Life Intended (9781476754178)

by Kristin Harmel

  I wrap my arms around him, breathing in his familiar scent for what likely will be the last time. I begin to cry, and he stirs and rolls over, his body pressed against me, his eyes just inches from mine.

  “Katielee?” he asks with concern. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I tell him, because finally, I am. “Are you really here?” I ask a moment later, reaching out to touch his face, knowing that the question will begin to take me out of the dream. As the room grows a little dimmer, I can feel the stubble of his jaw, the warmth of his body. I ache to stay here forever with him, but the ache isn’t as strong as it usually is, and that brings me comfort.

  “I’m always here, Kate,” he says, and I wonder if that’s true. Maybe once someone is in your heart, they never really leave. “Where else would I be?”

  “In heaven, maybe,” I say softly as the room’s edges grow fuzzy. “Or maybe living happily in a world that might have been, somewhere on the other side of the sky.”

  “What are you talking about?” He pulls me closer and dries my tears, but he’s already beginning to fade, and I can barely feel his touch on my skin.

  “I just want you to know that no matter what, I’ll always love you,” I tell him. “And I’ll love Hannah with every fiber of my being. I’ll take care of her always.”

  “Of course you will,” he says, stroking my cheek. “You’re her mom.”

  This makes me start crying again. “Yeah. I am.”

  “I’ll always love you too, Katielee,” he says after a moment. “I knew before I met you—”

  Tears stream down my face. “—that I was meant to be yours,” I reply.

  He pulls me to him, and I close my eyes, feeling his warmth around me, hearing the steady beating of his heart, knowing that this is what could have been.

  But it wasn’t. It never will be. I know that now.

  “Thank you, Patrick,” I whisper. I hold on tightly one last time. After tonight, it will be time to let Patrick go, to move forward into the future, to begin living the rest of my life.

  It’s not the life I planned, but somehow, it’s the life I was intended to have. And now, finally, I’m ready to embrace it.

  Author’s Note

  When I first set out to write The Life Intended, I knew very little about the topics that would become integral to the book. I’d had little exposure to the foster system (except for an inspiring magazine article I worked on with Orlando Sentinel columnist George Diaz and his wife a few years ago), I didn’t know much about music therapy (although it had always fascinated me), and I only knew a handful of people who were hard of hearing. It would be an understatement to say that researching this book was a huge educational experience for me.

  At its heart, The Life Intended is the story of Kate Waithman finding her way back to the life she was supposed to have all along. But because the book includes many details about foster care, cochlear implants, deafness and music therapy, I want to mention a few things:

  First of all, music therapy is a very, very broad field. I was fortunate enough to speak with Kristen O’Grady, MA, LCAT, MT-BC, a music therapist in New York State who, like Kate in the book, was educated at NYU. She made the excellent point that the definition of music therapy is widely contested, even among those in the music therapy community.

  In the book, Kate explains this to Andrew, and I tried my best to make Kate’s interactions with her clients as authentic as possible, but it’s important to remember that not all music therapy is the same. And of course Kate herself isn’t perfect. For instance, she overshares details of her own life with Allie as she lets her professional objectivity slip at times. This book is in no way suggesting that music therapy is meant to be practiced that way.

  As for the scenes related to foster care, I was lucky to have the guidance of Arlene Goldsmith, LCSW, PhD, who has been the director of New York–based New Alternatives for Children (NAC) since its inception in 1982. Like the fictional St. Anne’s Services where Kate volunteers in the book, NAC is an organization that works with the state system to provide high quality services in support of birth, foster, and adoptive families caring primarily for medically fragile children, including those with physical, emotional, and behavioral challenges as well as developmental disabilities. St. Anne’s isn’t directly based on NAC, but it was inspired by it, and I’m grateful to Arlene for the information she provided.

  Finally, I’d like to address the issue of deafness. As Andrew mentions briefly in the book, there’s a difference between deaf with a lowercase d and Deaf with an uppercase D. The first term is broader and refers to the actual condition of not being able to hear. The second term refers to the Deaf community, a group of people with a shared culture and language. Some people in the Deaf community feel that cochlear implants are unnecessary and that in fact the suggestion that they’re needed can be insulting. Some resent what they see as the implication that hearing loss is something that needs to be fixed. Some don’t feel they need—or want—sound.

  In The Life Intended, Andrew is a big advocate for getting cochlear implants for hard-of-hearing children in the care of St. Anne’s. This is in no way meant to criticize the beliefs about cochlear implants among some in the Deaf community. This is simply Andrew’s opinion; he feels that children in the foster care system have more advantages if they can hear and speak more easily, since many foster children who are hard of hearing or deaf don’t have the advantage of being part of the cultural Deaf community. If the children in his care were being placed in homes where the parents were culturally Deaf, he might feel differently.

  I hope that through reading The Life Intended you’ve learned a few things about music therapy, deafness, and foster care. As I mentioned in the Acknowledgments, any errors in the book are mine and are not related to the experts mentioned here who took the time to give me insight into the work they do.

  If you’d like to learn more about music therapy, the American Music Therapy Association is a great resource. Find them online at musictherapy.org. If you’re interested in finding out more about NAC or foster care in New York, visit nackidscan.org. And if you’re interested in the fascinating topic of using music to work with the deaf and hard of hearing, visit Dr. Paul Whittaker’s charity: Music and the Deaf at matd.org.uk.

  Thanks for reading!

  Acknowledgments

  A thousand thanks, as usual, to my amazing literary agent, Holly Root, and my extraordinary editor, Abby Zidle, who comprise the best creative team I could possibly imagine. I also owe a huge debt of gratitude to both Farley Chase and Heather Baror-Shapiro, two amazing agents who go above and beyond, and to publicist Kristin “Kristin-with-an-i” Dwyer, Marla Daniels, Louise Burke, Jennifer Bergstrom, Michele Martin, Liz Psaltis, Melanie Mitzman, Mamie VanLangen, Laurie McGee, Diana Velasquez, Taylor Haggerty, Julianna Wojcik, and the rest of my wonderful team at Gallery Books and the Waxman-Leavell Literary Agency. I’m also very grateful to all of my foreign editors, especially Eva Schubert in Germany and Elisabetta Migliavada in Italy, both of whom have become dear friends of mine. What a gift to get to work with such wonderful people!

  I am very fortunate to have received help and input on this novel from some wonderful people, including music therapist Kristen O’Grady, sign language expert Koli Cutler, “Music and the Deaf” founder Paul Whittaker, hearing instrument specialist Collin Andersen, Kari Andersen, Adam Kancher, Pam Kancher, Pamela Tonello, Jack Tonello, and New Alternatives for Children executive director Arlene Goldsmith. I’m inspired by the work that all of you do, and I’m so grateful that you took the time to help me. Any mistakes in this novel are entirely mine.

  One of the main themes of The Life Intended is the importance of family, so it’s also important to me to thank my own family, especially my mom Carol, my dad Rick, my sister Karen, my brother Dave, my brother-in-law Barry, my nephew James, my niece Chloe, my godson Colton, and his brother Eddie, my stepmot
her Janine, Aunt Donna, Uncle Steve, Aunt Janet, Courtney Harmel, Anne Walls, Fred Walls, and the rest of my cousins, my parents-in-law Wanda, Mark, Bob and JoAnn, my brother- and sister-in-law Jarryd and Brittany, and the whole Trouba family, who have taken me in as one of their own (although I’m about a foot too short to belong!). Thanks also to my wonderful friends, who have become like family over the years, especially Kristen Bost, Marcie Golgoski, Melixa Carbonell, Lisa Wilkes, Scott Pace, Walter Caldwell, Jon Payne, Christine Payne, Brendan Boyle, Kelly Galea, Amy Ballot, Amy Tan, Courtney Dewey, Amber Draus, Megan Combs, Scott Moore, Megan McDermott Lewis, Trish Stefonek, Robin Gage, Wendy Jo Moyer, Chad Kunerth, Gillian Zucker, Kat Green, Karen Barber, Nancy Jeffrey, Joe Grote, Kathleen Henson, Andrea Jackson, Ben Bledsoe, Jay Cash, Pat Cash Isaacson, Jason Cochran, and Broadway producer/film manager extraordinaire Andy Cohen. And thanks to my wonderful writer friends, especially the amazing Wendy Toliver and the other Swan Valley writers: Jay Asher, Linda Gerber, Aprilynne Pike, Allison van Diepen, and Emily Wing Smith.

  Thanks also to my dear friend Chubby Checker, who has reminded me how very important music can be in life.

  And of course thanks to my kind, intelligent, thoughtful, creative, and oh-so-handsome husband, Jason. I’m a lucky woman indeed.

  GALLERY READERS GROUP GUIDE

  The Life Intended

  Kristin Harmel

  Kate Waithman thought she would only have one great love—her perfect husband, Patrick. But when Patrick is tragically killed in a car accident, Kate prepares for a life that is forever incomplete. Twelve years later, Kate has built an impressive career as a music therapist and is finally ready to move on with her fiancé, Dan. Soon after their engagement, however, Kate starts to have startlingly vivid dreams about the life she would have had if Patrick survived. Even more troubling, some of the details in these dreams begin to translate to real life. There is only one piece of the puzzle that doesn’t fit: a daughter, Hannah, a prodigious piano player who is hard of hearing.

  As Kate struggles to decipher her dreams, she finds herself wondering if her dream life is better than her reality. When she enrolls in a sign language class, she finds herself drifting farther away from Dan and closer to her charming instructor, Andrew. Finally, Kate realizes that she needs to make an impossible choice: cling to a lost past, or embrace a new future. The Life Intended is a captivating novel about the struggle to let go when our memories refuse to be forgotten.

  Topics and Questions for Discussion

  1. Before his death, Kate and Patrick share a special phrase, “I knew before I met you . . . that I was meant to be yours.” How do you think this theme continues to echo throughout the novel as Kate struggles to understand her destiny?

  2. Discuss how karma figures into Kate’s story. Patrick superstitiously collects silver coins and then returns them to the universe when experiencing a stroke of good fortune. How do Kate’s feelings about this habit change? What does it mean when she finally relinquishes Patrick’s last coin?

  3. When Dan proposes, Kate is besieged by memories of Patrick that are still fresh even twelve years after his death. Discuss how familiar relationship milestones can trigger the emotion of past loves. Do you sympathize with Kate in this moment? Or should she focus on moving on?

  4. As Kate is swept into the past, she must also contend with a certainty about her future—her infertility. Discuss her regret upon realizing that she can’t ever get pregnant. How does she react to Dan’s complete indifference to this news?

  5. When Kate wakes up to a dream version of Patrick, she is confronted by a world that is strangely familiar yet full of differences from the life she knew with him. She meets Hannah, a hard of hearing girl who can’t possibly be her biological daughter; finds that her sister, Susan, has a happy life in San Diego; and realizes that she no longer works with children. What kind of trade-offs have occurred in a world where Patrick is still alive?

  6. Kate relies heavily on Gina, a friend who also lost her first husband, for emotional support. Are Kate and Gina alike in the way they handle grief? How are they different?

  7. As both a music therapist and a volunteer for St. Anne’s, Kate consistently witnesses the healing effects that music can have on struggling children. But not all of her students are easy to reach. Who do you think is the toughest shell to crack, and why? How does Kate earn their trust?

  8. As Kate’s dreams become more frequent, her experiences with Andrew are connecting her in new ways to the “real world.” Why do you think she is so drawn to him? What about their pasts bring them together now?

  9. On the day she goes wedding dress shopping, Kate is haunted by the lace gown she wore when she first walked down the aisle. She’s also certain that she sees her dream daughter, Hannah, pass by on the street. Discuss the fine line between being stuck in the past and letting that past inform your future. What is Kate’s gut trying to tell her here?

  10. When Dan says his friend Stephen has accidentally gotten a girl pregnant, Kate feels very conflicted. Discuss this moment in the novel and how it relates to her confession to Joan about wanting to be a mother. How does this moment influence Kate’s decision to call off her wedding to Dan?

  11. Kate tells Dan that “sometimes the greatest things in life come from the greatest challenges.” What do you think Kate’s greatest challenge was at the beginning of the novel? What do you think it is by the end?

  12. During her dreams, Kate realizes that while some parts of her life are drastically different, her essential characteristics and tastes remain the same. How much do you think a person can change over their lifetime? And which aspects of an individual personality are more likely to stay constant?

  13.Kate’s mother reminds her that if she is not careful, “regret will grow in spaces you don’t even know are there.” What do you think she means by this? Do you think Kate finds a way to take her advice?

  14.Although Kate does not end up adopting Allie, she is cleared as a foster parent and finds her way to Patrick’s lost daughter. She also realizes that Andrew might never have made such an impact at St. Anne’s if he hadn’t lost his brother at a young age. While the novel doesn’t necessarily imply that life is fair, it does suggest that there is a balance and order to things. Do you agree with this outlook? Why or why not?

  Enhance Your Book Club

  1. In her dream world, Kate and Hannah like starting the day by making their favorite blueberry and peanut butter pancakes. Grab some fresh blueberries and start your book club by coming up with your own special recipe for this delicious dish.

  2. During her music sessions at St. Anne’s, Kate asks Allie to come up with her own lyrics to a favorite song. Share your favorite song with the book club and discuss how you would adjust the lyrics to describe your life. After she finished writing the novel, Kristin Harmel was inspired to write the lyrics to a song called “The Life Intended.” Listen to it and find out more here: http://kristinharmel.com/the-song/. (Also available on iTunes.) How do you think the lyrics of the song relate to the novel?

  3. In honor of Allie and Hannah, listen to Beethoven’s The Piano Sonata No. 32 in C minor, Op. 111, which he wrote while deaf. Discuss what you hear and how it changes your definition of music.

  4. Patrick’s family has a tradition of “paying forward” good luck with silver dollars. How do you “pay it forward” in your own life? Discuss a family tradition you have, or start one of your own!

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  About the Author

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p; Photography by Robin Gage

  Kristin Harmel is the international bestselling author of The Sweetness of Forgetting, and has also written four previous women’s fiction novels, as well as two young adult novels. Her work has been featured in People, Woman’s Day, Men’s Health, Runner’s World, and Ladies’ Home Journal, among many other media outlets. She lives in Orlando, Florida.

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  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.