Living with Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  “Do you ever wonder, or imagine,” Alex stole from the tiled word, “what things might have been like if we’d not broken up?”

  She felt Oscar stiffen beside her and pull away from her.

  “I’m not trying to be difficult,” Alex said pleadingly.

  “There’s no point dwelling on what might have been,” Oscar said coldly. “We need to deal with what is. I learnt that in therapy,” he added in a lighter tone.

  “It’s good advice,” Alex admitted.

  “Besides, we didn’t break up. You left.”

  “And you resent me for that?” Alex asked, hurt.

  “No.” Oscar shook his head. “I’m just stating the facts.”

  After that, each time Alex tried to draw close to him, he’d move away from her. Before, he’d so casually thrown his arm around her, and it had felt so normal, so natural, but now he was keeping Alex at arm’s length. Whatever she had said, he hadn’t liked it.

  ****

  “I don’t like you being mad at me,” Alex said that afternoon when they were looking at dinosaur skeletons within the Natural History Museum.

  “I’m not mad at you,” Oscar corrected, fixated by a particularly impressive skeleton. “Can you imagine that these actually used to walk the earth?” he asked her, his eyes wide with boyish delight.

  “You’re mad at me, I can tell,” Alex pressed, ignoring his dinosaur-related comment.

  “I’m not mad at you,” Oscar repeated, moving on to another exhibit.

  “Then why are you being distant?” Alex persisted. They’d been having such a good time together, and she didn’t want that to end but feared she had somehow jeopardized their friendship.

  Oscar turned to face her. He looked handsome in his wool coat, which was partly open, revealing a green sweatshirt and dark denim jeans. He was beginning to look more like the old, confident Oscar. Bit by bit, his old persona was returning. He smiled at her with sad eyes.

  “I’m having a lovely time being here with you. I don’t want to spoil it.”

  “Why would you spoil it?”

  Sighing, Oscar looked away but then forced himself to face her again. “Over by the memorial in the park, you said something about imagining how life would be if we were together.”

  “Oscar, look, I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just—”

  “I need to be honest with you,” Oscar cut her off. Alex stood frozen before him, unsure what he was going to say.

  Oblivious children milled about, gaping at the skeletons and weaving around the couple.

  “We can’t talk here,” Oscar concluded, watching the passing school children.

  “Okay then, where?”

  “We can talk later. Let’s just enjoy our day.”

  Alex tried to enjoy the rest of the afternoon in the museum, but she couldn’t stop fretting over what Oscar felt he needed to be honest with her about. She replayed the initial conversation in her mind but couldn’t figure out what he could possibly be mad about.

  “I used to come here when I was younger, with Liv,” Oscar said suddenly, a surge of memories surfacing as they entered the Egyptian wing. “This was always her favorite part of the museum.”

  Alex dared to run a comforting hand down his arm, and she was relieved when he didn’t bat her away.

  “She was so smart, always into everything,” Oscar continued fondly.

  “I imagine you were quite a pair.” Alex smiled.

  “Between us we questioned everything. We must have driven our parents crazy!”

  “I’m sure they didn’t mind.”

  “But this area, this was always the place she liked the most. Whereas I found it a bit macabre. The way they were so focused on death, with their tombs and mummification and such.”

  “It is a bit dark, I guess,” Alex agreed.

  Oscar stopped beside a glass cabinet that was filled with the ornate treasures retrieved from a pharaoh’s tomb. He seemed distracted, as though his mind was elsewhere.

  “Oscar, are you okay?” Alex came up beside him and asked gently.

  “Yeah.” He shook his head as though trying to clear his thoughts. “It’s just sometimes it hits me, that’s all.”

  “About your sister?”

  “Yeah.” He lowered his head sadly and sighed. “But I’m talking about it, and apparently that will make it easier.”

  “It takes time.”

  “Do you ever feel like that about your dad?”

  Alex wasn’t sure how to admit that she’d not felt the harsh pang of loss for her father for quite some time. Somehow, without her being aware, the pain of losing him had dulled. Now when she thought of him, she didn’t feel someone had just stabbed her in the gut. Instead she felt the emptiness of loss, but it was glossed over with the warmth of fond memories. She missed her father, of course she did, but his loss no longer ailed her as it once had. She’d managed to overcome her grief and not let it hinder her.

  “Sometimes, I suppose.” She shrugged in response, not wanting to commit herself to a concrete answer.

  “Can we go?” Oscar asked suddenly, his own emotions becoming overwhelming.

  “Sure.”

  ****

  Outside on the main steps that led to the entrance of the museum, Oscar sat down and looked back grimly at the building.

  “I’m sorry we had to leave.”

  “It’s okay.” Alex smiled. A part of her still feared that she was responsible for the downturn in his mood.

  “Are you hungry?” she asked, spying a nearby hot dog vendor. “I’m starving, and having a hot dog is like a New York rite of passage!”

  “Sure, I could eat.” Oscar nodded.

  Moments later Alex returned to him, brandishing two hot dogs covered generously in ketchup and mustard, one of which she handed to Oscar.

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem. When I first came here I lived on solely these for like a week.” Alex laughed. “I was too scared to try to cook anything myself in case I burned my apartment building down!”

  She was pleased when she noticed the lines around Oscar’s eyes crinkle in amusement. He took a big bite from his hot dog and nodded approvingly.

  “They’re not so bad,” he commented when his mouth wasn’t full.

  Hot dogs consumed, Oscar once more gazed distantly out into the wide beyond.

  “So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Alex asked, growing impatient with his darkening mood.

  “Like I said, back in the park you mentioned what life would be like if we were still together,” he began, casting a cautious glance her way.

  “I loved you so much.” He looked back into the distance, his jaw clenching. “And a part of me will always love you. But—” The word caught in his throat, and he coughed uncomfortably.

  “But I’m not able to give anything to anyone at the moment, not like that. I need to focus on myself, on getting well. And when you said that, I feared that perhaps you were hoping for something more, that we could rekindle what we had, and I was just going to disappoint you.”

  Alex was silent as she absorbed what he was saying. She’d had no expectations about his visit, no agenda to rekindle their relationship. If anything, she had been enjoying their newfound friend status and was actually relieved to hear him say that he wasn’t still lusting after her.

  “Oscar, that’s fine.” She placed a hand on his knee and gave it a light squeeze. “I want to be your friend, nothing more. I know you can’t handle anything else.” The last part she added for his benefit.

  When Oscar looked across at her, he was smiling. “So you’re okay being friends?”

  “Definitely.” Alex grinned.

  “Because I didn’t want to let you down.”

  “You’re not letting me down, Deloitte. It’s okay.”

  “Cool.” Relaxing, Oscar put his arm back around Alex’s shoulders and leant down and kissed her forehead.

  “How about being friends with benefits?” he asked cheekily,
unable to resist an opportunity to be his old, playful self.

  “Don’t push it!” Alex laughed, poking him in the ribs.

  For a moment they were silent, just enjoying the moment and being together. But then Oscar turned and looked back up at the museum longingly.

  “Do you think we could go back inside?” he asked, aware how pathetic he sounded after he’d been the one who wanted to leave.

  “Sure, but I thought it was making you sad,” Alex noted with concern.

  “It was, but I know that I need to get past that. If I ever want to get better and move on with my life, I can’t let the pain of the past keep scaring me into submission.”

  “Only if you’re sure.” Alex got to her feet and dusted herself down as Oscar did the same.

  “I want to enjoy my trip here,” Oscar admitted. “I don’t want to ruin it because I’m so plagued by the ghosts of yesteryear.”

  “So let’s go finish our tour!” Alex linked arms with Oscar and began leading him up the stairs once more.

  “But if it’s okay with you, I’d rather we avoid the Egyptian section,” she added as they walked. “In all honesty, the place kind of creeps me out.”

  Oscar laughed at her admission, an open, hearty laugh that Alex was relieved to hear. The tension that had been between them had lifted, and they could resume being friends.

  “I like the model of the blue whale,” Oscar said as they headed back inside out of the cold, flashing their entry tickets.

  “It’s so huge!” Alex commented, her eyes widening for dramatic effect.

  “As a kid, I was always scared that it was going to fall down on everyone.”

  “You sound like you were a real ball of laughs as a child,” Alex joked.

  “I was basically like I am now, all sullen and brooding, only smaller.” Oscar laughed.

  “Well, you’re lucky because you can pull off sullen.” Alex smiled fondly at him. “And I’m saying this from a completely friend perspective, but you’re one handsome man, Oscar Deloitte.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself, Alexandra Heron.” Oscar returned the smile and the compliment as they resumed their visit around the museum.

  ****

  The ice-skating rink outside the Rockefeller Center looked picture perfect, like an image straight from a greeting card. On the hard, white ice people skated around, laughing and smiling, lost to the fun of the moment.

  Alex and Oscar stood on the periphery of the scene, unsure whether to participate.

  “I’m not a skater,” Oscar protested for the third time, shaking his head stubbornly.

  “Neither am I, but that’s what makes it fun!” Alex tried to convince him. The Oscar from Princeton had been fearless, but this new Oscar was more reserved, more timid at times.

  “I promise to hold you up if you fall,” Alex said teasingly.

  “You’re not going to shut up until I give it a go, are you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Awkward as ever, I see.” Oscar smiled and sighed with resignation. “Let’s go make fools of ourselves by being the typical tourists who can’t skate.”

  “You know, if you were a dwarf, you’d be Grumpy,” Alex declared as they headed over to pay and collect skates.

  “Yeah, well, you’d be Dopey,” Oscar instantly replied. Alex had always admired his quick wit, it made him a great sparring partner for bantering, and she enjoyed seeing that old side of him re-emerge.

  As Alex tentatively stepped out on to the ice, she began to wonder if she’d made the wrong decision in insisting that they partake in the cliché pastime. The moment her first blade connected with the ice she realized how precariously she held her balance as her feet tried to slip and slide beneath her.

  Behind her, Oscar wasn’t faring any better. Nervously, he got onto the ice but then remained at the edge, clutching desperately to the side. Alex hovered close to him, though she was trying to skate without the aid of the side.

  “You know, I think this would have worked better if at least one of us could skate,” Oscar commented as a seven-year-old glided effortlessly past him, causing him to scowl. He never liked being shown up.

  “We’re doing fine,” Alex insisted, though she did feel he was perhaps right. After they’d edged around a quarter of the rink, she decided it was time to take things up a notch. She took Oscar’s hands, leading him out on to the ice. His feet whirled madly beneath him, causing her to giggle uncontrollably.

  “I have poor balance!” Oscar insisted, blushing.

  “Let’s just try to skate a bit,” Alex declared, pulling him towards her. But as Oscar drew closer, taking his weight in her hands caused Alex to lose her own center of gravity. She wobbled at first, her feet darting precariously beneath her, but then she steadied again.

  “See, we’re fine.” She smiled. But then she wobbled again and this time went crashing down onto the ice, her left hip taking the brunt of the fall. Above her, Oscar was looking down, smiling, and seeming to at last be having fun.

  “Don’t just stand there smiling!” Alex said tersely, reaching up towards him. “Help me up!”

  “No way, if I help you, I’ll go down. We’re stranded. We might as well just wait until the rink closes and someone takes pity on us and takes us back to civilization,” Oscar joked.

  “This isn’t the time to be funny!” Alex grumbled, trying to push herself up with her hands and failing, as she just kept slipping back down. Her left side was beginning to throb with pain, and she was suddenly keen to leave the rink and go enjoy a hot chocolate somewhere.

  “Oscar, please.” She held her hands up towards him and gave him a pitiful glance. He watched her with amusement, making no effort to help.

  As Alex sat there helpless, she remembered another time she’d gone skating, with a man far more chivalrous than Oscar. Mark had effortlessly skated around with her, keen to make sure she was all right, ever the gentleman. She’d felt safe with him, and when he looked at her, she could see in his eyes that he adored her, but she was too young then to appreciate what that truly meant.

  Oscar looked at her like a child might look at their favorite toy. She belonged to him, or had once, and he was proud of her, but he didn’t adore her, she sensed that much. Now, as he watched her struggling on the ice, he was proving the lack of depth to his feelings once more. However much he may have once loved her, he would always love himself more, and a part of Alex had always known that. Perhaps it was why she had been happy to forsake him over the summer in favor of visiting Europe with Ashley.

  “Oscar, come on, help me up!” Alex shouted, growing increasingly agitated by his lack of intervention.

  Finally, Oscar conceded to help, mostly because he was bored of skating and wanted to leave. He reached down and took Alex’s hands in his and began lifting her up onto her feet. But as predicted, the moment she was almost back up, he lost his footing and went crashing down onto the ice, with Alex quickly following, landing directly on top of him.

  Around them some people sniggered at the scene, and as Alex tried to get off of Oscar, she saw the funny side of the situation and began to laugh.

  “It’s not funny. You weigh a ton!” Oscar moaned, but he was smirking, always finding it funny. “I’m so pleased you said we should come skating,” he continued sarcastically. “I’ve had a hoot.”

  “How are we going to get out?” Alex asked, smiling. It was clear that they’d need outside assistance to make it back to the safety of the edge.

  “I think we’ll be stuck here forever,” Oscar teased. “I’ve got some mints in my pocket, but we’ll need to ration them if it’s all we have and we don’t know how long we’re going to be out here!”

  “You’re not funny.”

  “You’re right. I’m not funny, I’m hilarious.” Oscar stuck his tongue out playfully.

  After ten minutes of scrambling around in vain, a passing couple took pity on them and kindly helped them to their feet and escorted them back off the ice. Alex thanked them while
Oscar remained silent, blushing with embarrassment.

  “Okay, you were right, skating wasn’t the best idea,” Alex concluded as they walked away from the skating rink.

  “So what now?”

  “I’m in the mood for hot chocolate.”

  “I could go for something stronger,” Oscar declared, rubbing his now extremely sore back.

  ****

  In the boutique tea room, Alex picked off the marshmallows from the top of her hot chocolate while Oscar nursed his neat whiskey.

  “I don’t know how you can drink that stuff.” Alex looked at the tumbler and frowned. She remembered how her father had favored the drink, pouring himself one after a long day and settling down in front of the television. She’d sipped some once when he wasn’t looking and thought that it tasted revolting, like varnish.

  “You get used to it.” Oscar shrugged. “And it’s warming.”

  “Are you okay to drink on your meds?” Alex asked.

  Oscar nodded in response.

  “I can’t imagine you as a teacher,” she continued.

  “Why not?”

  “I guess because I know you, like seeing you as an authority figure would be strange.”

  “Teachers are people like anyone else.” Oscar shrugged, taking a sip of his whiskey and enjoying the warming sensation that trickled down his throat.

  Talking about teachers made Alex once again think of Mark. Lately she was struggling to keep him out of her thoughts. She wondered what he had been like prior to becoming a teacher. Had he been lost and without direction like Oscar had been, or had he always known what his calling would be?

  “What’s on your mind?”

  “Huh?” Alex snapped back to reality, surprised by the question.

  “You looked deep in thought,” Oscar explained.

  “Oh, nothing, just daydreaming, I guess.”

  “I’m going to have some killer bruises,” Oscar said, wincing as he rearranged himself on the wooden chair, his back protesting each movement.

  “Me too,” Alex agreed, rubbing her sore hip.

  “It’s a shame you don’t have a bathtub at your place. I could go for a nice long soak right about now.”