Mushrooms (Insanity Book 8)

by Cameron Jace

  “What?”

  “Problems with women?”

  “I am not following.”

  “Did you do something wrong?”

  “Wait. Why do you ask?”

  “It’s the one reason you would want to buy drugs from me.”

  “No,” Lewis waved his hand in the air. “You misunderstood. I don’t want drugs.”

  “Then you lose, my friend,” the Pillar leaned back to his hookah, disappointed. “The way out of the garden is here,” he pointed west then squinted. “Wait, it’s here,” he pointed east. “Nah, I think it’s here. Whatever. Suit yourself and find your way out like you found your way in.”

  “But I want you to help me,” Lewis said. “Well, I said it. I admit it. I need your help.”

  “If it doesn’t have anything to do with drugs, then you should go get help from your mother. I’m not into emotional assistance.”

  “I need a mushroom.”

  The Pillar leaned forward again. “I see,” he rubbed his chin. “So you’re a reluctant user. You want to try but aren’t sure, right?”

  “That’s not it. I need a mushroom to forget.”

  “Ohhh,” the words came out slow and thoughtful. “So you’ve done something bad. Very bad.”

  “It’s not like that. I know a secret and need to forget so Carolus doesn’t know about it.”

  “Then don’t tell Carolus,” the Pillar said nonchalantly.

  “Carolus is inside me. In fact, he is me.”

  “Hmm… so you want a mushroom to keep a secret away from yourself?”

  “Close enough.”

  The Pillar laughed wholeheartedly. He shook on the spongy mushroom underneath him. “I always knew you were a loon.”

  “So how much does it cost?”

  “That kind of mushroom costs a lot.”

  “I have money.”

  The Pillar laughed, “I never understand why people think money is valuable.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean all the money in the world doesn’t get you that kind of mushroom. In fact, I rarely get paid in money.”

  “Then how do you get paid?”

  “A currency more valuable and precise and swift than money.”

  “Which is?”

  “I get paid in favors,” the Pillar winked. “I scratch your back, you scratch mine.”

  Lewis seemed reluctant. He couldn’t imagine what kind of favor the Pillar would ask of him. They weren’t even two different sides of a coin. The two men were two completely different coins. What would they have in common that the Pillar would consider a favor?

  “What do you want?” Lewis asked.

  The Pillar rubbed his hand and leaned ever closer. His eyes gleamed with excitement. “I want to get married.”

  9

  The River, London

  The shooting tanks kill our hopes of escaping. The guns in our hands mean so little now. Sure they would help us with protecting ourselves against anyone from the shore coming closer, but not the tanks.

  “I love you, man in the sky!” the Mushroomer insists on talking with open arms. I can’t save him anymore. He is enamored with whatever was up there.

  As for me, I am all over the place, helping the others who got wounded while Constance begins rowing.

  In a glance, I see the Mushroomer is gone. His man in the sky didn’t save him from the tanks.

  In a moment of anger I pull out my two guns and fire aimlessly at the tanks by the shore. Nothing happened, of course. I am just blowing off steam.

  Behind me, the Mushroomers and Constance look weirdly at me. They don’t expect me to lose my temper. I am supposed to be calm so that they stay as calm as possible. The worst thing in the world is when you have to pretend you know what you are doing when you don’t.

  “I’d say I dive in the water toward the shore is a good idea,” Constance shouts against the blaring sounds of the tanks.

  “If I go, you will die,” I tell her.

  I turn around and shoot blindly at the tanks. Another bomb misses me by a few meters. I flip back and fall into the water.

  Swimming up, I wonder if I have a superpower or know some magic. Shouldn’t Alice have this sort of stuff?

  I pull myself up and see the Mushroomers and Constance are staring upward.

  “The man in the sky,” Constance says.

  “What the hell?” I blurt, pulling myself up.

  “He is real,” Constance is freaking smiling and pointing upward.

  I crane my head and see a helicopter. A black one that strangely doesn’t produce a sound. It lowers slowly in our direction, swirling the wind and shaking the water all around us. We shield our faces with our hands as it closes in.

  Then a tremendous amount of guns drop on the boat.

  “Who is that?” I ask.

  “Who cares?” Constance starts helping the Mushroomers into the helicopter.

  I help them as well. I bend over to become a stepping stone so they reach for the helicopter’s door. It takes a lot of time and some of Mushroomers die in the process.

  “What about him?” Constance points at Tom Truckle.

  “What about him?” I ask. “We have to save him as well.”

  “I don’t trust him,” Constance says.

  “I don’t care,” I pull his hand toward the helicopter. “What’s wrong with you?” I sneer at Constance as she ducks away from another bomb.

  She lets out an angry growl. “I will take care of the March Hare. He deserves to live.”

  As I help the last Mushroomer up to the helicopter, I stretch out a hand for Constance to pull me up. Instead it’s someone else who stretches out.

  I don’t know if I should laugh or not, but I can’t believe this is who came to save us. I actually missed him a lot.

  “In your service, miss,” the Mousy Chauffeur says. “Let me help.”

  I take his hand. “You drive helicopters now?”

  “Well, Mr. Pillar let me go, and I needed to make a living. Welcome aboard.”

  10

  Past: The Poison Garden, Alnwick, Northumberland, England

  “Married,” Lewis Carroll stopped himself from laughing. He couldn’t imagine who would marry this beast. Also who would want to be the Pillar wife or even child.

  “Honestly, I’m still too young for that,” the Pillar reasoned. “And I had never considered myself the marriage type.”

  “Then why do you want to get married now?”

  “Love,” the Pillar blew out smoke the shape of the heart and he stared at it with beady eyes as it waved before him.

  “Love?” Lewis put his hand in his pockets. “Seriously?”

  “It’s a beautiful thing, Lewis. You should try it some time.”

  Lewis shrugged. The Pillar was referring to Lewis loveless life. “So how does this have anything to do with me doing you a favor to get my mushroom?”

  “You know the bride.”

  “Ah, that’s it,” Lewis ran his hand through his hair. “Look, Pillar, no offense, but it’s really going to be hard to convince anyone to love you.”

  “She doesn’t have to love me,” the Pillar said. “I love her. That’s all that matters.”

  “Whoa,” Lewis rolled his eyes. “Look, I don’t have time. Really. Carolus could wake up any moment. Ask anything else of me.”

  “No marriage, no mushroom. Take it or leave it.”

  Lewis sighed, feeling his migraines returning. Soon he will be stuttering again. Soon the pain will return. Soon Carolus will come alive. “All right, who is she?”

  “So you’re going to tell her?” the Pillar clapped his hands like a child.

  “Yes,” Lewis said. “But I don’t guarantee anything else.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m charming. I will make her mine.”

  “So who is she, Pillar?”

  That’s when the Pillar descended his mushroom throne and walked toward Lewis. “The Queen’s sister.”

  Lewis took a moment to
remember who the Queen’s sister was. “You mean the Queen of Hearts’ sister?”

  “Yes.”

  “I always knew she had a sister but… what was her name again?”

  “Come on, Lewis. You know.”

  Lewis took a moment to collect this thought then burst out saying, “No!”

  “What?”

  “You won’t marry her of course. She’s too young.”

  “I am young enough.”

  “I mean she is such an innocent girl, I can’t imagine you—”

  “Innocent?” the Pillar snorted. “She is the Queen’s sister, I am telling you there is nothing innocent about the Queen’s family.”

  “Pillar, listen to me. Please not her.”

  “Oh,” the Pillar took a few steps back. “You like her.”

  Lewis’ face went red. “You misunderstand me—”

  “I think I do understand,” the Pillar’s eyes reddened, just momentarily, then softened again with subtle slyness. “Tell you what, Lewis, here is your precious mushroom.”

  Lewis watched the Pillar hand it to him. It didn’t make sense that he would have changed his mind so abruptly. Lewis hadn’t enough time or peace of mind to consider the Pillar’s real motives. To him, he was racing time before Carolus awoke.

  “Thank you, Pillar,” Lewis took the mushroom but didn’t eat it. He asked, “Do I have enough time to do something before I forget?” he wanted to visit the March and tell him about the Six Keys and keep the secret with him.

  “Half a day. You have time.”

  “Thank you,” Lewis began eating the mushroom.

  “Don’t mention it, Lewis,” the Pillar embarked his mushroom again, pleased that the mushroom would mess up Lewis’ life so he would not be competing for the same woman he wished to marry.

  Lewis began to ache as the mushroom appeared to have side effects. “Does it have to hurt like that, Pillar?”

  “You wanted to forget, Lewis,” the Pillar said. “Forgetting is as painful as remembering.”

  11

  Present: A helicopter above the River

  “Everyone get a gun,” Constance orders the Mushroomers. I am skeptic about this move, as I don’t find them responsible enough to do so. But I pass. At least Constance moves faster than I do.

  The look on their faces is both appalling and laughable. Some have the look of a child with their new toy gun. Happy to shoot like in any superhero movie. Kill the bad guys and win the girl back.

  But some are puzzled as to why they should hold guns. Aren’t they the good guys? If movies taught us for years that the good guys win, why do they have to end up killing for freedom?

  “Do you know how to drive this?” Tom taunts the chauffeur.

  “Just got my license yesterday,” the Pillar’s chauffeur winks back at Tom.

  “So we’re your first flight?” Tom shrieks.

  “Let’s pray it’s not your last, Mr. Truckle,” the chauffeur takes a substantial dip to avoid some kind of missile.

  “Wow!” the Mushroomers love a rollercoaster ride.

  “OK. OK,” Tom screams. “Please don’t kill us.”

  “It’s not my intention, trust me,” the chauffeur says. “But my late master, Sir Carter Pillar, used to tell me ‘shit happens’ whether you like it or not.’”

  Constance is all giggles and wide-eyed at how the chauffeur messes with Truckle.

  “Sir Carter Pillar?” I ask.

  “He was friends with Sir Elton John, wasn’t he? I am sure he was going to be a Sir if he lived long enough.”

  “So you’re sure he died?” Constance asks.

  “Well, Sir Carter Pillar is dead. But then again he does die often, so it’s not a new thing.”

  I am not sure what the chauffeur implies, or whether he knows more about the Pillar than we do.

  Before I ask, Tom interrupts. “I need a phone!”

  “Shut up!” Constance says. “Who do you want to call, your mum?”

  “My children. They are worried about me.”

  “Later, Tom,” I interfere, as I pick up a gun and sit next to the chauffeur. “We all need to call our loved ones, but later.”

  “Loved ones?” he mocks me. “You have nobody.”

  His words cut like a knife. I resist looking back and punching him in the face.

  “Now that the Pillar is gone,” he continues.

  I look at the chauffeur, neglecting Tom. “So, we have a plan to get out of here?”

  “I am waiting for your orders, Boss,” he says.

  I hate how everyone calls me boss now. “Just get us away from the river.”

  “I am trying, Boss.”

  “We need to get the Mushroomers to somewhere safe. There is a warehouse in the East. I’ll show you the way once you take off. It’s safe.”

  “How do you know it’s safe, Boss?” the chauffeur asks.

  “It’s a warehouse for roses and such. I doubt anyone is interested in it now.”

  “Good plan, Boss. And then?”

  “Normally I’d say we should take the March to a doctor, but it’s not safe. Do any of you Mushroomers have medical expertise?” I tilt my head back.

  “I have, Boss!” A Mushroomer with a gun says. “I have had my head mushed in that room forever. That’s medical expertise.”

  The other Mushroomers laugh. Constance doesn’t but has swallowed it inside. Tom laughs even louder. He laughs, looking at me.

  “It’s a wild bunch, Boss,” the chauffeur looks my way empathetically. “I remember the Pillar saying that sometimes he wanted to save the Mushroomers, and sometimes he wanted to kill them because they were stupid.”

  “Stop telling her about the Pillar,” Tom says. “She is alone now. Useless. Weak.”

  I grip my gun tighter, staring ahead. If I am going to kill anyone today, it could be Tom.

  And though I try to avoid him, he pushes harder and says, “She has nobody, not even her imaginary lover, Jack.”

  This is when I can’t take it. I swivel, ready to point my gun at his skull. But then something strange happens. Someone says something in the helicopter. A voice I hadn’t heard for a while. Someone who I have really, really missed.

  “I wouldn’t say that, Tom,” the voice says.

  The voice has its hands rested on Tom’s shoulder, squeezing painfully.

  The voice has a chest I once knew.

  I raise my head.

  The voice has a face.

  It smiles at me.

  The face is splotched with blood and is wounded under the lips and near the eyes. Two diagonal cuts.

  “I may be imaginary,” the voice says. “But I haven’t left.”

  The voice has eyes. Beautiful eyes. They dawn upon me. Gentle and caring and full of hope.

  It’s Jack.

  12

  The Vatican

  Angelo Cardone, also known as the Cheshire, sat with his whiskey bottle, watching the news on TV. The priests and nuns were sprawled around him. Most of them unconscious.

  It hadn’t been a challenge to convince them that drinking can purge the soul. He was in a position like no one in the world. With his cattish devilishness, he could have convinced them he was a prophet.

  The BBC news, not broadcasting frequently anymore, as their headquarters was under attack, announced the escape of the Inklings. An unprofessional reporter — a trainee maybe — standing with a mic in one hand, the world in chaos behind him, reported the sighting of a soundless helicopter saving Alice and some of the Inklings.

  “However, it’s confirmed that the Queen of England is dead,” the reporter said. “And it’s presumed that her killer Pillar da Killa has been killed in the asylum when it burned down to the ground. Margaret Kent, the famous parliament woman, is also presumed dead.”

  “Huh,” Angelo gulped. “Looks like I missed a Game of Throne’s finale. That would have been fun.”

  “Two girls by the name of Lorina and Edith were also found dead,” the reporter said. “It’s ru
mored they were Alice’s sisters. Most probably partners in crime. Interpol has found evidence of Alice’s secret headquarters in the basement of their house.”

  “I love the news. They pretend they know everything,” the Cheshire talked to his silent, drunk, and unconscious friends. “Sometimes I think the BBC, CNN, and especially Al Jazeera know more than God.”

  He gulped again, toasting with the reporter on the screen.

  “As you see can see behind me, the world is in chaos. It’s hard to tell who is fighting who. But electricity isn’t available in many places in Britain at the moment. Robbery is just the norm right now. So many people got killed, and no one has any idea who did it. It’s madness. If the world is fighting the Inklings, it also seems it might be at war with itself.”

  “Touche,” the Cheshire said, as his phone rang. It was a Red from the Black Chess office.

  “Mr. Jay wants you to do a speech, encouraging people to kill Alice so he will have greater power over her when he catches her.”

  “I assume he hasn’t found the Six Keys yet then,” the Cheshire said.

  “No. The Pillar is dead. The Asylum is gone. Only Alice knows.”

  “Didn’t Mr. Jay implant an imposter among her group?”

  “Yeah,” the Red confirms.

  “Did the imposter contact you to tell you what’s going on with the Inklings?”

  “Not yet.”

  “All right, I will do the speech,” the Cheshire hung up, “I need another drink.

  13

  A helicopter away from the River

  I have felt so much hesitation and had so many uncertainties the last hour, but now seeing Jack, is one thing I need to be sure of. I jump off of my seat and across Tom Truckle and kiss him.

  Jack is slightly off balance, but I don’t pull away. I need this so much. Slowly he understands and kisses me back.

  “Absolutely wow!” the Mushroomers giggle.

  “Absolutely absurd,” Tom mumbles behind me. I kick him with my feet.