We have spent countless hours together in and out of the bedroom. Getting to know her has made me value her as a person, not just a body to enjoy. Knowing her as I now do, I still don’t fully understand why she hasn’t wanted a real relationship. She needs security, something I was hoping to give her. Up until Tiffany showed up I was hoping Sophia would see that I’m her safe place.
The problem now is, as much as I want to go to Sophia, I can’t help a tugging at my conscience to hear what Tiffany came here to say. As stuck up as Tiffany can be, she would never have intruded tonight if it wasn’t important. Southern manners dictate that she would not show up unannounced without a damn good reason. The jackass inside me sent her away without a second thought or glance. Tiffany is selfish, but she has never been this inconsiderate before. Rude in a snobbish way, yes, but to make a scene, that’s not her style.
First, I’ll find Sophia. She needs to know she’s my priority. Tomorrow, I will deal with Tiffany. Yes, tomorrow I will deal with my ex-lover.
Tiffany
Knowing I’m not welcome makes this entire situation even more difficult. Decisions have to be made. I can’t put this off as much as I would like to. Tomorrow I need to share the news with Harrison and his family so I can return to South Carolina and finalize the arrangements.
Matt always told me I kept too many people at arms-length, not letting anyone get close enough to see the real me. The Lawson’s don’t know the real me. If I had done so many things differently back then, everything now wouldn’t be so messed up.
Sending a quick text to Harrison seems like the best idea at the moment.
I know u don’t want to c me but I have 2 tell u something. Pls meet me tmrw morning w/ur parents. Once done I will return 2 SC. It’s important H, 4 u and ur parents.
What feels like an eternity later, but is mere minutes, I get a reply.
Fine. Helen’s Pancakes 0900. After breakfast w/my parents I want u gone.
Well, he’s at least willing to let me tell him face to face. I’m all alone. This situation is a reminder of all I’ve lost. I don’t have a friend I can call and talk out my loss with. I have the empty air of my hotel room. Matt told me I would end up this way. How can I let someone see the real me when I don’t even know the me looking back from a mirror?
Chapter Five
Closure
Harrison
Sophia opens her hotel room door for me to enter. Stepping back she’s making sure to keep distance between us. Avoiding eye contact and crossing her arms over her chest as she turns her back to walk away from me, all to let me know I’m in the dog house. Her body language isn’t one of hurt, it’s one of guarded anger. Yes, her sharp greeting let me know things are far from okay between us.
“Sophia, baby, why did you take off after the wedding?”
Without pause, she responds. “Tiffany is here. Harrison, you came here running from her. There is too much unfinished business between the two of you. I felt the change in atmosphere upon her approach. I don’t play second best.” She sits in her chair, the twinkle usually evident in her eyes now gone.
“What you felt in the air is anger and resentment. I didn’t come to Charlotte to run away from Tiffany. You fucking know why I came here. My sister needed me! Tiffany made it clear where I stood with her. Why would I stay there? You know you’re not second best, why the hell would you say that shit?”
“So you say, Harrison. However, to be over with no ties left, Tiffany sure as shit is here now. She will never let you go.” The bitch inside her, now coming out fierce like an animal that’s been caged.
“My future is not with Tiffany, that’s done. Damn it, I want a fucking future with you and you know it.” I say, raising my voice a little more than necessary.
“Future, hmmmph……Let’s cut the shit, Lawson. You had a very long term relationship with Tiffany. Things were left unsettled. For months, after you moved here, she called you, and you refused to answer. She wounded your pride and shredded your fragile ego. Instead of being a man, you shut her out. In no way have either of you had any closure. I have no closure from my past. I know what a burden that is to carry. You have no closure from the first woman you ever loved. With all this baggage, we have no future. We never stood a chance.”
“How can you say that shit?”
“Get real Harrison, you’re a good fuck. A damn good fuck. My heart has never and will never be available to you. It’s no wonder Tiffany didn’t want to introduce you to her family. Either you don’t listen or you’re a dumbass. From the start I told you, it’s all sex. Take me, control me, enjoy my body, and we share a mutual release. My heart, my mind, my soul…none of those were on the table.”
Who is the woman in front of me? Her words are a serrated knife over my rapidly beating heart, more than just cutting; they’re ripping into my soul. Did she really agree with Tiffany that I’m an embarrassment? I admit we agreed to a physical relationship in the beginning. Sophia told me not to get attached, and clearly I didn’t listen.
“What the fuck, Soph? What is this bullshit you’re spouting off?”
“You need to fucking leave. This is all messed up. Fuck buddies, Harrison. Fucking only. No romance, no attachments, no fucking future. Go get some closure with Tiffany or give her another chance. I don’t give a shit what you do, but face that mess you have with her.”
Pissed off beyond measure, I leave slamming her door behind me. Leaving Sophia is a loss I feel more than ever before. I never expected this from her.
Going back to my parent’s house, I’m hoping to escape into a deep sleep quickly. Too bad, that doesn’t happen. It’s now after three am and with breakfast just a few short hours away, my mind drifts to Tiffany. What the hell is she here now for? Matt’s deployed leaving me unable to contact him easily for quick answers.
Sophia is right. I do need closure with Tiffany. The day she basically called me an embarrassment, I shut down and shut her out. Refusing all of her calls, visits, emails, and bailing completely on all attempts at communication with her. I tied up my life in South Carolina in a matter of days and relocated to Charlotte, never looking back.
Sophia is wrong about us, about our future. I know she cares. Her reaction tonight is out of insecurities. She didn’t mean all the things she said. She can’t. She wants to push me away. At least, this is what I’m allowing myself to believe.
Chapter Six
A Hole That Can Never Be Filled
Tiffany
Sleep evades me. Between nerves about seeing the Lawson’s and dreams of Matt, I maybe slept an hour. Morning arrives all too quickly. Knowing I will be an emotional mess for this conversation, I skip the makeup and hair. I have no one to impress, jeans and a t-shirt will do.
Sitting alone in a restaurant feeds my insecurities of being alone. Sipping my coffee, I am waiting for the Lawson’s to arrive. The air seems to shift, alerting me to Harrison’s presence.
“Hello, Tiffany.” He greets me sharply.
“Harrison.” It’s all I can manage to say. I can’t say I’m happy to see him that would be a lie. As much as I wish I could turn back time with Harrison, I can’t. As much as I wish I was here for a happy occasion, I can’t. Nothing about my life is happy anymore. I quickly put my cup down so Harrison won’t notice my trembling hands. I’m barely holding it together.
Harold and Marguerite Lawson enter behind him. I stand to greet them, southern manners taking over my need to keep space between me and Harrison. I can’t help but snicker as I hear Harrison mutter.
“Damn, Tiff, you look like shit. If you’re here to get me back, this isn’t a good start.”
“Life is short Harrison. I’m not here for you or to look good for anyone.” I whisper in response. Such an ego he’s always had. This isn’t about him, this is about Matt.
After the casual pleasantries of hellos, and short simple hugs all around, we finally sit down. Taking a deep breath to brace myself, I begin.
“Mr. and Mrs. Lawson, Harr
ison, thank you for coming. I know my arrival is surprising and an intrusion. I apologize for last night. I didn’t realize what the event was. I was told I could find Harrison there and went without a second thought.” I inhale. “I won’t keep you long.” I exhale and continue. “Over the years you have been kind, loving, and accepting of Matt.”
Pausing again, to gather my composure. I have to garner the courage to utter the words I haven’t yet been able to say. The words that I don’t want to accept as my new reality. Blowing out a breath, I focus on what I need to get out.
“Since Matt joined the Marines, other than me, y’all have been his only family. I feel you need to know what has happened. This isn’t something I wanted to share by email. I wasn’t sure you would have accepted my phone calls.” Before I can get the words out, I begin sobbing.
Quickly, Harrison stands and pulls me up and into his arms.
“What? Tiff, what is wrong with Matt?” He calmly asks.
I have yet to come to terms with the loss, so it’s not something I’m prepared to speak about. Choking, I get the words out as Harrison’s arms come around me.
“He’s gone, Harrison. He was killed when his convoy was ambushed.” I whisper through my sobs.
At those words, Harrison pulls me tight against him. He’s gently rubbing my back in a consoling manner. I hear someone crying next to me, but I can’t deal with anyone or anything right now. If Harrison wasn’t holding me, I’m sure I wouldn’t be capable of standing.
Harrison whispers my name. I begin to pull away thinking he wants space. Instead, he places his hand in my hair pushing my head back against his chest. He’s now holding me so close and tight that I can barely breathe. I inhale his scent. In this moment, uncomfortable and emotional as it is, I feel a slight comfort from my grief. I feel secure for the first time ever, with somebody other than Matt.
The last conversation I had with Matt plays rapidly and loudly in my head.
“Tiff, stop being such a bitch. Find someone and let them love you. Things with Harrison could’ve worked if you would’ve let him love you through it. You have a heart of gold, but never let anyone see it. You’re going to end up alone if you can’t let someone in. Let someone love you, Tiffany.”
My heart constricts thinking back on that moment. I snuggle into Harrison. Reality sinks in, without Matt I really am alone because I didn’t let anyone in.
Harrison
A train barrels over my heart and mind. The weight of Tiffany’s grief compounds with my shock and it almost brings me to my knees. Pure male instinct takes over. The need to be strong for Tiffany is all that is keeping me upright. Knowing how close they were, feeling the loss cut her so deep, I tune everything out around us. I can’t even think of my parents or my own loss becoming consumed in what she’s feeling. I hold her close unsure if this is even providing an ounce of comfort.
“Shh. Tiff, I’m sorry, so sorry.” I say, continuing to hold her close, gently rubbing her back. She gathers her composure and pulls away from me. I immediately feel the loss at our disconnection. We both sit down. I grab her hand, needing to feel her touch, to know she’s okay.
My mom is laying her head on my dad’s shoulder, crying silently. I realize the enormity of this loss to Tiffany and my family. However, it’s not sinking in the loss that I, too, am facing.
Matt and I shared a long, close friendship. During my time in the Marines, we spent all of our free time running around together. Tiffany would visit when we were stationed in Camp Lejeune. Matt was like a brother to her.
The attraction she and I both felt for each other was undeniable, but we didn’t start a relationship right away. For the first two years, we just hung out together with Matt; shamelessly flirting. Throughout the years we were actually together, Tiffany broke up with me multiple times. Matt always told me to be patient with her. Even when I moved, he would try to make me understand. I was stubborn and hurt so I didn’t want to hear it. Thinking back to that last conversation we had about Tiffany, my chest aches.
“She’s always going to love you, Lawson. Tiffany doesn’t know how to handle being accepted. She’s never known unconditional love like you. I get that she hurt you. She was caught off guard. You don’t know her family, man. You won’t give her a chance to explain or let you in now. I know you’re in Charlotte and things are settling down. I want good things for you, bro. I worry about Tiffany. I just wish you would hear her out. It would give both of you some perspective and or some closure.”
Closure; that word again. I know with Matt gone, there will be a hole for both of us. A void that will never be filled.
Chapter Seven
Rest In Paradise My Brother
Tiffany
The arrangements are made, the time now drawing near. I’m not ready to lay to rest the one person who really knows me. The situation with his family, being as it was, Matt listed me as next of kin. Decisions I’ve never imagined having to make are now solidified.
My intention in at the coast was to respectfully inform Harrison of Matt’s passing that was all. Within hours of our breakfast meeting, he was in the driver seat of my BMW returning home with me. He doesn’t want me facing this alone. Truth be told, I don’t know if I can do this without him.
“Sophia, I fucking told you, it’s not like that. Damn it! Does the last year alone, much less two years I’ve known you, not show you anything about me. When I get back, we are going to sort all this shit out. Don’t push me away right now. Matt wouldn’t want her alone. I’m here doing this for him, it’s what he would want.” Harrison firmly states into his phone. Pausing as he’s listening to the other end.
Damn it, I’m messing things up for him. I hurt him enough in the past. I don’t want to cause him any additional pain. I’m thankful to have him here, but not at the cost of his relationship. He’s only here out of loyalty for Matt. I can’t get lost thinking any of this is about me, it’s all for Matt.
“I call bullshit, Soph. If you didn’t give a damn, you wouldn’t even be talking to me. We have more than just sex. What we have is real and when I get home, we’re going to face it all, together.”
Listening to him talking to her makes my heart ache. I remember when he told me what we had was so much more than sex. Oh to turn back the hands of time. To have Harrison back in my arms, my heart, and my bed, but that time has passed and it’s obvious, he’s moved on.
“Look, Sophia, I gotta go. The funeral is in a few hours. I just wanted to hear your voice, okay. I didn’t call to argue.”
I look up to see him now smiling at whatever was said on the other end of the phone. Harrison, in general, is appealing. Harrison with his usual hard scowl is tempting. Harrison with a genuine smile is a panty dropping, star of my every fantasy, and a huge turn on.
I’ve always known Harrison as tall, hard bodied, built like a tank, muscle cut man. When he got out of the military he let his hair grow out some, and added to his previous two tattoos. Looking at him now, I can see that he’s added even more ink from before. Damn, it’s getting hot in here.
Whoa Tiffany, get yourself together. I quickly remind myself Harrison is here for Matt. He even said so. He’s here because it’s what Matt would want. My Matt, always looking out for me and now he’s gone. For a brief moment, my love and lust for Harrison overshadowed my grief.
It’s time to prepare for this afternoon. Matt’s mom is coming. She called once I returned from North Carolina. The conversation broke my heart. Listening as she reminisced of how much life Matt was able to live even though he passed so young. How much he was able to see and do by joining the Marines. We shared details of how full of life he was. For her, this is even harder. She lost her son and learned a harsh lesson at the same time: Tomorrow isn’t promised, and she wasted her today. How many todays have I wasted?
Harrison
Leaving the morning after Maggie’s wedding, suddenly, to be supportive of Tiffany, was not conducive to my hopes of a real relationship with Sophia. After o
ur phone conversation, I’m not sure once I get home we can work through everything. I will get through today with Tiffany, stay an extra few days to make sure she is settled, then it’s back to the life I’ve built for myself now.
Dressing for this afternoon is full of memories. The first time I wore my dress blues was in basic training. Matt was with me. That first check in to the School of Infantry, Matt was with me; every step of my military career, Matt was with me. The deployment, which shattered my knee, was an extremely difficult time for me, but Matt was there. Matt took leave to help me, once I was back state side. Yes, he was my brother in arms, but more than that he was my best friend.
Matt told me his history with Tiffany. They were raised much like siblings. Her mom, unable to live with the asshole she has for a dad, took off when they were little. Matt’s mom tried to be there for Tiffany, but it wasn’t the same. Matt said his dad isn’t as bad as Tiffany’s. The expectation that Matt would be taking over the firm was engrained from day one by both father’s. Matt went to college for a year, earnestly trying to fit the mold. College life showed him how much he didn’t want in the family business.
I enjoyed college a little too much. When I couldn’t settle on a major, or have a serious discussion concerning my future, my dad sat me down for a talk. He said, “Harrison, these are your options: join the military, let them make a man out of you, or get a job because I’m not paying for you to party one more day.” I had no direction, no discipline; the Marine Corps did well for my dad, so, at twenty-one, I joined, meeting a nineteen year old Matt. We graduated from basic, the day he first introduced me to an eighteen year old Tiffany.
Love and Repair Series Box Set Page 30
