How Hard Can Love Be?

by Holly Bourne

  The sign for camp came up ahead – first a dot, then it was readable, then we turned into the forest and the sign was behind us. And I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to know him. What I knew wasn’t enough. It had only started some reaction in me – who are you, Kyle? Tell me more, Kyle. I want to be near you, Kyle. I want you to want to be near me.

  We slowed to a crawl as we got to the camp car park. I felt like crying. All I’d ever done since I came to camp was feel like crying. If I reached out and touched his face, would he take my hand? Would he kiss me, right here? If I let him know I wanted it?

  I thought maybe he would.

  But then what? That sign we’d just driven past, I’d be driving past it again in a few weeks. For ever. And putting an ocean between me and him, him and me, and everything we may or may not be.

  And I would crumble…

  “We’re here,” I said, hollowly, as he parked.

  “We are.”

  I was about to say something else, but I saw trouble on the horizon.

  “And so are the kids.”

  A collection of them were running at the car, hooting with excitement at our return. They began smacking on the windows, yelling, “You’re back, you’re back.”

  I looked at Kyle.

  Kyle looked at me.

  Our time alone was over.

  SITUATIONS THAT ARE DESTINED TO FAIL:

  Honesty about your feelings

  +

  Dishonesty about where you spent the weekend

  Twenty-three

  Mum hugged me so tight I thought she would break me when I got in.

  “Amber, honey, how was LA? I missed you!”

  I hugged her tight back – half loving it, half hating her.

  “It was only two days.”

  And you didn’t seem to miss me for two years.

  She wouldn’t let go. “Well it seemed much longer. Thanks again for being so understanding. We were SWAMPED at the centre, I swear I’m dead on my feet.”

  I released the hug, as I still had my bag in my arms and it was starting to hurt.

  “I’m just putting this in my room.”

  “Okay, then you can tell me all about it. I want to see your pictures. Did the guys get one of you by the Hollywood sign? Isn’t LA AWFUL? I knew you’d hate it. Are the others back yet? Would you be able to help with dinner in the hall later? I know you’re supposed to be off until tomorrow morning, but it would be great if you could help out…”

  Her voice faded away as I pushed into my bedroom and plonked my stuff on the bed. Shit! Pictures! I’d taken no photos. I’d barely even made any sketches. The only thing in my sketchpad was a drawing I’d done of Kyle the night before, in the motel, and, yes, I’m aware of how totally disturbing that is. He’d fallen asleep first, but I hadn’t been able to. Just having his body so close to mine… It was like bursts of electricity were flying off me, onto him, like when you accidentally give someone a static electric shock on a trampoline. I gave up on sleeping. I couldn’t resist drawing him – like that – the way he still looked sad, even in sleep, the way his tight jaw looked so stark against the softness of the pillow.

  I couldn’t show Mum that drawing, could I?

  I could still hear her chatter through the walls, and I knew I was supposed to feel happy. She cared, she’d missed me, she wanted to hear all my gossip. But there was no space in my heart for her at that moment. It felt all trodden on, and ripped open, like someone had tried to wring the juice out of it. Kyle and I hadn’t even said goodbye properly. I mean, why would we? We would see each other at dinner, with the kids all around us.

  I’d just said thank you, and he’d said no problem, and that was that. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t, it wasn’t. Everything had changed, everything was different.

  I flopped face down on the bed, inhaling the foresty smell of my bed linen, and let myself remember the previous day – climbing through the rainbows, the coldness of my face in shadow just before he kissed me.

  I wanted to cry.

  I was so lost.

  I needed help.

  I got out my mobile phone and switched it on for the first time since leaving England. It would cost at least three quid just to connect to an American server or whatever. I didn’t care.

  I messaged Lottie and Evie right away.

  Videotime? SOS. America has broken me.

  I checked the time as I hit send. It would be the middle of the night over there. They’d be asleep. But just knowing I’d spoken to them, even by text, helped.

  I took a deep breath, picked myself up off the bed, and went to chat to Mum.

  It was a mistake, to have not even thought about what I would’ve seen in LA.

  “So, did you get the others to show you the movie stars’ homes?” Mum asked, over a cup of herbal tea.

  “Umm.”

  “Which one was your favourite?”

  “Umm…” Quick, think of a celebrity. “Oprah’s?”

  “Oh, I never saw that one. Whereabouts does she live?”

  “Umm…” Quick, brain, think of a place in LA. “Malibu?”

  Mum nodded. “Of course.”

  Bumface Kevin joined us, sitting right next to me on the couch, which I didn’t appreciate one bit.

  “So, who all went?” He made this slurping sound with his tea.

  Think, brain, think think think.

  “Umm, Melody? Bryony? Wayne? And, er, loads of others.”

  “And what did you do in the evening? You guys didn’t try and get into clubs, did you? You’re underage.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Like I’d tell you if we did. I don’t want you to fire all my friends.”

  “Don’t take that tone with me.” Kevin tried to use his nice voice, but undertones of pissed-off-ness shone right through.

  “She has a point, Kevin,” Mum said, stunning me. “We shouldn’t know what the staff are up to in their time off.”

  Kevin bashed his tea down with just enough violence to make us both flinch. Immediately Mum began backtracking. “I mean, of course, you still wouldn’t do anything like that, would you, Amber? And the staff know the rules, don’t they? We can’t have you breaking the law.”

  I looked from Mum, to Kevin, back to Mum again.

  “Relax. We didn’t drink or go anywhere we shouldn’t.”

  Which I’m sure was a lie.

  Mum had her pinched face on. I felt uneasy at what I’d just seen. I didn’t like Mum’s franticness to placate him.

  “So you’re becoming friends with Melody and Bryony now? That’s nice. I thought it was about time you branched out,” Mum went on.

  I crossed my arms. “Branch out from who?”

  “Well, you know how I feel about Kyle… He’s a manipulative boy. Lovely, yes. But there’s a lot going on underneath.”

  I almost laughed. Mum, giving me a lecture on who was manipulative. Well, I could play that game.

  “Yeah, Melody and Bryony are lovely. They really cheered me up about the fact you cancelled the weekend…”

  Mum and Kevin looked up at each other at exactly the same time – I saw them silently unite.

  Kevin defended her first. “Now, Amber, you know how important your mum’s work in the centre is…an important part of recovery is giving back and—”

  “I can’t believe you’re trying to make me feel bad,” Mum interrupted. “For doing volunteer work! Honestly, Amber, I didn’t raise you to be so selfish.”

  You didn’t raise me at all…

  I was stupid enough to say, “Really, you didn’t?”

  Kevin knocked his tea over as he stood up.

  “You say sorry to your mother immediately.”

  “Honestly, Amber, why would you say that?”

  “It’s my house. You can’t talk to us like that in my house.”

  “Are you trying to make me feel bad? Because, guess what, it’s working. Happy now?”

  As their yells rolled over me, I retreated into myself, blocking it out… Kyle
understood. Kyle got why I was hurt. And yet I hurt him in return.

  What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?

  I stood up too.

  “I’m sorry, okay? I just wanted to spend the weekend with my mum. Is that so terrible? Aren’t I allowed to be disappointed? Even if that makes me selfish?”

  I went to the sink and picked up a dishcloth, wiping up Kevin’s spillage.

  They were both quiet. Mum started sniffling, but I knew she wouldn’t cry. She never did. Not really.

  Kevin regained his composure, pulling out his most patronizing I’ve-had-professional-counselling-training smile.

  “I understand why you were disappointed,” he said, all calm. “But do you think it’s fair to make your mum feel bad? She’s been so looking forward to having you stay. We’ve bent a lot of camp rules to have you here. I know you’ve travelled a long way, but we can’t just stop our lives because you’ve come to visit.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Not one word of that was fair. This was my first visit in TWO YEARS. I hadn’t seen my mother in TWO YEARS. And, yet, I was SELFISH for wanting to spend just TWO DAYS with her…

  Mum was nodding.

  Of course she was nodding.

  I didn’t know how much hurt I could take. How much more twisting my heart could handle. I’d been broken the day I’d stepped on the aeroplane, and I’d thought this summer would mend me. But I felt more broken, if that were possible. At least the girl stepping onto that aeroplane had hope…

  I couldn’t be arsed to fight. There was no point.

  “Isn’t it time for dinner soon?”

  SITUATIONS THAT ARE DESTINED TO FAIL:

  Awkward reunions

  +

  Spaghetti

  Twenty-four

  Dinner, as normal, was chaos. The weekend staff had definitely lost their sheen. They all had big dark circles under their eyes and a tendency to flinch at anything.

  I was so nervous about seeing Kyle. Okay, it had only been, like, two hours, but the dynamic was totally different now. And we had a secret, sort of. I mean, it needed to be a secret. If Mum found out I’d lied to her and run off with some boy, she would go mad. Especially if it was him.

  Whinnie hugged me the moment I got in the hall.

  “Amber, I’m jealous. You look so rested!”

  Calvin spotted me from behind his stuffed jacket potato, and knocked over his chair to run over and hug me.

  “Dooph,” I said. “Did you miss me then, Calvin?”

  He let go and shrugged, all trying to play it cool. “A little bit.”

  I ruffled his hair and he batted me off. “What did I miss?”

  “I won a rosette for the painting you helped me with.”

  “That’s amazing, go you!”

  “And, did you hear we’re having a dance? Right here in the hall? Next week?”

  Whinnie nodded. “That’s right. We’re having a dance.”

  Calvin pulled at my T-shirt. “Will you dance with me, Amber? Will you? Will you?”

  I nodded. “Of course… Now, go finish your tea.”

  He smiled. “It’s so weird that you call it tea…”

  “Go on.”

  Whinnie handed me an apron and I joined her behind the doling-out table, dispensing spaghetti hoops. I ladled out slop onto their plastic plates with dividing bits, deliberately saving the nice looking side of the spaghetti for myself.

  “So, how was LA?” Whinnie asked, in a quiet lull in the queue. Most of the kids were already eating. The hall was packed, most of the seats taken, kids laughing and shovelling food down themselves. Mum and Kevin were already eating at the top of the hall. I caught Mum’s eye and she gave me a sad sorry-for-herself smile. I smiled back weakly.

  “It was great,” I replied, in that high-pitch voice that always comes out when you’re lying.

  Charlie Brown came over for seconds.

  “Not till everyone’s had their firsts,” Whinnie said. “Amber and I haven’t even eaten yet.”

  He skulked off, kicking the floor in annoyance, and we were alone again.

  “That’s weird,” she said. “Because the others aren’t even back yet… And on Saturday morning, they were all saying Kyle had disappeared.”

  I dropped my ladle into the spaghetti and the handle sank into the sauce. I swore and got my hands covered with neon red goop trying to pick it out.

  “Oh, is that right?”

  “And you weren’t on the minibus with everyone else.”

  “I wasn’t?”

  “Amber. The minibus isn’t even back yet, and you’re here. You are quite obviously not on the minibus.”

  I looked down at myself.

  “Oh yeah. I guess I’m not.”

  “Were you with Kyle?”

  Just as I was stuttering, he was there. Back in his camp T-shirt, his sleeves rolled up to show off his arms. His usual massive grin stretched all over his face.

  I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him.

  “Kyle!” I dropped the ladle again.

  “Hey, you want me to take over so you girls can eat?” He was talking to me all normally – like we hadn’t kissed at the top of a waterfall, like I didn’t know about his Andrew Lloyd Webber collection…

  “Oh, hey, yeah, that would be…great…wouldn’t it, Whinnie?”

  Whinnie was looking at each of us in turn, not missing anything.

  “Yeah, thanks, Kyle.” She pushed her glasses up her nose.

  “Amber, you’ve got sauce all over the handle!”

  He was behind the counter and budged me with his butt to move me out the way. The tiny physical contact made my whole body burn. He really was pretending nothing had happened. I felt our little world slip away, like trying to hold water in my hands… I didn’t want to lose it… Even though it was all my fault, I didn’t want to lose it.

  “Oh, yeah, sorry.”

  Kyle fished it out and wiped it on the front of the apron he’d put on. Why did he still look like that in an apron? Whinnie and I grabbed some trays and helped ourselves to spaghetti hoops and a baked potato. We took a place right at the end of the table, away from most of the others. It took all my energy not to turn my head to look at Kyle…

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Whinnie whispered.

  I took a bite of half-cold spaghetti.

  “Nothing’s going on.”

  “Okay. You’re leaving me no choice but to guess. You and Kyle went somewhere?”

  I tried not to move my face.

  “Ahh, you blinked twice. That’s a giveaway! Where did you go? Are you two, like, together?” She wasn’t asking in a girly excited way, just a genuinely curious way.

  I made a shh sign. “We’re not together. But, yeah, he took me away. To Yosemite. Because I was upset about Mum.”

  Whinnie’s eyebrows went all haywire beneath her glasses.

  “Wow. That’s nice of him.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Just that. That it was nice.”

  I smiled at her and took another bite of my spaghetti. “Both of you were brilliant the other night. I really owe you.”

  She gave me a little affectionate nudge. “No probs. You can pay me back by telling me if you got together or not.”

  I looked up, to try and see if I could catch another look at Kyle. The kids were getting restless for pudding, the noise in the hall growing as they waited impatiently for their disgusting caramel whip I’d seen back in the kitchen.

  “Umm, no,” I said, half-heartedly. I caught my mum’s eye again and waved, but she either didn’t see or ignored me.

  “Umm, no?” Whinnie repeated. “So you stayed the night in a motel together, I’m presuming? And all that happened was ‘umm no’?”

  “Basically.” I pushed my tray away.

  “Fair enough.”

  “Sorry it wasn’t more exciting. What did I miss here anyway?”

  “Oh, the usual. I want to get my ovaries tied the moment
camp is finished. Charlie Brown shot some kid right near the eye with a paintball gun – so that was terrifying. Luckily the kid thought it was funny…” She trailed off. “I walked past the minibus on Saturday morning, you know. On the way to the first-aid tent to sort out the kid’s eye. Melody seemed pretty upset that Kyle wasn’t there…”

  My tummy flip-flopped. I had no idea how I felt about Melody any more. She was like a stick that poked me in the gut, provoking all different kinds of emotions… Anger, jealousy, and now…a little bit of sympathy…

  “Oh…well… I’m sure she found someone else to get over him with in LA.”

  Whinnie let out a bitchy giggle, but I didn’t join in. I just smiled and then, when no one was looking, pulled out my phone and sent another overpriced message to Lottie and Evie.

  Please wake up. I need you guys. Now… x

  SITUATIONS THAT ARE DESTINED TO FAIL:

  Defeatist attitudes

  +

  Lottie

  +

  Evie

  Twenty-five

  My phone went off at about midnight. Not that it woke me. I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling. After spending the remainder of the evening staring at my sketch of Kyle like a proper psycho.

  I leaped on it. It was Lottie’s number.

  We are both up at the CRACK OF DAWN. Get your ginger ass to a computer now.

  Another text came in. From Evie’s phone:

  Lottie says sorry for the ginger ass comment. She’s blaming it on her lack of coffee.

  I kicked my sheet back and quickly crept into the sitting room, where the computer sat in the corner. I switched on the desktop and it made a loud excitable turning-on beep. I actually put my finger to my lips to shh it.