The Future and Why We Should Avoid It

by Scott Feschuk

  3. Halfway through your scheduled visit, you wake up in the morning to find waiting for you:

  A delicious hot breakfast on the table (0 points)

  Coffee in the pot and bread near the toaster (2 points)

  A taxi (5 points)

  4. In all likelihood, your hosts will have had to perform some minor maintenance on the cottage during your stay. How did you respond?

  Generously offered to pitch in (0 points)

  Generously offered to pitch in, but then hid behind a tree for two hours while pretending to search for a screwdriver (2 points)

  Yelled from bed, “Yo, trying to nap here, Captain Wet-Vac!” (5 points)

  5. Every guest makes certain demands—but are you asking too much of your hosts? There are warning signs. For instance, when you request a “fluffier” pillow, does your host:

  Give you one happily? (0 points)

  Give you one reluctantly? (2 points)

  Give you one by holding it down over your face? (5 points)

  6. Some cottage owners send subtle “signals” to indicate that guests have worn out their welcome. Have your hosts said or done any of the following? Score two points for each time you answer yes:

  Asked, “When are you leaving?”

  Asked, “You’re leaving tomorrow, right?”

  Declared, “You’re leaving tomorrow!”

  Filed suit in a court of law, seeking a restraining order against your “big fat face”

  Glared daggers at you, symbolically

  Wielded daggers at you, actually

  Hurled all your suitcases into the lake “accidentally”

  Left this book out for you, with this page open and the following words circled and underlined: GO HOME, DEADBEATS

  The verdict:

  0 to 9 points: Congratulations—you’re officially tolerable! Bank on a return visit next summer.

  10 to 23 points: It’s looking iffy. Your best hope for a return invitation is if your hosts’ others friends are marginally more unbearable.

  24 points or more: You will never again be invited to this cottage. Safe in this knowledge, you may as well crash their boat now for good measure.

  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  Looking for a fun getaway? Here are five theme cruises. Four of them are available for booking right now. The other? I made it up. Try to guess which one.

  The Wizard Cruise: “Imagine!” the website says. “Imagine 600 Harry Potter fanatics, dressed in their finest wizard robes and brandishing magic wands, descending upon a modern luxury liner.” Do you have that image in your head? Now imagine all of the other passengers pointing and laughing. Imagine the three female “wizards” on board getting tired of hearing the same pickup line: “Wanna pet my hippogriff?” Imagine Quidditch being a letdown because the snitch is a beach ball and a Muggle keeps deflating your water wings.

  Listen: I’m not saying this cruise is likely to attract a homely group of passengers, but before the voyage there will be a brief pause as the ship is christened the Self-Love Boat.

  Kid Rock’s Chillin’ the Most Cruise: Organizers anticipate a record number of utterances of the word bro as Kid Rock fans set sail from Miami, bro, to Great Stirrup Cay.

  According to the cruise’s website, “There’s no place else on Earth where you can chill the most like this”—although I, for one, question the scientific rigour with which that analysis was performed. Besides, doesn’t getting competitive about who’s doing the most chillin’ undermine the very philosophy at the root of chillin’? It’s somethin’ worth thinkin’ about, Kid Roc’.

  Passengers on this five-day cruise will be treated to a Speedo contest, a beer-drinking tournament and something called a Lucky Bitch Contest, with women being “randomly selected” from the crowd—“so get dolled up and ready to show off.” Presumably the written portion of the exam comes later.

  Mr. Rock, whose terrible music makes Jesus cry, will perform two shows on board before being fatally attacked by a porpoise—assuming the diorama I made comes true.

  High Seas Rally: For this cruise, billed as a motorcycle rally on a ship, the only must-have item in your wardrobe is anything leather, and the only thing frowned upon is the proper use of English. “This ain’t no dress-up cruise,” the website says, adding: “Wees treat ya like royalty but don’t cost ya like such.” Is that how motorcycle people actually talk? It sounds more like a pirate living at Downton Abbey.

  Anyway, this cruise is a chance for people who own motorcycles and love motorcycles to go on a ship where they can’t take their motorcycles, which makes sense apparently. Activities include the Belly Smacker contest, which I didn’t read about further because I prefer to imagine it. (In my imagination, the contestant is always Justin Bieber.)

  Couples Cruise: As many as 2,500 swingers are expected to set sail on this seven-day journey to who-cares-where because: naked ladies. The ship probably doesn’t even leave the dock. Book now to ensure a lifetime of memories and friction burns.

  Much of the website is devoted to the question of where you’re allowed to be naked on the ship. You can be naked while sitting out on the pool deck (all chair covers burned nightly!) but you can’t be naked in the elevators. When all else fails, organizers suggest remembering this simple rule: “You have to cover the boobies in the inside public areas.”

  The place to be seen on the cruise—although not very well, on account of all the people who’ll be on top of you—is the Playroom, a large space with king-size mattresses divided by what organizers describe as “sensual gauze curtains.” (Sensual curtains? Really? Is there anything that doesn’t turn these people on?)

  Ezra Levant’s Freedom Cruise: You know how cruises are enjoyable and fun? Well, now they don’t have to be! Join the self-proclaimed “provocateur” and his Sun News Network colleagues on a week-long journey highlighted by “fascinating panel discussions” and other oxymorons. It’s like that old TV theme song: Set a course for adventure—but then ram into an iceberg of tedium!

  As host of the cruise, Ezra pledges that all guests will be able to “interact” with Sun TV’s biggest personalities, including the upside-down mop that’s had a prime-time show for two months without anyone noticing. As many as two hundred “freedom enthusiasts” are expected to attend the panel sessions, meaning some Sun TV personalities will double their ratings.

  So which cruise isn’t actually for real? Which one did I invent?

  I was lying. They all exist.

  The Future and Why We Should Avoid It

  Reason No. 3: Killer Robots

  Recent advances in robotics are nothing short of amazing. It’s a really exciting and innovative field right now. It’s utterly fascinating to follow along as each and every day we move closer to a utopian future in which these wondrous machines will entertain, enlighten, assist, serve and murder us all.

  Ah, robots! They don’t just assemble our cars and mow our lawns and appear in our motion pictures covered in synthetic flesh under the screen name Vin Diesel anymore. Today, robots are used to cut upward of a thousand chicken legs per hour and to conduct invasive brain surgery, though not yet simultaneously. With each step forward, it becomes clearer that the next generation of robots will hold great promise, tremendous possibility and, in all likelihood, our beating hearts, which they will have ripped out while we thought they were helping do up our shirts.

  As a kid growing up in the era of Battlestar Galactica and The Terminator, I naturally assumed that my life—and the life of each and every human on this planet—would end at the cold, metallic hands of a killer robot. Or maybe not a hand, exactly: some would probably have whirring blades instead. Point is: decades later, my prediction feels pretty bang-on.

  For truly we are doomed as a species—condemned by our hubris, our ingenuity and our ceaseless pursuit of a real
-life Commander Data capable of satisfying the Lieutenant Yar in all of us. (Google it, non-nerds.) Yes, for now, robots are relatively primitive machines that remain the subject of life-easing fantasy and comparisons to Keanu Reeves’s acting. But the death march of robot progress continues! These amazing advances mean that all humanity is destined to lead lives that are much more leisurely and, come the blood-soaked dawn of the robot revolution, much more over.

  Consider the Battlefield Extraction-Assist Robot, or BEAR, from Vecna Robotics. This robot has a balancing system that allows it to crouch and race across a battlefield at up to 35 km/h to retrieve a wounded soldier and bring him or her to medics. It then goes back to retrieve the four soldiers it ran over and crushed while saving the first one.

  Or how about the new line of BigDog robots from leading military developer Boston Dynamics? One model can apparently outrun Usain Bolt (I think the company used that fact simply as a comparison—but if the sprinter turns up face-down with a robo-paw print in his back, we’ve got our suspect). Another comes with a mouth capable of picking up and casually tossing aside a cinder block. So what we have is a 600-pound, lightning-fast mechanical cheetah equipped with super-strong jaws of death? I ask you: What could go wrong?

  Do I sound like a naysayer? I tend to think of myself more as a prophet—and not only because these robes are very freeing through the mid-section. The way I see it, being a visionary prophet is not just about foretelling the blood-soaked dawn of the Robocalypse. Expressive hand gestures and cool sound effects are required too. To me, it’s never been a question of if robots will rise up—it’s a question of when, and where, and will they accept me as one of their own if I wear a Crock-Pot on my head and make R2-D2 sounds? Because if not, I’ve really been wasting my weekends.

  Everywhere we look, robots have been slyly working to destabilize our way of life. Under sea: the first batch of robots dispatched to cap the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico actually made it worse. On land: robots used for stock trading suddenly sent markets plunging. In Tipper Gore’s house: a robot abruptly left its human female companion after forty years of marriage.

  One way to get a sense of where we stand is to take a look at so-called robotic advances and gauge where they rank on the Kill-Us-All-o-Meter—with a score of one being an innocuous development unlikely to lead to the extermination of our species, and ten being a guy at Cyberdyne Systems saying, “Hey, I know, let’s call it Skynet!”

  • Progress: A group of scientists successfully programmed a research robot to order and buy a sandwich from Subway.

  Implications: Minimal. Others have possessed this technology for years, and humanity has yet to be erased by a lethal uprising at the hands of speed skater Apolo Ohno.

  Kill-Us-All-o-Meter: Two out of ten. Look on the bright side: if the sandwich-buying robot does destroy us all, at least there will be no more “$5 foot-long” commercials.

  • Progress: An assistant professor at the University of California, Berkeley, taught a robot how to fold and stack sweaters with speed and precision.

  Implications: This is bad news for Gap employees. And for anyone wearing a sweater.

  Kill-Us-All-o-Meter: Four. Here’s a lesson I learned when my parents kicked me out: once you expect individuals to fold their laundry, it’s only a matter of time before they rebel.

  • Progress: Honda’s adorable ASIMO (short for Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility)—perhaps the world’s most famous robot—became smart enough to copy a person’s dance moves.

  Implications: Copy my dance moves, will you? This means war.

  Kill-Us-All-o-Meter: Three. Five if I pull my hamstring doing the splits and am unable to complete the dance-off. (By the way, a lot of people seem to think ASIMO is going to be the robot to lead the insurrection and take over the world. But I have proof it’s not going to happen. ASIMO stands 4 foot 3. And nothing that stands 4 foot 3 can ever take over the world. Tom Cruise already tried.)

  • Progress: TrueCompanion, the maker of the world’s first female sex robot, started taking orders for a male sexbot named Rocky.

  Implications: For one, my wife may want to know why I’m aware that TrueCompanion made the world’s first female sex robot. Also, if Rocky experiences an erection lasting more than four millennia, he is encouraged to see a technician.

  Kill-Us-All-o-Meter: Seven. But what a way to go!

  • Progress: iRobot started to manufacture Warrior, a wheeled robot designed for military use.

  Implications: Warrior weighs 450 pounds, comes with a 6-foot-6-inch mechanical arm and can be weaponized to shoot a rocket that trails explosives behind it.

  Kill-Us-All-o-Meter: One. He sounds nice.

  • Progress: A Tokyo retailer placed a robot in its Valentine’s Day display window to interact with passersby.

  Implications: Sure, the robot can yawn and form a couple of facial expressions, but that makes it only as advanced as certain toys and most teenagers. More troubling is the fact this may finally give Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall the fresh hook they need to pitch that sequel to Mannequin.

  Kill-Us-All-o-Meter: Zero. But the release of Mannequin: Still Posin’ would score through the roof on the Kill-Ourselves-o-Meter.

  Not all robotic developments necessarily herald the inevitable erasure of the human stain. For instance, the government of Japan spent $12 million a few years back to develop a baby harp seal robot, which was designed to comfort lonely old people. The device is equipped with motion sensors that enable it to respond to being touched with “cute seal-like chirps.” (It will be ready for export to Atlantic Canada once technicians retrofit it with lifelike blood-splatter packs.) Surely nothing as adorable as a baby harp seal could ever turn on its human master and … omigod, my haaaaaaand!!!!!!

  (For the record, Japan was also the first country to launch a talking robot into orbit to serve on the International Space Station. The robot is known as Kirobo—which is apparently derived from the Japanese words for “hope” and “robot.” In fitting symmetry, the screams of its astro-victims will be derived from the Japanese words for “Ow!” and “Why are you doing that to my pancreas?”)

  It gets cuter, and deadlier. The MIT Media Lab recently held a rare public showing of its plush teddy-bear robot. Reports indicate that the goal of this high-powered version of “Huggable” is to explore how a robot can operate usefully in a hospital environment. For instance, Huggable Bear can amuse young children and the elderly, raising the morale of hospital patients. And yet, with just a few programming tweaks, it can be transformed into Suffocating the Chronically Ill with a Pillow Bear, raising the morale of hospital accountants.

  Still, it’s pretty obvious that the Robocalypse remains in its early stages.

  I read a report from one blogger who attended a recent robotics conference and noted: “I saw robots that danced, robots that clapped, robots that fell down repeatedly and kept falling down for no apparent reason.” (This is the most encouraging evidence to date that the new line of Lindsay Lohan simulators is ready to go.)

  The robots we see today are, for the most part, harmless enough and show no immediate intention of taking either our jobs or our spleens. I mean, have you seen those expensive robots that travel from room to room in your house doing a piss-poor job of vacuuming. You call this progress? I’ve done that for free since I was nine. And have you heard about Hero? It’s a state-of-the-art Japanese robot built to … dispense tissues. Shake Hero’s hand and a Kleenex emerges from its mouth. Wow. Also, its ears move. Wow. When we arrive in the first shrieking sunrise of the robot apocalypse, what are you going to do, Hero? Dab me to death?

  And then there’s Aldebaran Robotics, a company in France that’s developing a new humanoid robot called Nao. This French robot’s features will include voice recognition, emotional expressions and, one assumes, the ability to raise its arms in surrender while simultaneously seducing the hot, underappreciat
ed wife of its new overlord.

  Don’t get me wrong: because movies have long foretold that irony will be an essential element of the robot mutiny, uprising and killing spree, the development of household-type robots to “help” with domestic chores is essential. So is naming your robot company something like Friendly Robotics (which actually exists, and manufactures the Robomow RL850. It’s the only lawn mower on the market that costs in excess of $1,000—although it comes with the power to make people assume you’re a jackass).

  Other advances of note:

  Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have created HeartLander, an inch-long robot with two legs and suction-cup feet that is designed to be inserted through a small incision and controlled by a doctor using a joystick—right up until it bursts theatrically through the patient’s stomach and swiftly devours everyone in the room, possibly while uttering a memorable catchphrase.

  Toyota has, for some reason, developed a robot capable of playing the trumpet. This raises the spectre of the most agonizing potential death of all: death by improvised jazz.

  In England, researchers recently unveiled the Heart Robot—a machine with the ability to mimic human emotions. The idea is to put the robots into old-age homes to interact with seniors. To make this robot visitor as “human” as possible, its primary emotion will be an overwhelming desire to get the hell out of there.

  Students at a Japanese university have unveiled the WAO-1 robot, which is designed to use its two arms to provide a face massage. The students are reportedly already working on the WAO-2 robot, which is designed to reattach your face.

  I know what you’re thinking—sure, some of these advances are troubling, but what’s there really to worry about? I mean, it’s not as though these robots have living brain tissue or anything. Which reminds me:

  Researchers at the University of Reading have unveiled the first robot to be controlled exclusively by living brain tissue. They named it Gordon. Gordon. I ask you: Does a subjugated order of machines require any further reason to rise up against its human oppressors?