“What can I do for you, Harrison?” With everything else going on, I couldn’t handle idle chit-chat with him. It hurt too much.
“I need to talk to you. Alone.”
“Not happening. You can say what you want here.”
A group walked past us and said hello. I felt him tense beside me and I knew he was annoyed about not getting what he wanted. Well, too freaking bad. He lost that privilege back at the motel.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Before I left, I wanted you to know that.”
His apology should have meant more to me than it did. “Fine. You’re sorry. I believe you. Now you can go.”
He sighed, breathing heavy through his nose. “Don’t you even want to know why I’m going?”
“Work? Another client matter across the country? Does it matter? In the end you’re running away.” Leaving me behind. Just like everyone else.
The muscle in his jaw jumped. “You know nothing about what I’m doing. What’s happening.”
“You’re right I don’t. Because you keep that stuff away from me. This was just about sex, after all.”
“Alyssa—”
“No. Just stop.” My throat tightened, making it hard to swallow down my anger. “You were right about me comparing you to Rob. He is . . . was a huge part of my life and that won’t change. I won’t change, won’t deny that part of my life.”
“I never asked you to.”
“Maybe not, but you made it clear that you didn’t like it either.”
“Can you blame me?” He stepped in closer, so I could feel his body heat against me. “You had this perfect fucking life. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone to step in after that? That’s why this had to be about sex and nothing more. You’re not willing to change? Fine. But you can’t expect your lovers to change for you. I’m not Rob. I will never be Rob. I’m me, Alyssa.”
“Why would you think I’d want you to change?”
He blinked. “You really have no idea, do you?”
Mr. Le Page chose that moment to finally return, handing me my newly refilled cup. “Ah, it’s nice to see the two of you talking again. I was beginning to worry that you’d had a falling out.”
I knew I had about five minutes before the tears were going to come. I had to get out of here. Away. Turning to Mr. Le Page, I gave him a hard hug. “I’m not certain we ever had a falling in. You know that anger thing I mentioned. It has a tendency to come back at the weirdest times. I’m really sorry to leave you alone, but I need to head home.”
“Okay, my dear.”
“I’m sure Harrison here will keep you company.” And with that I left.
No more. I was done. The idea of trying to change who I was to fit into someone else’s preconceived notions of what a relationship should be wasn’t going to work. Harrison was simply a reminder that I’d had my one shot at love. It was over now and I had better accept the fact that I was now on my own. I had no doubt I’d make similar mistakes with other men.
So no more.
This singular Alyssa was here to stay.
Part 4
New Beginnings
27
Moans and the sounds of fake kung fu filled my bedroom. I was stretched out naked beneath my sheets, my laptop strategically placed on the unused side of the mattress as I played a porn movie. This was one I’d picked out the day before at the sex shop and was quite excited to see. It was done by the same production company who’d put together the pirate movie I’d liked, so I figured this one would be as good. Boy, I wasn’t disappointed in the least.
Who knew ninjas could be so hot?
I slipped my hand between my legs and gently fingered my clit. It had been awhile since I’d had an orgasm. I refused to remember the last time I’d come, seeing as it had been with he-who-shall-remain-nameless. I needed to start over and make some new memories that I could use for future fantasies. So good-bye pirates and hello ninjas.
In the current scene, the male ninja master was creeping through the window of the captured princess. The story had tried to explain why the ninja master was a middle-aged white guy with a big cock, but it had far too many plot holes for my liking. Thank God . . . big cock.
“Oh dear! How did you get into my room?” The princess was the same woman who’d played the princess in the pirate movie. Who knew it was possible to get typecast in a porno. I wondered if she’d had aspirations to be in other movies, or if she really enjoyed her job? I hoped it was the latter.
“Quiet or they’ll hear.” He pulled his mask off to reveal a clean-shaven jaw and thick black hair. “I’m the ninja master here to rescue you.”
“But I was told you were a villain. That I’m here locked in this castle because of you.”
“I would never. You are to be my promised wife. And we shall rule all of Asia.”
Yeah, they weren’t going for historical accuracy with this one. They’d done better with the pirates.
“Marry me? But my captors have threatened to take my virginity. I shall never make it to the wedding.” She leaned back against her pillows, exposing her breasts.
“Then I shall fuck you now and claim you as my own.” He grabbed the front of his silk pants and ripped them off.
Bingo, there was the cock.
I increased the pressure on my clit, rubbing small circles to increase the stimulation. The ninja master had torn off the princess’s nightgown in one easy rip, leaving her fully naked. He then grabbed her by the waist and pulled her flat onto the bed. When he began to lick her pussy, I started fingering myself in earnest.
It felt good as my body warmed up to my touch. My nipples grew hard and my pussy nice and wet. As the moans from the movie increased, I let my eyes slip shut. I didn’t need to watch it to use it as motivation. The sounds were enough to keep me going.
My mind took over when my eyes lost their stimulation. I became the princess, naked against the sheets, the ninja between my legs. His black hair was soft as I ran my fingers through it. His stubble on his cheeks was rough against the insides of my thighs as he sucked my clit into his mouth. He’d tormented my clit, flicking it rapidly with his tongue while he squeezed my thighs with his hands. He’d move his fingers closer to my opening, running the tip around it so I knew exactly what he planned to do next.
I pushed my finger into my pussy, fucking it in and out slowly. This time my moans joined in with the pair in the movie. I could see his face as he devoured my pussy, but when he looked up it wasn’t the ninja master, but Harrison between my thighs.
Even in my fantasies, I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him. Knew it would only lead to disappointment and heartbreak. But this was the one place I couldn’t lie to myself. Where I couldn’t escape him even if I wanted to. The one place I gave myself permission to dream.
“I’m going to fuck you now, my love.”
Yes. I shoved a second finger deep inside, frantically fucking myself on my hand. Thoughts of Harrison’s hard body pressing down on me generated some sort of weird muscle memory. My pussy clamped down on my fingers as my thumb pressed hard against my clit. Coupled with the screams from the princess in the movie, I was done for. My orgasm came hard and fast erupting in lightning flashes. I bucked my body trying to recreate the feeling of having him in me, with me, but it wasn’t quite right.
Finally the pleasure faded and I was left somewhat sated, guilty, and slightly weirded out by my ninjas.
This wasn’t fair.
I slapped the cover of my laptop down, threw back the covers, and went to get cleaned up. I was meeting Nikki for lunch and I’d never hear the end of it if I was late again. So pushing my fantasies to the back corner of my mind, I raced through my Saturday morning routine.
Nikki was already there, but her coffee order hadn’t come yet. That meant that I wasn’t in trouble. “Sorry I’m late.” I fell into my seat and draped my purse over the back of it. “Have you been waiting long?”
“You’re not actually. Late that is. I
actually was early.”
There was something in her voice that grabbed my attention. “What’s wrong?”
In a very un-Nikki-like fashion, she didn’t deny that there was a problem. “It’s kind of the reason I asked you here. I think I owe you an apology.”
“For what?” The last three times we’d gotten together everything had been fine. We even agreed on what movie to go see last week without bickering.
“For telling you not to trust Harrison.”
My hackles went up. “No reason to apologize for that. You were right all along. He couldn’t handle our agreement, which had nothing to do with me. He was a dick and I’m much better off without him around.”
“No you’re not.” Nikki sighed and slumped back against her seat. “You’ve been miserable.”
“Bullshit. I was miserable when he was around.” It didn’t matter that in the two weeks since he’d moved out I’d walked down to his condo and knocked on the door in the hopes he’d still answer. That was nothing but my own childish obsessiveness and I really needed to grow up and move on.
“Lyssa—”
“Alyssa. Three syllables.” The response was a reflex.
“Since when has that nickname been an issue?”
“It’s not. It’s fine. I’m fine.” I just might possibly be heartbroken.
“You have been miserable. This is exactly the same as when you found out about Rob’s cancer.”
“Don’t compare the two. Losing Harrison was nothing like losing Rob. How could you even think they were remotely the same?”
“I don’t. But the fact that you said losing Harrison, rather than Harrison leaving, or anything else, proves that I’m right. You were in love with him and I was too jealous to notice.”
There were so many things wrong with her sentence that I wasn’t sure where to begin. “You were jealous? Of what?”
Nikki sighed and pressed her forehead to her placemat. The waitress, on her way to our table, took one look at Nikki and indicated that she’d come back. I’d make sure to leave her a good tip.
“Nikki, please tell me what’s going on?”
She lifted her head enough to look like a toddler who thought they were about to get into trouble. “I told you. I was jealous.”
“Of?”
“I’ve been through three marriages. Three. All of them have ended, not all horribly, but they have ended. I was with Michael the longest and we only managed two years.” She sat back up and fixed her hair, her gaze averted. “I used to look at you and Rob and think, wow, they are so in love but that’s totally the exception. I didn’t know anyone else as blissfully happy as you. Then you met Harrison and I saw that same joy wash over you again. I wanted to know why you seemed to get all the good guys. Why couldn’t I find the good ones? One man. That’s all I wanted. Someone for my own who liked me the way I am. When I found out that Harrison had whisked you away for a sex weekend, I got jealous. I’m sorry that I put that seed of doubt in your brain about him.”
I rarely find myself stunned, but Nikki managed to knock me speechless. My older, far more successful sister, who never seemed to have a care in the world, was jealous of my two relationships. The world very well might be coming to an end.
“Well you can rest assured that I don’t have weird sort of man-wooing juju. Harrison was an ass and he’s gone.”
“But would he have left if you didn’t have it in your mind that he was a jerk? I mean, things started to go downhill for you right after my phone call. Maybe without really meaning to, I’d influenced you.” She pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes. “I never wanted to hurt you. I certainly didn’t want to break the two of you up.”
“You didn’t. Harrison had been clear right from the beginning that he had no interest in getting into another relationship. He hated that Rob and I had been so happy. Too much pressure on him or something. It had nothing to do with you, or even me.” I picked up my menu and started to read over the specials. “But since you’re feeling guilty, you can pay for lunch.”
“Are you sure?”
“About you paying? Certain.”
“No, about me not being responsible? I don’t like to see you so unhappy. Not after I’d finally gotten my little sister back.”
I tightened my grip on the menu, but smiled as brightly as I could. “I’m still here. Now, what’s good to eat?”
I returned to the condo with a full stomach and an even fuller mind. While Nikki and I hadn’t talked any further about him, I couldn’t get my mind off Harrison. It was maddening. No, Nikki hadn’t said anything that would have influenced my decision. It was simply really bad timing. Or good timing, as it gave me a buffer to get over him before he actually left.
Without realizing, I walked past my place and was halfway to Harrison’s. God, this was stupid. I needed to get over him. He was gone, off to wherever his business had sent him, and I’d never see him again. Still, since I’d come this far, I couldn’t resist the urge to complete my futile task.
The wood was cold against my knuckles as I knocked. This was dumb. He wasn’t there. I didn’t bother to wait, and started plodding back to my place.
“Hello?”
I spun around, greeted by the sight of a small blond woman. Her hair was cropped in a neat bob and she was wearing dress pants and a blouse that screamed businesswoman. “Hello.”
“Did you just knock?” She looked back into the condo. “I’m just moving in and I keep hearing things. I thought that was the door. This building is weird.”
“I did.” I marched back and held out my hand for her. “I’m your neighbor, Alyssa. I live in the next unit. I thought I’d come over and say hello.” Nice cover-up. Gold star.
“Maranda. Hi. I’m only here for a few weeks to finish up some work that our last guy left.”
“Harrison?” I couldn’t believe that he would have left a job unfinished. Not after how seriously I knew he took things. “I thought he’d finished with his clients and the company moved him back home?”
Maranda frowned. “He shouldn’t have been talking to you about work or our clients. That’s confidential.”
I so didn’t like her already. “He didn’t. Just casual conversation stuff. I don’t even know who he was meeting.”
Her frown told me that she didn’t quite buy it. “I don’t know him. I was told he had some personal matters to attend to. His wife was sick or something.” She looked back into the condo. “I’m sorry, I have to finish getting ready for a meeting. Was there something else you needed?”
Harrison’s location. “Nope. Just wanted to welcome you to the building.” I gave her my little wave. “Hello.”
“Thanks.” She smiled weakly at me before shutting the door.
I tried to piece together the events of the last time I’d seen him. I didn’t let him talk, or give him a chance to tell me what was going on. As far as I knew, he’d been moved for work as planned, just a bit ahead of schedule. All I’d cared about was myself, that he was leaving me behind, when I should have been worried about him.
What kind of person did that make me? I didn’t really want that answer.
There was one person who might know what was going on. It was time to pay Mr. Le Page a visit.
28
The scent of old smoke and new construction was present as I stepped into Mr. Le Page’s condo. This was the first time that I’d been here since his wife’s death, a fact that I felt terrible about. The bottom of the pie plate I’d brought was sticky and still warm from my oven. I knew he loved apple pie, and with his kitchen still not fully functional, I figured he’d enjoy the treat.
“I see you know the way to a man’s heart.” His smile chased away my nerves. “Let me take that and we can have a piece.”
“I didn’t know if you were busy, but I wanted to see you.”
“I appreciate it. I love my son, but he’s grieving as much as I am. It’s nice to have a break from all that. Plus, I could use your input into some redecoratin
g choices.”
The kitchen was in better shape than I’d expected. The contractor had already put new cupboards and a countertop in place. “Wow, they’ve moved fast.”
“Bobby, my son, he pulled a few strings for me. His friend owns a company and well”—he held out his arms—“this is the result.”
There were color palettes and tile samples on the table. I immediately started mixing and matching. “Oh this is nice.”
“Charlotte was always the one who did all that. I don’t have the eye or the inclination for it.” His voice caught, forcing him to clear it. “Can I offer you some tea?”
“Yes please.”
Within a minute, I had three options for his kitchen worked out and a piece of pie as my reward. “These are the best combinations. I’d say pick which one speaks to you.”
“Thank you, my dear.” He took a bit and sighed. “And this is delicious.”
“I figured you could use a treat.”
“Indeed. Now, what’s bothering you to bring you up here?”
“Bothering me?” I hated that I blushed so easily. “Can’t I just come and check on a friend?”
“You can. Did you know that Charlotte always said you were the sweetest girl she ever knew, but that you couldn’t lie to save your life?”
I laughed. “I’m pretty terrible at it.”
“You are. So I’ll pour the tea and you talk.”
I stuck my fork into an apple piece and twirled it around my plate. “Harrison is gone.”
“Yes he is. You’re bothered by this?”
“I . . . I know I shouldn’t be. But yes, I am.”
He placed a small cup in front of me. The tea was weak, little more than flavored water. I remember Mrs. Le Page complaining once that she never let her husband make the tea because he never let it steep long enough. She claimed that he did it on purpose to annoy her, that it was one of her few pet peeves. Now, I couldn’t help but wonder if he simply liked it brewed this way.
30 Days Page 21
