. All he wanted to do was walk over to her and wrap her into his arms. To beg for her forgiveness. To tell her he was sorry.
But he didn’t dare.
Not when she had eyes like that.
Instead he simply tried again, “Apple, please.”
“What do you mean you’re not having kids?” She tipped her head to the side to study him, her long loose hair cascading over her shoulder. “Is this a ‘single guy, bachelor sort of thing,’ or are you really truly serious?”
Nerves gripped him, made his stomach jittery. But she needed the truth. “I’m serious. I’m sorry, Apple, but I really am.”
Now she crossed her arms and frowned at him. “What’s wrong with kids?”
“Nothing,” he instantly replied, meaning it.
“Then what’s the problem?” she asked, giving him a look that obviously said, WTF, idiot?
She wasn’t wrong. He felt like an idiot for not telling her the truth way back at the beginning. “There’s nothing wrong with them, Apple. It’s what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s something w
rong with you? What?”
He tossed her a small crooked smile. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“Actually, no,” she countered with a tense voice, her agitation clearly growing. “What’s going on, Jake?”
He could see that she was on the verge of tears, and it made him feel about two inches tall. God, he’d thought the vasectomy was the responsible thing to do!
Now he was pretty sure it was going to be his ruin, regardless of responsible or not. Fuck.
“I really just wanted to do the right thing. I swear,” he muttered, mostly to himself, feeling at a loss.
But she heard him. She scooped up Waffles and hugged her close, Apple’s hair tumbling down her back in a shimmering blonde mass. “I don’t want any excuses, Jake. Not anymore. I want to know everything that you’ve been hiding from me. What is this thing you did that you thought was so responsible? And what does it have to do with not wanting children?”
Seeing that it was pointless to hedge, he scrubbed his hands over his face and said the truth with a sinking heart. “My family has a genetic disorder that has affected almost every single male in my family for as long back as anyone can remember. It’s called familial glioma, and it’s a fairly rare genetic condition that causes brain tumors and cancer in the males of my family. It’s an awful, horrific sex-linked gene mutation, Apple.”
Her eyes went wide. “It causes brain tumors and cancer?”
Jake nodded, hating what he was going to say next. “Yes. Harvey was one of the very few in my family who didn’t have it, Apple.” He sucked in a breath, gathered courage. “My father has it though.”
“Oh my God,” she said, her hand flying to her breast. “Was that what you were talking to the doctor about when you disappeared with him?”
“Yes.” His hands ached to reach for her. He rubbed his palms against the edge of the counter instead.
“Jake, I’m so sorry. Did you already know? Was last night when you found out?” She gave him a sympathetic look. “Are you still processing?”
He shook his head. “I’ve known for a long time. Probably since I was about twelve.”
“Wow, what a heavy load for a kid to bear.”
He nodded, still wanting nothing more than to go to her, but knowing that as soon as he confessed it all she’d probably rather kick him than hug him. And she sure wouldn’t be sympathetic. Swallowing, he raised a hand out toward her, needing to feel her touch, but dropped it back to his side. “My dad’s crazy, Apple, but it’s not from the alcohol. It’s from a large tumor pressing on his amygdala—the emotion center of the brain. It drives his behavior. The drinking is just how he’s learned to cope.”
Her lips pressed into a tight line, and her eyes went wet. Turning, she set Waffles back down. “Oh my God, why haven’t you told me before?” She stopped dead like she had a thought. “Wait. Have you told anyone?”
He gave a grim shake of his head and shrugged. “Why? What good would it do? This whole damn town’s made up their minds about my old man. Besides, he’s still a drunk, Apple. People might like me because I’m a Bachelor and have a shit ton of money; and they might feel sorry for my dad knowing he’s sick, but they’ll never forget he’s a drunk, first and foremost. Or all that he’s done. People are small that way.”
She was silent for a moment, looking out her big kitchen window at the sun rising outside. “Not all of us,” she muttered, then asked, “Why won’t you have kids? Do you have the gene too?”
The one question he truly dreaded.
Instead of answering, he looked her straight in her blue eyes and hoped for a miracle. “Is having kids a big deal for you?”
She crossed her arms, stating flatly, “You know it is.”
He did. She’d been vocal about her desire for a big family for as long as he could remember. Jake sighed, giving it up. Maybe it was best this way. Apple could do so much better than the likes of him anyway. She deserved better.
“I don’t know if I carry the mutated gene, Apple. But I’ve been keeping tabs over the years on a test that’s being developed that screens for the gene sequence, but it’s still in the pre-publicly-available stage—and it might be for a really long time still. It’s already been in this stage for years.” He shook his head, his gut feeling hollow. “That’s not the only thing though. I, um, saw a doctor when I was twenty-one about my family’s inheritable gliomas and mental illness. After reviewing my history, she agreed that there was significant risk of transmission. I asked her to perform a vasectomy so that I could never pass my genes on. Without a test to confirm my health clearance, the vasectomy was my only option, Apple. It was the right and responsible thing to do.”
“You keep saying that.” Tears welled in her eyes, and her chin trembled, killing him. “So you’re never having babies, is that what you’re really getting at? No two ways about it—just no babies. None?”
Keeping his eyes steady on hers, he shook his head, dying a little inside. “No, I’m not. You know my father, the way he is. I refuse to subject a child to that. It was really hard growing up under that weight, and I just won’t do it to someone else. If I’m going to start exhibiting traits of this damned disease too, I’d rather do it alone, without risking putting someone else through hellish agony.”
“And what do you mean ‘exhibit traits’?”
“I’m healthy now, but I might not always be, Apple. I’m not in the clear. The really crappy thing about this fucking disease is that it doesn’t tend to affect males until their mid- to late thirties. Right about now for me, actually. I’ve had MRIs, and everything is normal so far, but that can change drastically almost overnight. Tomorrow might be the day I begin to unravel. I just don’t know. Every single damn day I wake up wondering if today is the day I’m going to lose my mind. It’s kind of a shitty way to start your day.”
Apple raised a hand and closed her eyes briefly like she was having a hard time taking it all in.
“Don’t you remember my dad when we were kids, Apple? He wasn’t always the way he is now.”
“I remember.” She crouched and picked up Waffles again. It was almost like she needed something to do with her hands. “He used to coach your Little League team, didn’t he?”
“Yeah,” Jake said with a crooked smile, feeling warmth spread across his chest with the memory. “Me and Aidan’s. He loved it so much. At the end of every season he’d take the team out for ice cream down at the Lazy Cow Creamery, and afterward we’d all dump a bucket of water on his head.” His smile faltered some as sadness crept in. “I can still recall the way he’d roar in surprise and then start laughing. Just laugh and laugh.” He glanced at Apple. “It was the best.”
“You miss him,” she stated softly.
Coughing over a sudden lump in his throat, Jake cleared it and replied, “Yeah, I guess I do. He was a good dad. A good man. It saddens me to see it end this way for him, you know?”
She didn’t answer. Didn’t have to. The warmth and sympathy in her gaze told him enough. She understood. And it hit him then how much that meant.
He needed her understanding.
Always had.
“When did things start to change with him?”
“Around the time I was five. Or at least that’s what my mother said before she left. But I don’t remember that. I remember things with him like Little League and camping. So I think she really meant that he started drinking when I was about that old. I don’t remember his behavior actually becoming erratic until I was about twelve or thirteen.”
“And you’re afraid that yours might follow in his footsteps.”
The lump in his throat was back. Damn thing. “I am.”
She was silent for a moment, watching him. “And you didn’t think all this information was important to tell me?”
He told the truth. There was nothing else he wanted to give her. “I didn’t think a relationship with us would grow to a point that it mattered, honestly.”
“Sleeping with me wasn’t a good enough ind
ication for you?” she snapped, her sudden sharp tone slicing him like a knife.
Well, when she put it that way . . . but no, it never had before. “I’ve never been emotionally involved with someone I slept with, Apple. I know what that says about me, and it’s the plain ugly truth. I’m a shallow asshole. My personal history has just never mattered to a woman I’ve dated before. It didn’t enter my mind that it did with you. That it would.” He gestured between them. “With us. I’m sorry, Apple, I really am.”
Her eyes were dark and unreadable. “You know how much I want a family, Jake. You’ve heard me go on and on about it since we were kids. I can’t believe you honestly didn’t think it was information worth sharing with me, trusting me with.”
“I didn’t think our feelings would get involved. Didn’t think it would matter.”
She glared at him. “So when this whole thing started you never expected to have feelings for me? Wow, that hurts, Jake. A lot.”
“No, it’s not that! I just didn’t think. Period.”
“Damn straight you didn’t think,” she muttered.
He stepped toward her but froze when she gave him a look that promised something very bad would happen if he made another move. “That’s not what I meant, you know that.”
“No, I don’t know that, Jake Stone,” she said, loud enough this time that Waffles whimpered. “I’m sorry about your dad and your family disease. I really am. I’m sad and outraged for you.” She waved her hand around the kitchen and at them. “But this is too much. You’ve been lying to me about a lot of stuff, and I’m really sincerely hurt. You should have trusted me. Out of all the people in your life, I’m one of the good ones, and you know that. So I’m really upset that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me. Oh, and side note: when you’re sleeping with me, there’s going to be feelings involved, all right? It’s how I’m made. I deserved the truth, and you know it.” She threw up her hand, clearly overwhelmed. “Jeez, Jake, now I’m also wondering what else you’ve got that you’ve been holding out on. What else haven’t you told me?” She planted a hand on her hip and cradled her dog in the other arm. “You’d better come clean now.”
Talking Dirty Page 18
