Meant To Be

by Fiona McCallum

  Emily nodded.

  ‘Well? Is everything okay, or do I need to come home and look after you?’

  Emily smiled softly and shook her head.

  ‘No, what? No, you’re not okay or, no, I don’t need to come home and look after you? What’s going on?’ His face became creased with worry.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ Emily said quietly.

  ‘Oh! Wow!’ His face lit up. ‘That’s great news. Well, it is to me. Are you okay with it? I know we hadn’t exactly planned it?’

  ‘Guess I have to be,’ she said with a shrug. ‘But we’ve got a lot going on,’ she added with a bit of a grimace. ‘The timing’s not exactly great.’ And I’m fucking terrified.

  ‘Well, I’ve always thought people worry too much about the timing of these things. I don’t think you’d ever find the perfect time.’

  ‘So you’re okay with this? Really?’

  ‘Of course. I think it’s wonderful news. Seriously,’ he said, looking intently into her eyes. ‘Oh, wow!’ he said, picking her up again and holding her tight to him and kissing her. ‘Sorry, I’m probably crushing the little one,’ he said, and carefully set her back down.

  ‘I’m not sure there’s much there to crush yet,’ Emily said.

  ‘So how far along are you?’

  ‘No idea. The doctor took some blood, and I’ve just done one of those pee-on-the-stick-test things. And that’s all I know at this point.’

  ‘Oh, so the whole district already knows,’ he said, grinning cheekily.

  ‘Thankfully I didn’t have to go into the chemist to buy one! The doctor gave it to me. It seems they’ve figured out small country towns hold no privacy.’

  ‘Fancy that,’ Jake said lightly. ‘So,’ he continued, ‘did the pill fail? I thought it was meant to be ninety-nine percent effective.’

  ‘Probably is, if you remember to take it,’ she said sheepishly.

  ‘Oh. Right.’

  Emily explained where she might have gone wrong.

  ‘Oops,’ Jake said, grinning.

  She smiled back and let out a small sigh. All would be well. Jake was genuinely excited about it. His eyes were even sparkling.

  ‘So, are you okay with it?’ he asked. ‘You don’t exactly sound over the moon.’

  ‘I’m probably in a bit of shock. And, to be honest, I’m scared.’

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘Everything. Getting fat, being sliced open or ripped apart, never enjoying sex again, being a crap mother, not actually liking it.’ Emily became breathless. She was getting a little hysterical, but couldn’t stop. ‘I don’t feel the least bit warm and fuzzy and maternal,’ she wailed, tears spilling over. ‘What if I’m a terrible mother?’

  ‘Hey, don’t cry,’ he said, wrapping his arms around her. ‘You’ll be fine. We’ll work through it together. Like you said, it’s a shock. That, and what’s going on with Barbara and David is pretty traumatic.’

  ‘But what if I’m cold and horrible like my mum is with me?’

  ‘You’re nothing like Enid, Emily. And there’s more than one type of mother. I’ve had women friends who’ve said they never felt maternal. Some said they felt a rush of love when they held the baby for the first time, and others confessed to never feeling that way about their children at all, despite knowing that they would throw themselves in front of a truck to save them if they needed to. You feel what you feel, you can’t control that. Don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure Enid loves you in her own way. She might not have been the warm, demonstrative, loving mother you wanted, but I’m sure she would’ve done anything to protect you,’ he said, smiling sympathetically and stroking her hair. ‘You just be you and you’ll do great. Anyway, there’s plenty of time for you to get used to the idea. It’s all very new. But I’m glad you felt you could be honest with me about how you’re feeling,’ he added, looking deeply into her face. ‘I love you, Emily. We can get through anything together if we keep talking. Just remember that.’

  ‘I know. Thanks, Jake. I love you too,’ she said, wiping her tears away. She felt much better. Gran was so right when she said that a problem shared was a problem halved. She wasn’t alone; she had to remember that. ‘So how are things going here?’

  ‘Well, I had to fill everything up, so I’ve only just started. I got a call from Bob. He’ll be here tonight. I think they’re going to put together a roster around their own work – all chip in a few hours here and there.’

  ‘It’s a pity I can’t drive a tractor,’ Emily said, glancing across at David’s larger John Deere parked nearby.

  ‘I’m sure you can, you just haven’t tried,’ Jake said.

  ‘Do you think you could teach me?’ she asked. John had never given her the chance.

  ‘I’d love to, but I don’t know enough myself. David taught me what gear and revs to use with this tractor. But his is bigger, so I’m sure it’ll be different. Anyway, hopefully they’ll be back very soon with tales of a false alarm and he’ll be able to finish his own cropping,’ Jake added, clearly attempting to sound upbeat.

  ‘So, you haven’t heard anything?’ Emily asked. She knew he would have said if he had, but she had to ask anyway.

  ‘No.’

  After a pause that neither of them knew how to fill, Jake changed the subject. ‘I’d better get back to it,’ he said with an apologetic grin.

  ‘Yes, you go,’ Emily said, pecking him on the lips and then making shooing motions with her hands.

  ‘Thanks for coming up and telling me straight away,’ Jake said. ‘And don’t worry so much, I think it’s great news,’ he added, giving her a quick hug. He blew her a kiss and strode off.

  ‘Have fun,’ she called as Grace trotted after him.

  After a few more steps, he stopped and turned. ‘Okay if she comes with me?’ he asked, nodding at the dog.

  ‘That’s fine,’ Emily called back, and waved. ‘You have fun too, Gracie.’

  She stood with her hands thrust deep in the pockets of her thick fleecy jacket, suddenly aware of the icy wind rushing around her. She normally enjoyed watching him drive off, in command of the big, powerful machine. It was so manly. But she was getting really quite cold; what was taking him so long?

  Emily waited a few more moments and then got back into the car to wait. Maybe he was checking the air seeder or something. But he was taking ages.

  And then Jake’s long, lean frame appeared behind the machine and he was walking back towards her with Grace beside him. This time his stride was slow and heavy. What was wrong? What could have happened in the last minute and a half? Had he suddenly realised the impact of them bringing a child into the world? Was he having second thoughts? Then she saw the mobile phone in his hand.

  Emily got out and went over to meet him. His face was ashen, his lips fixed in a grim line. Gone were the bright, cheery features, the happiness and excitement twinkling in his eyes.

  ‘David just phoned,’ he said, standing in front of her. ‘Barbara lost the baby.’

  ‘Oh no,’ Emily said, bringing her hands to her face. She looked up at him, his features blurring as the tears filled her eyes. Jake drew her to him and they clung to each other. Emily began to sob, letting go of all the tension, nervousness, fear, and sadness. Amid her sobbing she felt Jake begin to shake as well. He too was crying. They stood there for a few minutes wetting each other’s shoulders until the tears slowed to a trickle and the raw emotion had subsided.

  They parted and looked into each other’s tear-stained, shattered features.

  ‘How are we going to tell them our news? They’ll be devastated,’ Emily said quietly, her chin quivering.

  ‘I have no idea,’ Jake said, shaking his head slowly.

  ‘I’m sure they’ll put on a brave face and say they’re happy for us, but it will tear them apart too,’ Emily said.

  ‘I know,’ Jake said, now running a hand through his hair. ‘It’s all too soon. Perhaps when the dust settles,’ he said, a little helplessly.

  ‘B
ut what if they can never… We’ll be a constant reminder.’

  ‘Em, we’ll just have to wait and see, cross these bridges when we come to them, as they say. Oh, God, what a mess,’ he said, rubbing his hands roughly across his face.

  ‘Did David say how long they’ll be away?’

  ‘No. I think they’re still in shock. They’re going to need some time. I think we’d better organise people to finish the seeding. At least that’ll be one less thing on their minds.’

  ‘Do you think I should call?’ Emily asked.

  ‘I honestly don’t know.’

  ‘God, I wish I was there with them.’

  ‘They probably just need each other right now,’ he said kindly.

  ‘You’re right. But I feel so helpless,’ she said, lifting her hands up and dropping them again.

  ‘I know you do.’

  They turned at the sound of a vehicle and saw a white ute pulling up. Bob Stanley got out and walked towards them. From the grim look on his face, it seemed he had just had a phone call from David as well.

  ‘Hey Jake, hey Em,’ Bob said, and bent down to briefly pat Grace.

  ‘Hey Bob,’ Jake said, accepting the hand Bob offered.

  ‘Hi Bob,’ Emily said.

  ‘Nice to see you, though I wish it were under better circumstances,’ Bob added.

  ‘So you’ve heard?’ Jake said.

  ‘Yes, David just called. Terrible,’ Bob said, shaking his head. ‘They’re such good people, they don’t deserve this.’

  Emily thought she saw tears in his eyes, and looked away. She didn’t want to embarrass him.

  ‘Right, so I can’t stay now, but I can do the night shift,’ Bob said, suddenly all businesslike.

  Better than getting all mopey, I suppose, Emily thought.

  ‘I’ll do a ring-around. We should be able to get enough blokes and machines to knock it off in a couple of days. I hear you’ve got the map of what’s being planted where.’

  ‘Yep, it’s in the ute,’ Jake said.

  ‘Great. I reckon put it in the front of the truck so if you’re not here anyone who comes in knows what the go is.’

  ‘Righto, fair enough.’

  ‘Well, I’d better get back. I’ve left my wife to do a few laps at our place. If she finishes the paddock while I’m not there I might have a gate to replace,’ he said with a smile.

  ‘Hey, before you go,’ Jake said, ‘could you tell me what gears and revs to use for the other tractor? I’m a bit new at all this and maybe Emily here could do some driving as well?’

  ‘Have you driven a tractor before?’ Bob asked her.

  ‘Er, no.’

  ‘Don’t worry, there’s nothing to it. Best you steer clear of first laps though.’

  ‘I’m just about to start the second one here,’ Jake said.

  ‘Good, we’ll put her into that one. Emily, I’ll give you a quick lesson. Wait here while I just show Jake what’s what with the bigger beast.’ He and Jake left with Grace trotting alongside them.

  Emily waited, gradually becoming more and more nervous. She was glad she always carried water in the car – she might be out here for a while. She had her bottle in her hand when Bob came back a few minutes later.

  ‘Righto, come on. Time for tractor driving one-oh-one.’

  ‘Thanks so much for this, Bob,’ Emily said, as she hurried to keep up with his long stride. ‘Sorry you have to do this and get held up,’ she added a little breathlessly.

  ‘No worries. It’ll be good to get a second tractor going right away, anyway. Makes me feel better about not dropping everything over my way. I’ve only got a few hundred acres left. I figured it’s best to just finish and then be free to help David,’ he added.

  Driving a tractor turned out to be quite similar to driving a manual car, though you didn’t start in first and there were two gear levers to worry about rather than one. Once you got going and managed to get to the right revs – revolutions per minute, rather than kilometres per hour – it got even easier. Bob explained that it was important to keep the revs at a constant speed so the seeds went in the ground evenly.

  The main concern for Emily was making sure the far tyne of the huge machine behind her lined up neatly with the edge of the previous lap. There were a few wobbles to start with while she figured out how sensitive the power steering was – very.

  ‘Try and straighten it up next lap,’ Bob said. ‘Otherwise when the crop comes up the lines will be wonky for the whole district to see – and possibly the world, thanks to Google Earth.’

  ‘How embarrassing!’

  ‘Don’t worry about it too much. David will be grateful enough for the help not to be concerned about a few gaps or extra thick patches here and there.’

  In addition to keeping everything straight and at the right, even speed, she also had to continually keep turning her head to check on the gauges showing the levels of the seed and fertiliser in the machine trundling along behind. It was easy enough to drive, but there was so much else to keep an eye on. Thank goodness it wasn’t one of the totally computerised systems. That would probably do her head in. She tried to ignore Jake making his way around ahead of them and concentrate on what she was doing.

  Bob was a good teacher; calm and patient. He stayed for the whole of her first lap, which took over an hour. Finally they got back level with where everything was parked.

  ‘Right. You’ll be fine from here,’ Bob said. ‘You did well for a first-timer. John was a fool not to utilise your skills, stupid idiot,’ he muttered, shaking his head. With that he leapt out, shut the door behind him, bounded down the steps, gave her a smile and a wave, and ran over to his ute.

  Let’s hope I can do all this on my own.

  Emily successfully got the vehicle back in motion and gave herself a little mental fist-pump of achievement before focussing on the speed and direction. Bob had turned off the radio the moment they’d started their lesson. She would have liked to turn off the UHF and shut out the annoying chatter that seemed to have suddenly picked up, but it was her lifeline to Jake across the way. She just had to do her best to block it.

  ‘You there, Em?’ his voice rang out clear amongst the chatter. ‘Got the hang of it okay?’

  ‘Yep,’ she said after retrieving the handset from its hook.

  ‘You’re doing well,’ he said.

  ‘Thanks. It’s not nearly as hard as it looks, is it? It’s actually quite good fun.’

  ‘Tell me that when you’ve driven fifty laps!’ He laughed. ‘I’ll leave you to concentrate.’

  ‘Thanks.’ She hung up the hard plastic handpiece and returned her attention to the dials inside the cab, lines of freshly sown earth on the ground, and gauges and levels on the huge machine behind her.

  Three hours later, the only parts of the paddock not a rich chocolate brown colour were the small sections in the corners that got missed with each lap as the wide machines swept around. Emily had often heard mention of ‘headlands’ on the UHF in the house while married to John. Now she finally understood what they were referring to.

  Bob had explained that because the big machines couldn’t do really tight corners, a gap was left as you swept around the bend of the corner. These were the last parts of the paddock to be done. It was quite fascinating now she was actually a part of it. Once all the laps had been done and all that was left were the gaps radiating out to each of the corners, you drove out one corner, turned around – but being careful not to turn too sharply – and headed back the other way. Thanks to Bob’s instructions, Emily knew exactly what Jake meant when he told her to just drive out the first one and leave the rest to him.

  It was rough driving across the furrows, and she was a bit shaken up by the time she got back to the gate and stopped. But she felt an incredible sense of achievement. For three hours she’d had something to concentrate on other than Barbara and David, and her guilt around her own change of circumstances. For three hours she’d been doing something concrete and pract
ical to help, rather than sitting around feeling helpless.

  She sat with the tractor idling while she waited for Jake to complete the other headlands and pull up behind her. Bright orange late-afternoon sun streamed in the windows. Jake leapt up the steps beside her and opened the door and leaned in. He must have left Grace in the other tractor.

  ‘How was it?’ he asked after giving her a kiss.

  ‘Good, but not exactly relaxing. There’s so much you have to keep an eye on.’

  ‘It gets easier. You did great,’ he said.

  ‘Well, we’ll see how wobbly David’s crop comes up,’ she said with a grimace.

  ‘I’ll take it through the gate for you; it’s a bit of a tight squeeze.’

  Emily vacated the comfy seat and let Jake sit down. She remained standing beside him and watched, fascinated, as he manoeuvred the machine through the gateway that seemed barely wide enough. He parked the tractor in the paddock beside the truck and left it idling. Emily got out and waited beside her car and watched while Jake walked back and brought the second tractor through the gateway. Then he got out and lifted Grace down.

  She called the dog to her so she’d be safely out of the way and then watched as Jake filled the hoppers. She was cold, but wanted to continue being a part of it all.

  Jake had filled the first machine, moved it out of the way, brought the second in, and was almost finished filling the last pair of hoppers when he turned his head towards something in the distance. ‘Looks like the cavalry has arrived,’ he shouted above the pop pop of the little petrol motor running beside them and the drone of the idling tractor.

  Emily looked over, had to shade her eyes from a sudden burst of sunshine, and saw a convoy of tractors, trucks, and utes coming up over the rise towards them. Her heart surged. She’d seen her district band together in times of need before, but it never ceased to choke her up. Even seeing vision on the TV of another community far away doing the same flooded her with emotion.

  You didn’t need to be a born-and-bred farmer to appreciate genuine mateship and camaraderie. She’d heard of farmers banding together to harvest crops for a mate who had been struck down by illness or for his wife and family upon his death, but Emily had never actually been a part of it before. If she wasn’t so awestruck, and there weren’t people about to see her, she’d have retreated to the car for a weep. Instead she swallowed hard and pulled herself together.