Living with Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  Leaning back in her chair, Alex pinched her eyes shut and wondered when the pain of the heartache would eventually pass. She’d realized that there was nothing more brutal than living with love.

  Part Five

  Alex sighed deeply as she sat in her cubicle back at work. Jeff had just informed her via email that he needed to see her in his office for a meeting. Jeff never called Alex into his office, which could only mean one thing; that he had something bad to tell her.

  Alex wasn’t sure if she could handle any more bad news. She’d been back in New York for a week, and as much as she tried to distance herself from thoughts of Mark, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She hated him for building up her hopes only to dash them with the revelation that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. But a part of her still loved him too much and couldn’t let go, and she resented herself for that. She wished she could just forget about him and move on with her life.

  She was in New York City working for a prestigious company, living the life she’d always dreamt about, yet she was still wasting tears on a guy back in her hometown who didn’t deserve them. At least she hoped she was still living the dream life in the city. Her stomach knotted as she contemplated what Jeff might want to say to her.

  Nervously, she got up from her desk, having one quick reassuring glance at the picture of her and Ashley. She missed Ashley terribly. While hers had been a Christmas of man-induced misery, Ashley’s had been the complete opposite. The surprise news of her engagement to Ricardo had been a wonderful announcement, and Alex couldn’t wait to hear all about it when Ashley came to the city next month.

  But it wouldn’t be the two of them anymore. Sure, it was only Ashley coming to stay, but soon she would be a married woman, busy planning her life with Ricardo, and where did that leave Alex? Alex had no one to share her life with in that way. The flame of passion between her and Oscar had dulled, leaving them with only friendship, which confirmed that she still loved Mark. She’d gone home, hopeful of rekindling their romance, only to have her hopes dashed at the last moment, when Mark dropped the bombshell about the baby.

  For some reason, Alex had the worst luck with men. No one ever seemed to work out for her, and she was beginning to grow despondent about it all. Each time she thought of Mark tears pricked at her eyes, threatening to send her into bouts of despair. She wished she was stronger, that she wasn’t hurt by his actions, but she was. The pain she was feeling only further cemented her realisation that she did love him. She loved him, and now she would forever harbour a deep, burning pain because that love could never be.

  And now her job was in jeopardy. As Alex approached Jeff’s office door, she racked her mind for what she could have done wrong. She thought she’d done her best. She worked overtime whenever she was called upon, finished all her assignments in a timely manner, and rarely made a mistake.

  Lightly, she lifted her hand and rapped upon the door.

  “Come in,” Jeff called from within.

  Taking a deep breath, Alex entered his office.

  “Alex, hey, take a seat.” He gestured to the chair opposite his desk.

  Alex sat down and glanced out of the windows at the impressive vista he enjoyed from his office. It was a far cry from the densely populated main office, where everyone had their own cubicle.

  “Did you have a nice Christmas?” he asked her as he began sifting through papers on his desk. Papers which Alex noticed bore her name.

  “Yes, thank you,” Alex answered politely, clasping her hands in her lap to prevent her from fidgeting nervously.

  “It’s always nice to go home for a bit, recharge the batteries.” Jeff smiled as he found what he was looking for and scanned through a memo.

  Alex didn’t like to point out that going home hadn’t recharged her batteries. In fact, it had created the opposite effect, and she now felt deflated and devoid of energy. Going home had made her flat and lifeless. The disappointment over Mark seeped through her veins like a poison, shrouding her in the darkness of heartbreak. Even the magical lights of the city could not lift her mood.

  “Anyway, let’s get to it, shall we?” Jeff looked directly at Alex, his voice taking on a more professional tone.

  Numbly, Alex nodded in response, too scared to speak. She was terrified that she was about to lose her job, which would mean that unless she immediately found something else, she’d be forced to return to Woodsdale, to live back in the trailer with her mother and, worse, be near Mark on a daily basis and watch him and Sophie raise their precious little bundle of joy together.

  The thought of seeing Mark play happy families with that woman was unbearable, and Alex fought the urge to be sick.

  “Don’t look so worried,” Jeff reassured her when he noticed her pale face. “We’re just reviewing you now that your probation period has ended.”

  “Okay.” Alex smiled nervously and nodded. Reviewing didn’t sound good. Probation period ending also didn’t sound good. Alex swallowed hard and braced herself for what he had to say.

  “So we’ve assessed your work and how you’ve been progressing here at Goldstone,” Jeff commenced lightly.

  “I really like it here,” Alex blurted nervously. “I feel like I’ve really settled in and gotten to know everyone.”

  “I agree.” Jeff nodded. “You’ve picked up the more difficult aspects of your role with ease, which has impressed both myself and other members of management, which is why, with immediate effect, we’d like to end your probationary period and welcome you on board as a full-time, permanent employee of Goldstone.”

  Alex stared at her boss with unblinking, disbelieving eyes. “You’re keeping me?” she asked, her voice small and unsure.

  “Alex, of course we’re keeping you!” Jeff beamed enthusiastically. “You’re a model employee. You’re hard working and mathematically gifted; we’d be crazy not to keep you. So obviously, with your now permanent status, you’ll receive an increase in salary.” He handed Alex a neatly typed letter, which outlined her increase in wages. She didn’t dare look at it yet. She was still in a daze over the news that she was keeping her job.

  “Also, all permanent employees were given an end-of-year bonus. After some discussion, we decided that you were more than entitled to a bonus of your own due to all the hard work and many extra hours you’ve put in these past few months, so this is for you.”

  He handed Alex a cheque for fifty thousand dollars. Fifty. Thousand. Dollars. She double-counted the zeros several times to be certain. She couldn’t believe her eyes.

  “There’s a mistake on the cheque,” she offered the small slip of paper back to Jeff, who smiled to himself at the gesture.

  “There’s no mistake,” he clarified for her.

  “But…” Alex looked down at it again, signed with Jeff’s own signature. It was for an obscene amount of money, more money than Alex knew what to do with. Enough money to buy her old house in Woodsdale.

  “It’s for fifty thousand dollars,” Jeff stated. “Bonuses are only issued once a year, so you’re lucky you qualified this time round. You keep working like you do and next year you could easily expect to see that bonus doubled.”

  Doubled. Alex couldn’t believe her ears.

  “I know this is a lot to take in,” Jeff said sympathetically, leaning forward in his chair, folding his arms across his desk.

  “You’re young, fresh out of college, and we’re talking about a lot of money. But you’re an asset to this company, Alex, and we want to show you that. You’re highly skilled in a specialized field; you’re set to make a lot of money in your career.”

  Alex tried not to cry. For so long, money had left a void in her life. Lack of money had lost her her home and, for a time, her identity. Her family had been forced to give up all their worldly treasures, to exist on the poverty line. It had taken nothing short of a miracle to get her to college, and now she was holding a cheque for fifty thousand dollars. It was as if she was living out a fairy tale version of
her own life.

  “My mom lives in a trailer,” Alex said, still feeling numb. She wasn’t sure why she told Jeff about the trailer, a part of her wanted to explain to him just how much this money meant to her, and the trailer did that.

  Jeff’s eyes widened, and his features softened with understanding. “You’ve worked extremely hard to get where you are,” he told her gently. “Princeton is no picnic in itself. I should know, I graduated from there a decade or two before you did.”

  Alex felt her shoulders shake, a precursory warning of the tears that were imminent.

  “You deserve that money. Take it, look after your family.”

  Nodding, Alex stood up. She needed to be alone, to absorb all this information, to let the shock of the money settle.

  “Also, make sure you’re sitting down when you read about your salary,” Jeff advised kindly.

  Alex nodded and left the office.

  As she was heading through the door, Jeff called after her, “Keep up the good work, Heron. Glad to have you on board.”

  ****

  As Jeff advised, Alex waited until that night when she was alone in her apartment to read about her new wage increase. Working there on probationary terms, she’d made around $2,500 a month, which was just enough to rent her apartment and get by. She knew it was a good wage, but it wasn’t life changing.

  Carefully, she unfolded and began to read the terms of her now permanent employee status. She finished reading the terms and then read them again, just to be certain. Before tax, she would be earning $80,000 a year. That was an obscene amount of money to Alex. She started to shake as she looked at the figures. Then, she began crying. The money would change everything. She could finally help her mom out and get her out of the trailer and stop her killing herself working two jobs.

  It was the sort of money that would enable her to put a down payment on a decent apartment in the city, or even a house back in Woodsdale. She could think about getting a mortgage, of using her money towards her future.

  As Alex cried she thought of her father, of how immensely proud he’d have been if she could show him the bonus cheque, the letter about the wage increase. She imagined him telling her what an amazing daughter he had and how much he loved her. It was the same words he’d say whenever he saw her play the violin.

  The pain of missing her father and being hurt by Mark started to burn through her with an intense ferocity, and she rolled back on her bed and let her tears take her. They washed down her cheeks and tried to quash the fire of her despair.

  All the money, as wonderful as it was, it couldn’t bring her father back. It couldn’t change what happened that fateful day he was taken from her, nor could it alter things with Mark. No amount of money could bring him back to her now.

  But the money could change things for her mother and Andy, the people who mattered most to her. And Ashley too. It excited Alex to think she could now treat her friend to lavish gifts and go some way to repaying her for the kindness she’d shown her throughout college.

  Taking out her iPad, Alex began searching online for property in Woodsdale. She knew that there was one thing her money could potentially buy that would right an awful lot of wrongs and restore her family to what they had once been.

  ****

  “It’s a lovely surprise to have you back home again, sweetheart.” Jackie Heron smiled at her daughter as she made pancakes on the stove in the trailer.

  “Nice to be back.” Alex smiled warmly.

  “Is everything okay back in New York?” Jackie asked anxiously. It wasn’t like Alex to return back to Woodsdale so swiftly. She’d spent years avoiding the place, and now here she was, back in the trailer while the year was only into its first month.

  “Everything is fine,” Alex reassured her mother as Jackie passed her a plate of fresh pancakes, which Alex gratefully accepted.

  “I just thought it was too expensive to keep coming home,” Jackie continued, determined to get to the root cause of her daughter’s impromptu return. She anticipated that either work or boys were troubling her.

  “I got a raise.” Alex shrugged, biting into a fluffy piece of pancake.

  “Oh, well, that’s good,” Jackie said brightly, visibly surprised. “So your job is going well?”

  Alex nodded, unable to speak with her mouth full.

  “I do worry about you while you’re off in the city,” Jackie admitted. “Especially since you got mugged. Are you sure everything is all right?”

  Alex saw the fear flecked in her mother’s eyes and sighed, knowing she would have to relinquish the true intent behind her visit sooner than she’d have liked.

  “Mom, I can promise you that everything in New York is great, amazing even. I’m currently busy finding a new apartment to live in.”

  “Because you got a raise?”

  “Yeah, because I got a raise.”

  “Alex, honey, don’t go spending all your money on an apartment. I know you don’t like where you live right now, but I don’t want you wasting all your money just to be in a decent area.”

  “It’s fine, Mom. Don’t worry.”

  “But I do worry!” Jackie implored. “Sometimes all I do is lie awake at night and worry about you.”

  Alex frowned. It pained her to imagine her mother alone in the darkness of the trailer, eyes wide, unable to sleep, worrying about her children. Her mother deserved to be happy.

  “If I tell you why I’m really here, do you promise to start worrying less?” Alex asked, eyeing her mother carefully.

  “Why are you here?” Jackie immediately asked. “I knew something was wrong!”

  “Not until you promise to worry less.” Alex raised an eyebrow.

  “Alex, I’m a mother. It’s my job to worry.”

  “Unless you promise to worry less, I cannot disclose the nature of my visit,” Alex said furtively, being coy like she was a secret service agent on a highly classified mission.

  “Okay, fine, I’ll try to worry less.” Jackie sighed, desperate to hear what had brought Alex back to Woodsdale so swiftly. She wondered if it was a boy, maybe a guy from back home she had rekindled something with.

  “I guess I’ll have to accept try,” Alex quipped, smiling slightly.

  “So what is it? What’s going on with you?” Jackie demanded.

  “Well, like I said, I got a promotion at work.”

  “Which is great.”

  “And as such, I’ve got some more money. And I wanted to get you something.”

  “Honey, you shouldn’t be wasting your money on me. You’ve got more important things to be buying,” Jackie declared, her face falling.

  “Mom! Please! Let me give you the gift first before you go telling me off for buying it!”

  “But I don’t need anything.”

  “Let me be the judge of that,” Alex countered.

  “Okay, fine, what did you get me?” Jackie asked, not wanting to seem ungrateful but already fearful that her daughter was wasting money on her that she didn’t have. She appreciated the sentiment, truly she did. But she’d been married to a man who was more generous than his means, and she didn’t want her daughter to repeat his financial mistakes.

  “I can’t give it to you here. We have to go to it,” Alex said, her eyes sparkling with secretive mischief.

  “Go where?” Jackie asked, surprised.

  “You’ll see,” Alex declared smugly, smiling to herself as she finished her pancakes.

  ****

  An hour later and they were in a cab taking them to the location of Alex’s mysterious gift to her mother. In the backseat Jackie Heron shifted uncomfortably. She didn’t like surprises, not anymore.

  They were both wrapped up in thick coats and woollen hats to keep out the cold. A fresh spattering of snow had made the ground sparkle with a pearlescent luster.

  “Where are we going?” Jackie whispered nervously.

  “You’ll see.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “It’s be
cause you will.”

  The cab eventually stopped outside the estate in which the Heron family used to live. As Jackie stepped out of the car and recognized her surroundings, she felt the blood in her veins turn to ice. This was not somewhere she wanted to be. This was a place of forgotten memories, the remnants of a life that was no longer hers.

  “Alex, why are we here?” she demanded, her voice pitched with emotion.

  “You’ll see.”

  “Stop saying that!”

  “Mom, can you just trust me, please?” Alex implored, her eyes wide and asking.

  Jackie wanted to leave and return to the sanctuary of her trailer. She didn’t want to see the giant houses with their long driveways and immaculate fences. She didn’t want to be reminded of all that she had lost. It was too painful to even be on the periphery of the estate. She’d accepted that she would forever be an outsider looking in on the lives of those more well off; she didn’t need a literal walk down memory lane to cement that anymore for her.

  “I don’t want to be here,” Jackie said, growing tearful.

  “I know.” Alex reached out and held her mother’s hand and noticed she was shaking slightly. “And I’m not trying to upset you, believe me. You just need to trust me.”

  “Okay.” Jackie nodded. She trusted her daughter implicitly. Even though her instincts were screaming at her to leave this place, she trusted Alex enough to push through them and carry on.

  Together in the snow they walked through what had once been their neighborhood. At a few points along the way Jackie would point out the house of someone she had once known.

  “That was where the Jeffersons lived,” Jackie noted by a large white house. “She’s a grandmother now.”

  As they walked, Alex noticed the sadness that weighed down her mother’s steps. This had once been a place where she felt accepted and secure. Now she was an outsider, cast out from all that she had once known.