In Too Deep (Wildfire Lake)

by Skye Jordan

  “I wanted to—” I start.

  “I ran into—” she says at the same time.

  “Go ahead,” I say.

  She hesitates, then says, “I ran into Bri in town.”

  I wait.

  “Man, what a shitty week it’s been. First whatever the hell is going on with you, then all these problems in town, and my parents. Fuck me. I want to go back to bed and wake up next year.”

  “What problems in town?” That seemed like the lesser of all noted evils.

  “It’s not important.”

  “It is to me, especially if I can do something about it.”

  “You’re not going to change people’s perception of me, and maybe I don’t deserve it anyway. After talking to Bri, I realized that I hurt you more than I was willing to admit to myself, and I don’t think the animosity from the people in town is just because of the property or Grandpa. I think it’s equally attributed to the way I left you.”

  I blow out a breath. “I never thought of it like that.”

  But all sorts of comments from the past roll back in and take on new meaning. The women who told me I couldn’t fall in love with them because I was still in love with Laiyla. The rumors around town that I was a commitment-phobe. The way everyone doubted any new relationship I was in and warned women not to fall for me.

  And, yeah, I heard the whispers behind my back, maybe even self-perpetuated the theories by proving everyone right. I hadn’t been trying to, but in the end, I guess I had.

  “Other people saw how much I hurt you,” she says, “and in a town like this, there’s going to be resentment, worsened, no doubt, by the fact that I’m an outsider, and you’re a home-grown staple. I could shower the town in cash right now, and they’d still resent me.”

  Her gaze returns to the pool below. “I honestly didn’t know how deeply I hurt you until today. Of course, I knew the breakup hurt both of us. I missed you for a long damn time, but I wasn’t your first girlfriend, and I knew I wouldn’t be your last. I guess I just expected you to rebound. I know you loved me, but as I got older, I saw it as puppy love and convinced myself you probably barely remembered my name. Maybe it eased my guilt over leaving.”

  She’s making me think about things that bend my brain and grip my heart after a decade of hiding everything. And fuck, they hurt.

  “So, as for what happened on the boat—” she starts.

  I press my fingers to her lips. “What happened on the boat was all me, so don’t apologize.” I pull my fingers from her lips, and she winds her hand around mine. “It’s hard for me to explain what happened. I’m still trying to figure it all out myself, but I want you to know I wasn’t trying to be an asshole. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Somewhere between the lust-driven start and the emotional finish, I found something broken inside me. I shut down, and I didn’t know how to open back up again.”

  When I look at her again, tears are sliding down her cheeks. I take her face in my hands and kiss her, sipping up the salty taste, my lips finding their way to hers. The last week without touching her has been a fucking eternity, and the way she kisses me back strikes a match, setting me on fire. I force myself to put on the brakes and pull away.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, little more than a whisper. “I’m sorry I was so weak. That I couldn’t go against my parents. Even with Grandpa’s support, I wasn’t strong enough. And I regret it in so many ways. You’re an amazing man, and you should have an amazing wife, amazing kids. I’m so sorry if I derailed that for you.”

  Oh man, that hurts to hear, because I do want an amazing wife and amazing kids. But in my heart, she is that amazing woman and it’s our amazing kids. “Laiyla, are you really only here to fix up the marina and sell? Are you really planning on going back to LA?”

  She lifts her head, and I see confusion in her wet eyes. “I… It’s…” She rolls her eyes to the rock roof and blinks several times. “I don’t even know anymore.”

  “Thing is, Laiyla, I’ve been away. It was a great experience, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but this is where I belong now. I would have followed you anywhere twelve years ago, but now my focus is on my family. I want to be here to watch my nieces and nephews grow up. I’m thirty-two, and I want a family someday while I’m still young enough to play with my kids.”

  I realize as I say this that there is a very real possibility that while Laiyla may be my One, I may not be hers. And in that split second, I see my past as my future. I see myself choosing the best option out of the women I date to marry. To have children with. And the idea of living the rest of my life with my second choice is just too painful to comprehend.

  “Here’s the truth,” I tell her. “I’m not looking for two years. With you, I’ve never been able to think short-term. With you, it’s always been forever. So if you really think you couldn’t find a way to live here and be happy, then we have to stop everything right here. I don’t have two years to spend with you if you already know it will never be more than that.”

  14

  Laiyla

  “Well, shit. No pressure.” I rub my hand over a damp, heated forehead. “Seriously, you’ve just given me the worst ultimatum ever.”

  “Damn.” He closes his eyes. “I mean…” He shakes his head. “I’m not saying things very well.”

  “Just the opposite. You’re very clear. The problem is you just basically told me it’s all or nothing.” My ribs feel too small, and my heart is pounding against them like a hammer. It hurts like hell, and I can’t seem to get enough air. “That’s so unfair. I haven’t seen you in twelve years. I’m back for three weeks, and you’re giving me this forever-or-it’s-over choice. You’d never force someone you’re dating to make that kind of decision after three weeks.”

  “You’re not just a woman I’m dating. We have history. A long, amazing history.”

  “That was over a decade ago. Your expectations aren’t realistic. How would you feel getting that kind of demand?”

  He exhales, drops his elbows to his thighs, and rubs his face with both hands. “You’re right.” He shakes his head. “I don’t understand this chaos inside me.”

  The truth is, we’re both emotional messes. We might have formal education and worldly experience behind us, along with plenty of attempted relationships, yet it feels like our emotions are caught in a time warp, and our feelings are those of the teenagers we’d been when we were in love.

  All those thoughts bring on a revelation. One I know I need to act on before I lose the nerve. I balance one hand on his thigh, pull my feet under me, and step across him, then lower to straddle his lap. His hands immediately grip my hips, balancing me. I take his face in my hands, and he looks up at me with a combination of misery and affection.

  “But a decade ago, or not,” I tell him, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. And even though this is all happening really fast, the fact that I still feel this way about you all these years later means something.” I comb my fingers into his hair, pushing it off his forehead. “Can you give me some time to get used to the idea? I’ve had a lot of major changes in my life over the last few weeks. I’m still spinning.”

  Hope lights his eyes. “Yeah. I can do that.”

  “I think we need time to build trust again.”

  “Good idea.”

  I smile and press my forehead to his. “I love it when you agree with me.”

  He laughs, his eyes fall closed, and relief eases the lines of his face.

  “I want you,” I tell him.

  His lids open halfway. “Yes.”

  “Yes, what?”

  “Yes, to anything you want. Most especially when it’s me.”

  “Now we’re talking.” I lower my head and meet his hungry mouth with my own. All our emotions float at the surface, making for a very intense current between us. Our kisses are deeper, hotter, sexier, needier.

  His hands slide beneath my tank and up my back. He drags off my top and pushes it between the rock and my knee
. Next, my running bra, and he pushes it under the other knee. I go all soft over the thoughtfulness, then he drops his mouth to one breast, and the thought of “soft” is blown away. I push up on my knees, and he drags my shorts and panties down my hips. I work them off my legs while he’s already touching me. I get one leg free as his fingers find my heat and sink deep.

  “God…” The pleasure is intense and lightning fast. I’m trying to work his jeans open, but his arm is in the way, his hands and mouth creating crazy sensations.

  No one has ever known my body like this. He’s hitting every last hot spot at the same time, and I can’t help but move, enhancing all the sensations.

  He breaks the suction on my breast. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

  I finally knock his arm out of the way, and his fingers slide from my body, which is fine, because I need more. “I don’t remember this being so complicated when we were kids.”

  He laughs, just a chuckle, but the more I struggle with his zipper and his jeans, the harder he laughs. When I pull him free, he’s not laughing anymore, and I take no extra time getting him inside me. When I sink down on him, we echo twin moans of pleasure.

  Now that he’s filling me, the raw edge of need is sated, and I slow everything down. I stop moving and just kiss him. Comb my fingers into his hair, score my nails over his shoulders and down his arms. Luxuriate in the feeling of him filling me. Completing me. I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere more than right here, with him.

  I thread our fingers together on both hands and begin to move. Levi watches me, lust brimming in his eyes, love radiating from his expression. He’s always made me feel beautiful and sexy and powerful. And now, I watch as desire heats his eyes. He tilts his head and kisses my shoulder, my throat, my jaw, murmuring my name in between. He’s long and hard and hot inside me, and riding him makes it easy for me to climax.

  Levi lets the first wave crash, then pulls his hands from mine, grips my hips, and grinds. The friction quickly draws another orgasm. And when he’s ready to find his own pleasure, he waits until I am too, and we come together.

  Exhausted from physical and emotional stress, I rest my forehead against his shoulder as I catch my breath. I tingle for the longest time afterward. I’ve never felt this good with anyone else. With anyone other than Levi, the after process is painfully awkward. But with Levi, it’s just…right. Natural. Comfortable. We’re both breathing hard, and Levi leans back against the wall again, lazily twirling a strand of my hair around his finger.

  “I don’t wanna go back to work,” he says. “Let’s call in sick.”

  I laugh and lift my head. “If only.”

  “The drawback of self-employment.” He drops my hair and runs a knuckle along my jaw. “Have dinner with me tonight?”

  That shouldn’t feel like too much, but it does. “KT said she’d have a boat ready for move-in tonight. We’re going to do it together.”

  He sighs. “Okay. Maybe tomorrow?”

  I bite my lip. “I’m having enough trouble in town without having everyone talk about how I’m just going to hurt you again.”

  His gaze holds mine, and I can read what’s sliding through his mind. He’s doubting my feelings for him. My commitment to this relationship. And if he’s worried about it now, I see trouble in our future. I’m having a hard time seeing a way to fix it that doesn’t include making me feel boxed in, and I realize in that moment, I’ve gone from feeling boxed in with my parents to feeling boxed in with Levi. Not the same thing, of course, but there are still expectations, and I’m still as lousy at getting out of them now as I’ve always been.

  I slide my hand to his jaw and kiss him. “Let’s do this one step at a time for a bit.”

  15

  Laiyla

  I lean on the cart’s handle as KT, Chloe, and I stroll down an aisle at the local kitchen store. KT finished replacing the collection and freshwater tanks on the Georgie Pie and repaired the sewage pump on the main dock. We’re still deciding who should move in, but whoever it is, we all need the same basic kitchen supplies.

  It’s a nice break for me from the stress that has plagued me with Levi. While I was with him, the commitment to give this relationship serious consideration had been real and heartfelt, but now, thinking about what that entails, I’m starting to feel squirrely again.

  “Since you’re the only one with a guy,” Chloe says to me, “you should move onto the Georgie Pie. With a man like Levi, you’re going to need a lot of privacy.”

  Something prickles uncomfortably beneath my skin, but I don’t know what or why.

  “What’s that about?” KT asks. “Why does needing privacy with Levi make you clench your teeth.”

  I release a heavy sigh, then look up and down the aisle, making sure no one can overhear; still, I lower my voice. “He’s putting me in a tight spot. Making me an all-or-nothing ultimatum. Says a two-year commitment isn’t enough for him. That he doesn’t want to waste that time with me when he could be starting a family.”

  KT frowns hard. “Excuse me?”

  “He didn’t say it in those words, but that’s how it felt to me.”

  “Well, he is at an age where people have children if they’re going to have children,” Chloe says. “I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that. Do you guys want kids?”

  “Not me,” KT says. “I wouldn’t know what to do with a kid. And a husband is really nothing more than a big kid. Count me out.”

  “What?” I say. “You’re just going to hook up with hot guys the rest of your life?”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  Chloe and I share a look and shrug at the same time.

  “You’ve got us there,” I say. “What about you, Chloe?”

  She tilts her head and smiles a little. “The idea is a beautiful one, but I’m already thirty, and I don’t see myself settling down with anyone anytime soon. I’m still healing.” She glances at me. “You?”

  I exhale. “That’s another thing. He wants kids, and I guess I gave up on that dream when I kept failing at relationships. My parents never push me or even talk about grandkids. Their focus is all on the career. Now, that idea is so foreign to me, I don’t even know anymore. And the way Levi’s talking, the sooner he could have kids, the better.”

  “Aw,” KT says. “It’s so hard to be so loved.”

  I frown at her. “What?”

  “You’re stressed about being so completely loved that he hasn’t been able to get over you after twelve years,” KT says. “And he’s still so in love with you that after only a few weeks together, he knows you’re still The One.”

  “Still the one, I want to talk to in bed,” Chloe starts singing and dancing down the aisle. “Still the one that turns my head…”

  KT and I give her a look and her performance fizzles. “No fun.”

  “Come on,” KT says. “I’m not the romantic here, but even I see that as pretty fucking amazing.”

  “Okay, yeah, you have a point.” But tension crawls into my fingers, and I shake out my hands. “Gah, why does this stress me out so bad? He’s amazing. A-ma-zing.”

  “He is,” Chloe and KT say in unison.

  “And, yeah, of course I have feelings for him. Locking this down so soon just feels so…intense and final and confining.”

  “Why?” KT asks.

  Good question. “What if I don’t like living in a small town? Mind you, it’s also a small town where a lot of people hate me.”

  “You know,” Chloe says, “that could just be PTSD from your parents.”

  KT nods. “You’ve spent your whole life following their rules. Go to this school or you’ll never make it in the world. Wear this dress or you won’t be valued. Date this person or you’re wasting your time. And now you have Levi saying, commit or I walk. Which is interesting coming from the king of commitment issues.”

  “I see that as a sign he’s completely sure about his love for you,” Chloe says. “Not trying to force you into his idea of someon
e else, which is really what your parents want.”

  “And we need to do a reality check on your small-town issue,” KT says, “because you’re thirty minutes from Santa Barbara. You’d be able to get your upscale-city fix at just about any store your heart desires. You’re fifteen minutes to Solvang, which is adorable with amazing restaurants. Maybe it’s not downtown LA, but it’s not some farming community in Iowa either.

  “And if you’re being honest, you’ve never loved LA. You’re there because your parents are there and your job is there. You’ve also told us in the past that your life is so hectic, you don’t even have time to make friends or enjoy a night out.”

  All valid points. “You’re smashing all the blocks in my wall.”

  “The people here won’t hold a grudge once the marina is up and running,” Chloe says. “And when you and Levi are together and happy, I think you’ll end up becoming the town’s favorite couple.”

  “Even that feels like an expectation. It’s all so…heavy.”

  We go silent while Chloe looks at a utensil set. She adds it to the cart and says, “I think if you put all the pros and cons about staying here and committing to Levi on paper, you’d be overwhelmed with pros.”

  It only takes a second for me to realize that’s true. And for some bizarre reason, taking that organized step to handle this logically helps my stress. “Good idea. I’m going to do that when we get back.”

  “Ooo, can we do it together?” Chloe asks like a kid. “That sounds fun.”

  I laugh and shake my head. “Sure, why not?”

  “So, maybe Georgie Pie would be better for KT, then,” Chloe says, “because Levi’s house is at the end of the lake, where you’ll have all the privacy you will desperately need with that man.”

  I cut a smile at her. “For someone who’s celibate, you sure do focus on sex a lot.”