Chase the Rainbow

by Poorna Bell

  I finally feel like Rob’s legacy is taking shape.

  Afterword

  Life is moving forward.

  I have been speaking publically about mental health and suicide and writing regularly about suicide prevention, and a doctor friend of mine told me that, after reading my blog about Rob, she spearheaded a major mental health pilot scheme to create better understanding between patients and professionals.

  I’ve decided other parts of my life have to change.

  Although it took a long time to get to the point where I didn’t want to throw up at the idea, I’ve tentatively started dating again after I realised voluntary celibacy probably wasn’t my thing.

  I realise that I must be a difficult person to love right now, or for someone to want to be with, connect with. Deep down, there is a vast room and in it are all the memories I have with Rob. In this room, he is alive and I am in love.

  And the man it would take to hold my hand and say I love you, and I know you have that room and I love that room because it makes you you, and I can hold both you and Rob in my heart . . . that man – does he even exist? That man would have to be a greater person than me. I don’t know if he will ever make his way to me. But I’ve been through enough to know I’ll be okay if he doesn’t.

  I have bought my first ever apartment, and I’ve finally gone through the boxes of Rob’s possessions – though it took a lot of red wine, tissues and James Taylor.

  To mark the end of summer, Martin invites me to come to France, exactly a year after my last trip. It’s a welcome respite from packing up my house.

  The last time I was here, it was two months after Rob died and Martin wanted to give me somewhere restful to stay. He cooked, we went for long walks and it was what I needed.

  At the time I felt very fragile, so one morning, instead of a walk, I went for a run to clear my head. I passed dark green hedges, open fields filled with white flowers dotted across like a meadow of falling stars.

  Then I came across a woodland, tall conifers radiating from the dark heart of the forest. I thought of Rob, I felt his death pass through me, and I couldn’t run any more because I was crying so hard.

  This time round, I decide again to go for a run in the cool morning before it gets too hot.

  I pass the same forest, but it is breathtaking how different I feel. How much stronger I am. How I am able to hold Rob close, but not feel like the memory of him will drown me. I never believed a day would come when I could feel like this, but it has happened and, finally, I am turning with the world.

  In the distance, I see a field of sweetcorn, green, unripe ears pointing upwards. They bend and sway in the breeze. I don’t know why I do this, but I leave the roadside and push my way through the field so that, soon, I am lost in corn.

  It whispers and rustles around me with the bluest sky overhead and, after a time, my breathing slows, and I feel like I am watching the earth grow.

  Although there are barely any clouds visible, from nowhere a brief shower of rain passes overhead. And when it stops, in the bright glow of the summer sun, a mighty rainbow arches across the sky, a fiery arrow shot from another world to mine.

  Rob.

  I’m crying, but I’m laughing, and I sincerely hope that no one can see this small, crazy Indian girl crying and laughing in the middle of a field of sweetcorn.

  I love you, I love you, I say to the sky and to the earth. A thousand times, I love you.

  Endnotes

  1. http://www.vice.com/­read/­why-are-your-dreams-suddenly-so-intense-when-you-stop-smoking-weed-876

  2. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/­jamie-flexman/­depression-mental-illness_b_3931629.html

  3. https://www.gov.uk/­government/­uploads/­system/­uploads/­attachment_data/­file/­462885/­drug-misuse-1415.pdf

  4. http://www.independent.co.uk/­news/­uk/crime/­uk-is-the-addiction-capital-of-europe-report-claims-8793170.html

  5. http://time.com/­3946904/­heroin-epidemic/

  6. https:­//www.­ted­.com/­talks/­johann­_hari­_ever­ythi­ng­_you­_thi­nk_­you_­know­_abou­t_addi­ction­_is­_wron­g/­trans­cript­?lang­uage=­en

  7. https://www.rsph.org.uk/­our-work/­policy/­protecting-the-public-s-health/­taking-a-new-line-on-drugs.html

  8. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/­johann-hari/­7-facts-about-drugs-that-will-make-you-question-everything_b_9484744.html

  Useful Books and Organisations

  Cry of Pain: Understanding Suicide and the Suicidal Mind, Professor Mark Williams (Piatkus, 2014)

  Notes on Suicide, Simon Critchley (Fitzcarraldo Editions, 2015)

  CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) helps prevention of suicide among men

  0800 58 58 58

  https://www.thecalmzone.net/

  MIND is the leading UK mental health charity

  0300 123 3393

  http://www.mind.org.uk/

  The Samaritans provide a listening service

  116 123

  http://www.­samaritans.org/

  The Listening Place offers a safe environment in London where people who are feeling suicidal can make an appointment to come and talk to someone

  http://listeni­ngpla­ce.­org.­uk/

  Maytree is a sanctuary for the suicidal in London with a high success rate

  0207 263 7070

  http://www.­mayt­ree.­org.­uk/

  Lifeline is a UK-wide charity that helps people and families affected by drug and alcohol addiction

  0161 200 5486

  http://www.lifeline.org.uk/

  Acknowledgements

  Mum and Dad, everything I have learned about compassion, kindness and helping other people has come from you. This book would not have been possible without you, and there are no words sufficient to express how proud I am to be yours, and how much dignity your unfailing love has given me.

  Prue and David – I was lucky enough to have one set of phenomenal parents, but through Rob, I gained another. The word aroha may have started with him, but it continues with you. I cannot thank you enough for the love you have shown me, and for giving me your blessing to write about our beloved boy.

  Priya, we have always had a language beyond words because we are sisters – thank you for the hugs when I wasn’t able to speak and endless cups of tea. John and Alan, you are my brothers for life and thank you for calling me your sister.

  To the fabulous duo who Rob described as ‘The Aunties’ – Gabrielle and Felicity – who gave me strength and confidence to write this book.

  To Mal – who has always had faith in me, and who undertook the hardest of journeys with me. I can never repay you for holding my hand in the darkest of moments. You are more than my friend, you are family. Jesse, brother: you were there for him in life, you were there for him in death, and it means so much that you brought him alive for this book.

  For Hasiba, whose love and companionship stopped me from drowning in the first year. For Martin, who opened his heart and home to me when I needed time and space to write. For my boys Niaz, Kumaran and Ahmed, who have always been able to make me laugh when I needed it most. For all of my friends and family who kept me afloat with their love – Karen, Tania, Shabby, Prarthana, James, George, Rashme, Poonam, Sonia, Alice, Gun, Shwetha, Aarti, Jools, Anoushka, Monique.

  To Rob’s New Zealand crew, whose messages kept me going in moments of despair – David M, Wesley, Malcolm, Amanda, the Arnolds and the wonderful Louise.

  I wouldn’t have been able to write this book if I hadn’t been so well supported at work, and so a huge thank you goes to Brogan, Stephen and Ellen, who saved me in so many ways they probably don’t know about.

  To my agent Rowan at Furniss Lawton, who I knew was The One when I met her, who just ‘got it’ and treated this book with utmost respect. To my editor Nicki at Simon & Schuster, for her sensitivity, her faith and words of support. To Nikki and Izzy, for their invaluable advice and affection. Isobel H, for keeping me sane.

  And just a huge thank you
to everyone who ever wrote a kind comment under one of my pieces about Rob, who reached out and emailed me after I wrote my blog at a time when I felt barely tethered to this world. You helped keep me here, and inspired this book.

  First published in Great Britain by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd, 2017

  A CBS COMPANY

  Copyright © 2017 by Poorna Bell

  This book is copyright under the Berne Convention.

  No reproduction without permission.

  All rights reserved.

  The right of Poorna Bell to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

  Here: images © KTB Wedding Photography

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  Hardback ISBN: 978-1-4711-6069-1

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