Ghosts of Winter

by Rebecca S. Buck

“So,” I began, thinking one of us should say something, “what do you have against marriage?”

  Anna’s shoulders tensed perceptibly, and a shadow came over her face. I wondered what the story of her last relationship had been to create such a reaction. “Oh, you know. It’s not so much marriage that I object to. It’s the idea of committing in any way to the wrong person,” she said dismissively. I sensed I wasn’t being told the whole truth.

  “The commitment worries you?” I questioned.

  “Promising yourself forever to someone you don’t know you definitely want to spend the rest of your life with worries me. I mean, how do you ever know for sure? People change. And I suppose I value my personal freedom too much to compromise it easily.” Elements of strain were showing in her expression now, and I decided it was better not to press too much. There was more to this story, but she wasn’t going to tell me.

  “I suppose you might think differently if you found the right woman,” I suggested.

  I knew she shot me a sideways glance, but I kept my eyes on the view. There was an awkward silence before she spoke again. When she did she startled me by asking, “So, you don’t have anyone special?”

  My stomach lurched with a memory of Francesca. The only someone special I’d ever had. Our relationship had been rocky for years, the strain of my mother’s death and my sudden lack of interest in working had only finished it off. Still, it seemed strange to be talking about her to Anna as a thing of the past. Especially when I hoped Anna would be very present in my immediate future. “I had a girlfriend. We split up earlier this year.” Now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. I supposed neither of us was really ready to share right at this moment.

  “You’ve had quite a year then.” If she had unspoken questions, she gave no sign of them. I wondered just how interested in me she was.

  “That I have. And still smiling.” I grinned to demonstrate and lighten the tone, hoping she didn’t perceive how often I faked that grin.

  “I admire your strength, Ros,” she said quite seriously but in a rushed way, as though she was awkward saying it. I was flattered, taken aback by the compliment given so abruptly, and didn’t answer.

  A not-quite-comfortable silence stretched between us. Eventually I turned my head and looked at her. In the same instant, she raised her eyes to mine. Suddenly there was no denying the understanding that passed between us. From hammering in my chest, my heart felt as though it stopped as I comprehended the intensity in those blue eyes. I tightened my lips as she took a breath and hers parted slightly. Still we gazed at each other, as though neither of us could quite believe it. I wanted her very badly, I couldn’t do anything but acknowledge it to myself. But was there any chance? It was virtually impossible to view myself as worthy of this beautiful, competent woman. As though she saw the moment of doubt in my eyes, she looked down at her watch.

  “Gosh, look at the time! I have an appointment in fifteen minutes.” I wondered if she really did, but was sufficiently relieved to take the escape route she gave us both. We began to walk quickly in the direction of the road leading back down the hill and to her office. As we navigated the slippery cobbles of the street, the silence between us was so tense I just had to break it.

  “Thank you for showing me the cathedral.”

  “I’m sure you could have managed it on your own,” she replied, “but you’re welcome.” Her voice sounded tense, heavy with the things we hadn’t said.

  “I couldn’t have gained so much architectural insight without you.” This conversation was hard and awkward, but silence would be worse at this stage.

  “True.” We were quiet a little longer. Finally I glanced across at her. Noticing my attention, she looked back. I watched the tension melt from her expression as a smile she apparently could not suppress pulled at the corners of her mouth. “I’m glad I could help you with your architectural knowledge.” She raised an eyebrow, her tone mocking both of us and our new awkward reticence.

  “It’s been interesting.” I spoke cautiously, unsure if either of us was actually going to acknowledge the new territory we were in. “I’ve certainly discovered some fascinating things. I’ve had a good time.”

  “Me too,” she replied. Her words were insufficient but her expression was not. “We can maybe do it again sometime?”

  “I’d like that very much.” I hoped she would understand how enthusiastic I felt.

  “Good. I’ll call.” She looked reflective for a moment, and once more I wondered what was going on in that keen mind. And if I’d ever find a way to get her to tell me. Not that I was being especially eloquent myself right now. “Listen, I’m going to see about getting my contacts in order, so the work at Winter can start as soon as possible. Is that okay?” Apparently it was time to talk business again. Except we both knew the work on Winter would involve us working together and necessitate many more meetings and phone calls.

  “Sounds perfect to me, thanks.” I couldn’t prevent my smile even while I tried to keep my words moderate and at least almost businesslike.

  “I’ll call,” she repeated. That she’d felt the need to say it again thrilled me.

  “When will I see you again?”

  “I’m not sure. I’ll probably come to the house again next time.”

  “Okay. Just let me know.” I found, rather than dreading another visit at Winter, I was already anticipating it with some pleasure, a fierce curiosity beginning to burn as I wondered what might happen between us over a few more encounters. We’d reached her office door now, and she stood awkwardly, as if wondering quite what parting words we should exchange.

  “See you soon then.” Anna looked as though she was not entirely in control, as she had in the kitchens at Winter. I knew the feeling well.

  “I’ll look forward to it,” I said. She turned and disappeared quickly through her door. To begin with, as I walked back towards my car, my heart was soaring at what I’d discovered about Anna today. But as I walked farther away from her, I felt the optimism slipping away. How could I, at this point in my life, with my emotions unpredictable and nothing more solid to hold on to than a ruin of a house, consider beginning a relationship at all? Was I really ready to move on in that way? Or was Anna just so captivating I’d lost all grip on reality? I felt nauseous because the chances of me really being able to make a relationship work, right at that moment, were thin to non-existent, however much I wished it was different.

  Chapter Six

  Optimism and doubt waged a war inside me over the next two days, and I spent them in a kind of limbo. Finally, the contrary impulses negated each other, leaving me incapable of understanding the way I was feeling. I’d not experienced such moments of excitement at the notion of something that could happen in the future since the early days of my relationship with Francesca, but neither had I been dragged down by such confusion since the weeks after our break up. I realised just how severely my emotions had been damaged by all that had happened in the past year. I was recovering and I was moving forward, but I still had a long way to go. Complicating that process now was a bad idea.

  For those two days I did nothing constructive at all. On the first I slept late, and once I was awake—not bothering with breakfast or washing—I wandered aimlessly around the house, seeing nothing but the damage and decay, wondering how I was ever supposed to know where to start. Then I would remember I had Anna to guide me and feel flushed with hope.

  By the time I woke up on the second day, close to lunchtime, I couldn’t stand the thought of more time in the dusty, shadowy rooms, tormenting myself with the scale of the task I had taken on. I peered through the window and saw the blanket of snow had deepened overnight. Everything was smooth and serene. I needed to be part of it, to clear my head, lose myself in the pristine whiteness. Wrapping up in several layers of fleece, I pulled on my most waterproof boots, and headed out into the dazzling scene.

  The cold air stung my skin sharply. Even Phoebe looked cold. There was a most undignified icicle o
n the end of her nose. I did her the favour of breaking it off with my gloved fingers.

  “Don’t thank me,” I said to her. “I know you’d do the same for me.” She gazed steadfastly over my shoulder. Such dedication to her lost love. Had she ever been tempted to move on? Seen a sudden flash of potential in some other chiselled figure, someone to save her from her solitary longing? Maybe that was why she appeared so wistful. If I kept looking behind me, studying the mistakes and regrets instead of moving forward, would I end up like my statue friend, cold, alone, and frozen? I didn’t want my story to go that way, but could I dare to hope for different?

  I looked away from her serene face before the tears came. Crying while gazing at a statue was ridiculous. I looked out over the vista of the park instead. To my left was the snow-covered driveway and the trees which lined it. To my right the snow-smoothed meadows were rolling, gradually sloping downhill towards the river. I’d only taken short walks in the park so far. Now I decided I wanted to go as far as the river and see the bridge I owned. Possessing a bridge was still a bizarre concept to comprehend.

  The undisturbed snow was ankle deep and powdery. Traipsing through it, leaving footprints where no one else had walked, was incredibly satisfying. I’d not seen this much snow in England since my childhood. Throwing myself to the ground and waving my arms and legs to make a snow angel was tempting, but sensing the house with its sophisticated history behind me, I suddenly didn’t want to do anything Winter would disapprove of. Not in sight of the house, anyway.

  The landscape was almost entirely monochrome, the sky sunless, dull light flattening my surroundings. The silence suggested the snow had suffocated every living thing. Thick, like a sinister blanket, the snow obscured so much detail. Threatening and peaceful at the same time. The temptation to try to lose myself in that silence, to push away the urge to move on, and to stagnate pulled at my heart. I’d still not finished mourning my mother. I should be concerned by my distant relationship with my sister. I had no job and knew I could not return to the career I’d spent most of my life building. Ideas for my future financial security had come and gone over the past few months, but nothing had seemed to fit. Now I had a rundown manor house to take care of and a potential business to provide me with part of a solution, but one which would take a lot of work. On top of it all I was falling head over heels for a woman I had no business being attracted to at this point in my life. My heart was still sore from my break up with Francesca. I still missed her. I really shouldn’t fling myself into any further entanglements yet. So many considerations I wanted to hide myself away from. I looked around me and drew in a deep breath of the cold air. The calm, white nothingness of the snow allowed me a blissful emptiness, as I let it inside me and felt it erase those worries for the moment.

  As I continued to walk, and the exercise began to make me feel better. I laughed at myself as I pondered the safety of hiding away in Winter and avoiding potential relationships. A less complicated life beckoned. I could be a traditional English eccentric, haunting the rooms of my decaying home. Perhaps I’d adopt stray cats and have dozens of them in every room. Maybe I’d become the stuff of local legend. I just had to resist the temptation of Anna.

  I drew in another deep breath and tried to rid my mind of the image of Anna. She stayed with me with remarkable persistence for a daydream. Frustrated, I bent down and scooped up a handful of snow, forming it into a ball and aiming it at the trunk of the nearest tree. I missed. The skeletal branches of the tree, outlined black against the pale grey sky, mocked me. Again, I half imagined the trees of Winter were likely to come to life. This one looked ready to tear my eyes out. I turned away from it with a shiver.

  My route took me over the slight brow of the hill and then down a long shallow slope to the bank of the river. Compelled by some reckless urge, as soon as I began downhill, I broke into a galloping run, my feet dragging as they barely cleared the snow, which found its way into my boots and melted into my socks. I cut a path of destruction through the smooth, perfect surface, sending snow flying in all directions, and almost losing my footing several times. I didn’t think, allowing the exhilaration to overtake me. When I arrived at the bottom of the slope, drawing in rapid lungfuls of the frosty air and my face stinging from the cold, I looked up at the mess I had made of the snow with some satisfaction. At least it looked as if someone had been here now. I’d made my mark, made myself solid, not just a spectre haunting the house and not so easily obliterated. Another unexpected wave of optimism swept through me, and I resumed my hunt for the bridge enthusiastically.

  I walked for about a quarter of a mile alongside the small river. The water was jet black against the white of the snow, glassy but rippling under the surface. A willow tree wept into the river, and where its branches skimmed the water it was covered in crystals of ice. The sheer beauty of it was breathtaking. To own such magnificence was extraordinary, to be able to explore it at will liberating.

  The river meandered to the left. I followed the curve and there, before me, the bridge presented itself. Three pointed arches built in grey stone spanned the water gracefully. Half the bridge was coated in windblown snow. From where I stood, each end of the structure was framed by snow-encrusted foliage, including dark green ivy. It was spectacular, a picture an artist might have painted in oils. Amazed, my spirits soared as I took on board that such beauty belonged to me. Remembering Anna’s suggestion, that Winter would be a perfect location for an artists’ retreat, I imagined sharing this beauty with people with a real appreciation of its charms. Such a perfect solution for both my future and Winter’s. The future shone brightly again. I would bring Anna here, hopefully before all the snow had melted. I was sure she would appreciate the graceful architecture of the bridge. Gothic arches, if I wasn’t mistaken.

  I set off in the direction of the bridge, and walked to the centre of it, looking down on the swiftly flowing river below. I smiled to myself and thought how bizarre it was to have been craving oblivion and nothingness just a few minutes ago. I wanted movement, fine detail, all the beauty of life. I was still here, still breathing. If I’d learned only one lesson from the last year, watching my mother fade slowly from the world had taught me how precious every moment is. I had to hold onto that when life seemed challenging and take time to appreciate my surroundings. The water trickled beneath the bridge, and the gentle sound soothed me. A lump of snow dropped from the branch of an overhanging tree and sunk into the water with a satisfying splosh. The landscape was waking, coming alive around me, with sounds and motion, throwing off the pall of silence.

  One sound in particular reached my ears. A thudding, rustling sound, somewhere from the other side of the bridge, a regular sound, increasing in speed. I heard a sharp whistle and a cry of, “Pepper, come back here, boy!” in a distant female voice.

  In the next instant a black and white blur raced to my side and woofed happily, before nosing my thigh. I stared at the tall Dalmatian, astonished and bemused as to where he had come from. He appeared amiable, so I stroked his head, and he pressed against me appreciatively. His head was nearly level with my hip.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I heard from the direction the dog had appeared from, “he’s just so friendly.” A broad figure wrapped up in a winter anorak and headscarf came into view, carrying a dog leash. Recognition dawned on me.

  “Maggie?” I called as she approached, trudging heavily through the snow onto the bridge.

  “Yes, pet, it’s me,” she replied, close enough to speak normally now. “Not much chance of it being anyone else out here on a day like this.” The dog left my side to stand close to his owner, and she rubbed his flank affectionately.

  “No. How are you?”

  “Well as can be in this weather. Pepper insists on a walk even on days like this.” She looked down at the dog, who gazed back with unlimited adoration. “Don’t you boy?”

  “Pepper?”

  “What else can you call a Dalmatian?” she asked, with a cheerful smile. �
�I didn’t expect to see anyone else out and about today, pet. Thought you’d be keeping warm inside.”

  “The warmest place is my hallway, where I have an electric heater, but I can’t sit in the hallway all the time. I’ve not made it down to the bridge before.”

  “Oh, it’s lovely down by the river. Better in spring though. You don’t mind me walking Pepper here do you, hun? It’s your land now.”

  “Gosh, no, don’t be silly, of course I don’t,” I replied, surprised that she had even asked. “I don’t even really think of it as my land.”

  “I’ve been coming down here for years. Wait until you see the bluebells next year.”

  “Sounds perfect.” I dwelt for a moment on the energising thought of spring and new life coming to Winter. “Though it’s a picture today.”

  “If you like the cold.” Maggie shivered obviously. “I prefer the summer myself. So, how are you doing in the house?”

  “There’s not been much work done yet. But I’ve been talking with the architect and I think we can get started soon.” Speaking of Anna in her professional capacity was a little surreal. She was so much more than merely the architect to me now.

  “You’ll have to wait for the snow to melt, I imagine.”

  “Yes, I expect so.”

  “Thought I might have seen you at the farm before now.” I felt instantly remiss for not visiting her sooner.

  “I have been meaning to visit.” It was nearly true. “Things have just been a bit strange though, you know, in a new part of the country in a rundown house.”

  “Don’t worry about it, pet, you know where I am if you need me.” Maggie was unperturbed. “Oh, get away, you daft thing!” Her last sentence was addressed to Pepper, who attempted to rear up and apparently embrace her with his front legs. Not at all offended, he returned to all fours and ran around in an excited semicircle, barking happily. I smiled at his enthusiasm.

  “Maybe I should get a dog,” I said, almost serious in my pondering. An infinitely more sensible idea than roomfuls of cats.