Played

by Liz Fichera

  “You see me every day.” My teeth clenched. What was with women, anyway? I seemed to be surrounding myself with nothing but crazy. First Riley. Now Fred. I wanted to jump on my bike and go.

  “I know that I see you, but we don’t talk anymore.” Fred dropped to the flat rock and pulled her knees toward her chest. She began to rock. “Not like we used to. We used to be able to talk about anything. Books, school. College. How we wanted to come back after college and do something good here. Our parents. Everything.” Her chin dropped to her knees. “What happened to us? What happened to talking and our long conversations?”

  With a heavy exhale, I sat beside her and tossed dried mesquite into the fire, anything to keep my hands busy—hands still red-hot from touching her arms. But the silence between us grew palpable. “So talk,” I said finally, my voice sounded irritated. And loud. My gaze lowered to Fred’s.

  “Tell me about you and Riley. I know something’s going on. You can’t fool me, Sam. Remember?”

  “Why do you care?”

  “I told you already. We’re friends.”

  I paused to consider my words. I couldn’t deny that Riley could get me excited sometimes, usually when she didn’t realize it. “Would it bother you if something was happening between me and Riley?”

  Her eyes blinked wide before she turned away. But then she turned back to me again. “Maybe. A little. But I’d be happy for you.”

  My chin pulled back, surprised. “But what about Ryan?”

  “What about him?” Her eyelids lowered, as if she didn’t care anymore. But I knew better, despite the photo from the party. Fred Oday was a terrible liar.

  “Please, Fred. Now who’s being stupid.”

  “Am not.”

  “Are, too.” I choked out a laugh. “So the guy went to a party and you go all crazy? I’m sure he was just having a little fun. Blowing off steam.”

  “You think?” Her nose wrinkled with hope. “You think that’s all it is?”

  My shoulders shrugged. “You’ll have to ask him yourself.” Why was I defending Ryan Berenger? I seriously needed to get my head examined.

  “What are you going to do about Riley?”

  Another shoulder shrug. “What can I do? She looks pretty tight with Hawkins.”

  “But I’ve seen how she looks at you.”

  I scoffed at this. Riley looked at me like I was a project. Nothing more, nothing less.

  “In her eyes, it’s like you hung the moon,” Fred continued.

  It was difficult to hide my sarcasm. “Yeah. I guess that’s why she’s making out with Jay Hawkins.” Wait. Now what was I saying? Now I sounded jealous.

  “I’m serious, Sam. I think Riley would be good for you. You should give her a chance. She’s a great girl.”

  Fred and I didn’t speak for a few minutes, listening instead to the crackle of the fire, which was completely fine with me.

  Just as I was about to throw another mesquite branch on the fire, Fred said in a soft voice, “Why aren’t you at the party with her?”

  “Who?” I said stupidly.

  She punched my arm. “With Riley, you dummy.” She paused. “You know, if you like someone, if you really care about someone, you need to go after her.”

  “I tried that once.” I turned to face her, straight on. “It didn’t work.” My eyes lowered to Fred’s lips. Then I said, “And who said I wasn’t planning to go later?”

  “So you do have feelings for her?” Fred paused again. “That’d be cool, you know.”

  I leaned back, palms up. “Why would you care?”

  Fred placed a warm hand over mine. She tilted her head to my shoulder.

  “’Cause I’m always gonna care about you, Sam. Whether you want me to or not.” She paused. Then in a softer voice, she said, “When did we stop being us, Sam? You were like a brother to me.”

  I couldn’t answer her. Not because being referred to as a brother hurt me. It wasn’t a punch to my gut anymore. But what I realized, sitting with Fred by the fire, was that she’d begun to feel like a sister to me again, like back before we thought about being anyone’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Back when everything was uncomplicated and we were just us. Just friends.

  We sat together on the rock for a while, listening to the wood snap in the fire as a couple of coyotes howled somewhere in the distance. I inhaled the night, begging for calmness. Inside, my chest was exploding, then quieting, and then exploding all over again with this new revelation. I focused on the darkness, the nothingness that surrounded us, until finally it felt like my world could be okay again, if I just let everything go. If I just let Fred go, once and for all.

  I don’t know how much time passed—a few minutes or an hour—but when our last log burned itself to a gray ash hulk, my mind had stilled. Despite the darkness, I began to see clearly again.

  “Come on,” I said. “I’ll take you home.”

  “Don’t you want to get to the party and find Riley?”

  “There’ll be other parties.”

  Fred sighed but her eyes sparkled. That’s when I realized that tears had welled in her eyes but the next time she blinked, they’d vanished.

  I smiled down at her, and a sense of relief built between us. Things almost seemed normal again. I was finally acting normal again—well, normal for me. “That is, unless you’re expecting your boyfriend to drive way out here, searching for you.”

  She chuckled. “Never say never, Sam.”

  Dramatically, I pressed my hand to my chest.

  Then Fred threaded her fingers through mine, just like old times, and we walked back to my bike. This time it didn’t feel weird. Much.

  33

  Riley

  When my eyes cracked open, I was lying on a bed. Correction: I was lying on silky pillows scattered on top of a bed. Someone was yelling.

  The only light in the room came from the outline of a closed door. Behind the door, a woman screamed, “Okay, everybody out! Now!” She kept demanding that everyone leave, over and over and over. But why would a stranger yell at me to leave my own house?

  Hold up. Where was I?

  I raised my head. A shooting pain slashed across my forehead and the room went fuzzy and sideways at the same time.

  Then I heard the shuffle of footsteps and doors slamming all around me. It was like a fire drill but there was no fire, not really. Not that I remembered…

  But what did I remember?

  I remembered arms and legs and zippers and buttons and lips pressing against mine. And heat. Lots of heat. I even had a vague memory of someone sucking tequila from my belly button.

  I felt my face flush.

  Oh, no.

  I shot up higher and this time my forehead exploded. I was tempted to fall back against the pillow till the dandelion fuzziness behind my eyes disappeared, but the shrieking woman made that impossible.

  The door burst open, a switch was flicked and the chandelier light above me brightened the room like a thousand suns. It was easier to navigate the room in the dark.

  “And you, too, sweetheart,” she said, though it was hardly a term of endearment.

  I squinted back at her, stunned. Who was she? Instinctively, I crossed my arms over my chest and realized the straps from my tee draped over my bare shoulders. The room temperature dropped fifty degrees.

  “Out. Now.” She pointed at the door. “Is there a room in my sister’s home that you kids haven’t trashed?”

  I mumbled something that I hoped was an apology, even though I didn’t know who she was, what she was talking about or where I was. But then it flooded back to me. I was at Jay’s house. There’d been a party, a big one. We were having fun, goofing around. Being stupid. I remembered laughing till my sides ached. Trying things I’d never done before. I remembered kissing. Lots of kissing. And more.

  “Look. You’ve got ten seconds to get out of here before I call the cops.” She raised her cell phone, in case I doubted her.

  Again, I nodded, squintin
g against the bright light. My legs wobbled as I stumbled off the bed and tried to adjust and button and zip my clothing. It felt as if the bed were six feet off the ground. It hurt to talk but I finally did. “I just need to find Jay,” I said, willing my legs to take me to the door and not fall into the arms of this crazed woman who filled the doorway. Jay was the last person I remembered talking to, although we hadn’t been doing too much talking. I remembered his hands on my arms, my legs, my chest. I rubbed my shoulders. They felt as raw as the rest of me.

  “Jay?” the woman cackled. “By the time I’m done with my nephew, you won’t see him for a month.” I did not doubt her.

  I need to find Drew and go home. “I’m so sorry,” I mumbled again, folding my hands beneath my chin. The lady let me squeeze by and I got a closer look at her eyes. She had short black hair like Jay, with the same clear blue eyes, but they blazed with a fierceness that scared me into silence. I wanted to be far away from her, as far away as I could get.

  I stumbled into the living room. All the lights had been turned on so that it was hospital-room bright. The room was empty of people but littered with red cups and beer cans. They covered every available table, end table, armchair and window ledge. Shot glasses lined the ice-cold granite countertop table in the kitchen, a place I vaguely remembered using as a bed. Or was it a stage? Someone had even stuck red cups on top of the lamps scattered throughout the room. The air reeked of cigarette smoke not quite masked by a minty air freshener that only made it worse. All of the family photos and pictures hanging on the wall were slanted. I felt ashamed, looking at all of the innocent faces in them. We’d trashed their home.

  Everywhere I stepped, the bottoms of my shoes crunched. The tile was covered with pretzel pieces and potato chips. I had more vague recollections of someone throwing potato chips into the air like confetti during a Katy Perry song, and people laughing and clapping. We’d all thought it was so funny at the time. Everything was funny…except that I could only remember tiny bits, like a scratchy movie reel. Pieces of my evening lay discarded on the floor along with everything else. This wasn’t how I’d imagined the party would end.

  My forehead continued to pound, but I survived what felt like a twenty-mile trek to the front door by grazing my hand against the wall for support. It took every muscle to open the wooden door with both hands, but it was worth it once I did. The brisk night air hit me like a much-needed slap. I sucked in a greedy gulp, grateful for the oxygen that coaxed open my eyes and brain. The night was strangely silent, so different from when Drew and I had first arrived and the driveway had been loaded with cars and voices and high expectations.

  Drew? Where was she?

  I had no idea about the time but the sky had that wee-hour nighttime feel. The only people out this late would be cops and people delivering newspapers. And me, apparently. I watched as three cars screeched down the street toward Pecos Road, their taillights pinpricks of red.

  “Anybody out here?” I stumbled to the side of the driveway to look for Drew’s car but the sliver of concrete where she’d parked was empty.

  Growing more frantic, I looked up and down the street. Rather than wall-to-wall cars, it was eerily empty. Now what? I fumbled inside my front pocket. At least I still had my cell phone. I pulled it out. But who would I call? I couldn’t call my parents—not that they shouldn’t get at least one halfway drunk and panicked phone call from me in the middle of the night, but I really didn’t care to be grounded for the next one hundred years. Besides, I’d told them I was spending the night at Drew’s.

  I sucked in another breath and texted Drew, then waited. And waited. No reply. I squeezed my cell phone. I thought about texting Ryan but in the next heartbeat I decided against it. He’d shown up late to Jay’s party. When he hadn’t found Fred there, he’d asked me if I wanted a ride home, after not bothering to hide his irritation that I was at Jay’s party in the first place. I’d quickly informed him that I’d be going home with Drew, thank you very much. Now I sort of regretted not leaving with my brother. Instead of going home with Ryan, I’d slammed back a tequila shot while Drew and some other girls stepped in and kept him occupied. Soon after, Jay and I had snuck into one of these rooms to be alone. I never saw Ryan again.

  There was only one thing to do.

  When my eyes opened, my stomach tied itself into one big knot. The fuzz returned to my forehead. Before I realized what was happening, I dropped to my knees and puked my guts out, right there on the pretty red pavers that covered Jay Hawkins’s manicured driveway.

  Then I picked myself up, knees wobbling, and started walking.

  I didn’t get too far. I puked again at the corner of Jay’s street, right beneath a streetlight. Then I stumbled again as I wiped my hand across my mouth and pointed myself toward Pecos Road. At least the lack of streetlights along Pecos would dull the white fuzz swimming in my eyes.

  Other than stopping to puke, it took less time than I thought to reach Pecos Road. Thirty minutes? An hour? Half drunk, half numb, I had no real concept of time. I knew that I reached it when the air became even easier to breathe. Over my right shoulder stretched the reservation, coal-black with specks of yellow light far in the distance.

  After a while, headlights from a car appeared in front of me. I squinted at the approaching lights. They drove straight toward me, so I hugged the side of the road, sinking a couple inches into the soft dirt and gravel. I stumbled into the sand, but only for an instant. I was back up on my feet as the car passed me. A pale face glowed green from the panel inside the car. The man just stared back at me as I held in a breath and hugged the shoulder of the road. Was he going to stop? Would he offer me a ride? If he did, was I crazy enough to take it? My whole body shuddered.

  The car did not stop. It just kept moving.

  And so did I. Faster.

  At least he wasn’t a cop. I had no idea what time it was, but I was pretty sure I was out past curfew. This was the first time in my whole life that I’d been out so late on a Friday night. The notion thrilled and scared me at the same time.

  I pushed forward, inhaling the night air, listening to my footsteps across the pavement, ignoring the building queasiness in my stomach. I figured I had to walk at least another thirty minutes before I reached my neighborhood. “There. That’s not so bad,” I said aloud, and my voice sounded as if it had been projected on a bullhorn.

  Another headlight appeared on the road, bright as a full moon. The engine growled as the vehicle got closer. Like before, I kept to the right side of the road, squinting into the light. My heart pounded against my ribs. What if this was a cop? Or a serial killer? It was almost better when my mind was fuzzier. I didn’t analyze as much.

  The white headlight blanketed the sky until it cast over me like a net

  I took another step to the right, farther off the road, and sank lower into the dirt. My temples thundered, competing with the engine.

  The vehicle slowed but its headlight was too blinding for me to see anything.

  I raised my arm above my eyes against the glare.

  Then it stopped, idling right in front of me. The driver revved its engine, and I jumped.

  “Riley?” The voice was incredulous.

  I jumped again, pressing one hand against my chest as if that could slow my heart.

  “What the hell are you doing way out here?” he said. “Alone?”

  “Oh, my god, Sam?” I peered into the headlight, my throat bone-dry.

  Sam turned off the headlight and the road turned black again.

  “You were supposed to be here hours ago,” I said. I sounded angry but at the same time I was ecstatic to see him. My whole body started shaking. I may have been happier to see Sam right at this very second than I was the moment he fell between me and that elk on the side of the Mogollon Rim.

  “Sorry,” he said, but his tone wasn’t apologetic. “I got lost.” Sam leaned back on his motorcycle as the engine sputtered.

  Quickly, I walked up to his bike and
stood in front of him. I couldn’t see much more than the whites of his eyes. Everything else about Sam Tracy blended into the night like a great big mystery. Without another word, I lunged forward and grabbed him in a tight hug, startling him. “Hold me.” My voice cracked. “Please.”

  A few beats later, I felt his warm arms wrap around me. Sinking into Sam was exactly what I needed. The tighter his hug, the harder I cried. I couldn’t hold it in, either, hard as I tried. Sam didn’t say anything. He just held me against his chest and I breathed in campfire and the desert.

  I didn’t really know how long we stood alongside Pecos Road but it was long enough for my body to calm. When my breathing returned to normal, Sam pulled me back and lowered his face to mine. I was grateful for the dark. “Riley?”

  I raised my eyes to his.

  He shook me, just a little. “What happened?”

  “You were supposed to be at the party,” I said, sniffing. “That was the plan.”

  “No. That was your plan. You know how I feel about Jay Hawkins. I never promised you that I’d be here.”

  “It was a fun party.”

  Sam’s hands tightened around my arms.

  “At least at first. And you were supposed to bring Fred.”

  “I saw Fred earlier.”

  My shoulders lifted. “Really? Where?”

  “On the Rez. We had a party of our own.”

  “Oh.” My voice got smaller. “Well, good. I hope you had a nice time.”

  “I did.”

  “Good,” I said again, but for some reason I didn’t sound like I meant it. I was just surprised, that’s all. Surprised to see Sam. Surprised that he’d spent an evening with Fred, all on his own, without any help from me.

  “You didn’t by any chance see Martin Ellis, Peter Begay and a bunch of other crazy Native guys, did you?”

  “I don’t remember seeing them.” I didn’t remember much of anything. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to remember. Feeling dizzy, I reached for my forehead.