Magic and Mayhem: Heidi: A 'Not-Quite' Hellhound Love Story (Kindle Worlds Novella) (The 'Not-Quite' Love Story Series Book 5)

by Julia Mills

  Trixie flew past me, plopped down on the couch and gathered the imps all around her, patting their heads and telling them it would be alright. It took several minutes, but when she finally had them settled down, she shot a look over her shoulder at me and scolded, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re traveling with Bert. Why would you scare my babies?”

  “Your babies?” I asked, still not sure how twelve little beings could all look so much alike and why she was calling them hers.

  “Yes, my babies. Not in the sense that I had them, but because I rescued them when the rogue witches were trying to ‘heal’ them.”

  Shoving past me, Bert waddled towards the babies, smiled and began speaking in a chittery language of weird sounds and clicks of his tongue that soon had the little ones laughing and clapping. Looking back at me, he asked, “You care if I stay here with them?”

  Shaking my head, I waved him on with a, “No worries. Have fun.”

  Once again following Trixie, who was wearing a scowl and giving me the evil eye every chance she could, I waited until we were in the basement, which she referred to as her ‘workroom’ before apologizing. “Look, I’m sorry for upsetting your babies. It’s just that I love videos games. Have since I was a kid and when I saw that score I had to see who was about to kick my ass. It just shocked me to see all those little imps.” I stopped, hoping I was getting through to her because the expression on her face remained unchanged, took a deep breath and then added, “I think it’s pretty cool of you to take them in.”

  Shaking her head, she chuckled then slapped my upper arm, (Which hurt like hell.) before snickering, “No harm done. When we’re done here maybe you’ll have time to play a game with them. They are ferocious when it comes to their video games.”

  All I could do was nod and thank my lucky stars she didn’t stay pissed as Trixie looked over my shoulder at Cassie and asked, “You bring your stuff?”

  “Yep,” the red-headed witch answered, walking past me and laying her flowered satchel on the large black wooden table in the middle of the room.

  For several hours I watched Trixie and Cassie alternate between reading from a big, old, musty book and running to the ‘pantry’ to grab whatever weird ingredients the tome told them they needed and mixing whatever it was in large black iron cauldron. (No, really, a cauldron. Like ‘bubble, bubble, toil and trouble’.) There were a couple of times I wanted to ask what they were doing, but quite frankly, knew it would make me hurl. Hours into watching the Witch’s Cooking Channel, Trixie announced her concoction done and promptly disappeared behind a thick, black velvet curtain at the very back of her workroom.

  Waiting for an explanation as Cassie cleaned up their mess, I finally asked, “What’s up? Where did she go?” I tapped my wrist where my watch should’ve been (By the way, where did that go?) and added, “Time is running out. We have to get busy. I need to be howling at the moon in five short days!”

  Here I was shouting again, making an ass out of myself and Cassie had the nerve to smile. “Calm down, Heidi. Trixie’s got this under control.” She paused, wiped around the cauldron one more time and then continued, “Besides, it’s almost daybreak and the only light tight place in the house is down here.”

  “Okay and…” I prodded, looking at her with my best ‘what the hell’ look.

  “And, this potion has to rest for twelve hours.” She held up her index finger and tilted her head in the direction Trixie had gone just before the sounds of chains rattling and women wailing burst through the room.

  “What is going on around here?” I bellowed, taking a step towards the black velvet curtain just as Cassie threw her arm out in front of me and shook her head.

  “You don’t want to go back there,” she whispered, raising her eyebrows and nodding.

  Pushing her arm, shocked when it didn’t even move, (Girl was stronger than she looked.) I slammed my fists to my hips and growled, “Move dammit, someone’s being tortured back there.”

  Giggling, she shook her head, “No they are not. It’s the rogue witches. They know you’re out here and are causing a fuss to get you to come and let them out.” She nodded over her shoulder, “See, it’s already quieted down. Trixie’s back there working a sleeping spell so they won’t bother you and Bert all day.”

  Not sure what to make of the weirdness that seemed to continue no matter where I was, I nodded, spun around and headed for the couch in the corner, sighing, “Whatever,” over my shoulder.

  It dawned on me just about the time Bert appeared at the bottom of the steps that Cassie hadn’t mentioned Trixie staying out of the sunlight, so I asked, “Doesn’t your sister have to stay down here, too?”

  “Oh no,” She shook her head and sat down in the chair across from me while Bert waved hello and crawled under the pool table across the room. “Trixie is almost as strong as Matilda and since she’s been out of Hell for so long, the sun doesn’t bother her.”

  “I see,” I answered, not really understanding a damn thing but not wanting any more explanations. I was already leery about trusting these witches and I know what you’re gonna say – you’re gonna tell me that they are Hunter’s family and they want the best for him so I had nothing to worry about. And while that sounds all well and good, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Trixie had ulterior motives in helping me. It was a gut thing and I always trusted my gut.

  First of all, she obviously had impulse control issues since she was a fire-breathing, hell bent on revenge dragon when I met her. What if she got pissed, turned all scaly and lit me up like a sparkler on the Fourth of July.

  Secondly, she had shifty eyes. You know the kind. The ones you feel looking at you but when you glance up they shift the other way.

  Lastly, she kept talking about when ‘we’ get back to Hell and for some reason that just felt wrong to me. I’d asked if her mission with the rogue witches was over several times and had had my question either deflected or completely ignored. There was just no doubt in my mind she was up to something. Which left me with a decision to make.

  Did I trust her to help me since I was assured she was the only one who could restore what my mother had taken from me and have me wearing a fur coat and whiskers while chewing rawhide in time to claim my man or did I give up? It was a no-brainer. I was short on time, out of patience and wanted to be with Hunter more than I wanted this season’s Jimmy Choos or the newest Kate Spade bag.

  So, I politely said good day to Cassie, slid my feet out of my boots, laid back on the old, lumpy couch and covered myself with my duster, hoping that I didn’t have to use any of my Tae Bo moves on Trixie when I woke up. It wouldn’t be pretty, but I would kick her ass while feeling the burn if I had to.

  Chapter Twelve

  I woke before the last rays of the sun were gone and paced the floor until Cassie gave the all clear. Bert crawled out from under the pool table and after all our forced quality time together I finally gave in and asked, “Why do you always hide under something? I mean, I guess I understand being worried someone will open a motel room door but down here? It’s not like the sunlight can get through the dirt and the cement walls. And ain’t nobody gonna come messin’ with those crazy sisters.” I motioned with my thumb towards the stairs. (I threw in a little country to ease the tension. As I’m sure you guessed, I’m not very good at it but I did get a smile from my little buddy.)

  Shrugging, he rolled up the sleeping bag Trixie had given him and said, “Just something I always do when I come topside,” as he walked past me and started up the stairs.

  “Okay, you don’t want to talk about it. Point taken,” I mumbled under my breath but I still had to wonder why the normally forthcoming-to-a-fault imp was now holding back. Things were getting weirder by the minute and in this case that meant the world was going to erupt in a cloud of unicorns and rainbows, we are going to fart pixie dust and men were always going to remember to put down the toilet seat…Yeah, you guessed it, an apocalypse, and me without my fur and claws.

>   The only words to describe the next three days was - abject failure. I had been forced to drink the nasty potion Cassie and Trixie created more times than I could count and actually stopped trying to barf after the fourth…or was it the fifth time, I can’t remember, but whatever. What is important to note, is that while I was busting my balls, (No, I did not grow balls. Gah! Chill out. It’s just an expression.) Trixie was sitting on her blue jean clad ass under a big old oak tree eating grapes like the Queen of Sheba and spouting stupid things like, “Be the Hellhound,” “Pull from your magic,” “See it in your mind and make it happen.”

  Of course, my favorite was “Visualize yourself as a Hellhound and then be a Hellhound.” The twenty-seventh time she said it, (Yes, I counted, smartass.) I stopped what I was doing, which was pretty much nothing, stomped over to where she sat, knelt down beside her, grabbed the collar of her Grateful Dead T-shirt and growled through gritted teeth, “This shit is not working. Get off your ass and help me or I swear to God, I will let those rogue witches go and help them paint rainbows and unicorns all over your ugly Pepto Bismal pink house, got it?”

  Rolling her eyes, Trixie finished the grape she’d just popped into her mouth, removed my fingers from her collar and cleared her throat. “And you think threatenin’ me is gonna to make a difference? That I’ve been holdin’ out on you and now that you’ve scared me,” She faked a shiver and added a “oooooooo” before continuing, “that I’m gonna pull a rabbit outta my ass and abra-frikkin’cadabra, you’re gonna be a Hellhound?” Another eye roll. “Yeah, whatever, I’m not a miracle worker and I’m damn sure not your fairy godmother. No pumpkins into carriages, no mice into footmen.” She pushed her face into mine until our noses touched and sassed, “Do you see a wand or fairy dust?” She paused, leaned back and finished, “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

  Our staring contest lasted until my eyes were so dry I thought I might never blink again before Cassie appeared with lemonade and cookies, (Yeah, her eternal happiness irritates me too, even when it involves food.) and said, “Hey y’all, how’s it go…”

  “Like a fart in church, Cass,” Trixie interrupted as she jumped to her feet and added, “She’s all yours,” over her shoulder as she stomped away.

  Looking at Cassie who looked like someone had just popped her balloon, I sighed, “I think we need a Plan B, this shit isn’t working and your sister is as worthless as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.” I stood, took a glass of lemonade and went on, “I only have one more day left before Bert and I have to head back to New Orleans so I can get to Hell on time and I’m no closer to being a Hellhound than when I left.”

  Ever the optimist, Cassie smiled and patted my arm, “Don’t give up. You stay here and practice.” She handed me the tray of snacks. “Let me go talk to Trixie and see what I can do to help.”

  All I could do was nod as I watched Cassie skip (Yes, you read that right.) back to the house. Thankfully, Bert appeared at my side, (He’d been strangely absent over the last few days, as had Lola.) with a big smile and reached for a glass of lemonade. “Hey, Heidi. How’s it going?”

  Sighing, I sat down, put the tray on the ground beside me and grumped, “Like shit, my friend, like a big ol’ pile of steaming shit. How about you?”

  “Great actually, but I’m sorry to hear you’re not having any luck getting your enchantment back. What did Trixie say? Can she fix it?”

  Shaking my head, I laid back in the grass and looked at the stars through the leaves, wondering what Hunter was doing, how I was going to tell him that I’d failed and that he was going to have to live all of eternity with Luci when I whined, “She can’t fix it. Apparently, I’m doomed. Screwed by my mother once again. Even in my effed up afterlife she’s found a way fuck up my day.” (Mind you, I hate whining. Have absolutely no tolerance for it whatsoever, so you can see how far into my depression I had slipped that I was (a) whining, (b) to Bert and (c) laying on the ground. *shudder*)

  “It’ll be okay, Heidi, I just know it,” Bert offered, sounding really happy for a guy who was also about to lose the love of his life.

  Rolling to my side, I bent my arm and propped my head on my hand and really looked at my little buddy. He not only sounded happy but he looked happy, not I-just-won-the-lottery happy but glowing cheeky and stars in his eyes happy. And, if I wasn’t mistaken, his skin was a lighter shade of olive-green.

  Narrowing my eyes, I asked, “What’s up with you, Bert? If I can’t claim Hunter, you don’t get Luci? What are you so happy about?”

  Looking like I’d just caught him with his hands in the cookie jar, Bert jumped to his feet, shook his head and adamantly denied, “Happy? Me? Not anymore than usual.”

  It was then I realized he was taller and if I was mistaken, a little thinner and…Oh my God… I accused, “Bert, is that hair growing on your head?”

  Slapping both hands over his not-as-big-as-it-used-to-be melon, he frantically shook his head and stammered, “N-n-no, nothing here. N-n-nothing to see,” as he turned and tried to run.

  Thankfully, I was quicker. Jumping to my feet, I raced forward, stepped in front of him and stopped dead, holding my ground as he barreled into me. I probably should have considered tripping him instead of standing in front of a stampeding imp but hindsight is twenty-twenty and I was committed, so there was no going back.

  Suffice it to say, Bert ran into me running as fast as his little, chubby legs would carry him. His head made contact with my midsection. I grabbed his shoulders as I felt myself teetering on the four-inch heels of my boots and in less than a second, my little buddy and I were rolling ass over tea kettle, arms and legs flailing about, screaming like the hounds of Hell were biting our butts across Trixie’s lawn.

  Slamming into the side of the crazy witch’s house, Bert flew one way while I was flung into the bushes just as Trixie and Cassie came walking out the back door. Laughing so hard, she had to hold her stomach, the frizzy-haired witch howled, “Damn, wish I had my camera. We could’ve won $10,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos.” While her sister, the polite one of the bunch, bit the inside of her cheeks and tried so hard not to laugh that her shoulders bounced and she ended up turning her back on us to hide her giggle.

  Not sure whether I was more pissed or more embarrassed, I went with my anger and roared, “ENOUGH! I have had enough of all of this mumbo-jumbo, hocus-pocus bullshit that is getting me nowhere.” Crawling out of the bushes, I added, “You,” pointing at Trixie as best as I could, “Have no freakin’ clue what you’re doing.”

  “And you,” I pointed at Cassie while climbing to my feet, “I have no clue what your deal is but I am so sick of all your happiness I could just barf.”

  Turning on my heel, I headed towards the Ladybug Express and where Bert was still laying on the ground. Standing over him, I growled, “And you, don’t even get me started. I know you’re up to something but quite frankly, I don’t give a shit. I’m headed back to Hell to deal with this crap on my own. Come or don’t, I don’t care.”

  Wrapped in my righteous indignation, I opened the car door, plopped my well-rounded ass into the driver’s seat and was just about to put the key in the ignition when Trixie appeared in the passenger seat. Not opened the door and got in but bingo-bango shazam there she was. Still sporting her shit-eating grin from a few minutes ago, she asked, “Whatcha gonna do once you get back to Hell?”

  Not wanting to admit that I had no idea, I simply stared out the window and tried to ignore the irritating witch who had wasted my time and was on my last nerve. As usual, she just kept talking. “You gonna hop through those fiery Gates, grab your man and run for the hills?” She paused. “Or maybe you’ll go to Cerberus and asked for his help. Satan knows he’s such a kind, caring father,” she snorted and I thought about punching her in the nose. “Or, wait, I know,” she barked out a single laugh. “You’ll go to Lucifer. Try to reason with him, make him see that you’re the best choice for Hunter.” She stopped, her laughter getting the best o
f her, then added in between her chuckles, “Because…the King…of H-hell is s-so caring and understanding.” By the time she was done tears were running down her face, she was slapping her knee and I had a headache from looking at her out of the corner of my eye while listening to her nasally cackle.

  “Get out!” I yelled, pointing at the door on her side of the car. “Just get the hell out! You have been no help. You have wasted my time and now you are in here making fun of me. Get the hell out of this car before I kick your ass, you worthless piece of magical trash. I thought your sisters were wacko, but lady, you take the whole Norman-Bates-Nurse-Ratched-Hannibal-Lector bag of tricks – You. Are. A. Nutball.” I know you already know this, but it bears repeating, I was once again screaming like a loon and to top it off Lola chose that moment to reappear and put in her two-cents worth, “Told you these bitches were a waste of time.” To which I answered, “Shut up, Lola.”

  I expected Trixie to be pissed, turn me into a toad or worse yet morph into her alter-ego the big, black, fire-breathing dragon but instead, she did a slow clap, turned in her seat and nodded, “Now, there you go. That’s what I’ve been waiting on. About time you get pissed. Let’s get to work.”

  (What. The. Hell.)

  Chapter Thirteen

  Like everything since I became a Hellhound…or a ‘not-quite’ Hellhound…or hell, let’s just go with undead because well…just because, I had no clue what I am. All I could do was sit and stare with my mouth open and my mind blown as Trixie jumped out of the car, hollered for Cassie and Bert and yelled for her gaggle of imps. “Yo, Cass! Bert! Grab your gear! Road Trip! Little guys! Watch the rogues. Make sure you feed them and do not…I repeat, do not argue over the video games.”