Ropes in the Attic

by Edward Flora

  “What can I help you with?”

  “Well, as you know, it’s Peter,” Dani started. “He’s beginning to worry me.”

  “Anything specific going on?”

  “He’s showing signs of falling back into a spiral. I expected some amount of adjusting with our move but things seem to be going backwards now.”

  “You and Peter are a strong pair. I’ve seen you two go through a lot together and come out the other side still standing. Can you tell me what it’s been like since moving to Piermont?”

  “Things started off great. I was really able to see Peter putting in the effort to make things better. It was exciting. He was being sweet with me and commanding control of the move at the same time. Then, it just seemed like slowly, he started to shut down. He’s had a couple of nightmares which threw off his mood. He’s been less approachable, retreating into his writing. Which is fine…I want him to be happy with where he focuses his energy. It just seems like it’s become an escape again.”

  “The thing that worried me the most,” she paused for a moment, “the other day, he ran out of the kitchen, screaming. He claimed there was this girl in a blue sundress walking into the lake out back. William, there was no girl out there. I…I think he’s seeing things. He dove into the lake after something that wasn’t there.”

  Dr. Urbridge sat there. His calm demeanor slowly shifted. The tapping of his pen stopped. His hands grew still.

  “That’s concerning,” he started. “I don’t want to sugarcoat the situation but something most certainly needs to be done. Although rare, hallucinations can occur under a great deal of stress or anxiety. He’s likely having a harder time adjusting to life in Rockland than he is willing to admit. That’s his resilience. It’s one of his greatest strengths but if he’s not careful it can be his downfall. Is Peter showing any signs he may be depressed?”

  “I don’t know,” Dani answered. She fiddled with the cuff of her sleeve. “He seemed to be himself at first but there was a sudden turn at the end of last week.” She paused again.

  “There’s something else,” she continued.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “That’s wonderful.” Dr. Urbridge beamed, his youthful cheeks flushing with color.

  Despite the heavy shock that just hit him head on, William Urbridge couldn’t help but feel delighted at the news. In his time speaking with Peter, he was aware of the couple’s history. He knew the chances of them conceiving again were almost non-existent. However, his enthusiasm was quickly tempered by the reality of the situation.

  Dani frowned. “With Peter in the state he’s in, I’m worried. About him, of course, as well as myself. But now…we’ll have a baby to worry about too. I need to tell him the news but I’m afraid of how he’ll react given the current state of things.”

  “Understandable. However, don’t you think Peter would be happy to hear this news?”

  Pfsstttt

  A spritz of the lavender caught Dani’s attention momentarily.

  “Of course, he’ll be so excited. I’m scared though. I’m afraid he’ll have a panic attack.” Dani replied. “Then what?”

  Dr. Urbridge reached into his desk, pulling out a small bottle of medication. The same he had prescribed to Peter before. He grabbed a script pad and scribbled on it with a pen.

  “Here,” Dr. Urbridge said as he passed Dani the slip.

  “Peter’s going to take the news well,” he continued. “He’s going to be elated. There’s no need for you to worry. However, in the event of a panic attack, you both know the drill.” He handed Dani the medication. “He doesn’t need to take this regularly but if he feels like things are a bit out of his control, it will help calm him down. He has more will than most people. Plus, he has you. You’ll both power through this.”

  “Thanks, William.” Dani stood up extending a hand in gratitude.

  “Of course. I’ll check in on you two. In the meantime, you need to talk to Peter. If things do continue to move backwards, I would recommend the two of you move back home…to Brooklyn. At least there, you guys know you can make it work. There’s nothing wrong with re-grouping, picking back up where you already have a foundation built. There’s no shame in that at all.”

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Dani parked her SUV back in their driveway. She made it home from Brooklyn slightly earlier than she would have on a normal work day. She worried if Peter would notice the difference. Not that him finding out she drove to see Dr. Urbridge was a problem, but whether this was the appropriate time to announce the pregnancy to him.

  “Peter, I’m home,” she said as she entered the house. There was no reply from Peter, but she heard him muttering something from the other room.

  Turning the corning into the living room, she found him pacing the floor.

  “I’m going crazy.” He circled a small area within the living room. His hands went from running through his hair, to his sides, and back to his hair again. His hair was a mess. Most of it had been pushed down against his head, except for one chunk, which stood straight up as a result of him grabbing at it out of anxiety.

  “Peter, what’s wrong?” Definitely not the right time for an announcement.

  “I’m losing it. I keep seeing this girl. The one from the lake…I saw her in the woods today.” He couldn’t keep up with himself. He was trying to get all his thoughts out, but there were just too many to communicate to Dani at one time. “And that woman from the dream? She was there too. It’s like, I can’t even tell when I’m asleep or awake anymore because I’m seeing the same shit all the time.”

  “No, Peter, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Dani approached Peter and tried to put her arms around him. “You’re under a lot of stress and it’s getting the best of you, that’s all.”

  “No, this is too much to handle. This is happening too often. One dream? Fine. I can deal with that” Peter pulled away from Dani’s embrace, his muscles still tense. “But now? Now I’m seeing this shit out on my run.”

  “Peter, it’s okay.” Dani attempted again to put her arm around him. This time he let out a long sigh; his heartrate began slowing to its normal pace.

  “Sit with me, I have to tell you something,” she continued. She needed to tell him about the baby. Just rip it off like a band aid. He needed to know. Maybe it would make a positive difference.

  They sat down on their living room couch together. The slight relief that was on Peter’s face just a moment earlier was fading. No good could possibly come from a conversation that starts off with “sit down, I have to tell you something.” He remained silent, awaiting whatever terrible news Dani had for him now.

  “Okay, I’ll just come out and say it.”

  Peter’s hands felt clammy inside Dani’s hands almost immediately.

  “I really want you to be okay with this, but I did it for you…I went to see Dr. Urbridge today.”

  “Oh.” Peter scratched his head. Not exactly the news he anticipated.

  “Please, before you get angry just hear me out,” she continued. “You have every right to be upset with me. I get it…I just had to do something…anything. For some peace of mind. You’ve been struggling, Peter. It hurts seeing you like this. I didn’t know what else to do. I want to be able to help you. I had no idea where to start, so I spoke to someone who did.”

  “I’m not angry,” he said dully. “I just wish you would have talked to me first.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry about that,” she said. “It’s just…we’ve been here before.”

  Peter picked at the fabric of the couch. “I admit things haven’t been right.”

  “So you’re okay with what I did?”

  “Yes, he knows me well and I guess we could use a little bit of a support system.”

  Dani buried her face in Peter’s shoulder and let out a sigh. “I’m so relieved. You have no idea how worried I’ve been.” Peter said nothing for a moment, so Dani continued. “He gave me this.” She pulled
out the prescription Peter was so familiar with.

  He stood up from the couch and Dani pulled back in fear. “I don’t know,” he said his voice shaking. “Last time those made my headaches worse…and the nightmares. They were terrible. You remember.”

  “I do. I’m not saying you have to take them but if things become unmanageable, there’s always the option. I believe you can do this on your own…we both do. Things can be overwhelming at times, but we’re in this together.”

  Peter nodded again. “I’ll hold onto them. I do want to try…at least for a little while without them. I’ll keep them in my desk.”

  Dani was grateful how accepting Peter was with the situation. She didn’t expect him to react as calmly as he had, especially with the idea of going back on medication. She remembered even before the accident, the first time she ever suggested speaking to someone professionally. He exploded in anger. Furious at even mentioning the idea that he may have a problem. Dani thought he was going to walk out in a fit of rage. Although at the time, he was drowning in booze. He was losing himself. Dani took charge in finding someone for him to speak to. If she didn’t, no one would. It was a battle to get him to go at all, but in the long run, it had worked. More importantly, Peter was grateful for Dani sticking by him.

  Peter joined Dani back on the couch. The sun was setting, and the living room grew dark. A long shadow cast over the vacant spot on the table in the corner.

  The guilt she felt was too much. She never hid anything from Peter before. She told him everything. Telling Peter about the meeting with Dr. Urbridge was important to get them on the right track. However, she needed to tell Peter about the baby.

  In time, she thought…

  “I’m pregnant,” she blurted out.

  Peter stopped. Wondered if he’d heard what she’d just said.

  Unable to speak, the most Peter could muster up was a sharp Ffuhhh. As he exhaled, he swore he felt his soul trying to leave his body.

  “You’re…Preg—but, how?” He did his best to piece together a complete sentence.

  Dani couldn’t help it any longer and began smiling as she nodded at Peter.

  “We’re pregnant,” she said again, looking into Peter’s eyes. Her big hazel eyes had filled with joy. It was such a relief finally being able to break the amazing news to him.

  “I can’t believe this!” Peter finally said as he lunged forward, embracing Dani with tears swelling in his eyes.

  He held onto her tightly, pulled away to look at her in full view. “This is unbelievable!”

  He was nearly hyperventilating and Dani thought an asthma pump would have been more useful now than anxiety pills.

  “I’m so happy you’re taking it so well, Peter. I was afraid to tell you, as silly as that sounds.”

  With that, reality set in.

  Peter stood up from the couch. “But this place…We can’t raise a baby here…can we?”

  “I know you’re worried,” Dani started. “This is a lot to take in. I’m willing to do anything to help as long as you’re okay with it.”

  Peter re-joined Dani back on the couch. Sometimes he just needed to be reminded that she wasn’t going to bolt out the door. Although a simple “it’ll be okay” wouldn’t solve their problems, it helped make the situation an easier pill to swallow.

  Dani continued, “We never thought this would happen for us again. We’ve been given another chance. I don’t expect us to be perfect but I except us to at least try…Try to be there for one another.”

  Peter knew this all to be true. Dani was right.

  He sat there, nodding in agreement as she rested her head on his shoulder.

  “We’re going to be parents,” she whispered.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Peter found himself at the bottom of the Hunter College swimming pool. He had just completed a dive. The muffled sounds of cheers and applause above the surface of the water could be heard…It had been a successful dive.

  He just floated there at the bottom of the pool, his feet touching the concrete floor. The buoyancy of the clear-blueish liquid surrounding his body held him in an upright position. His hair waved freely within the pool water.

  “Where’s my swim cap?” he thought. Not out loud. Had he opened his mouth, gallons of pool water would rush into it, filling his lungs and drowning him. Speaking of which… “How long have I been down here?”

  Weird. To his estimation, it had been around 10 minutes since the dive. However, there was no true way of telling. The giant clock on the wall of the aquatics center couldn’t be seen from the bottom of the pool. However, the grandfather clock conveniently placed at the opposite end of the pool might be able to tell him.

  If I could just swim to the other side of the pool I can see the time.

  As he attempted to propel himself towards the clock, he didn’t even budge. For some reason, communication had been lost between his brain and his limbs.

  I need to get closer to the clock.

  Peter looked towards the pool’s surface to see if anybody above was checking on him.

  Nope, not a soul.

  He reset his gaze to find the clock right in front of him.

  I was right. It’s been 10 minutes.

  How was he still alive if it had been that long? How had nobody in the cheering crowd noticed? The cheering had echoed on for quite some time now…Did anyone care that he has yet to re-surface?

  Someone up there must be a little worried; questioning what was going on as the sounds of cheering people drowned out any possible concern from the few who cared. Peter figured this to be as good a time as any to stop floating at the bottom of the pool and make his way to the surface. He supposed it was his own duty to swim back up and let them know he was alright.

  He sought to lift his arms and swim towards the surface; they remained at his sides.

  Well, this is a problem.

  He tried again but his arms just floated there in the water as separate islands from the rest of his body. Your hands… Peter thought to himself. You can still feel your hands.

  He opened and closed both hands to help return circulation back to his arms. It felt like it was working. At first, only a couple of his fingers twitched in response to his brain’s commands. Quickly enough, full movement returned to his hands and he was able to ball them up into fists. All the while, it remained a mystery how he had not run out of oxygen.

  With enough persistence, full circulation would return to his arms as well, and he would be able to swim to the pool’s surface.

  The warm sensation of blood flowing into his forearms signaled that the hand strategy was working. Keep it going, he thought.

  Finally, his arms were back. To gather himself for the journey upwards, Peter inhaled sharply, only to have no oxygen enter… His eyes shot open at the terrifying realization he was still underwater. The water came rushing into his mouth and lungs.

  Peter opened his eyes gasping for air. He was in bed. Dani lay next to him, asleep. The moonlight created a crack in the darkness on their far wall. He still couldn’t move his arms. He continued to open and close his hands as a stinging pain shot all the way up to his shoulders. The resulting “pins and needles” prickled from the loss of circulation. His arms felt like phantom limbs.

  His breathing became labored as he repeated the physical motions that worked in his dream. His chest expanded as his lungs filled with air. Deep inhales with each breath, just like he used to do before a dive. Little beads of sweat formed on his brow.

  Peter calmed himself as to not wake Dani. He didn’t want to cause her any more reasons to worry. It was growing increasingly difficult to do so as Peter became hyper-aware of his situation. Aware of the numbing pain in his limbs. Of his obscure surroundings…

  It had been years since he had experienced this “pins and needles” sensation. Even though he was familiar with what to do, it was foreign to him. Just as foreign as the room he and Dani occupied. These were not the walls he knew. The walls that surrou
nded him in Brooklyn provided comfort from the outside. These walls gave no such protection. They may as well be translucent. He became aware of the hallway just outside the bedroom. The same hallway that led to the attic’s entrance. That horrible attic. He hated it…and he hated the lake. That damned lake, so easily visible from the office…from the hallway…from the bedroom. The body of water called out to him, mocking him. Teasing Peter from the house’s opposite vantage point. He felt like he was being watched.

  A drop of water fell from the ceiling, splashing onto Peter’s forehead.

  Peter’s discomfort with his surroundings grew. His feelings jumped from uneasiness to loathing. Bringing a baby into this wretched place was unacceptable. Brooklyn was where they were supposed to be. Not this place. He didn’t know this place. Brooklyn was a part of their family unit. This place was an unwanted guest. A moth which flew in from an opened window, landing on the wall. It sits there, mocking you from the corner of your eye, encouraging you to swat at it. It snickers in triumph, flying around your attempt and eventually back out of the window it flew in from. The next day, the damned thing is back. It happens every night for weeks on end until you conclude this is no longer your domain. The space now belonged to whatever you let in.