The Future and Why We Should Avoid It

by Scott Feschuk

  Anything else?

  Whatever you do, don’t be bad at your job and get criticism or it will reflect poorly on Mr. Harper for hiring you. And whatever else you do, don’t be good at your job and get credit or it will reflect poorly on Mr. Harper when he gets jealous and bites you. There’s also the media: you must at all times keep the media wholly focused on the prime minister’s agenda.

  How am I supposed to do that?

  Whenever reporters start to have thoughts of their own, just send out a minister to claim that Canadian sovereign territory has been infringed upon by a Russian fighter jet, a dangerous Tamil freighter or a political scion who takes off his shirt. If you can’t decide which “threat” to go with, there’s a wheel you can spin. (It’s just a matter of time until “expansionist Greenlanders in rowboats” finally comes up.)

  I don’t know if I—

  Oh, and Peter MacKay likes to challenge new chiefs of staff to a wrestle. It’s just an excuse for him to “accidentally” rip open his shirt.

  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  Actual questions to Dear Abby, as answered by Stephen Harper:

  Dear Abby: The moment we got married a year ago, my husband started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. If he hasn’t learned things like “garbage goes into the garbage can” or “aim for the bowl” by his age, is there any hope? —A Newlywed

  Dear Newlywed: Listen, we all have our little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I, for one, like to wake up early and lie perfectly still in bed. Otherwise it makes things tricky for the people who dress me.

  Dear Abby: An envelope was sent around seeking our mandatory contributions to give gifts to the leader of the office “to show our appreciation.” I was always taught one never “gifts up” the chain of command. Am I wrong? —Blackmailed

  Dear Blackmailed: Or should I say, Dear JOHN BAIRD? That’s right, John—I know it’s you. I could tell from the card. Everyone else jotted down some nice words like “Thanks for everything” (Tony Clement) or “Why do you hate me?” (Diane Ablonczy). But you just signed your name, John. I bet you didn’t even chip in for the Snuggie.

  Dear Abby: At Christmas we invite my brother and his family to our home. Every year, my brother calls to ask what’s on the menu, then offers his opinion on what we should or shouldn’t serve. Last year he told me he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the meal because we weren’t serving one of the items he feels is “traditional” in our family. What should I do? —Offended in Pennsylvania

  Dear Offended: You know what works for me? Every time I run into a bit of a problem or need a little space, I make one well-timed phone call to the Governor General of Canada and—poof!—problemo solved. Did it during the holidays in 2008. Did it again in 2009. Each time, my issues just sort of went away. I highly recommend giving him a call!

  Dear Abby: I’m eighteen, and feel I have met the man of my dreams. My question is: Do you think lovers can spend too much time together? Every minute, every hour and every day that we can spend together we do—and I love it. But I don’t want this to ruin our relationship. —Confused in Mississauga, ON

  Dear Confused: There’s nothing unusual here. One of the best things in life is waking up, turning over in bed and seeing my loved one. That’s what I call my reflection—“loved one.”

  Dear Abby: How do you explain to a man how uncomfortable hot flashes are?—Hot Flash Hilda

  Dear Hilda: Is this a prank? Hot flashes—as if those are real things! MacKay, you’re hilarious. How do you think up this stuff?

  Dear Abby: I am eighty, and “Doreen” is seventy-two. When we started dating seven years ago, I said, “I simply want to be your friend.” Now she just wants to be my friend and date another man. Your observations, please. —Eddie

  Dear Eddie: Listen, things change. I used to belittle my predecessor for meeting with rock stars like Bono to discuss international development. But now I shamelessly have myself photographed alongside celebrity musicians like Bryan Adams, Taylor Swift and that nice long-haired lady from Nickelback. Is that hypocritical? Maybe. But it’s a small price to pay for their backing vocals on my forthcoming album of Leo Sayer covers.

  Dear Abby: Please settle a disagreement I’m having with my husband. In the song “Jingle Bells,” he insists the horse’s name is Bob Tail. I’m pretty sure it’s a description of the horse, as their tails used to be bobbed, or cut short. Please understand my husband is one of those guys who is “never wrong!” —Jingle Belle

  Dear Jingle: Laureen?

  Dear Abby: None of my nieces and nephews has ever called me “Uncle Sam.” When the five-year-old called me “Sammy,” a name I loathe, I nearly snapped. Whatever happened to respect for your elders? —Sam

  Dear Sam: From my experience, you can’t just demand respect. You have to get out there and coerce it. It’s up to you to find the combination of threats, bullying tactics and cold, unblinking stares that works for you. And always remember: respect is a two-way street. If the people around you can no longer respect themselves, then you’ve got them right where you want them.

  Dear Abby: I’m a secretary who makes really good coffee. A man in the building likes my coffee and has made himself comfortable at my desk. He plants himself there all day, doing nothing, and I have to work around him. —Not His Barista

  Dear Barista: Sounds like one of our senators got out. We’ll send a truck around to pick him up.

  Dear Abby: My boyfriend says Valentine’s Day is a made-up holiday to get people to spend money. He never buys cards or flowers. How do I communicate to him that this is important to me? —Craving Romance

  Dear Craving: It’s crucial to keep working at any relationship. For instance, I went steady with a country for many years—until things started to sour. It became infatuated with a younger man. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter which political opponents I smeared without shame or regret, I just couldn’t seem to make it love me once again with more than 28 percent of its heart.

  I’m not saying our relationship was perfect. We had some money problems. And yes, we experienced some intimacy issues (I ended a few of our sessions “prematurely,” if you know what I mean). But each and every election I went to the trouble of taking my country by the hand, looking it in the eye and whispering in its ear an apocalyptic warning that dumping me would result in financial ruin, social upheaval and quite possibly the end of days. It’s gestures like that that keep the magic alive.

  Dear Abby: What is the proper way to kiss after the wedding officiant says, “You may now kiss the bride”? Should the couple share a simple kiss or can it be a little more intense? —Danielle

  Dear Danielle: I, for one, will never forget my own wedding day—the sight of my beautiful bride, the solemnity of our vows and the intensity of the handshake we shared.

  Dear Abby: What is the appropriate level of give and take in a relationship? I notice that in certain relationships I am always giving and never receiving. —Jake

  Dear Jake: Get back to work, Poilievre.

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  It was a time that few can forget. As the Egyptian people rose up and chased their president from office, Stephen Harper took the measure of the moment, stared history in the eye and offered the following words to posterity: those Egyptians, he said, “are not going to put the toothpaste back in the tube on this one.”

  Other world leaders reached for eloquence. Our guy reached for the Colgate. None of those fancy historical allusions for Stephen Harper! He put it in plain, straightforward talk that even a hard-working Joe who also happened to have a serious brain injury could understand: Democracy—it freshens your breath AND prevents tyranny! If the regime in Iran ever falls, we can look forward to Harper’s seminal “can’t put them horses back in that barn” address.

  Harper may have come up short in a moment of global import. But can yo
u think of one instance when he was at a loss for words about what matters most—selling his government and protecting his job?

  Consider the strategic decision by Harper and his Conservatives to begin referring to large corporations as “job creators.” It’s easy to see why they started doing it—it’s the same reason Kirstie Alley refers to a tray of Twinkies as a “nibble.”

  Harper wanted to keep cutting corporate taxes—but huge corporations are saddled with a bad reputation. That’s because of the movies, where they are typically portrayed as peddling black-market orphan blood until being brought down by George Clooney’s grimace. It’s also because of real life, where financial corporations pushed us into a recession with their insatiable greed for orphan-blood credit swaps (or something). Let’s face it: nothing sounds good when you put the word corporate in front of it. Anyone want a piece of this corporate lasagna?

  But job creators—those guys are great! Who wouldn’t support tax cuts for those guys? Sure, it’s kind of hard to figure out why unemployment is still so high with so many of these job creators around creating jobs and all. Maybe there’s a clog in the job tube. Because, from the sounds of it, these job creators just sit there all day selflessly making jobs out of thin air. POOF! You get a job and you get a job and you get a job! That’s how Prime Minister Winfrey rolls.

  The Conservatives imported the expression “job creators” from Republicans in the United States, who are masters at putting a positive spin on negative concepts like cuts to social programs (“budget relief”) and extending tax breaks for the super-rich (“Gimme!”). Since some in the media here have obligingly begun to use the term, we can expect to see more of the same from Conservatives. Farewell, words with negative connotations!

  Old term: DeficitNew term: Aspiring surplus

  Used in a sentence: “Mr. Speaker, I am proud to say it was this Conservative government that presided over the largest aspiring surplus in our history.”

  Old term: Tar sandsNew term: Money juice

  Used in a sentence: “Hey, how did these three thousand dead ducks wind up in our money juice?”

  Old term: Greenhouse gas emissionsNew term: Earth farts

  Used in a sentence: See next Adam Sandler movie.

  Old term: John BairdNew term: Justin Bieber

  Used in a sentence: “Doesn’t Justin Bieber have an inside voice?”

  Those expressions and more await us. For now, it’s just “job creators” and what we can do for them so that maybe they can possibly do something for us perhaps. And if they later slash jobs by the thousands to protect the bottom line, the government can praise them as “leisure creators.”

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  So it turns out Stephen Harper really did write a book about hockey, and it actually did get published. Some of you bought the book. Many more of you received it as a gift. None of you read it. I’m here to help.

  What’s it about? According to the publisher, A Great Game draws on “extensive archival records and illustrations, histories of the sport and newspaper files” to chronicle hockey’s early years, with a focus on “the hard-boiled businessmen who built the game.” (Alas, it appears credit for hockey’s growth will yet again elude the era’s over-easy businessmen.)

  Word has it the book offers “a historian’s perspective and [a] fan’s passion.” It’s true Stephen Harper has passion to burn when it comes to hockey. You need a lot of internal fire to maintain the illusion that all seven Canadian teams are your favourite team.

  Isn’t it weird for a leader to publish a book while in office? Few would begrudge Harper his hobbies: writing, playing music, systematically draining the will to live from an endless procession of communications directors. But it’s legit to ask how he found the time, given all that business about our shores and so forth. SO MANY TROUBLES LAPPING! It makes for a bit of a mixed message, doesn’t it? Yes, yes, I’ll fix the economy—but first I must tend to this anecdote about Newsy Lalonde!

  At minimum, the book’s release opens us to some serious ribbing down at the UN. Governing Canada—now almost a full-time job.

  Just how anticipated was this book? It was described in news stories as “much-awaited,” “long-awaited” and “hotly anticipated.” That’s right—hotly anticipated. First there were wizards. Then vampires. And now the tweens are bonkers for obscure, mustachioed hockey players from nineteen-aught-nine.

  It’s probably more accurate to say that people were “awaiting” the book in the same way they “await” things like Coldplay albums or the bus—with an indifference tinged by faint curiosity. Or perhaps I’m naive and throngs flocked to Chapters at midnight, dressed as Skein Ronan of the Renfrew Creamery Kings.

  What was the worst part of the launch? Definitely the book tour. This is a man who pathologically avoids questions about, you know, governing and stuff. But he was all too happy to slip into a cozy sweater and drone on about life before the blue line. And, like all authors, he shoehorned book promo into every opportunity. Check out this excerpt from Hansard:

  Mr. Harper: What is it that makes Canada great? Some say it’s our geography. Others say it’s the people. Many insist it’s the fact that my new book, A Great Game, published by Simon & Schuster, is available on Amazon for the remarkably low price of $21.37.

  Some Hon. Members: Spend just $3.63 more for free Super Saver Shipping!

  Any upside to this? Well, I’d hoped we’d finally get closure on a question that has long haunted our nation: Can Stephen Harper skate? The book’s publicity material cites Harper’s on-ice “career” with the Leaside Lions. But he has avoided strapping on the blades with a camera in the vicinity. I say: come clean with the Canadian people! Or are you afraid the ensuing video would prompt a Liberal attack ad: Stephen Harper, ANKLE BURNER.

  What’s with the J.? On the book’s cover, the author is listed as “Stephen J. Harper.” You may think that’s a little pretentious—but you’re wrong. It’s a lot pretentious. Ladies and gentleman, presenting the prime minister of Canada, and our dear guest here at Downton Abbey, Mr. Sir Stephen J. Harper, Earl of Leaside and King of Kensington. [Cue trumpet fanfare and twenty-one–monocle salute.]

  Now that he’s insisting on the middle initial, can we assume SJH will be adopting other affectations of the literary author? The ascot? The pipe? The drunken fistfights with Margaret Atwood?

  Who bought the book? To be fair, many Canadians awoke on Christmas morning to find A Great Game under the tree. I bet two of them were Harper’s children.

  Ben: Oh, gee, uh … thanks, Dad.

  PM: That’s Stephen J. Dad to you.

  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  There’s no way around it: the future looks bleak for the Canadian Senate. Upon being beset by scandal, the upper chamber turned into a problem for Stephen Harper. But there’s a solution. To discourage further expense-claim chicanery, we need to find a way to get more money into the hands of disadvantaged Senators.

  We need to grasp that this ragtag band of luckless appointees can’t possibly get by on a measly $132,000 a year, plus benefits, per diems, free travel, generous allowances and probably back rubs, tons of back rubs.

  People of Canada, I invite you to contribute to my Senate of Canada Kickstarter.

  Give generously and together we may be able to satisfy the financial appetites of our most privileged political citizens. Donate today and these exciting perks could be yours!

  Pledge $10 or more: One (1) Senate of Canada pen.

  Pledge $25 or more: Your name will be mentioned aloud in the Senate chamber and forever immortalized in Hansard, likely in association with the phrase cheap bastard.

  Pledge $50 or more: A piece of Senate legislation will be named in your honour, then read aloud in your honour, then fallen asleep to in your honour.

  Pledge $100 or more: Former Conservative senator Patrick Bra
zeau will extend to you one (1) middle finger. What’s he supposed to do with a hundred bucks? Is this some kind of joke? Pony up for real, pal.

  Pledge $250 or more: Enjoy the emotional thrill and bodily harm of having Mike Duffy use you as a human shield to keep reporters at bay.

  Pledge $500 or more: You will be entitled to serve as a character witness for the next senator who faces criminal trial. (Note: Must feign stroke during cross-examination.)

  Pledge $1,000 or more: Supporters who donate $1,000 to a senator will receive one (1) complimentary meeting with the ethics commissioner, who will be investigating why you just gave $1,000 to a senator. Meeting may include up to one (1) glass of tap water.

  Pledge $2,000 or more: Donors are entitled to have an apology made on their behalf by Sen. Pamela Wallin. (Note: apology will be incomplete and insincere.)

  Pledge $2,500 or more: At this elite level of giving, former Liberal senator Mac Harb—who was ordered to pay back $231,000 in wrongly claimed expenses—will personally designate your home as his primary residence. Do you have any dependents? Mac Harb could sure use some dependents. Hey, are you going to finish that sandwich?

  Pledge $3,000 or more: Complimentary dinner and drinks with between one (1) and three (3) humiliated senators. (Complimentary for them, so bring cash.)

  Pledge $4,000 or more: A sitting senator will come to your home and diminish your faith in parliamentary democracy in person!

  Pledge $5,000 or more: You deserve a day to yourself—so let the master of excuses, Senator Duffy, phone in sick for you! He’ll even handle any follow-up queries regarding your “health issues.” Don’t worry about job security: Mike can smoothly stickhandle through any contingency. Some examples:

  Q: Where’s your doctor’s note?