by Jo McNally
She blew out a long breath.
“My mental limitation is no different than if I had a physical limitation. I know it’s not easy to deal with, but if you can’t handle who I am, then we have a problem much larger than you having a disagreement with Bryce.” She felt a sad certainty that made her heart ache with a pain like none she’d felt before now. “This moment was always coming for us, wasn’t it? You need to be on the go. I don’t. I can’t.” She gestured to the ticket in his hand. “And that plane ticket tells me you don’t get that.”
His eyes narrowed. “If you had a physical limitation that could be eased with treatment, but refused it, then...” He paused, probably realizing he was digging himself a bigger hole. “You know what? Never mind. It’s not my place to convince you to seek assistance. To live instead of doing all these work-arounds.” He tossed the ticket onto a side table. “That piece of paper tells you I wanted you with me. It’s a direct flight. I got us in the emergency row, and I bought all three seats so it would just be us. I’d be with you the whole time.”
Just the thought of being on a plane, with no control and no escape, made her heart race. The thought of Matt walking away made it break. She put her hand on her chest and closed her eyes, trying to stop the panic attack building in her like a bomb with a very short fuse.
“Jillie?” She heard his voice, but it sounded as if he was talking through a tin can. Damn it. She didn’t want this to happen now. He already thought she was damaged goods with her phobia. Having a flat-out panic attack in front of him wasn’t going to make things better. She bit the inside of her cheek hard, trying to distract herself. When she opened her eyes, he was reaching for her. She took another step back, bumping into the window behind her. Sophie appeared at her side, leaning in for support.
“You should leave, Matt.” She got just enough air in to say a few words. She looked at the table next to her. “Take the ticket. I’m not going. You knew that when you bought them.”
“I was hoping...”
“You got those tickets as an ultimatum.” She pulled in a deep breath, doing her best not to show how difficult it was. “As a test.”
“No.”
“And I failed. Please...just go.” Her fingernails were digging deep into her palms, giving her something to focus on other than the ache in her chest. Matt started to argue, then nodded silently and went to the door. He was opening it when she spoke again. “I never said you had to stay here forever. You could have gone to Lake Louise and come back. Just because I can’t travel doesn’t mean you can’t.”
Maybe it was the extra distance between them. Maybe it was because she was standing up for herself. But her panic was receding. Unfortunately, it left only despair behind. “You’re looking for someone to be mad at.” He raised his head and glowered at her, but she knew she was right. “Just because I understand doesn’t mean I’m willing to be your scapegoat.”
“I thought you’d want to be with me.”
Tears built up again as she realized the two of them had been carrying very different visions of what life together would look like.
“And I thought you understood my mental health issues.”
A gust of wind rattled the door, making him grip the handle more tightly.
“I thought I did, babe. Look, maybe I got ahead of myself with the tickets. But you make it sound like it’s never going to happen. I don’t know how we go forward like that. I don’t want to always be saying goodbye to you.”
The only sound was Sophie’s soft whine as she rested her head on Jillie’s thigh and stared up at her with wide, dark eyes full of concern.
Jillie was surprised at the strength of her own voice. “You should go.”
He started to argue, then nodded sadly. “The break might give you and me a chance to think things through. Maybe loving each other doesn’t mean we actually make sense together. Maybe it’s not enough.” His steel-blue gaze burned her skin. “If that’s what we decide—that we’re no good for each other—then let’s agree right now that it won’t be anyone’s fault. No scapegoats. Just two people who loved a lot, but...wrong time, wrong place.” He opened the door wider. “Goodbye, Jillie.”
She stayed upright somehow, listening as he headed down the drive. Once she knew there was no chance he could see her, she sank to the floor and let out a loud, anguished cry. He’d left her. Rejected her. Didn’t want her. She buried her face in her hands, ignoring Sophie’s attempts to lick her tears away. She screamed in frustration, her cries echoing inside the cabin. Nothing was going to change while he was gone. Neither of them was willing or able to change who they were. This wasn’t some “break” they were taking.
This was goodbye.
* * *
The drive to the main road felt endless to Matt. It was as if there was a giant bungee cord tied to the bumper of his car, working to pull him back up to the A-frame and into Jillie’s arms. He sat at the bottom of the hill for a long time. Should he go back? Or was he doing the right thing by giving her space...giving them space? He thought of how pale her face had been. The little crack in her voice. The way her hand had fluttered up to cover her heart. She’d told him to leave. He had to honor that. But he didn’t have to leave her alone. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, sliding the car into Park.
“What’s up, Matt?” Amanda Randall sounded breathless, as if she’d been running.
“Hey...uh...are you busy right now?”
She laughed. “You mean other than chasing a six-year-old up three flights of stairs because she thinks she’s wearing shorts to her dance class tonight when it’s ten degress outside? No, not busy at all. What do you need?”
“Could you check in on Jillie?”
There was a quick beat of silence before Amanda replied, suddenly all business.
“Why? Where is she? Why can’t you check on her?”
“She’s home. I just left. We...we had a conversation that didn’t go well.”
“You mean a fight?”
He shook his head. “Not really. Just a disagreement on some fundamental things.”
“That sounds like corporate-speak for fight.” She spoke to someone else, her words muffled, before returning to the call. “I’ll be at her place in ten minutes. How is she?”
“She was calm when I left, but I think that was just on the surface.”
“Then why didn’t you stay?”
He heard the judgment in her voice and accepted it. It was sinking in now that he may have walked away from everything he’d ever wanted in his life. He’d walked away from Jillie. From a chance at love.
“She told me to leave, Amanda. So I left. I don’t want her to be alone.”
“Because you love her.”
The words hit him like a bullet...straight to the heart.
“She told you that?”
“Please...she didn’t have to. We can all see it.”
He rubbed his brow with his fingers, feeling a headache coming on that might never go away. He could hear a car door opening on the other end of the call, and an echo as it switched to the speaker in Amanda’s car. He sighed, putting his own car in Drive and pulling out onto the main road.
“I do love her. But that may not be enough to overcome our differences...”
Amanda’s sharp laugh surprised him.
“Oh, you sweet, sweet summer child. Of course love is enough, if you let it be.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
“You’re a smart guy. You’ll figure it out. Unless you’re willing to let her go, in which case you’re not so smart after all.”
“We’re taking a break to think things through. I’m flying up to Lake Louise to join Bryce and Shane at a ski event there.” The thought of sitting next to those two empty seats on the plane made him feel hollow inside.
“You’re leaving Gallant Lake? Right after a f
ight?”
He groaned. “I told you it wasn’t a fight. We didn’t yell. There wasn’t any name-calling. It was just an...emotional discussion.”
“And you’re leaving town right afterward.”
His fingers gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white.
“What is this place—Hotel California? Now that I’m here I can never leave? I have a responsibility to my brother, and his life takes him around the globe. It’s been my life for over ten years now, and I don’t see that changing.” Jillie kept trying to tell him it had already changed, but he couldn’t forget standing at his parents’ graves, vowing to take care of Bryce. That vow didn’t have an expiration date.
“If you and Jillie are truly in love with each other, your life has already changed, sweetie.” She paused. “Did you say Shane Brannigan was going to be in Canada with Bryce?”
“He’s Bryce’s new manager, so he’d better be.” He rolled his eyes at himself. “Sorry, I know he’s your cousin’s husband. I’m still adjusting to the whole thing.”
“It’s fine. Shane’s good people, but it’s natural for you to be cautious.” He was pretty sure she was laughing again. “Why don’t you ask him about how he and Mel got together, and what happened when he left Gallant Lake.”
“Left? Didn’t they just build that new house? And Mel owns a business here.” Matt turned down the small road to his rental.
“Well, sure...now. There was a time when Shane couldn’t wait to shake this place off his shoes and hit the big time. Just ask him about it.” She paused. “I’m turning into Jillie’s now. Don’t worry about her, okay? She’s stronger than she seems.”
“Let me know she’s all right.”
“I will. And, Matt?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ll never forgive yourself if you let her go.”
* * *
The small house was too quiet with Bryce gone. Matt paced the floors. It was over an hour before Amanda texted that Jillie was okay. He asked for more details, but all she’d say was Jillie would be fine. That’s what he was afraid of—that she’d be fine without him. And that he wouldn’t be fine at all.
He eventually plunked himself down on the sofa and turned on an old Jason Bourne movie. He and Bryce used to watch these in hotel rooms all the time, joking that there was always a Bourne movie playing somewhere in the world. The familiarity helped him unwind enough to doze off before the movie was over.
He woke up a little after dawn, one leg hanging off the sofa, his head on the arm, the pillow on the floor. His neck ached from the awkward position, but he was able to stretch it out. He needed to get on the road if he was going to be at the airport on time. A shower helped, and he tossed some clothes and his kit into a duffel bag. He checked with Gary at the ski lodge and it seemed like everything would be under control for a few days without him. He checked the time, and called Jillie. Just to make sure she was okay. Just to hear her voice. He was surprised when Amanda Randall answered, speaking softly.
“Matt? Didn’t you say you were leaving this morning?”
“Amanda? Where’s Jillie? What happened?”
Amanda chuckled, speaking a little louder now. “Jillie’s still sleeping. I stayed overnight, just to keep her company.”
Jillie never slept this late. Even if she wanted to, Sophie would have woken her. Amanda could let the dog out, but why would she have stayed all night?
“What happened?”
“Hang on...” He heard a door open and close. “Okay, I’m outside. What happened is some idiot suggested she walk through a crowded New York City airport to catch a flight.” His eyes closed tightly. That really had been a stupid idea. Amanda didn’t wait for his reaction. “Jillie’s going to be fine. Broken hearts mend eventually.”
“I’m coming over.” He grabbed his keys off the counter and his jacket from the wall hook. “I need to see her with my own eyes.”
“No, Matt. There’s no sense starting everything up again until you two have figured out where your heads are at.”
He’d bungled things so badly. He jammed his fingers through his hair, clenching it tight in frustration. He didn’t want to leave Gallant Lake. But he wasn’t sure this was where he was supposed to be.
“I could stay.” He should stay.
“Isn’t Bryce expecting you?”
He silently swore to himself.
“How am I supposed to balance it all? Bryce. Jillie. I’ll always be saying goodbye to one or the other.”
There was a long beat of silence before Amanda answered.
“You’ll also always be saying hello to one or the other.”
Chapter Thirteen
The poison was worming its way toward her heart now. She could feel it burning through her veins. She welcomed it. She looked across the mountaintop to Robbie’s body. So very still. Had they won? Her eyes fell closed. Did winning matter if they’d paid so high a price?
“Girl, you are one depressing pile of self-pity right now.”
Mackenzie Adams looked across the table at Jillie, who had no argument to offer in return. Her other friends nodded in unison as they sat in the solarium at Halcyon. The snow was glistening outside the semicircular, glass-enclosed room. It was pretty, but it wasn’t helping her mood any. Snow made her think of the mountain. The mountain made her think of Matt. And Matt had been gone for a week.
Nora refilled everyone’s wineglasses, except for Mel Brannigan, who was drinking seltzer. As Noraset down the wine bottle, she looked over at Jillie.
“What can we do to help, sweetie?”
Jillie tried and failed to smile. “Anyone have a magic wand to fix my brain?”
Silence fell. Not even the clink of glass or silverware. It was Amanda who spoke first.
“There is nothing wrong with your brain.”
“Hear, hear.” Mel raised her glass. “You are a strong, independent woman. A successful woman. A smart woman.”
Mack’s eyebrow arched high. “That’s all true, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re also a depressing pile of self-pity.”
Jillie finally laughed a little at that. Her laughter seemed to ease the tension in the room. This gathering had been Nora’s idea. A ladies’ lunch to get Jillie away from the mountain. She hadn’t wanted to come, of course, but Nora had suggested it to her five minutes after her agent had ordered her to step away from the book and “get the hell out of that house.” Nia had clearly ratted her out to Lisa after she’d told her assistant that she felt like a well that had run dry. Getting words on the page felt like slogging through quicksand this past week. She looked around the table, where her Gallant Lake friends were watching her hopefully. Would her laughter continue? Was she better? Was she fixed?
“I’m not trying to be a depressing pile of self-pity. And I’m not even sure it’s self-pity, not necessarily. It’s...” She stared up at the ceiling, searching for words. “I’m...lonely.”
Mack gestured around the table. “How can you be lonely sitting with this group of fabulous women?”
Amanda reached out and placed her hand over Jillie’s. “She’s lonely for one particular person, and he’s not here right now.”
Nora frowned. “You haven’t heard from him at all?”
Jillie shrugged. “A couple texts. A couple voicemails.” She shouldn’t have shared that last bit. Nora pounced right away.
“Why voicemails? Why didn’t you answer his calls?”
“There’s nothing to say to him, is there? He left.”
Amanda’s eyes narrowed. “He said you told him to leave.”
“Sure, I told him to leave the house. That day. That conversation.” She blinked. “I didn’t want him to leave-leave. I don’t think...” She rushed on. “I mean, if he can’t accept that I’m not going globe-trotting with him, what’s the point? I don’t need to he
ar about Lake Louise and all his adventures, knowing that he wants me to be with him there. It’ll just make me feel even worse. It’ll make him feel worse.” She was aware that her voice was rising, but she couldn’t seem to stop. “He’s not going to want to sit around here with me when there’s a whole...a whole world out there that he loves being part of! He and I make no sense. None at all. He told me I hide behind my fears. Can you imagine? I hide! Like I’d choose this.”
Mack sat back, muttering something. Mel elbowed her hard, but everyone suddenly looked uncomfortable. Jillie scowled at them.
“If you have something to say, just say it.”
Amanda pursed her lips tightly, staring at the table. Jillie finally got it.
“Oh, my God. You all think he’s right.”
Amanda shook her head firmly, blond waves brushing back and forth over her shoulders. “No, no, no. Not...not really. But, Jillie, from one therapy patient to another, there are things we can do to make things better. When’s the last time you talked to anyone?”
“Someone professional, you mean?” Jillie frowned. How long had it been?
Amanda pushed her wineglass away. “I have definitely had too much wine. That question was wildly inappropriate and none of my business. Forget I said anything.”
Nora quickly moved the conversation away from Jillie’s therapy status and on to the fascinating topic of how excited she was to find ethically harvested coffee beans from Costa Rica to brew in the shop. Mel, Mack and Amanda acted very excited at the news. Jillie knew it was all an act for her benefit, but she was okay with that. It allowed her to sit quietly with her own thoughts while they talked. Her thoughts were far less comforting than she would have liked.
Matt had called. Twice. He’d left the first voicemail the day after he left, and it had been stilted and uncertain. She’d stared at his number on the screen when it rang, but didn’t answer. What if he said goodbye for good?
Uh...yeah...just wanted you to know I made it here... It’s colder than hell... Shane got Bryce into the announcer’s booth for an interview, which I would never have pulled off... Uh... I miss you, babe. I’m sorry... God, I’m so sorry. I was an idiot. Call me back, Jillie. Please.
