337 days

by Denise Kim Wy

  She helped me to sit up.

  "What happened after … After I passed out?" I asked.

  "Mac carried you here in the clinic. He was panicking. He wanted to stay to apologize when you wake up but he must attend his gym class. You know Mac."

  "Well, tell him its okay."

  The nurse suddenly showed up holding a clipboard.

  "You're okay Mr. Mansen?" She asked.

  "Yeah I'm good, I just need rest." I'm honestly afraid that she'll start asking me some questions that would lead to my true condition.

  "Guess I'm good to go?" I asked.

  "Yeah, just tell your friend to avoid head smacking. It's bad you know."

  ***

  I decided to go home now. I don't think I would be able to concentrate on Philosophy class when head is still fuzzy. Mrs. Zachary would understand that.

  "Want me to accompany you home?" Althea asked, she looked worried.

  "I've got a car."

  "But you might faint or what."

  "No I’m cool."

  "You don't look alright."

  "Look here Althea, I really appreciate. . . . "

  "You're hiding something."

  I'm starting to be annoyed. "I said I'm okay!"

  "No you're not! You were quite staggering on the way here!"

  "Why do you care anyway? Stop asking questions and leave me alone!"

  "What is with you? Why do you keep on avoiding us? Don't think that we haven't noticed that 'coz we do!"

  "Just leave me alone! I don't need your pity!" I'm not thinking quite clearly now, but I know that was rude.

  I had enough of this. I know that she's just worried about me but she doesn't need to know what's really the matter with me.

  I just turned my back at her and went inside my car. She didn't move from where I left her. I thought saw tears in her eyes. I started the engine and headed home.

  ***

  I felt a little weak and would really love to go to sleep, but I decided to check my e-mail.

  Another letter from mom. She's asking me where I'm staying and what I'm up to. I bet she's crying while typing this email. Oh mom, I can't blame her. I’m her only child. It made me feel guilty. I decided to call her.

  She answered on the first ring.

  "Hey mom, it's me."

  "Robby! Baby I miss you!" her voice was cracking.

  "Ow mom are you crying? I'm sorry I didn't even tell you that I'm going away."

  "Where are you anyway? You didn't even answer my email."

  "Sorry mom." I really am.

  "You haven't answered my question sweetie, you're dad is also worried about you."

  "Sorry, I'm out of the country mom."

  "You're what?!"

  "Oh come on mom, I just needed to be alone."

  "You mean you haven't moved on?"

  "Move on?"

  "I know its hard Robby but, I and your dad are always here for you."

  That made nervous. Did she know about my condition? I tried to ask her.

  "What do you mean mom?" My feet were starting to get cold.

  "Oh don't deny it. I know, I know you're hurting."

  I did not answer.

  "Breaking up is always painful."

  Oh, she didn't know. She was talking about Desiree. I laughed nervously. "You mean Desiree? I'm okay mom. I can handle it. Don't worry."

  "You always say you're okay."

  "But I really am. Look mom I really wish to have a long chitchat with you but I have some important stuff to do."

  "Okay, please take care we miss you so much." I heard her sob.

  "You too mom, tell dad I miss him too. G'bye mom."

  "Bye Robby."

  I let her hung up first.

  I stared at my bedroom window, feeling all alone. Is this what I had really wanted?

  Then Desiree. I had tried my very best to not think of her. But mom had mentioned her name.

  Desiree, my first love. What had gone wrong? Well it's me. We were childhood friends. She loved me and I loved her.

  Life was perfect back then. We had a great relationship. Then I discovered that I had this malignant tumor in my brain.

  I broke up with her. Telling her I really did not like her. Of course that wasn't true. And she didn't believe it at first. Until I really started to show her that I don't give a damn about her, told her lies like I used her that I just made her a toy to show off my friends. She slapped me real hard on the cheek. I'm a total jerk.

  The reason for that?

  I didn't know whether I'll survive this sickness or not. But most likely no. I didn't want to see her see me suffer. Then if I die it would hurt her like hell.

  Yeah I know that breaking up with her had also hurt her too but at least she's mad at me. I mean she can find a guy who's not a jerk and the one who really deserves her love.

  If I let her stay in my life then she'll hope that I would get better. Even if it's obvious that it's impossible. Who survives a stage four brain cancer? Maybe someone who believes in miracles. But I ceased to believe when I discovered that Santa was my dad.

  I closed my eyes. Now I'm making another mistake. A mistake named Althea.

  When I broke up with Desiree I told myself to never love another woman again. As I have said, I would stop therapy and enjoy my remaining days here on earth. Alone. Now, I'm falling in love again. And I'm not blind enough to see that she's falling for me too.

  Lay modesty aside but, I can see and feel it. It made me feel bad that I had shouted at her at the car park earlier.

  She was just worried I know but, I really hate it when you want to keep something to yourself yet other people would try to unravel you.

  Chapter 8: Confession

  The next day our lunch table was surprisingly quiet. I know what's in their minds. Questions.

  We did our own thing quietly but they occasionally glance at me. Except Althea.

  She's mad at me. She didn't even sit beside me during Lit class.

  I sighed, "Look guys, if you want to ask something just ask it!"

  Mac quickly responded to this, "I'm sorry bro! I didn't know that would happen, I really freaked out."

  "Yeah, I also lost my cool there." Faun added.

  "What happened anyway?" Karen asked.

  I didn't answer at once, Althea did.

  "Don't expect him to answer that." She did not even look up from the book she was holding.

  "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday Althea."

  "He doesn't need us. Let him be. He thinks we're having pity on him."

  "I know what I said was rude, and I'm sorry if you think that I'm avoiding all of you."

  "I think?" She was looking at me with furious eyes. "I don't think you're avoiding us, coz you really are! You don't need us because you're mister too good too hang out with kids like us. So you're what? Five years older than us so what?!" She was standing now.

  "You're being unreasonable now Althea, stop being childish… "

  "Me childish?!" She walked away from our table.

  Karen and Shyne quickly went after her.

  I closed my eyes. What the hell is happening?

  "She left her stuff." Sam said.

  "I'll go bring it to her later." I answered, my eyes still closed.

  "But she's mad at you."

  "I'll handle that." I opened my eyes and started collecting my things and Althea's.

  "So you're really avoiding us?" I heard Mac said. It's more like a statement than a question.

  Oh just what I needed.

  "See you later." I said and quickly walked away.

  ***

  I sat all through out our Philosophy class without really hearing anything Mrs. Zachary was saying.

  What's up with these kids? They're too sensitive. It's not as if we were childhood friends. Why are they so attached with me? Or maybe I'm just the insensitive one.

  Then I thought of Althea. How could she proceed to her next class without her things?

  I e
xcused myself from Mrs. Zachary's class. Normally, she won't tolerate it when someone does that. But with her favorite student, that's a different story.

  I knocked at door to Mr. Brown's class, I told him that one of his students left her belongings but to my surprise, she's not in class. Where could she be?

  I leaned my back against the wall and tried to think. Where could she be staying if she's upset? Maybe somewhere quiet, peaceful, maybe…

  A place suddenly popped in my mind. I know where she is.

  I grabbed our stuff and headed outside.

  ***

  I saw her seated on the bench where we sat when we first met. The wind was gently blowing her long brown hair. She was lost in deep thought. I could have stayed where I stood and watch her all day. But that wasn't my plan.

  I sat beside her and put her belongings on her lap.

  "You forgot this."

  "Why bother?" She answered without emotion.

  "Coz you're my friend?"

  She laughed sardonically. "Yeah right."

  I looked into her eyes. It was red and a bit swollen. She was crying.

  "You know I don't really know why I should care about you." She said.

  "Althea I … " She touched her left index finger to my lips. I let her continue.

  "I wouldn't force myself if you don't want me in your life. Who wants a childish nosy body as a friend anyway?"

  "I do." I answered.

  She ignored me. "And I'm confused. Why does my heart beat so fast whenever I'm with you? Why do I have this urge to stay and take care of you whenever you look sick. Why does it hurt me to see you hurting?"

  She touched her chest. "It really hurts. Is this how it really feels like to fall in love?" Tears started to flow from her eyes. It cascaded down to her fair smooth skin.

  I wanted dry those tears with my hand. I just don't know if it was the right thing to do.

  "You don't deserve a man like me Althea."

  She looked at me. "Because you're too good for me?"

  "No, because you're too good for me." I replied.

  "What do you mean?" She asked. Her full attention was focused to me.

  "To be honest Althea… I like you… No… "

  I stammered for the right words.

  "I don't like you… "

  I looked straight into her hazel eyes.

  "I love you."

  She stared at me.

  I leaned closer to her. "I have long wanted to tell you that but I can't."

  "Why?" She asked.

  I answered her with a kiss.

  Her soft and smooth lips invited me as her tongue felt warm against mine. Her hands slowly reached up onto my neck until they were tangled up on my hair, pulling me closer. I never felt this good for a long time.

  It was wrong, I shouldn't give in. I gently released her. But my head felt light and everything seems perfect in my eyes. The sunset, the green trees, the gentle cool wind, and the angel in front of me.

  "That was my first time." She blushed.

  "Not bad." I lightly touched her left cheek with my hand.

  What the hell am I doing? This was all so wrong.

  Desiree's cries suddenly rang in my ears. I was transported back to the scene, like it just happened yesterday.

  We were standing on the beach. Her shoulder length blonde hair was fiercely blown by the unforgiving wind. But no matter how strong it was, it won't dry her tears.

  "I did not love you." I told her.

  She did not answer.

  "I know it's unfair to you but that's the truth. I used you too look good in front of my friends, to the society. They thought we're a great match. A son of a renowned business man and a daughter of a baron together. The perfect match."

  "You're lying." She whispered.

  "I am not."

  "Then why are you saying this to me now? Shouldn't you be playing your role up until the end?" she asked, there was a hint of acid in her voice.

  "Because I've met someone." a complete lie.

  "You're lying!" She managed to speak as her tears gushed out.

  I have never forgiven myself for doing that. And now I'm yet again hurting another woman who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

  It was so wrong.

  ***

  I parked the car in front of the store she specified.

  I looked into the neon sign and it read "Sweet nothings".

  "You work here?" I asked.

  "Yeah. I really like sweets." She smiled.

  I looked at my wrist watch. "It's six, when does your shift end?"

  "Nine. Why?"

  "Nothing."

  "Okay" she looked quite uneasy.

  "Want me to pick you up later?" I asked, though I myself felt quite uneasy too.

  "There's no need. I can go home by myself." she was absent mindedly playing with some strands of her hair.

  "But… " She did not let me finish speaking; she gave a quick peck on my cheek.

  That caught me of guard. She smiled.

  "Bye." she hopped out of my car.

  I waited for her to enter the shop before I drove off.

  ***

  I just finished my warm shower and I faced the mirror to examine myself. Physically I look quite well. My hair was back to what it looked like three hundred twenty four days ago, naturally messy yet manageable. Though it has lost its shine. My skin was paler. I honestly felt a little bit weak these past few weeks. That's a bad sign.

  I put on a clean shirt and boxers. I decided to do some homework.

  I suddenly glanced at my desk calendar. Days. I feel like I’m running out of time but I have plenty of things left to do. I'm not ready to go. I don't even know if I really believe in heaven and hell. Can't there be a third option? A limbo state or something? Or can't my soul just wander here on earth. I can watch for my living loved ones. Mom, dad, and Althea.

  Althea. What should I do now?

  ***

  I wasn't able to keep myself away from her. The more I tried, the more I want to be with her. We're official now. Our friends find it a little bit weird but they've accepted it.

  We enjoyed each other's company. It made me want to live again. Not for myself. But for her.

  Chapter 9: Live

  It was Saturday. No class. I opened the TV and put it on CNN. My phone rang.

  "How's my boyfriend?" Althea giggled from the end of the line.

  "You're scaring me you know." I smiled.

  "So, what's up?" I asked.

  "Dunno."

  "Can I come over?" I asked.

  "Sure."

  "See yah."

  "Bye." she hung up.

  I sighed. Shouldn't I be avoiding her? But here I am, playing the role of an in love guy. Guess love can make people stupid.

  But I liked the way she called me her boyfriend. It felt nice.

  ***

  The green grass felt good. I just lay there looking up at the perfect blue sky.

  Althea was lying beside me. Her warm hand touching mine.

  "I can stay like this forever, until the sky falls down underneath." I whispered.

  "Hey that's plagiarism!" She scolded me.

  "I didn't say I was the one who composed it. I just remembered that song. It perfectly describes the moment right now."

  "Yeah."

  She continued. "Everything is perfect."

  But that did not last long. My head started to hurt. I winced.

  "You know I never thought that someone would actually like me." she started. But I can't concentrate on what she was saying. Good thing she can't see my face. Oh God why now?

  "Then you came. My prince charming. Cliché huh?"

  "Uhuh." was all I managed to say. The pain was starting to get intense by the minute.