Betrayal

by Karin Alvtegen

  For a while they sat in silence. Then he got up and went over to the small kitchen counter, picked up the dishrag and wiped off the stainless steel surface. He rubbed it intently and kept checking to see whether the spot was gone.

  ‘Can you tell me what happened?’

  He rinsed out the dishrag and wrung it out, rinsed it again and repeated the procedure one more time before he folded it in thirds and hung it over the tap.

  ‘Why you’re out walking without a jacket, for example, and where you were going?’

  He straightened the dishrag and moved it a few centimetres out on the tap.

  She took a gulp from the bottle.

  ‘If you don’t mind, I just can’t talk about it.’

  She had no obligations to him. No duty to share anything with him. On the contrary. If she told him, the free zone she had found would be eradicated, he would join the jury and judge her.

  Linda in intensive care. If she pulls through we’re going to ask her to keep working here.

  If she pulls through.

  She took another drink, looking for respite in intoxication.

  He stood completely still with his back to her. Then he suddenly turned around.

  ‘You can take a bath if you like.’

  She didn’t answer, but felt her suspicions awaken at once.

  He put down the bottle on the table.

  ‘You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll run the bath for you and sit out here and relax. I think it would be nice for you to take a bath; you of all people certainly deserve to rest a little.’

  Then he was gone, and she heard the sound of running water.

  She had no intention of taking off her clothes in the flat, but in the bathroom she could lock herself in and then she wouldn’t have to answer any questions. Wouldn’t have to talk at all. And she’d have a chance to think. Maybe she could ring Sara or Gerd at work and ask if she could stay overnight, figure out some plausible explanation.

  His voice from the bathroom and then suddenly the familiar aroma.

  ‘I’ve bought new bubble bath too. Eucalyptus.’

  The same that she had in her bathroom at home. Which was a present from Axel. She took it as a sign, gave up struggling and allowed herself to relax.

  He had good intentions.

  And that’s what she needed right now.

  She took the last gulp from the bottle and heard the water turned off in the bathtub. Then he appeared in the doorway.

  ‘Your bath is ready.’

  He smiled and gestured towards the bathroom, but noticed that her bottle was empty. At once he was at the refrigerator to fetch a new one. She stood up, and he made a move to touch her forearm to lead her once again, but he caught himself and withdrew. Perhaps out of consideration, perhaps he wanted to show that she was safe, that he had no ulterior motives.

  She took the new bottle and went into the hall towards the open bathroom door. The bathtub was filled to the brim and the white bubbles were crackling invitingly. Her mood was improving. She could use a little rest.

  ‘Here’s a towel for you.’

  He handed her a light-blue bath towel. Carefully folded, edge to edge, to the last centimetre. She took it and put it on the toilet seat. The towel reluctantly unfolded but the creases left deep traces in the terrycloth. She turned to him. He was standing in the doorway. She made no move to start undressing, and he clearly understood her unspoken demand.

  ‘Enjoy yourself now, and don’t hurry. Take all the time you want.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  He backed out and pulled the door shut; she turned the lock until the white half-moon turned to red. Then she slowly took off her clothes and sank down through the foam with the bottle on the edge of the tub. A calm began to spread over her. The cider had done its job.

  It was Nacka that was the problem. She had to get away. She could already sense how she felt free having left the boundaries of the town. Here she could breathe again. She could think clearly enough to realise that even if she had done wrong, the guilt was not hers alone. There was a reason for her actions. What if they sold the house and she moved into the city, let Axel start at a new pre-school where no one knew them?

  She took another gulp.

  Things would work out. There was still a future.

  ‘Is the bath nice?’

  His voice just outside the door.

  ‘Yes, it is. Thanks.’

  Just when she thought he had left, he said something else. He sounded even closer now, as if his mouth were right next to the crack in the door.

  ‘I don’t mean you any harm, on the contrary. You know that, don’t you?’

  A pang of uneasiness in the midst of the soothing bath foam.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Good.’

  She had just settled back again and closed her eyes when she heard the sound. She turned her head and saw the red half-moon turn until it was white, and the next moment he was standing in the open doorway. She sank down as deep as she could to cover herself with the bubbles.

  ‘I would like to be left in peace in here, please.’

  He smiled at her.

  ‘You are at peace in here.’

  He picked up the bath towel and placed it on his lap as he sat down on the toilet seat.

  ‘I mean alone.’

  He smiled again, sadly this time, as if she didn’t know what was good for her.

  ‘Haven’t you been alone long enough?’

  She suddenly felt afraid. Wanted to get up and leave the flat. But not as long as he could see her.

  ‘Why do you look so scared? I already know how beautiful you are. You’ve already showed me once, and how could I ever forget?’

  ‘I said that we were just going to drink a pear cider.’

  ‘That’s right. And now we’ve drunk two of them. And you can have just as many as you like. I bought them for you.’

  There was nothing threatening about him, he radiated nothing but genuine goodwill. And yet there was something that told her she ought to get out of here, get away as fast as she could.

  ‘Wait a minute and I’ll give you something beautiful to wear after you’re done with your bath.’

  He stood up.

  ‘That’s not necessary, I’ll wear my own clothes.’

  ‘You’re worth something more beautiful than those.’

  He snatched up her clothes and took the bath towel with him as he vanished into the hall. As quickly as she could, she got up and grabbed the guest hand towel. She had to get out of here. The bath foam slid around on her skin as if the hand towel were waterproof.

  Then he was back in the doorway.

  She tried to hide herself as best she could.

  He stopped in mid-stride and stood there quite still. As if he had forgotten she was in there and now he saw her for the first time. Embarrassed, he lowered his eyes when he saw her nakedness.

  ‘Excuse me.’

  ‘Give me the towel.’

  With infinite slowness his gaze moved closer and closer. Along the floor and across the bath mat, then up the bathtub, across tile after tile his eyes made their way towards her. When they reached her naked body which she was so desperately trying to hide behind the tiny towel, she saw undisguised admiration in his face. A gasp when his eyes reached her thighs and slowly swept across the towel to meet the skin again above her breasts.

  ‘God, how beautiful you are.’

  His voice was shaking.

  ‘Give me the towel!’

  Her sharp words jolted his gaze away and he again stared down at the floor. Then he put something down on the toilet seat, backed out and closed the door behind him.

  She quickly got out of the tub and tried to dry herself as best she could.

  ‘Give me my clothes!’

  ‘It’s on the toilet seat.’

  She jumped at the closeness of his voice, his mouth sounded like it was pressed against the door outside.

  She snatched whatever it was he had put on the
seat. Never in her life. Lined and made of a glossy fabric with tufts in the most worn places.

  An old flowery dressing gown.

  ‘I want my clothes!’

  ‘Do you have to sound so angry? They’re soaking in the sink. Put on the dressing gown now and come out, then we’ll talk about all this.’

  His voice was still very close to her.

  There was something wrong with him, she had no doubt about that. But how dangerous was he, how scared did she need to be? All she knew with certainty was that she wanted to get out of here, and now she had no clothes. And no one in the entire world would be looking for her. And even if someone actually was trying to find her, nobody knew where she was. She had to leave the bathroom. Go out and talk to him. But to ‘talk about all this’ seemed like a contradiction. They had absolutely nothing to do with each other, and that’s precisely what she had to make him realise.

  Disgusted, she looked at the dressing gown. There was a brown ring of dirt around the inside of the collar. Then she managed to get the better of her repugnance and put it on, trying to ignore the odour of age-old filth and a musty wardrobe.

  She put her hand on the door handle and took a deep breath.

  ‘I’m coming out now.’

  Not a sound was heard from outside.

  She cautiously opened the door a crack. It was dark out there, the hall light was turned off. Out of pure impulse she turned off the bathroom light so she could disappear in the darkness. She opened the door a bit more and when she looked out she saw the glow of a candle from the room. She cast a glance at the front door, well aware that she had heard the keys being turned in all four of the locks. Keys that now lay in the pocket of his trousers.

  She took a step towards the candlelight. Everything was quiet. Then she stopped. One more step and she would be visible to him through the doorway. The sudden sound of his voice made her jump.

  ‘Come.’

  She didn’t move from the spot.

  ‘Please, come. I didn’t mean to frighten you.’

  ‘What is it you want? Why can’t I have my clothes?’

  ‘Of course you’ll get your clothes, but they’re wet right now. Come in here and we can talk a bit while they dry.’

  What choice did she have? She took the last step and looked into the room. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. From her feet in the doorway where she stood and over to his feet by the bed, an avenue of votive candles. A planned path along the floor which all too obviously visualised his expectations. She was just about to protest and explain that no matter what had happened the last time she was there, it was never going to happen again. But then she saw his face and stopped short. It wasn’t her he was looking at, not her eyes he sought. He was looking at the flowered dressing gown. And suddenly, utterly without warning, his face was distorted in a grimace and his whole body shrank, collapsed. He looked away and she saw that he was trying to hide the fact that he was crying. Her confusion was absolute. What was it he actually wanted?

  She didn’t say a word. Just stood there in the doorway watching him, and his whole bearing revealed a failed attempt to defend himself from her unwelcome stare. He sobbed a couple of times and sat looking down at the floor, rubbing his hand over his face. Then he hesitantly glanced at her again, timid and embarrassed.

  ‘Forgive me.’

  She didn’t reply. She realised in the midst of it all that the room had changed. The walls were bare but with black dots from the nail holes where the strange paintings had hung.

  He looked down at the floor and the votive candles again.

  ‘I haven’t dared to light candles for several years, but then I bought some in case you were here.’

  He uttered the words like an awkward confession, as naked before her as she had been before him in the bathroom. As if he wanted to reveal himself in return, as an excuse for his intrusion. Her fear dropped away. He had merely read the wrong signals when she came home with him. And could she actually blame him? He had naturally believed that she would call. That their night together was a prelude. Seen her as a possibility.

  What if she stayed for a little while and made him realise that she wasn’t, that what had happened was a mistake and that she hadn’t meant to hurt him? He wasn’t dangerous, he had only fallen in love and forgotten to find out if she felt the same way.

  ‘Why haven’t you lit candles for years?’

  An attempt at conversation. Approach cautiously and gradually get him to understand.

  He looked at her and smiled slightly.

  ‘There is so much you don’t know about me, that I haven’t managed to tell you yet.’

  Wrong track. She had to try and be crystal clear from the beginning.

  He beat her to it before she could start over.

  ‘I would like to ask you a favour.’

  ‘What kind of favour?’

  He swallowed.

  ‘I would like you to come and sit next to me while you have that on.’

  She looked down at the disgusting dressing gown.

  ‘Why is that?’

  He hesitated a long time before continuing, she could see that the words came from deep inside him, that he had to muster his courage to speak his request.

  ‘I just want you to let me put my head in your lap for a while.’

  Almost inaudible. Embarrassed and with his eyes looking down at his hands in his lap.

  It was impossible to be afraid of anyone so pitiful. She might as well tell him the truth right away so she could get out of there.

  ‘I can understand that you may have thought that I, or that we, when we . . . Well, it wasn’t that it was bad or anything like that, but what happened was a mistake, I was drunk and not thinking. Maybe you hoped we would see each other again, but it’s better that I just tell you the truth. I’m married.’

  He sat expressionless. His lack of reaction encouraged her to continue. Why hadn’t she told him the truth from the start? She of all people should know that honesty worked best.

  ‘Maybe I could borrow some clothes from you and then I’ll send them back later. My husband will worry if I don’t come home soon.’

  ‘Why should he?’

  His voice was suddenly hard and cold. All goodwill gone.

  ‘Of course he’ll be worried if I don’t come home.’

  She could hear the new tone in her own voice. More cautious now.

  He shrugged his shoulders.

  ‘That depends, of course, on what type of marriage you have. Whether you love each other or not. Or if you make a habit of being unfaithful.’

  Hurt. Proud and hurt. A dangerous combination. She had to proceed more carefully, his temporary vulnerability had thrown her off the track.

  ‘I don’t make a habit of being unfaithful. With you was the first time.’

  He snorted.

  ‘What an honour.’

  Shit. Wrong again. She had to choose her words better. He was like a minefield.

  ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way. I mean, we’re two grown people. We were kind to each other for a while.’

  ‘You mean I was kind to you for a while, don’t you? You used me as consolation when your husband at home wasn’t doing his part any more, right? Or was it to make him jealous, or did you want revenge for something?’

  She stood silent.

  ‘Where in the midst of everything did you think that I would wind up, after you had used me?’

  She didn’t reply. Couldn’t think of any other reason than that every single person takes responsibility for his own life, but right now she didn’t think she had the right to say those words. Everything had broken down. She had to get out of there.

  ‘I told you I made a mistake. What more can I say than I’m sorry?’

  ‘And your husband? Do you love him?’

  No.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And if he were unfaithful to you? What would you do then?’

  She swallowed.

  ‘I’m not su
re. I would probably try to forgive him. Everybody makes mistakes.’

  His eyes narrowed.

  ‘Nobody who betrays someone deserves to be forgiven. A betrayal can never be forgiven, will never be forgotten, it stays inside like an open wound. Something is torn apart and can never again be made whole.’

  She wasn’t the only one in the room who knew how it felt, that was quite obvious. But she had no desire to share her own experiences with him.

  He went on.

  ‘If there was a man who loved you above all else, who was ready to do anything for you, who would solemnly promise that he would never betray you, that he would always be there for you, standing by your side, would you love him in return?’

  She swallowed again and looked down at the floor, fixing her eyes on one of the candles.

  ‘That’s not exactly how love works, is it?’

  ‘Then how does it work?’

  ‘It goes wherever it wants. It’s not something you can control. If you fall in love, then you fall in love.’

  ‘Is it that simple? Can’t a person do anything to make love grow or make it last?’

  She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.

  ‘You don’t think so?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m no expert.’

  ‘But what exactly is a betrayal? And why does it hurt so much if you know that the person betraying you can’t even help it? That love has just gone where it wants.’

  Her weary brain made a brave attempt to follow his logic. ‘The betrayal is the fact that someone lies. That the one you trust is lying right to your face.’

  ‘So if he goes to bed with someone else and admits it, then it’s OK?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘But it should be OK. He can’t decide for himself if he wants to fall in love or not, you said that yourself. So if he confesses then everything would have to be all right, wouldn’t it?’

  She sighed.

  ‘It’s one thing to fall in love, but quite another what you do about it.’

  ‘So the fact that he loves someone else is not a betrayal?’

  She was starting to get really irritated by his questions. Get a life, then you’ll see how easy it is.

  ‘I don’t know. Can I borrow some clothes now?’

  ‘So you think that if someone stops loving the one he ought to love, then it’s best not to say anything? Just keep going as usual and pretend everything is the way it should be?’