Heart in a Box

by Ally Sky

  Reality forces me to get up. I open my eyes, clutching Colin's arms on the couch. A few minutes after he fell asleep I got up off the floor, lay down next to him, and covered us with a blanket I saw lying on the edge of the sofa. I'm warm and pleasant, and after all these years without him, I'm willing to allow myself a few minutes of stupidity.

  "Hey." His face still looks terrible.

  "Hey," I answer in the voice of a seventeen-year-old girl hovering on a cloud.

  "You smiled in your sleep. I guess you dreamed of me." He smiles a tiny smile.

  "I didn't dream of you."

  "So you call someone else Colin?" He raises an eyebrow, "Was he as good as me?"

  "You're a fool." I refuse to disengage from his embrace.

  "You have to move."

  "Five minutes." I curl up into his chest. Absolutely stupid, there is no doubt about it.

  "Kiss me." His request makes my head rise to him.

  "You'll want more than a kiss." A shudder passes through me when I think of the moment when he'll want more. More than I can give him.

  "Not today," he answers in a sure voice.

  "Don't put your hands in my shirt, okay?" We're so close, and I know that if we kiss, his hands will wonder out of habit, and they may get to the wrong places.

  I can kiss him, I want to kiss him, but I don't want his hands wandering.

  "Because of the scar?" He doesn't move an inch, watching every movement in my face.

  "I don't like what's hidden under my clothes," I exhale. "I hate the scar, hate my body. You knew me differently."

  "You're the woman I love." He seems to enjoy saying it after all the years he couldn't. "Nothing's going to change that."

  "And the scar?"

  "That you got when you gave birth to my daughter, the most precious thing in my life?"

  His answer is meant to calm me, warm my heart, but the fears, they refuse to release, refuse to let me embrace the moment.

  "I'm afraid you'll disappear," I let them straighten their heads and roll off my tongue. "Get what you want, reach your goal and loose interest in me."

  "I asked you to marry me, and you refused."

  "You didn't mean it. You panicked when you heard that I couldn't have children. You might want to protect me and shelter me, but there's no chance you want to get married."

  "Lift up your shirt," he asks in a quiet but steady voice. All I do is shake my head. Colin doesn't seem impressed by my refusal, but he keeps his hands to himself and asks again. "Lift up your shirt."

  I move the blanket with trembling hands. Colin moves back to the end of the sofa and gives me room to expose myself to him. His eyes slide to my stomach, and when I lift my shirt up a few inches his voice becomes soft.

  "Pull your pants under the scar line."

  I grab the tip of my pants with my fingers and roll them down until the incision is visible. I hold my breath and let him look at what I wanted most of all to hide from him.

  "Is that the whole story, love?" he whispers, as if expecting some monstrous discovery that has not materialized. "That's what scares you, that should deter me?"

  "My body changed." my voice cracks. "You pumped up, and I . . ."

  "You've become a woman," he interrupts me, before I have an opportunity to describe exactly what I think of myself. "Do you know how attractive you are?" He looks up from the scar until our eyes cross and lock.

  "You're just happy that my boobs have grown." I let go of my pants and put my shirt back in place.

  "They sure did." He seems very pleased with the matter. Not that I thought otherwise.

  "Horny." I roll my eyes.

  "Elizabeth," his voice rattles in a second, "you have to pick up our daughter. Do you really want to open my hormone levels for discussion now?"

  I didn't think about that, and I should have. This day is making me a complete idiot. First I took him home instead of taking him to the hospital, and then I sat on the carpet, stroked him and told him I loved him, and now we're talking about my boobs. Where did I think it would lead?

  "I haven't been with anyone since you left, Colin." I look down, my cheeks beginning to burn. "I'm not ready."

  "So we make out like teenagers," he chuckles. "It'll be fun."

  "Really." I don't believe him for a moment, he's not going to want to make out with me until I'm ready.

  "Lizzie," he picks up the doubt in my eyes. He reaches for my cheek and strokes it. "You need time, I understand that. You have to trust me again, and I have to prove myself."

  "Are you sure?"

  "I'm sure." He nods and smiles again. "And anyway, we are not going to do anything for as long as I look and feel like this."

  "Afraid you'll disappoint me?" I tease him joyfully after all the times he teased me.

  "My lip is bruised, baby," he replies with a grin. "I might be able to ignore that when I kiss you, but we both know where I want to put my mouth."

  "Horny." I'd rather not think about his mouth right now. I know what his mouth can do, and what his fingers can do, and the burning between my legs makes it clear to me that every cell in my body knows it too.

  "Go and pick up Viv." He leans over me and kisses my forehead. "I'll call her tonight."

  "What about the kiss you asked for?"

  "You have to want to give it to me."

  He changes the rules of the game, transfers the power to me, making me the one to act, to initiate. He knows what he's doing—he doesn't want to give me excuses. If I'm the one who kisses him, I'll have no one to blame but myself. And when his face is so close, I really don't care. Damn the consequences. My stomach flutters and my heart pounds like a racing horse on the finish line. Damn it all.

  I kiss him, taste him, stroke his tongue with my tongue. Without hesitation I put my hands in his shirt, my fingers burning against his smooth, muscular skin. He leaves his hands above my shoulders, holding my face, stroking my cheeks and pressing his tongue back and forth into my mouth. Dazed by the kiss, dizzy with the heat that envelops us, we refuse to take air. Refuse to remove our lips, which speak the language we both know so well. A language forgotten and resurrected. A language that can't be silenced anymore, because it screams the word we both understand: love.

  Chapter 27

  Damn my fried brain!

  I try to concentrate on the story Vivian is telling me from the backseat, with my thoughts running like honey bees in a hive. I kissed her dad. I put my hands in his shirt, and God, I'll never forget that feeling. If I thought he looked good with clothes on, now I'm pretty sure I'll faint when he takes them off.

  Who knew touching his muscles would feel . . . like that. Who knew his smooth skin would be so pleasant to the point that all I can think of is the next time I do it again?

  I need to concentrate!

  "Mama, where's Dad?" Vivian throws me into reality with one question that makes my heart skip a beat.

  Your dad is in his enormous new house, and he spent the morning fighting and the afternoon with his mouth stuck to mine.

  That's probably not the answer I should give her.

  "He left town." I put on a fake smile, the sole purpose of which is to hide from Viv how much I hate lying to her. "He'll call tonight."

  "Daryl doesn't believe he's back," she informs me, and my blood starts to boil. That child is very fortunate to be five and a half years old.

  "Daryl is not your friend if he thinks you're lying." The smile is erased from my face at once.

  "When will Dad come back?" she continues to investigate.

  "In a few days." I can't be sure how many days it will take Colin's face to recover, and I really don't want to think about all the times I've seen him bruised.

  It never looked that bad, but his father knew how to throw a punch and leave a shiner or a blown up nose, which everybody linked to my friend's favorite sport and not to the cruel man who really caused them.

  "Are you sure?" Viv's worried voice is forcing me to push aside the bitter memories.


  "Yes, sweetheart, I'm sure." I calm her with another smile in the mirror.

  "Where are we going?" She puts her nose to the window and looks out.

  "Granny’s, she misses us." She'll also cook dinner because your mom didn't shop.

  "I miss Dad."

  "I know he misses you too."

  "Can I call him?" her voice fills with hope.

  "Yes. Now?" I got to spend the morning with him, she can certainly have a phone call.

  "Yes, please." She smiles a huge smile that reveals her teeth. I dial from the speakerphone and take a deep breath in preparation for the voice of the man who turns my insides into lava.

  One ring. Two.

  "Couldn't stand the wait?" Colin is not using his head, which seems to have been hit more seriously than I thought.

  "Hello, Colin," I interrupt, "you're on speakerphone, your daughter wanted to call you."

  I swear I hear an 'oops' from the other side, as Viv intervenes in the conversation.

  "Dad!" she shrieks in an unusually high voice.

  "Vivian, how are you?"

  "Daryl thinks I'm lying," she informs him immediately. "He said you don’t exist."

  "I guess we'll have to prove him wrong." I hear the determination in his voice climbing quickly.

  "Mom said you went away for a few days." She jumps from one topic to another lightly, much to Daryl's luck.

  "I'll be back this weekend. Maybe we'll do something together?" He doesn't check with me before throwing that out there.

  "I want to ride the pony again," Viv squeals enthusiastically.

  "I thought we'd do something new, maybe go to the beach, if Mom agrees."

  Mom does not agree! Why is he suggesting that we go to the beach?

  "It'll be awesome!" She refuses to stop screaming, and if she continues at this rate, I may go deaf.

  "Do you think?" Colin partners with her enthusiasm.

  "Best thing in the world! Mama, please say yes, please, please." She gives me all the weight of her sweetness, begging in a tiny voice.

  "I'll have to think about it." I pour an imaginary bucket of water over her and her father's enthusiasm. He is about to get a serious lecture from me.

  "Elizabeth," he keeps his cool, "you have nothing to fear, it's just a ride to the beach, everybody does it."

  "I know." Sure, it's just a trip to the beach. Four hours drive, staying in the sun, and we haven't mentioned the sea yet. Do you know how many things might go wrong on the way, Mr. 'I just became a father, and I'm cool and carefree'?

  "Excellent. So I'll pick you up on Saturday, we'll go together, and we'll have fun," he goes on.

  "Can we talk about it later?" My voice is sharp, "in private?"

  "Sure." He doesn't sound worried about my anxiety.

  "Please don't say no, Mama."

  "I'm not saying no," I try to untangle the mess Colin has created, "I just want to talk to your dad about the details, okay?" I signal and turn right onto my mom's street.

  "Okay."

  "We have to go," I blurt out as we approach my mom's house, my father's car parked in front of me.

  "Bye, Viv," Colin says his good-bye.

  "Bye, Dad," she answers back.

  I hang up just as my father gets out of his car and starts walking toward the house.

  "Grandpa’s here," Viv jumps in her seat.

  "Granny's waiting inside." I drive past him and into the driveway, as close as I can to the front door.

  "Grandpa!" she calls through the closed window, waving at him. What am I supposed to do now? Tell her they shouldn't talk?

  "Grandpa is in a hurry, say hello to him quickly and come inside, okay?" I choose the only option I see. I can't explain to her what he did.

  As soon as I turn off the engine, she unfastens her seat belt, opens the door, and leaps out.

  "Grandpa!”

  I see him reaching down, lifting her in his arms and hugging her, kissing her head again and again. I get out of the car, lock it and wait another second, until he puts Viv back on the grass.

  "Vivian, Granny's waiting for you," I call to her.

  "Elizabeth—" my father starts to say something, but I interrupt his sentence with a threatening look.

  "Viv, Grandpa has to go, run inside."

  She puts her arms around my father one last time and runs toward the door. I turn my back on him, but he runs and grabs my arm. I shake him off with a rough movement.

  "Stay away from me," I strain with clenched teeth.

  "Don't turn your back on me." He walk past me and blocks my way. I stare at his wrinkled face and my heart breaks.

  God, he's grown old.

  His eyes sunken, his hair more gray, he looks as if he hasn't eaten or slept for days. My head and my heart are fighting hard, between wanting to ask him how he is and the urge to push him away.

  "You need to go." My head wins the first round.

  "You know why I did it," he insists, staying in my way. "I'd do anything for you."

  "I don't want to fight with you." I walk to the right, but he moves with me.

  "I wanted to protect you!"

  "You stole from me the opportunity to decide for myself," I tell him. "You didn't do it for me, only for yourself. You hated Colin so you chased him away. Do you really expect me to forgive you?"

  "You still love him." His face stiffens.

  "Of course I love him," I reply scornfully, "he's a good man who made a mistake and has apologized for it. Something that can't be said about you."

  "I can't explain," he seems much less sure of himself now, "I don't know what to say."

  "How could you do this to me? How could you tell him he'd end up like Brock?"

  "He told you." It's not clear to me why it surprises him.

  "He told me everything, and you . . ."

  "It was just a threat, I didn't touch Brock, though not because I didn't want to." His voice becomes hoarse. I'm in no hurry to believe him.

  "Why did you rob us of our future?"

  "You deserved more, I thought he was dangerous, that you would get hurt if he stayed."

  "You don't know what he went through." My gaze is burning. "You don't know what he was dealing with, has been dealing with for years. You have no idea what kind of house he grew up in, and what a miracle it was he got out of there in one piece."

  "He was the captain of the football team." His mantra gets on my nerves, and finally derails me.

  "He was captain of the football team!" I scream uncontrollably. "And no one knew his father had turned him into a punching bag. You and his father were equally bad, you both betrayed us, but at least his father could blame the bottle. What's your excuse, Dad?"

  "I thought I was doing the right thing," he whispers in a weakening voice.

  "You're full of clichés," the anger rolls from my tongue, "I almost lost everything because of you. Lucky for me Colin had the courage to come back and fight for me and Vivian and win us over, but I will never forgive you for what you did to me and Mom"

  "Don't involve her in this." He clenches his fists.

  "You involved her," I point an accusing finger at him, "you hid the truth from her, and now she's paying the price, now she's unhappy because of you."

  "She'll forgive me."

  "You're dreaming." My mom's voice alarms us both. Our eyes lock on the woman who stands at the door with a blank look, her hair sloppy, and the makeup on her face not as meticulous as it usually is. She looks terrible, almost like the man standing in front of me trying to explain himself, without any luck.

  "You better leave, before I call the police."

  "You can't keep me out of my own house, Darlene." He turns slowly, his body facing her, but he shows no intention of moving from the lawn.

  "Your clothes are in there," she points to the garage. "You can take them tomorrow, when I'm at work."

  "Mom!" I shout in shock. It's one thing to send him to sleep in the hotel for a few nights, and another thing to thro
w him out for good.

  "Elizabeth," her voice is cold, as if she isn't really here. As if only her body remains, while she left, and it's unclear when she'll return. "Your daughter is waiting for you inside."

  "Till death do us part, Darlene!" My father raises his voice, but my mom doesn't stay silent.

  "Don't talk to me about death, I gave death enough!" She goes down the stairs slowly, one foot in front of the other. She walks unsteadily, holding the railing for support until she stops in front of my father. He stares at her with tormented eyes, hearing every word that comes out of her mouth in unmistakable pain. "I clung to the belief that there was some great plan I didn't understand, that God knew what he was doing. I have survived for my daughter, not for you, of all people in the world, to hurt her!"

  "I love you." He takes a step toward her, but her hand raises and lands with a slap on his cheek, which turns red immediately.

  "Don't talk to me about love," she flushes with burning eyes. "Take your things, and never come back."

  "I won't divorce you!"

  "I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I'm not your wife anymore." She reaches his chest and pushes him hard until he stumbles backward. "You gave up on our marriage when you lied to me and betrayed your family." She turns away from him, ignoring the words he is shouting at her.

  "It's not over, Darlene!"

  "Mom," I call out to the woman who is walking past me on her way in.

  "Not a word, Elizabeth." She goes into the house, goes straight to her bedroom and slams the door.

  Our dinner is canceled. I doubt my mom will leave the room in the next few hours. Viv is watching television. I let her know of the unexpected change of plans—we’ll eat outside, then we'll go shopping together and go home.

  With a heavy heart I put her in the car, my thoughts staying at home with my mom locked in the bedroom, with my father who lost her, and with the notion that nothing, ever, will be all right.

  Chapter 28

  "My family is falling apart," I cry into my cell ten minutes before midnight, after I couldn't sleep, and the only voice I wanted to hear was Colin’s. I took the risk of waking him up, which I did. He answered sleepily, but as soon as he heard my trembling voice, he awoke completely.