Betrayal

by Karin Alvtegen

  ‘Please, can’t we just turn on the light so I can see you?’

  ‘Why should you see me? It doesn’t seem to be anything you want.’

  He felt the rage building. It was such a shame for her! She was lying there so pitiful and refused to make the slightest effort to try and understand or meet him halfway.

  She was the one who spoke.

  ‘I just want to hear your answer to my question. That’s all I ask and it doesn’t matter if it’s in the dark. What is it you want, anyway?’

  He could see her contours now. She was sitting up in bed. A single cabin the same as his.

  ‘It’s not that fucking simple!’

  ‘What isn’t simple?’

  ‘Everything has changed.’

  ‘What has changed?’

  Now he could also make out the floor, and he went over to the chair, picked up her jacket that was hanging over the back and placed it in his lap as he sat down.

  He gave a heavy sigh.

  ‘I don’t know how to explain.’

  ‘Try.’

  Shit.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  ‘It’s not as if my feelings for you have changed, that’s not it.’

  She sat in silence. It was harder to make out her contours from this angle. Maybe it was true that it was easier to say what he had to say without being able to see her.

  ‘It just feels like . . . I know it sounds strange, but . . . Eva and I lived together for almost fifteen years. Even though I don’t love her . . . I just can’t fathom that she has been with another man for a whole year. Without saying a word. I just feel so stupid.’

  The darkness was working in his favour. He didn’t need to see her or show his shame. And he didn’t want her questions and accusations. He wanted her support. Her understanding.

  ‘I’ve never told you about this. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone, not even Eva. It’s a long time ago now, back in Katrineholm before I moved to Stockholm.’

  A girl he had loved. Unconditionally and to distraction. At least he had thought so. Twenty years ago, with no frame of reference. Everything new and untested. Untried. No limits.

  ‘There was a girl there, Maria was her name. She was a year younger than me. We moved in together in a little bed-sit in the city right after high school. I was really in love with her . . .’

  The price had been high. He had risked everything but not for a second had he felt secure. It had been a crazy balancing act from the beginning; he had loved her more than she did him. Every waking moment was a struggle to regain balance. Every day a paralysing fear of losing her, a fear that in the end controlled his whole life. And he had good reason to be afraid. He never succeeded in trusting her, in spite of her protestations that everything was as it should be. She had lulled him into a false sense of security which he finally had to believe in because he had no other choice. Until his suspicions had been confirmed by the testimony of others.

  ‘She went behind my back. I had a suspicion about it the whole time, but she assured me that it wasn’t true. But in the end she admitted that she had met someone else.’

  Never again will anyone do me so wrong. Never be able to fool me like that. I will never again let anyone all the way in.

  Twenty years later and the wound was still there. He had kept his promise. Until he met Linda. She had forced him to dare.

  Now Eva had sabotaged everything by picking the wound open again.

  He heard her drinking from the glass. Sensed her movements as shadows in the dark.

  ‘I have only one question. What is it you want?’

  He closed his eyes. Gave an honest answer.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Then I want you to leave.’

  ‘Linda, please.’

  ‘I know what I want, I’ve known it for a long time, and I’ve told you about it. You told me what you wanted too, but I realise now that you didn’t mean a word of it.’

  ‘Yes I did.’

  ‘You most certainly did not!’

  ‘Yes I did, it’s just that everything is different now.’

  ‘Well, so be it. Then there wasn’t any more to it than that. You find out that your wife is doing it with someone else and suddenly we don’t mean shit any more. Bloody hell!’

  She lay back on the bed again.

  ‘Linda, that’s not what this is about.’

  ‘Then what is it that has changed so much? If it’s not your feelings for me? Just a few days ago we went and looked at a flat together!’

  Give me a year on a desert island.

  With all my choices intact.

  ‘Can’t you wait for me?’

  ‘Wait for what? For you to see if you can get her back?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘What am I supposed to wait for, then? For you to make up your mind whether I’m good enough as a replacement?’

  ‘Cut it out, Linda. I just feel that everything’s moving too fast. I do realise that because I’m reacting this way that . . . that . . .’

  He broke off. What was it he had actually realised?

  ‘That you actually love your wife?’

  ‘No, that’s not true. I really don’t.’

  Or did he?

  ‘It’s not that. I just realise that . . . that I’m not ready yet . . . it wouldn’t be fair to you to . . .’

  Please, get me out of this!

  ‘I’m just not ready. It wouldn’t be fair to you if we started a life together when I’m feeling this way.’

  ‘So you think I should sit and wait for you? In case you ever happen to be ready?’

  ‘Everything is so much easier for you! You’re not risking anything.’

  She sat up again.

  ‘I’m not risking anything! I’m a day-care teacher who’s having an affair with the father of one of the children! What do you think will happen to me when this gets out? And those emails that somebody sent? How do you think it feels to have someone go into my computer and find my private letters and then send them off? Don’t you get it? Somebody knows. Somebody who has seen us. Who’s trying to punish me!’

  ‘It wasn’t Eva. I know you think so, but she’s not like that. And why in hell would she do it? She must be satisfied by now. It gives her a free hand, after all.’

  Linda was silent, and he saw that she was shaking her head, slowly shaking it back and forth in disgust.

  At him.

  ‘Listen to yourself. Listen to what you’re saying. Poor little rejected Henrik. It’s such a fucking shame!’

  He didn’t reply.

  He had lost her.

  She went over and opened the cabin door. The sharp glare from the fluorescent lights in the hallway blinded him. All that was left of her was a black silhouette.

  ‘You’re never going to be ready, Henrik. If I were you I’d spend my time finding out who I am and what I actually want to do with my life. Then you can go out and involve others in your future.’

  He swallowed. The lump in his throat wouldn’t go away.

  ‘Now go.’

  He couldn’t recall the last time he had felt so nervous. The enormous bouquet of roses on the seat next to him suddenly looked grotesque, like a foolish prop in an even more foolish film. It was just after ten in the morning, and he was grateful that he would have the day alone at home so he could collect himself before she came home from work. He hadn’t called to tell her that he was returning a day early.

  He was close now. Close to home. But he had never felt so far away. He cursed at a badly parked old Mazda that stood halfway out in the road just before the right turn into his street. With one hand on the wheel he manoeuvred his way past and in the next moment he saw his house.

  Her car was in the driveway.

  Why wasn’t she at work?

  And then the next thought.

  Maybe she wasn’t alone inside. Maybe she had made sure to bring home her lover now that Henrik was out of the way for a few days, show him their home, what she had to offer
in the way of material assets. The thought disgusted him as much as it scared him. He stood alone now while there were two of them. And he was the one who would have to leave the house, she was the one who had the financial wherewithal to buy him out. And then that other bastard would move into his house, get to enjoy all the hard work he had done to fix it up. Fuck. And she who had been so understanding. Suggested maybe he should go away for a few days and think. I’ll take care of everything here at home in the meantime, it’s quite all right, the main thing is that you feel good again. I’m here if you need me, I always will be. Maybe I’ve been poor at showing it, but I’ll try to improve.

  How was it possible to be so cold and calculating, all to get rid of him for a few days so she could fuck her lover in peace. Who was she really, this woman he had lived with for almost fifteen years? Did he know her at all?

  And the trip she had paid for. And the champagne. Had it all been to assuage her guilty conscience?

  He opened the car door, took the bouquet of roses and climbed out. If she had seen him through a window he couldn’t very well retreat now. But what would he do if the other man was in the house?

  He took his time after he put the key in the door. Made as much noise as possible to give them time to interrupt whatever they were doing. A bedroom drama was the last thing he wanted to deal with right now. He put his bag down on the hall floor and looked around for strange shoes or coats without finding any.

  Her voice from upstairs.

  ‘Hello?’

  Instinctively he hid the bouquet behind his back.

  ‘It’s only me.’

  Her steps across the floor upstairs and then her feet, legs and finally all of her visible halfway down the stairs, where she stopped. The expression on her face was hard to read, maybe surprised, maybe annoyed.

  ‘I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow night.’

  ‘No, I know. I changed my mind.’

  He swallowed his impulse to ask if she was lonely, his need to know.

  They stood there looking at each other, neither of them ready to take the next step. The bouquet burned in his hand, suddenly so embarrassing that he wanted to back out and toss it away before it was discovered.

  It was impossible to determine what he actually felt when he saw her. Only a desire to be able to go up the stairs in peace and quiet, sink down in their sofa and let everything be normal. Decide who was going to pick up Axel at day-care, where he would be able to drive without having a stomach ache, and then eat a normal Tuesday dinner together. Ask how Axel was doing, whether anyone had called and where she had put his mail and whether they should rent a movie that evening. But there was a mountain between them. And how he was going to get over that mountain he had no idea. Even less what might be waiting for him on the other side.

  ‘Why aren’t you at work?’

  He hadn’t meant to sound like he was snooping, but he could hear that it sounded like an accusation. And it was more than clear that she was searching for a suitable answer, since she didn’t really have one.

  ‘My throat is a little sore.’

  She said it on her way back up the stairs, without looking at him. And he knew she was lying. When she was gone he put down the bouquet and quickly took off his jacket, looked at himself in the hall mirror and ran his fingers through his hair. He couldn’t remember the last time he had bought her flowers, or whether he had ever done so before. But if he were to be successful with what he had decided to do, then he would have to try and overcome the distaste he felt. He had one single goal, but his feelings were fighting for space inside of him. Anger, fear, confusion, decisiveness.

  He took the bouquet and went up the stairs.

  She was standing by the kitchen table stacking up sheets of paper. A calculator and a pen. The folder they got from the real estate agent where she put all the bills and loan papers related to the house.

  The fear again. Stronger than the anger.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  She didn’t have time to answer. She looked up at him and saw the blood-red bouquet. Stood there mute and stared at it as if she were trying to identify what it signified. And then, finally, after an uncomfortable pause when all he felt was his own heart pounding, she finally managed to grasp what the bouquet was.

  ‘Did someone send you flowers?’

  ‘No, they’re for you.’

  He held the bouquet out to her but she didn’t move. Not a hint of a reaction. Everything felt hollow. Not a move to step forward and take them. Her indifference made him suddenly feel so embarrassed that it was too much for him, and he wanted to scream out all his accusations right in her face. Crush that false mask devoid of feeling that she hid behind and force her down on her knees. Make her confess. But he had to be smarter than that to manage all this.

  He swallowed.

  ‘Shall I put them in water?’

  His words got her moving, and she went to the cupboard over the refrigerator where she kept the vases, hesitated briefly when she couldn’t reach them, and went back to the kitchen table to get a chair. She didn’t say thank you when he handed her the bouquet. Didn’t look at him either. Just took the flowers from his hands, turned and went to the sink. He stood looking at her back as she slowly and carefully clipped the ends off the roses and arranged them one by one in the vase.

  Perhaps she had already made her decision and stood there preparing herself. Perhaps she would turn around soon and tell him the truth, that she had made up her mind while he was gone. Admit that she had met another man and wanted to live with him instead. He had to forestall her, make her understand that he was ready to fight for what they had, that he would change if she just gave him a chance. He had to make her understand that her decision was based on false assumptions.

  He suddenly felt like crying, going over and throwing his arms around her. Stand close behind her and tell her the truth. Once and for all get rid of all the lies and, with them out of the way, be able to feel close to her again. When had they stopped talking to each other? Had they ever been able to talk the way he and Linda had done? Why had it been so easy with her and not with Eva? They had known each other for fifteen years, after all. She knew more about him than anyone else. He couldn’t stand not having her friendship any more. They shared far too many memories. And they shared Axel.

  Dear Eva. I’m sorry. Forgive me.

  It didn’t happen. It was a superhuman task to give voice to the words, to admit his infidelity and his lies even though she was no better herself. He refused to expose himself that way, or at least he didn’t intend to do it before he had some idea how she would react, whether she intended to reject him or not. But he had to try to approach her, he was in a hurry now, he had to try to reach her before it was too late. Before she turned around and announced her decision.

  ‘I’ve missed you.’

  She didn’t turn around but her hand stopped halfway between the sink and the vase.

  He could hear how strange the words sounded. As if even the room were reacting. It was so long since anything like that had been said within these walls, and he wondered whether what he said was true. Was it longing for her he had felt? In the strict sense of the word. Yes, it was. The longing for her loyalty.

  ‘I’ve been thinking while I was away, as you told me to do, and I would like to beg your forgiveness for being so disagreeable lately. And then I got to thinking of that trip you booked to Iceland. I would very much like it if we went on it together.’

  Her hand was once again moving between the sink and the vase.

  ‘I cancelled it.’

  ‘We can book another one. I can do it.’

  Eager, bordering on desperation. A wild attempt to break through, get a first response that would point out what way they were heading. And he hated the fact that he was once again subject to her will, her decision. In a second he was re-acclimatised and robbed of the ability to take action, which he had discovered was something he could do over the past six month
s.

  The phone rang. She reached it first even though he was closer. He had hesitated because he thought they should let it ring.

  ‘Eva.’

  She gave him a quick look when she heard who it was. As if she was close to being exposed.

  ‘I haven’t got to it yet, can I call you a little later?’

  Hadn’t got to what?

  ‘Good, I’ll do that. See you later.’

  She hung up and put down the phone.

  ‘Who was that?’

  ‘Pappa.’

  She was lying without looking at him again. It was him – the other man.

  Somehow he had to rise up from his position at the bottom. He was the one who had been unpleasant lately. She could continue in peace and quiet to hide behind what was right – wounded and unapproachable, forcing him to make up with her. Somehow he had to get her to confess. But not by accusing her. Then she would only be on her guard and also have a legitimate reason to strike back. No, he had to get her to reveal herself.

  She had returned to the roses, although they were all standing as if to attention in the vase.

  He decided to try a long shot. It should produce some kind of reaction.

  ‘Janne says to say hello, by the way.’

  ‘Mm-hmm. How are they doing these days?’

  ‘They’re fine. He said he saw you at some lunch place a while back.’

  ‘Oh, he did?’

  ‘You didn’t seem to see him. He joked and wondered what sort of lamb meat you were out to lunch with.’

  With the vase all arranged in her hands, she turned round.

  ‘Lamb meat?’

  ‘Yes, there was some young man you were eating with.’

  ‘I don’t remember that, when did he say it was?’

  She walked towards the living room with the vase. He followed her.

  ‘A week or so ago, maybe. I’m not sure.’

  ‘It couldn’t have been me. He must be mistaken.’

  Cool as a cucumber. He didn’t know her at all. Had she always been able to lie this easily? Maybe it wasn’t the first time she had an affair behind his back; she had had plenty of opportunity over the years. All these business trips and all the overtime she worked. Even if she hadn’t eaten lunch with him, the words ‘lamb meat’ should have bothered her, since her lover was a decade younger than she was.