SCARRED

by Price, Faith

  Serene beamed up at him. “Really?”

  Lawson nodded. “I think you should take a photography class.”

  Serene’s face fell a little. “That’s expensive, and I might not do very well in a class.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, I’m not very smart.”

  Lawson regarded her for a moment. “I think you’re smart. You’ve never been given the opportunity to show it. You just need a little refinement.” Serene didn’t respond. She just stared at him with her impossibly blue eyes. “Do you have a high school diploma?”

  She shook her head. “I have a GED.”

  “That’s the same thing.”

  “Not really.” She said and turned back to the computer screen.

  “You like travel books. What other books do you like?”

  Serene leaned back in her chair and thought about it for a moment. “I read more when I was younger. I liked Alice in Wonderland and other fairytale type stories.”

  Lawson smiled. “I think I’ll get you some books. Reading increases intelligence.”

  “Did you go to college?”

  “Yes.” He replied quietly. “I majored in criminal law.”

  “So, you’re a lawyer?”

  He walked to the couch and sat down. “Not anymore.”

  Serene felt a little disappointed. To her lawyers were right up there with doctors; an unattainable and fascinating echelon of society. “What do you do now?”

  He looked at her slowly. “I’m into investments…of sorts.”

  Serene frowned and drew her eyebrows together. “Oh.” She didn’t press him further. He seemed to be a closing door at that moment. The day had been too wonderful for him to close up now. “I guess tomorrow night you won’t be here?”

  “I’ll have dinner with you, but that’s it for tomorrow.”

  Serene narrowed her eyes turning her hips in the chair. “Are you sure you’re not married?”

  “Quite.”

  Shrugging, she went back to her pictures. Lawson was completely closed to her for the night. Just as well. She thought to herself. I can be moody and distant too! But in reality all she wanted was to hear his laughter ringing in her ears.

  * * * *

  Over the course of the next two months Serene and Lawson became close. Their love making was erratic at best, he often just wanted to talk to her or give her lessons in etiquette. He taught her how to handle herself at dinner, proper place setting for dinner parties, and how to conduct herself like a lady publically.

  Serene practiced cool and formal greetings in front of the bathroom mirror. But the most surprising thing was how many books she was reading. Since he first brought it up, she had read two Charles Dickens books, one Jane Austin, and had moved on to the Bronte sisters.

  Lawson came in one Friday evening and found Serene stirring something in a pot absentmindedly while holding a copy of Wuthering Heights close to her face. When she noticed him watching her, she lowered the book and smiled brightly.

  “This is my favorite one so far! I just adore Heathcliff!”

  Lawson walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “He’s a bit brooding don’t you think?”

  “That’s what I like about him! He just can’t let his true love go! It’s so romantic!”

  Lawson chuckled and looked into the pot. Her cooking skills were improving, but still could use some work. “What’s for dinner?”

  She laid the book down and pushed him aside. With a pot holder she pulled a pan of rolls out of the oven. “I made soup and rolls.”

  Lawson looked at the flattened bread on the pan doubtfully. He picked one up and felt its density. He let it drop back onto the pan with a clunk. “Did you remember yeast?”

  “Mmmhmm.” She said with her book back in front of her face.

  Lawson gently removed the spoon from her hands and guided her to the kitchen door. “The house looks extra clean and you’ve been cooking, let me finish and you go and enjoy your book.”

  Serene smiled. “Well, if you insist.”

  “I do.”

  “Thanks!” she said and kissed him quickly in her usual spot just under the mask.

  Lawson walked back to the pot of soup and sipped a little from the spoon. He winced and threw the spoon in the sink. With a sigh, he began looking through the cabinets to see what he could find to salvage it; the bread went directly into the trash can, which he replaced with frozen ones from the freezer. Thankfully the weekend was upon them and he could cook.

  * * * *

  Theirs was a strange relationship. Lawson and Serene were both to a point where they felt like they belonged to each other. It was easy when they were together, and torture when they were apart. Lawson knew he was dealing with a ticking time bomb. Eventually he would have to set Serene free, or tell her the truth. Both options caused his eyes to water and his stomach to cramp.

  If she knew the truth it was inevitable that she would spit in his face and walk away. He couldn’t bear that. So, for yet another week, he would pretend that she was his, his for good, and enjoy her company and her body.

  He was proud of the slow transformation that was coming over her. She was becoming poised and refined. She still had the mind of a child at times, but Lawson found that endearing, and would never want to completely take it from her.

  They were lying together one night, and Lawson twirled a piece of her wavy hair around his finger. His mind was full of questions that he usually could ignore, but it was to a point that he no longer could.

  “Serene?”

  “Yes?” she said looking up at him quickly. Her latest hobby was crossword puzzles, and she was currently working on a new one. She covered her mouth and coughed dryly.

  “Tell me about your father.”

  Her body stiffened. “Why would you want to know about him?”

  “You never speak of him, and I’m just curious.”

  Serene didn’t want to talk about her father. She didn’t want to picture his face in her mind. The roaring began in her ears, and she counted to ten until it abated. “I prefer to not discuss him, Lawson.”

  “Did he abuse you?”

  Serene bit her lip. What did it matter if he knew? Because he will see you differently. Her mind told her. “He was a difficult man to live with.”

  “I see.” Lawson said quietly. “You don’t remember your mother at all?”

  “A few vague memories. I know she liked to draw. I remember a dark-haired woman that liked to read to me.”

  “How did you say she died?”

  “I didn’t.”

  Lawson knew this, but was hoping Serene would tell him. “Was she sick?”

  “Sort of.” Serene’s voice was barely above a whisper and the roaring had returned to her ears. She coughed again and Lawson noticed her hands were trembling. He looked down and saw a faint sheen of sweat across her forehead. He held her tightly, sorry he had mentioned it all.

  “I saw her.”

  His body stiffened. “What do you mean?”

  Serene had bottled all of it up for a long time. She had convinced herself for years that she didn’t remember, and once she realized she did, she packaged those memories and tried to throw them away every time they threatened to resurface.

  “I saw her hanging.”

  Lawson closed his eyes. He wished with all of his heart he could take back the original question about her father.

  “She hung herself?”

  Serene nodded. “Her eyes were puffy and swollen. Daddy had beaten her again. I barely remember her holding me tightly to her chest. I had been asleep and woke up to her holding me too tightly. I had pushed at her, telling her I couldn’t breathe.” Serene took a deep breath and felt drops of sweat run down the sides of her face. “The last thing she knew of me was my hands on her chest telling her she was hurting me.”

  Lawson let go of her and crawled around to face her. He took her face in his hands just as the tears began to fall. “You cannot blame
yourself, Serene. Your mother was going to hang herself, and she came to you to say goodbye.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How old were you?”

  Serene looked at him with the saddest expression he had ever seen. “I think I was five or six.”

  Lawson didn’t ask her anymore questions right away. He simply held her until the tears stopped.

  After Serene had washed her face Lawson asked about her father.

  “He’s a mean man, Lawson. That’s really all there is to know.”

  “Did he at least try to be a good father to you?”

  Serene looked away and begged the tears to not start again. “He fed me most of the time. He really didn’t know how to care for a kid.”

  “Did he beat you too?”

  “Only when I didn’t do what I was told, or if I was too noisy.”

  Lawson sat back on the bed and regarded the woman before him. She resembled a child now more than ever with her dark hair cascading around her face, hiding the pain. He finally understood how someone as seemingly innocent and beautiful could end up the clutches of someone like Ted. Ted was just like her father. It was an odd occurrence among abused children of the world; once grown they gravitated towards examples of their abusers.

  “I’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much, Serene.”

  She peeked out from her hair and gave him a shy smile. “It’s fine now, Lawson. I have you.”

  Nothing she could have said could have stabbed his heart more. They had been together six months. Half of their allotted time was gone. How am I going to do this to her? Lawson pulled her towards him and breathed in the wonderful scent of her hair. How?

  * * * *

  Serene woke with a start, and looked around the dark room. Lawson had covered her and left her sometime after she had fallen asleep. Her body was aching like she had a fever, but she attributed it to being upset earlier. She knew something had woken her but was still disoriented from sleep and there was a thick feeling in her head. There it was again, voices, angry voices. She crept from her bed on tiptoe and leaned into her door with an ear against the cool wood. The voices were slightly muffled, so she carefully turned the door knob and opened the door a crack.

  “I warned you to never come to my personal home.” Lawson said in a low voice.

  “Bullshit! Your personal home? This is just where you house your whores!”

  Serene felt her blood turn to ice. Ted. A panic ran through her. Was he here for her? Would Lawson send her away? Who are these whores? What number am I? How many have been here before me?

  The questions ran faster through her mind than she could try to formulate an answer for even one. She leaned towards the crack to listen further.

  “Say something!”

  “You don’t know anything about me, Ted, and you know it.”

  “I want what’s mine!” Ted shouted.

  “You have what’s yours, Ted. You have your shitty little house and your pathetic tiny life.” Lawson’s voice was even and deadly sounding. She could smell cigarette smoke and wasn’t sure which one was smoking. Serene hadn’t seen Lawson smoke since the night he had picked her up from Ted’s. A cool draft coming in through the crack indicated the front door was standing open. It was an incredibly cold night.

  “Why did you take my business?”

  “I took my clients and directed their traffic elsewhere.”

  “You’re a lousy son of a bitch, you know that?” Ted’s voice had dropped an octave, and Serene knew that was bad news.

  “Goodnight, Ted, and if you ever come to my home again, I will personally blow your brains all over my lawn.”

  Serene’s eyes widened. She had never heard Lawson speak in such a way. Well, she had seen him pull a gun on Ted the very first night, but she had a hard time reconciling that man with the one that was always so gentle and kind to her. Which one was the real Lawson?

  Serene listened for some type of response, and was beginning to think that Ted had simply left, but she was wrong. His voice came out of the darkness and caused a shiver to run down her spine.

  “By the way, you may have destroyed what little trade I had, but one thing you have belongs to me and only me; I expect it returned in six more months, right on time.”

  “She’ll be free, Ted. I know for a fact she’ll never return to you. I’m going to ensure it.”

  He didn’t wait for a response and Serene heard the front door slam shut. She took a deep breath and opened the door enough so she could step through. Ted’s presence and what he said was bad enough, but now Lawson had confirmed that he had no intention of keeping her beyond the year agreement.

  She could make out his silhouette from the small light he allowed to burn in the living room during the night. She opened her mouth slightly when she saw him retrieve the mask he usually wore from the back of the couch and slip it easily back in place.

  He let Ted see him without the mask, but not me! Why? Anger burned through her and tears stung her eyes. Lawson hadn’t been aware she was listening and he wasn’t aware that she was in the hallway. She heard him mutter something to himself, and walk silently into the dining room. Serene, equally silent, walked up the hallway to the entrance of the dining room. He was sitting in his usual spot with elbows on the table, and his head in his hands.

  She pushed the light switch up to the very top of its slide, and watched the light illuminate him in a glare. His head shot up and for a moment neither of them spoke. Lawson finally leaned back in his chair, with his knees spread wide. His hands dropped in his lap in a defeated way; hanging loosely on the inside of his thighs. His robe was opened and she saw he wore black satin pajamas. She had never seen them before and she honestly thought that was fitting since she wasn’t sure if he was a stranger or not.

  She could almost forget the mask these days. In her mind, it was just a thing he did, like a quirk. He had worn a different mask for the past month. It was almost flesh colored, and was far more appealing than the white one. It also seemed to fit snugger, giving him, although not a natural look, at least a more normal one.

  Lawson looked at her sadly. “How much did you hear?”

  She crossed her arms and glared at him. “Enough.”

  He held her gaze a moment longer before lowering his eyes. “I guess you have some questions then.”

  “Oh, I have plenty Lawson, but I guess the biggest one is why you can answer the door for God knows who in the middle of the night without that stupid mask, but you wear it every fucking time you are around me!”

  Lawson nodded his head. “I understand why that might disturb you, but I prefer to wear it, ok?”

  “No! It’s not ok!” Serene shouted and let her hands drop sharply to her sides, her breath coming out in a wheeze. “What’s the deal between you and Ted?”

  “Meaning?”

  Serene brought her hands up in front of her like claws. “You are so infuriating! What is your relationship with him? Did you know him before the night you picked me up?”

  “Yes. He worked for me.”

  It was more than Serene could comprehend. “Wait! Ted is a petty drug dealer, you said you were an investor…” she paused and became very still remembering his words, “an investor of sorts.”

  Lawson tilted his head slightly to the side and lifted his chin upward. He had never felt so suddenly tired. “Yes, that’s what I am.”

  “So, you once defended criminals in court, now you simply are one.” She didn’t wait for an answer, turning away and storming up the hallway. She slammed her bedroom door so hard that one of her framed photos crashed to the floor. She felt a moment of guilt at her words. After all, she was just a prostitute, right? She sat on the edge of her bed and clasped her shaking hands together.

  The thing of it was she had put Lawson on a pedestal. He was her knight in shining armor; he had rescued her from prostitution. Now she knew better. She was just a very well cared for prostitute, and a whore is what she would always be.

&n
bsp; Lawson stared after Serene and winced when he heard the muted sound of breaking glass. What have I done? He thought. Most of the truth is out, and she’s never going to forgive me. I will never forgive myself.

  Neither one knew it, but they both spent the next hour not moving, crying for each other.

  Lawson didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. He rose from the table as the first pink hues of the sunrise touched the room. He brewed coffee and walked down the hall to Serene’s bedroom door. He didn’t hear any sound other than an occasional cough coming from inside the room. He turned the knob and was surprised to find that the door opened easily. He could just make out her small frame under the blankets and he went to the window to open the blinds partially.

  He could see her pale face sticking out from the blankets, but he frowned at the sheen of sweat across her forehead. The room wasn’t hot. He gently reached out a hand and touched her cheek. It was burning hot. Lawson pulled the blanket back a few inches and touched the side of her neck with two of his fingers. Her pulse was rapid and he could hear her breathing held a slight wheeze.

  With a frown he tried to shake her awake. She didn’t respond, and Lawson shook her harder. Serene’s eyes fluttered open. For a moment she didn’t seem to recognize him.

  “Lawson,” she rasped “I think the heat’s broken.”

  Lawson ran a hand over her forehead before quickly leaving the room. His open robe fluttered around his calf muscles as he pushed into the kitchen and threw open a draw that held various things in it, like screwdrivers, tape, and he hoped a thermometer. He saw the yellow and white end sticking out from under a pack of batteries. Without shutting the drawer, he hurried from the room and back to Serene. She had pulled the blanket back around her face and appeared to be sleeping again.

  Lawson gently sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the blanket away from her face again. She was shivering as he tried to sit her up.

  “Serene? Baby, come on, I need to take your temperature.”

  Her teeth chattered and she tried to fight against him pulling at her shirt. “No! I’m mad at you!”

  “I know you are. Here, I only need to pull one arm out.”

  Once it was accomplished, Lawson clicked on the digital thermometer and placed it under her arm. It seemed to take an impossible amount of time. Lawson held her against him and could feel her body shake. When the beeper finally sounded he pulled it out and read the numbers out loud.