“Hey, it was stable with just me here. I’m not saying you’re the problem, but ya know.”
“I’m used to being the problem. Don’t worry.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
His mood had clearly changed and long slow kisses weren’t going to be back on the agenda until I improved things. I slid my hand across the table to cover his. “So, I was thinking maybe we could do something today that didn’t involve sex. Well, at least for the first part of the day. I’m sure we can slip a card or two into the mix.” I grinned. “Like I said, I was thinking. I saw a sign when we were driving back yesterday for zip lining. Rob and I used to do that a couple of times a year. It’s a lot of fun if you haven’t done it. We could go, get our hearts pumping.”
He pulled his hand away as he leaned back. “Not really my thing.”
“Oh. Sure.” Maybe he was scared of heights and didn’t want to admit it. I racked my brain trying to think of something else. “I know. We’re pretty close to Lake Simcoe. We could drive up and maybe rent a speedboat. Rob and I did that a few times too.”
“No.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I don’t think my boat license is valid anymore anyway.”
There had to be something. I knew Harrison was an active guy, but I didn’t really know if he was an outdoor active guy. Not that Rob had been, but we always managed to find something to do. “The only other thing I can think of is to maybe check out some of the little antique road shops along the way. Rob hated when I dragged him along to those, but they’re pretty cool and you can always find something—”
“Alyssa!”
He’d shouted my name so loud that I jerked back hard enough to send the picnic table rocking once again. “What?”
“I’m not Rob.”
Whoa. Shock bled into annoyance. “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course you’re not Rob. I buried him two years ago.”
“You’d never know it from the way you talk. You mentioned him three times in thirty seconds.”
Had I? Sure Rob wasn’t far from my thoughts most days, but I’d gotten better, moved on to bigger and better things. Was trying to move on to him. “So what if I did?”
“And that’s why you’re going to have a hard time finding anyone else. You’re in love with a dead man.”
My head swam and my stomach felt as though it had filled with blood. My mouth watered and for a moment I thought I might actually throw up. I had to cling to the edge of the table to keep from swaying. “Pardon?”
“Every day when I talk to you I can see it. That little flash that passes through your head when you think about him. How would Rob react? Would he like this? This used to be my favorite thing to do with Rob so every other man I’ll ever be with will have to like it too!”
I couldn’t speak. Even if words were able to come out of my mouth, I didn’t even know what to say. How does a person respond to something like that? I couldn’t very well deny it. I was in love with Rob and I always would be. But did that mean I’d be forever condemned to living the rest of my life alone?
He’d balled his hands and his breathing was coming out in short gasps. “Maybe if Harrison does everything I want him to it will be good. But not as good as Rob.”
“You asshole.” Tears streaked my face, but I made no move to wipe them away. “I didn’t deserve that.”
His red face slowly drained of color. “No.”
“This wasn’t about a relationship. You’d said that from the beginning.” I wiped my nose with one of my napkins. “You agreed to have sex with me. You’ve been the one to stress this wasn’t anything more than that. How dare you get mad at me for . . . for being who I am.”
“Alyssa, I’m sorry.”
“You damn well should be.”
Harrison slowly got up and moved around to my side. When he reached out to touch my shoulder, I couldn’t help but flinch. He pulled back before making contact. “I shouldn’t have said that.” His voice had gone quiet. “Any of that.”
“No. You shouldn’t have.” I wasn’t going to cry anymore. I wouldn’t give him that. “I would like to go home now.”
“We should probably talk first.”
“No.” I got to my feet, careful not to touch him. “You’re right. I do still love Rob. That must be a hard thing for you to be faced with. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with your ex-wife. You broke up. It didn’t work out. You both have gone your separate ways.”
It was hard to face him, to look him in the eye and see what he was feeling, but I did. Which was apparently not much based on his blank expression.
“But at least you have the option to still talk to her if you want. I don’t. All I have are my memories.”
“That’s the problem. I’m with you and I feel as though you’re using me. I’m not Harrison, but a Rob stand-in.”
“You offered. I didn’t need you.”
“Bullshit. I saw you at that dance club. You looked like a deer in the headlights when that guy came up and started grinding on you.”
“And you thought I needed saving?” I might be a lot of things, but even Rob knew that I was more than capable of looking after myself.
Rob again. Maybe he’s right.
No. Fuck that and fuck him.
“Harrison, I know this is hard for you to believe, but I managed to get my husband through chemo, watched him rebound, watched the cancer come back, buried him, handled all of the details surrounding his death and kept going. I might not look like a fighter, or strong, or anything else modern women are supposed to me. But. I. Am.”
“I know.” His words were gentle, almost sad. “I never thought you weren’t.”
“The sad thing is that despite you warning me about your aversion to relationships, I thought maybe we might have a chance. That’s what I was thinking about before you came out here, how I could convince you that it might be worth a shot, you and me. Thank you for putting me back on the right path.” I walked back toward the room. “I’m going to pack.”
“Our bags are already in the car. I was planning on taking you back to the city. To spend a night in a five-star hotel instead of this dump.”
I couldn’t even look at him. “I assume you left me some clothing?”
“Yes. In the bathroom.”
“That saves me a step then. I’ll get dressed and you can take me home.”
Those were the last words we said to each other for several weeks.
26
Today was the first condo association meeting since we’d laid Mrs. Le Page to rest. Pierce had skipped last month’s session out of respect, but business couldn’t be delayed indefinitely. We were notified that this month’s meeting was on. Full speed ahead.
For the first time since I’d move into the building, I’d arrived at the cafeteria early enough to help set up. Walking in brought more than a few strange looks from the other tenants as I wheeled out one of the chair trolleys and began to set out the stack. Even Pierce did a double take when he came in, though he knew enough not to come talk to me.
Apparently the rumor mill was working full steam ahead.
I’d been in a foul mood since the moment my alarm went off. I could only blame part of it on missing Mrs. Le Page as much as I did. The other part . . . the other person I was missing but didn’t want to admit it, was Harrison. That revelation had brought on a five-minute pity party before I got my shit together and left for work. My day hadn’t gotten much better after that, and the last thing I wanted to do was mope around my condo. So, I’d eaten and made my way down to help set up.
Which, based on everyone’s reactions, was the first sign of the apocalypse.
I started fixing the rows, making sure there was more than enough legroom when people started arriving. Everything was normal until a hush descended on the room. I turned and saw Mr. Le Page standing in the doorway. I honestly hadn’t expected his attendance tonight. God, I hadn’t been able to show my face at these meetings for nearly a year after Ro
b’s passing. I too had been greeted with the same awkward silence when I’d arrived. It hadn’t been until Mrs. Le Page marched over and guided me to sit with her and her husband that I felt as though I might make it through.
Standing straight, I walked over to him. My throat ached and I was scared to talk. Instead I looked up at him, gave him a shaky smile before pulling him into a hug. His arms were weak around me at first as I rested my face on his shoulder, but soon they tightened around me. We stood there clinging to each other, knowing the other understood how we felt.
Finally we broke contact and I looked away just long enough for him to wipe a tear from his cheek. “Well, my dear. What’s the news?”
“I got us the best seats, Mr. Le Page. At the back and close to the door.”
“Excellent. Never know when we’ll need to escape old Pierce’s ranting.”
I hooked my arm around his, ignoring everyone as we made our way to the seats. “I suspect we’ll have them tonight. I heard that someone put garbage into the recycling bins outside.”
He chuckled, which brought back some of the life into his eyes. “Lord, who would have been dumb enough to have done that?”
“I say we blame Harrison. It’s not like he’ll be around much longer.”
Mr. Le Page cocked his head to the side, watching me as we sat. I did my best to ignore his silent question.
The last thing in the entire universe I wanted to talk about was Harrison. Or my nonexistent relationship with him. Or how despite pretty much hating him and doing everything in my power to avoid seeing him over the past few weeks, I maybe sort of missed him so much that my heart ached.
Or how I really had been comparing him and Rob and that I felt like shit when he pointed out what I’d been doing.
No way I’d talk about any of that.
The rest of the people shuffled in and a few even came over to offer their condolences to Mr. Le Page. I held his hand the entire time, offering him reassuring squeezes when I thought he might need them. Eventually, the seats were full and Pierce called the meeting to order.
“Thank you everyone for being on time. I’d also like to thank our volunteers who helped set up tonight, Oliver, Michael, and Alyssa.”
The smattering of applause and the small smile Pierce offered me felt pretty good. Maybe I’d have to come early more often.
“On to business.”
Someone came in late, the heavy thud of the old cafeteria door opening followed by footsteps echoed in the room. Pierce eyed whoever it was, shooting them his all-too-familiar glance of disapproval, before continuing. The latecomer pulled up a chair behind us and I didn’t think anything more of it.
While I’d been keen to help out, the meeting itself was as tedious as ever. I’d enjoyed having Harrison with me shortly after his arrival, even though he’d been more than a little annoying. And while I knew Mr. Le Page wasn’t against a little lighthearted kidding around, one look at him and I could tell he was currently reliving his own memories of meetings past.
My chair shifted when the person behind me kicked it accidentally. I scooted forward an inch to give them a bit more room. Next month I’d add even more space between the rows just to make sure that didn’t happen. We had room for it, might as well take advantage. Another minute and the person started tapping their foot against the leg of my seat. I let it go for a bit until it became unbearably annoying.
“Stop,” I said as I turned to glare at whoever it was.
To see Harrison sitting there.
Yeah no.
I turned forward, crossed my arms, and stared straight ahead. I’m sure Pierce was saying something. I knew he was because I could see his mouth moving. The only thing I could focus on was the weight of Harrison’s stare on the back of my head and the steady kicking of his foot against my chair.
I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of a reaction, so I resigned myself to being annoyed and continued to ignore him.
Clearly, that wasn’t to his liking. The next thing I knew he’d leaned forward and his mouth was next to my ear. “I need to talk to you.”
“Shh.”
“Lyssa.”
Oh, now he was doing that to get a reaction from me. “Three. Syllables.”
“Is there a problem there in the back?” Pierce said loudly enough to show his annoyance.
“Not at all,” Harrison said. “I was just asking Ms. Barrow if she would mind shifting over so I could see better.”
I scraped my chair loudly to the side. “Better?”
“Thank you, Ms. Barrow.” Pierce looked at Harrison from over the top of his glasses. “Mr. Kemp, I do realize you’re leaving next week, but do please try to be respectful of the other tenants.”
“Wait, you’re leaving?” I turned fully around to look at him. “I thought you were here for another few weeks?”
“I told you I needed to speak to you.”
Pierce cleared his throat. “I’m sure you can both discuss things at the meet and greet. After the meeting.”
“Sorry.” I turned back around in my seat. There was no chance I’d be able to pay attention now.
Harrison was leaving.
I’d be all alone again.
The last thing I wanted was to go to the roof for the party. It didn’t matter that this was our last one of the summer and that always meant margaritas, or that I’d overheard Mrs. Castor mention that she’d made homemade salsa and chips again this year. If I went upstairs, then Harrison would be sure to follow. If Harrison followed and started talking to me, then we’d end up getting into a fight. While I might have thrown a beer in his face last time, I sure as hell wasn’t going to waste good tequila on the likes of him.
Though I might punch him.
In the end, the decision was taken out of my hands. Mr. Le Page had slipped my arm through his and was using me as a bit of a shield. While Pierce hadn’t said anything directly during the meeting, his gaze had kept flicking to the widower. That had made everyone else pay more attention and the end result was an influx of well-wishers when things had wrapped up.
“Do you want to go back to your condo?” I’d whispered.
“No. I . . . I think I still need to be around people. I’ve missed the company.”
I knew exactly how he felt. Sometimes the possibility of being alone was worse than the actual condition. If he wasn’t ready to handle that quite yet, then I wouldn’t abandon him. When we started to make our way up, I realized that Harrison was nowhere in sight. Good, maybe he’d gotten the hint and left. He’d told me that he was leaving far sooner than his original plans had indicated. It didn’t matter if I knew the reasons why or not. It’s not as though we were a couple. He didn’t owe me an explanation—or anything else for that matter.
Pushing down my disappointment, I stayed linked with Mr. Le Page as we made our way to the roof.
The margaritas were cold enough to make the plastic cups sweat. I had to wipe my hands more than once to dry them off. I thought I’d feel awkward standing here, as people offered their condolences and made odd conversations to avoid talking about anything that might remind Mr. Le Page of his wife. After twenty minutes, people finally stopped coming over and left the two of us alone.
He finished his drink, staring at the bottom of the empty cup. “How did you manage this with such grace?”
“The margarita? Believe me, there’s been more than one tequila incident.”
He smiled. “People. I know in my heart they mean well. But as they speak I . . . I want to . . .” The smile fell and he looked back into the empty cup. “I need another drink.”
I took it from him, stacking it beneath mine. “No you don’t. It doesn’t help. And I know exactly what you want to do. You want to hit them. Or scream at them. You want to rage and show them how angry you are. Why can’t they see how unfair this was? It wasn’t supposed to end this way. She wasn’t supposed to go first. She wasn’t supposed to die at all.” I put my drink on the ground so I could take his hands
in mine. “You’re angry. It will pass in time.”
“I keep thinking I should have noticed something wrong with her.” He was crying without making a sound. “I can’t believe she was sick and I didn’t see.”
“And you’ve officially entered the bargaining stage.” God, it was weird seeing someone reliving the thoughts that had bounced around in my head. “That was worse than the anger for me. Because I blamed myself. But it wasn’t our fault. Not mine and certainly not yours.”
He nodded slowly, but I wasn’t fooled into believing he was okay. He would be, but it would take time. “The one thing that drove me nuts when I was first dealing with everything after Rob died was the advice everyone tried to give. That said, I’d like to give you some if I could?”
His smile was a bit more genuine this time. “Of course.”
“Don’t fight the emotions. It’s okay to be angry, sad, happy, and lonely. It will take time for you to work through them all, but don’t fight them. You have to go through them all, as painful as they might be. When you do, you’ll wake up one morning and the air will be a bit easier to breathe and the sun will shine a bit brighter. It will be then that you’ll know everything will be okay.”
He pulled me into a crushing hug. “My Charlotte always said you were far too wise for your age.” He let me go and reclaimed our cups. “How about I get us both another drink?”
“That would be wonderful.”
I never thought my own experiences would be useful to anyone else. If even a little bit of what I’d learned could help ease his pain a tiny bit, then I’d do my best to be there for him. After all, he’d done the same for me.
Harrison stepped beside me. I didn’t need to look at him to recognize his aftershave and shampoo. Sad that I’d come to recognize his unique scent after such a short period of time.
“How’s he doing?”
His question caught me off guard. It shouldn’t have. I knew he’d struck up a friendship of sorts with the older man over his time here. “As well as can be expected.”
“It’s good that he has you to talk to. Someone who knows what he’s going through. My dad didn’t have that when we lost Mom. I think it made things harder for him.”
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