Meant To Be

by Fiona McCallum

  If Barbara was there she would have been more likely to try on and see. But her heart wasn’t really in it. The girl was still smiling and showing as much patience as when she had walked in, goodness only knew how long ago, but it wasn’t to be.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ she finally said, ‘but that’s all I have. There’s another boutique down the street. Perhaps try there.’

  Emily admired her tolerance. In her place she probably would have thrown up her hands by now. God, who would work in retail and have to deal with the public day in day out?

  Er, you, Emily, her inner voice said. She almost laughed out loud. Christ, what am I getting myself into?

  At least with a gallery it was more a case of what you see is what you get. She couldn’t imagine a gallery client saying, ‘Oh I like that, but do you have one with more blue in it, or a bit more red here or there?’

  ‘Thanks so much for your help, anyway. You’ve been great,’ Emily said, but was somehow hesitant to leave. She so desperately wanted to get her outfit sorted with minimal palaver.

  ‘I’m just so sorry I couldn’t help,’ the girl said. ‘I hope you find something. But, if all else fails, you can’t go wrong with a little black dress. This one would really suit you,’ she said, plucking one out of the rack and looking expectantly at her.

  Emily looked at it and ummed and aahed. It is nice, she thought, and the shape might look okay on me. It was in a stretchy fabric, so it wouldn’t matter if she changed a bit in the next two months. The three-quarter-length sleeves would hide her not-so-lean arms. She should probably put the blue-grey out of her mind – nothing like that colour seemed to be in at the moment.

  ‘Good idea,’ she said. ‘I’ll try it on.’ She offered the girl a grateful smile and headed into the change room just behind her.

  The patient lass was not so patient when waiting for someone to get out of one outfit and into another. Twice she enquired if everything was okay in there and twice Emily called back breathlessly that it was. Damn dressing to be warm, she thought, as she struggled with her three layers. She hadn’t considered how long dressing and undressing would take.

  Finally she dragged the stretchy black dress over her head and pulled it down and into place. She looked in the mirror and thought it fitted her curvy shape rather well. But she still couldn’t get enthusiastic. Every second woman would be in a little black dress. She was the host, for goodness sake. She’d wanted to look much more striking than ordinary.

  Oh well, better than nothing, Emily thought as she stepped out of the change room and did a twirl in front of the girl. It would work as a fallback if she didn’t find anything else. At least being disappointed was better than being stressed over having nothing to wear.

  ‘Oh, it’s perfect on you. I knew it,’ the girl cried. ‘Do you want to try on any others now you’re undressed?’ she called, as Emily wrestled the clingy garment back over her head.

  ‘Um, thanks, but I don’t think so,’ she called back when she had finally extricated herself. She emerged re-dressed in her jeans and multiple layers, and boots, and put the dress on the counter.

  ‘Would you be able to hold this for an hour or so? I really want to check the other shop before deciding.’

  ‘We do have a full refund policy, even if you simply change your mind. You could take it now and then return it if you find something you like better. It’s entirely up to you though.’

  ‘Oh, that’s very good of you. That would be great. Thanks so much.’

  Emily left the shop with her purchase. She was tired, but relieved she had found something she liked. Her legs were heavy as she moved down the street to the second boutique. She paused in front of the window display, which suggested the shop was targeting an older clientele. And, again, none of the colours looked anything like what she was looking for. But she was there now, so she pushed the heavy glass door open and walked in.

  ‘Good morning,’ called a short, rotund, slightly past middle-age woman with perfectly coiffed grey-rinsed hair.

  ‘Hello,’ Emily replied as the door closed behind her with a thud. The atmosphere in here was totally different to the previous shop – not nearly as warm and friendly. Emily almost turned and walked out, but not wanting to appear rude, started on a circuit of the store. Again the colour she wanted was nowhere in sight.

  ‘Is there a special occasion you’re shopping for?’ the lady asked.

  ‘Yes, a cocktail party for a new gallery that’s opening.’

  ‘Now where’s that then?’

  ‘Sorry? Oh, down near Wattle Creek,’ Emily said, taken by surprise at the woman’s inquisitiveness.

  ‘Oh, I haven’t caught up with that yet. I do hope I get an invitation, I know a few people down that way.’

  Emily remembered the conversations she’d had with Jake about spreading the word as far and as wide as possible.

  ‘The opening is the twenty-fifth of June,’ she said. ‘It’s called The Button Jar. I’ll send you an invite if you like.’

  ‘That would be wonderful. My name’s Mavis,’ the woman said, holding out her hand, which Emily accepted. ‘Thank you. I’ll look forward to it. Now, let’s find you a wonderful outfit. You have a gorgeous figure,’ she said, eyeing Emily up and down.

  Being looked at like that – the way Enid did all the time – made Emily bristle. But she swallowed it down, reminding herself that Mavis was only trying to help her find an outfit that would look good on her.

  ‘Would you, by any chance, have anything in blue-grey?’ she asked.

  ‘This is probably the closest thing I have,’ Mavis said, selecting and then holding up a lace dress in almost the exact colour of the top in Emily’s dream. Her heart surged for a moment. At least the colour existed. But the dress wasn’t right.

  ‘The colour works well on you, but the dress is really a bit too mother-of-the-bride, I’m afraid. Unfortunately I don’t have anything else in that colour. How about this burgundy one?’ Mavis offered, putting the dress back and holding up another.

  ‘No, I don’t think so, thanks all the same. It’s a bit too similar to what we’ve chosen as our main business colour.’ Was that the right way of putting it? Jake kept calling it their corporate colour, but Emily thought that sold the business as being bigger than it actually was.

  ‘Right. Well, you don’t want to feel like you’re in uniform, do you?’

  ‘No, exactly.’ She was warming to Mavis. The lady was a little brusque, but seemed to know about dressing people for specific occasions. And, like the younger woman in the previous shop, was very patient.

  ‘You know, you can never go wrong with black. Always classy, and always appropriate,’ Mavis offered, holding up a sleeveless dress.

  ‘I actually just bought a black dress up the street,’ Emily offered with a grimace, indicating the bag in her hand. ‘As a fallback.’

  ‘Can I see?’

  ‘Um.’ How awkward is this? She couldn’t exactly refuse to show her. ‘Okay.’ She drew the dress out and held it up.

  ‘Perfect choice. I bet the nipped-in waist looks great on you. And the longer sleeve will keep you warm if it’s a cold night.’

  Emily sighed with relief. ‘Thanks so much for saying so. I really wanted something in blue-grey because, I know it’s silly, but I saw it in a dream.’

  ‘That’s not silly at all. Dreams are interesting things. I’m just sorry I don’t have your dream outfit for you. New stock comes in regularly, so pop in if you’re up again before the event.’

  ‘I will. Thanks so much for your help anyway. I’d better get going,’ she said, stuffing the dress back into the brightly coloured carry bag.

  ‘Here’s my card. And I’m serious, I’d love to come along to your opening if you’ve got space on the guest list.’

  ‘Okay. Great. I hope to see you there.’

  ‘Hey there,’ Jake said, startling Emily, who had managed to become engrossed in the novel she’d picked up in the newsagent. ‘How was the shopp
ing?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Are you okay? What are you doing here in the car?’ After leaving the dress shop, Emily had eaten a quiche and salad for lunch, and had returned to the car park to wait for Jake.

  ‘I’m fine, just feeling a bit weary and not really in the mood to shop. It’s not the same without company,’ Emily said.

  ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

  ‘Thanks, but I sort of meant Barbara,’ she replied apologetically. ‘I ended up with a black dress. It’s nothing very special, but it’ll do the trick,’ she said with a shrug.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll look gorgeous,’ he said, leaning in and kissing her. Are you sure you’re all right?’

  ‘Fine, maybe a bit moody. I’m missing Barbara and worrying about them too.’

  ‘Fair enough. Let’s just pick up the chandelier and be off then.’

  ‘I’d rather not go in and see Karen, if that’s okay? I’m just not feeling sociable today. I’ll see them at the opening if they come.’

  ‘It’s okay, Em. I understand. I’ll go in myself.’

  Emily’s strange mood couldn’t be totally explained away by being concerned about Barbara and David. If she was honest, she was bitterly disappointed about not finding the outfit she’d seen in her dreams. She’d seen it as an omen. If she had walked in and found it hanging there right in front of her then everything would have been okay; the business, the opening, Barbara and David and their friendship. But it hadn’t been there. And maybe everything wouldn’t be all right.

  Jake parked a few doors away from the lighting shop so Emily could remain unseen in the car. Within minutes he was back and had stowed the boxed chandelier on the back seat and wrapped a seatbelt around it to keep it secure.

  In bed that night, Jake swept Emily into a tight, comforting hug. He rubbed her belly gently and told her how much he was looking forward to seeing the first ultrasound pictures, whenever that was. He was clearly excited about it all.

  She was still terrified and trying to stay in denial. It was okay for men. They didn’t have the yucky side of it all. The only yuck they had to deal with was cleaning up after the baby. If only Barbara was here to discuss it with, or she got along well enough with Enid. But she didn’t, and she was dreading telling her mother of this new development. Hopefully Enid would prove to be one of those women who was thrilled at the idea of becoming a grandmother. She wasn’t ready to face the alternative.

  Emily fell asleep in Jake’s arms with the thought that she’d better go back to the doctor. It was important to know how far along she was and there was no doubt a heap of other stuff she should find out, like what the next steps were and what to expect going forward. She hoped soon she would start feeling better about it all. It wasn’t that she felt bad about being pregnant, but she was afraid.

  She was always apologising to her belly – silently and out loud – and berating herself for her ridiculousness. What was wrong with her? Pregnancy and birth was a natural, normal phenomenon. Millions of women went through it every year, and the majority of them were ecstatic about it.

  So why not me?

  Chapter Thirty-five

  The following day, Emily pottered around the house trying to pretend she wasn’t just waiting for a call from Barbara.

  Jake spent most of the morning in the office sending images back and forth to the graphic designer and being careful to keep her in the loop.

  By that afternoon the invitations, branding for the stationery and outdoor signage were set, and with the press of a button, Jake put the order in. In the end they had decided to get it all done through the place in Melbourne that he knew and trusted.

  Emily hadn’t been over to the cottage since she’d taken Simone through. She’d liked Jake’s suggestions of tiles and fixtures and fittings, which he’d used before, and had been happy to be spared from having to choose. They had similar taste; both liked to keep things simple, neutral and elegant and leave any ‘jazzing up’ to soft furnishings and other temporary items. It was all running much smoother, and quicker, than she’d ever have imagined. And while she was keen to see how things were progressing, she also wanted to wait and get the full experience of seeing the chandelier in situ after opening the gorgeous glossy front door, just as visitors to the gallery would.

  The painters were just finishing up outside and would come back and do the inside later. They had already done the highlights on the external woodwork in the rich garnet shade that Emily and Jake had chosen as their brand colour.

  White crushed limestone and quartz rubble had been laid out the front so there was no chance of the car park area becoming boggy when it got really wet.

  They’d tossed around ideas for low-maintenance landscaping, but had decided to leave it for the time being. Later they might add a pair of pots with camellias on either side of the front door.

  At present it looked more like a commercial building than a domestic home. And it tied in well with their branding vision: simple, classic, high quality.

  Around three o’clock, Jake came in and said he’d just had a call. David and Barbara had arrived home safely. ‘They were absolutely blown away to find that their seeding had been done.’

  ‘Oh good. I’m sure it’s a huge weight off their minds. And now David can focus on taking care of Barbara.’

  ‘Yeah. He got a bit emotional on the phone, poor bloke. He said Barbara asked him to pass on her thanks for all the food and for doing their washing.’

  Emily felt a little hurt that Barbara hadn’t called herself. But then she caught herself. This wasn’t about her; Barbara needed to do what was right for her, and if that meant not phoning Emily yet, well, that was fine.

  She forced herself to admit that maybe, just maybe, she’d done an Enid; that some of the things she’d done were in part in order to be thanked and therefore get some attention in a situation where she was feeling helpless and left out.

  Oh, God.

  ‘I’m sure she’ll contact you when she feels up to it,’ Jake continued, obviously catching the disappointment in her eyes.

  It was more than that – she wanted to share her dear friend’s pain, ease it, and take some of the burden. Not that there was really any way she could; she couldn’t begin to know what they were going through. But she wanted the opportunity to learn, to help in a more emotional sense.

  ‘She really does appreciate all you’ve done, Em,’ Jake persisted. ‘As does David.’

  ‘Did he say how she is?’ she asked.

  ‘No. But I think she was nearby when he made the call. I get the feeling he doesn’t want her out of his sight.’

  I could look after her, sit with her. She wouldn’t have to say a word, Emily thought.

  ‘Probably a good idea,’ she said instead of voicing her thoughts. ‘How’s everything over at the cottage?’ she asked, changing the subject.

  ‘Great. All on track. Soon we’ll be able to start making it look lived in – well, you know what I mean,’ he said, laughing.

  Emily nodded. She was still so impressed with how quickly it had all come together. She should be beside herself with excitement, but all she could think about was Barbara. What right do I have to be pleased and proud as punch with our dream when they’ve lost theirs? She put a protective hand over her tummy.

  ‘How’s it all going down there?’ Jake asked, nodding at her stomach.

  ‘So far, so good. The morning sickness seems to have gone for now – touch wood,’ she said, putting both hands on the table. ‘Must have been the little one just trying to get my attention,’ she added with a laugh.

  ‘Well, it worked. Should we be getting books and swotting up on what to expect?’ Jake asked.

  ‘Honestly, I think I’d rather not know too much,’ Emily said.

  ‘Okay. But don’t think I won’t be Googling like crazy on your behalf! When do you think we should tell your parents?’

  ‘I think it’s normal to wait until the three-month mark. I don’t even know
yet when I’m due. We need to know that first. Then we can give them a date. It also means we can wait until after the gallery opening.’

  ‘Good point.’

  ‘Maybe we should let Enid get over the engagement before dropping another bombshell.’ What she really meant was that she was keen to put off the announcement for as long as possible. Maybe before too long she’d figure out how to tell her – and be strong enough to deal with the backlash if it came.

  ‘I don’t mind waiting. But they’ll have to know before anyone else – it’s only right.’

  *

  Jake and Emily were still in bed at eight-thirty on Monday morning when the phone rang. With seeding finished, so little left to do on the cottage, and the business side of things pretty much taken care of, they had decided to have a lie-in. They’d be run off their feet again soon enough.

  They had just made love and were catching their breath and luxuriating in the feeling of closeness. Jake extricated himself from Emily’s embrace and leant over to pick up the phone handset.

  ‘Hello,’ he said. He looked at Emily. ‘Oh hi, Barb. How are you doing? Yes, she’s here, I’ll put her on.’ He handed the phone to Emily, who was now sitting up.

  Her heart started to race. God, what do you say to a friend who has just lost her baby?

  ‘Hi Barbara. Welcome home.’ She was disappointed with how inane she sounded – how normal – but it was the best she could do.

  ‘Thanks so much for all you did,’ Barbara said.

  ‘It was nothing. I wanted to do something for you, and…’ She stopped herself, started again. ‘You’re my best friend, Barbara. If there’s anything I can do, anything at all, you only have to ask.’

  ‘Actually, there is one thing,’ Barbara said quietly.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Can you come out this morning for a cuppa? I need some human company. And some help to eat all the cake and biscuits.’

  The last comment was probably meant to be an attempt at humour, but Barbara’s voice remained tight and flat. She sounded so low. Emily’s heart ached for her. She so badly wanted to make it better, but knew she couldn’t. Barbara and David would never be the same again, but hopefully they would regain their humour and easygoing personalities. It would take time.