A Cowboy for Mom

by Honor James

  There was more grumbling and a lot of shuffling feet as the ranch hands all thanked Esther for dinner before departing from the house. Carson got to his feet and moved to Esther. “You can give them my helping as well, Es. I’ll be in the barn if you need me,” he said quietly before leaving the kitchen.

  Sighing, Esther shook her head and muttered under her breath.

  Carrie waited until her mother’s hands were full and said, “I will head out and see if he needs help.” Before Monica could stop her she was out the door and chasing after Carson. Slowing to a walk, she fell in step alongside him. Every move she made was him all over. “So what do you do in the barn?” she asked him as they walked along. “Can I help you? I’ve never really been around animals except like Mom said, cats and dogs, and crap like that.” She looked up at him and frowned. “You really don’t like my mom at all, do you?”

  Carson shot her a look and shook his head. “I have no opinion one way or another about your mother. I don’t really know her,” he said. His tone suggested something that she was missing. Damn adults and their ‘secret’ code. “I was going to check the horses in there and make sure they were comfortable. We have three mares that are going to give birth in the next couple of weeks and we have a stallion with a cut we’re having to keep an eye on. You’re welcome to come along, but I should warn you that you may not like the smell in there.” He shot her a decidedly evil-looking grin as they reached the door and he rolled it open, waving her through.

  She shrugged and laughed. “My mom tried to cook meatloaf once. Once,” she grumbled. “Believe me, I can handle the smells,” she said with a smile. “I’ve never seen anything give birth before. I hope that they have them while we’re here. If so, can I watch? Can I watch them having their babies or whatever they’re called?”

  “Foals,” he said with a chuckle, sliding the door shut again. “Keep your voice down and modulated to a calm tone. Horses are extremely sensitive to our moods, and all those in here need to be kept calm. As to a birthing,” he shrugged. “I’m sure we can arrange it. But you should know, it usually happens in the dead of the night so you’ll have to come out at whatever time the mare decides she’s ready to drop her foal.”

  “That’s chill, I totally can do that,” Carrie said as she moved along with him. “You are really pretty pissed that we are all here at your place, aren’t you? How did you get talked into this craptacular job of teaching a couple of Hollywood idiots how to be real life ranchers?”

  He shot her a look and then shrugged. “I have this friend, who happens to be the bane of my existence these days, he talked me into it. I’ve known Matthew since I was in diapers. We did the whole school thing together, and then after high school he went to work for his dad’s company and I took over the ranch. When he originally brought it up I turned him down flat. But then my pain-in-the-ass sister, who I do actually love when I don’t feel the need to kill her, stuck her nose into it.”

  Moving to a stall, he rolled the door open and stepped inside. Running his hand over the large stallion’s head, she could hear Carson speaking quietly to the horse as he bent to look at a wrapping on the front leg. The horse was eyeing her in a curious manner, even as his ears twitched back and forth slightly.

  “Bev felt it was a good idea. I told her to stick it where the sun didn’t shine and then it went downhill from there,” he told her as he straightened up. Leaning a shoulder to the horses, he rolled his eyes. “She’s been trying to run my life for the last fifteen years. Thankfully, she lives at the other end of the country or she’d be buried out in one of the pastures. And no, that isn’t just me talking, I couldn’t stand living with her growing up, let alone during my recovery. Fortunately, her husband was on my side for that, and got her out of here before I was sent to the Big House on a murder charge. And it would have been premeditated—really, really premeditated.”

  Patting a hand to the horse’s chest, he walked out of the stall and slid the door shut before moving to the next one. “Anyway, somewhere in there we fought and I ended up saying I’d do it if she’d get off my back for the rest of my life. She agreed, after many little sniffles and crap that women pull out, no offense, and I signed on, which made Mathew happier than a clam and now means he owes me big. Course, he doesn’t know that I didn’t do it all out of the goodness of my heart, which is why he seems to believe I’m doing it, so don’t tell him otherwise.”

  He looked to her, “Only my sister doesn’t seem to be keeping to her side of the damned agreement, and keeping her bloody nose out of my life. I reminded her of this again tonight, rather loudly and with very harsh language. Hell, at that rate, I may never get another call from her.” The look on his face was a bit rueful but a lot happier at the mere prospect, then it fell. “I’m not that damned lucky,” he muttered.

  Pushing open another stall door, he stepped inside with the very pregnant mare. “Hello, Darla,” he said to the horse, stroking her nose gently. “I know baby, you’re uncomfortable.” The horse shifted and whinnied, tossing her head around. “Couple more weeks is all, Darla. Then you will be able to go and run around with the others again with your baby.”

  He turned to look at her. “Want to come in and meet the mother-to-be?” he asked softly.

  “Yeah, I would like that,” Carrie said as she watched him. “Yeah, Mom’s talked about people like your sister before.” His sister was the one that her mom had actually spoken of. “So what should I do? Like, is she like dogs when they are hurt, and will bite or something?” Carrie had never been around a beast this large.

  Laughing softly, he shook his head. “Horses are, in general, very gentle creatures but like any animal, they have nonverbal communication skills. Stroke her nose and if she’s good with you, she’ll dip her head down to let you rub between her ears. Just keep your fingers away from her mouth and you’ll be fine. They tend to see our digits as carrots or something of that sort.”

  “Yeah, I would be seriously pissed if I had a finger eaten. I have a friend who is deaf and I need all of my digits to speak to her or else conversations really suck.” Carrie moved forward and lightly touched the animal, taking her time and then rubbing softly. “She feels weird, but it’s not a bad weird,” she told the man, her father.

  “A little rough and yet a bit soft, right?” he asked. At her nod, he tipped his head slightly. “That can be said about a lot of things in life. Here.” He dug into his jacket pocket and handed her an apple. “Set it in your palm and keep your hand flat, fingers together with your thumb tucked to your hand.” He demonstrated what he meant for her and then waved her on.

  “Yeah.” She eyed the horse and then him. “And you are totally sure that she won’t bite my hand off?” He nodded. She took a deep breath and trusted him. He was, after all, her father. “So why don’t you have kids and a wife and stuff?” she asked as she stepped forward to let the animal eat from her hand and laughed, a laugh that, if he listened, sounded just like his own. “That tickles.” She giggled.

  Chuckling, he stroked the mare's neck while he stared past her, his gaze slightly unfocused. “I had only one woman in my life that I really cared for and could have loved for eternity. She was amazing, stunning, and could make even the most stern old fart in town smile just to hear her laugh. She left while I was in the hospital, I don’t know where or why, just left. I didn’t find out until months later, when I could finally communicate with everyone to ask about her. My sister told me she’d heard of the accident but apparently didn’t care. She ran off with some guy and that was the last anyone heard.” He smiled sadly and shook his head slowly. “I just hope she found the happiness I obviously couldn’t give her.”

  Straightening, he waved her toward the doorway before sliding the stall door shut. “You’re awfully nosey for a teenager. Shouldn’t you be full of angst and rebelling against the system or something?” he asked with a teasing grin while they moved to the next stall.

  Carrie snorted. “My mom is too good to me for tha
t,” she admitted. “And what if that wasn’t what happened?” She gave the second mare a pat after it finished the apple. “Did you ever try to look her up? You know, sometimes what you think is true and what is true, well, they aren’t exactly always the same things.” She shrugged and pulled back. Shoving her hands in her pockets, she added, “Besides, if you cared that much about her, why didn’t you tell her?”

  “I thought I had all the time in the world,” he said quietly. They were moving to the third mare, where he talked softly and checked her over before they left the stall. He sat on a hay bale and pulled his Stetson off, running his fingers through the blond strands. “My biggest regret was never knowing what I did wrong to send her running. I tried to find her for awhile but I had no clue where to even begin. Plus, at the time, I was trying to save this place from ruin, working eighteen hour days when I got out of the hospital, and then time just seemed to have passed me by.”

  Setting the hat on his knee, he pressed his palms to the bale as he leaned forward a bit. “I know I likely could have tried harder, but honestly at the time I thought I’d done all I could with my limited resources. Besides, she never once contacted me either so maybe she really didn’t feel anything for me beyond a passing bit of emotion.” Shrugging, he looked to her then. “I just really hope she found whatever she was looking for and has all she ever dreamed of. As long as she’s happy, then I suppose it’s best she left me when she did.”

  Carrie sat down beside him and shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe she did, but I don’t think she did.” She shrugged. “You could ask her, you know,” she said with a grin. “I know for a fact she’s sleeping in your guest room…well, no, I take that back. Right now, she’s standing there giving me a shitty look.” Carrie rose and walked toward her mom. Over her shoulder she called, “See ya, Pops.” And then she disappeared into the darkness.

  Monica just stood there. She could kill Carrie. Holy shit, I’m ready to die. This isn’t possible. It really isn’t. My daughter did not just say that, did she?

  Chapter Four

  Carson sat there staring after Carrie for a long time before his eyes finally moved to her face. He had a look on his face somewhere between confused, stunned, and absolutely unsure. Standing, he held his Stetson down by his leg as he stared at her, a look of concentration coming over his face as he appeared be trying to resolve some inner turmoil.

  “What did she mean by all that?” he finally said, his voice hesitant and rough, like he’d had to force the words out.

  “Are you really sure you want to know?” Monica asked quietly. When he nodded, she swallowed hard. “You might want to sit down again.” When they were both settled, she sighed. “My name isn’t Monica. Carrie was named for her father. For you,” she whispered. “I came to Beverly when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know about the accident. I had called and she met me instead of you. I had talked to you on the phone but when she showed up I was shocked.” She had her hands between her knees and she had her head down. “My real name is Jennifer. Jennifer MacElroy. I haven’t seen you in years. And yes, Carrie is yours.”

  There was absolutely no sound from him, just the sound of the horses moving about in the stalls, the soft occasional whinny breaking the silence. When she finally looked up he was staring at her, with his mouth hanging open and a stunned expression on his face. Meeting his gaze, his mouth snapped closed and he stood up. Without a word he walked out of the barn, the door vibrating from the force he’d used to push it open.

  By the time she was about to move and go back to the house, he was back and glaring at her. He started to speak but then stopped, his eyes moving to the horses who were stirring restlessly. With a jerky motion, he signalled her out of the barn, the impatience vibrating off of him as he waited for her.

  She approached him. “What? As I said, I was told just exactly what you thought about me. Your sister didn’t hesitate to tell me everything. She said that you were out with Maxine Jamison, and when I called, Max even said that you and she were together and to get a life. So yeah.” She shrugged. She had no idea what else to tell him. She didn’t even know about his accident until tonight. Beverly had certainly pulled the wool over her eyes.

  Carson shut the door to the barn, snagged her arm at the elbow, and drew her away from it. “First, believing anything Maxine Jamison had to say is beyond idiotic. Second, why would you believe anything my sister would say without actually talking to me? Third, what the fuck!” He stared at her.

  Turning, he paced a few feet away before spinning back around. “You have always known that me and my sister never saw eye to eye on anything. Her life dream, to marry wealth and get the fuck out of here. So…” He spun around again and paced away. Shaking his head, he tipped it back so his face was to the sky. “Why even bother telling me now?” he asked, his voice sounding defeated and worn down. Looking to her, he waved a hand. “I’m more than sure you could have made something up and I likely would have believed you. Why tell me the truth, now after all this time has passed?”

  “Because it’s clear that child wants to know her father.” Rising from where he had all but pushed her to sit, she got into his face. “Hate me all that you want, Carson MacDonald, but if you don’t want to know her, then let me know now so that I can do whatever I can in order to save her that pain. All of her life she’s been told that you are an amazing man, that it was my choice to leave you, even though I left because I thought you wanted nothing to do with me. I believed her because you never truly told me the depth of the hate that you and Bev have between each other. So don’t even start with me.”

  His face turned sad then and he looked away. “How could you ever believe I didn’t want to see you?” he asked quietly. “Even if it was Bev saying it, how could you honestly have believed that, Jen?” He turned to face her. He looked so hurt in that moment, so pained that she didn’t know what to say to make it better.

  “You might not remember it, but the last night that we were together you were pissed off at me. Your parting words to me were that you didn’t want to see me ever again. I don’t even recall what it was that we fought about, but we did fight. You dropped me off at my place and told me that I was no better than my mother, who you knew I hated.” She shrugged. “You didn’t call me or return my calls for weeks. Then I found out I was pregnant, called you, and told you that we needed to talk, and you grudgingly said yes, you would meet me. Then, after that I went to meet you and well, I told you the rest earlier.”

  He was frowning, strain clear on his face as he slowly shook his head. “I don’t remember any of that,” he murmured. Meeting her eyes, he blinked. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember any of that. The last thing before the accident that I clearly remember was the two of us at a party, dancing together. The rest of it is a little vague but I remember that clearly. It was my first thought when I woke up, you in my arms as we danced to some sappy tune. I’m sorry,” he whispered, a look of utter and complete defeat sliding over his face.

  “That was it. Robby Sugar goosed my ass and instead of telling you about it, I let it slide. After the dance someone told you and then you came to me and said that I was sleeping with him. After all, I gave it up to you so easi,, why wouldn’t I to someone else? You said you didn’t want to see me again because you didn’t want to get a disease.” Because she hadn’t asked Carson to use a condom with her being on birth control so he assumed that the fictional lovers she had weren’t using them either. “That was the fight.”

  “Fuck me,” he breathed out, looking horrified. Shaking his head, he frowned and then sighed after several long minutes. “I honestly don’t remember it, Jen. I’m sorry, I wish I could so it would actually sound sincere, but the doctors said if I didn’t have it back by now, the likelihood was that I never would get the memories back. Why would you come here, knowing all that? Why come anywhere near me if you thought so little of me?”

  She shrugged. “Really?” She shook her head and stood. “If I thought so little of
you, I never would have told that child a damn thing about her father. If I thought so little of you, I wouldn’t have named her after you and your momma, and if I thought so little for you, I sure as hell wouldn’t let that girl think that I was the one who broke your heart so that I could have my career.” She was shouting, but seriously?

  He stepped back each time her voice rose so that he was a good five feet away from her when she finished. He also looked like he didn’t know what to say to any of that. His mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. He likely figured anything he did say was just going to be tossed back in his face about the time he shut his mouth, if the wary expression was anything to go by.

  “Get to know your daughter, Carson. You have the two weeks we are here. I think she needs to get to know you.” Jennifer’s voice was deflated, her spirit broken. “It’s pretty clear who thought so little of who.” She shrugged. “And the only reason that I’m here is because I couldn’t get out of it. However, the simple truth is that you needed to get to know her, and I think that this was the universe’s way of ensuring that happened. Don’t worry, Carson, I will make sure to stay clear of you. Heaven only knows, I wouldn’t want to upend your life.”

  “I tried to find you,” he said. “I called everyone I knew trying to find you. I didn’t buy Bev’s story of you running off with someone else. I tried to find you for three years, Jen. Three years,” he said. “You’d vanished as far as I could tell. For a guy who was struggling to relearn everything we all learned as kids, and support his family’s livelihood while paying for hospital bills on the side, that is a long fucking time. All I wanted was you there with me, each and every day. And you weren’t. Now I know why, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. Obviously, this was all my fault and I’ll take full blame. And obviously you never really wanted to be here either, again my fault, for having a lawyer that knows what he’s doing. I’ll find a way to dissolve the contract, letting you all out of it since it’s what you really would have preferred in the first place.”