How Hard Can Love Be?

by Holly Bourne

  I wasn’t sure why this was spilling out of me. But something about Kyle’s effortless ease made me want to share with him. I turned, and found myself just cupping his face.

  He looked right into my eyes. “I’m sorry all this happened to you.” His apology was so genuine, so heartfelt, it made me ache. Made parts of me crumble, like ancient ruins, leaving space where the pain had been. Space for where good things could grow instead.

  “You have no reason to say sorry. And yet you’re the only one who’s ever apologized to me.”

  “Really? Not your mom? Your dad?”

  I shook my head, shivered in the slight breeze. “Nope.”

  “Well sorry,” he said again. “And sorry for bringing this all up, especially when I’m supposed to be being romantic.” I felt him turn on his side.

  I grinned, not wanting to be bogged down in it any more. Not tonight anyway.

  “Who said this was romantic? I mean, all you’ve done is lay out a blanket. Which is also a bit presumptuous, isn’t it?”

  I turned over too, to see Kyle’s teeth light up as he smiled.

  “It’s only to keep us warm. Now who’s being presumptuous?”

  We launched at each other, closing the gap between our bodies. As we kissed, all I wanted was more. More touching. More skin. More Kyle. It was the complete opposite to what Evie had said. The sand in the eggtimer was draining fast; I didn’t want to build up to anything. I just wanted him. This moment. Kyle’s tongue was in my mouth, doing brilliant things. His hands were up the back of my T-shirt. Every part of my body felt alive. I ran my hands over his body, over his arms, back down his torso…down…down…inside his shorts.

  Kyle’s eyes opened.

  “Amber,” he muttered into my mouth. “Are you sure?”

  I nuzzled him, put my hand in further.

  “I’m sure.”

  He adjusted his weight, manoeuvring himself so his arm was free. He carefully slid his finger down my stomach, a smooth delicate line, down into my own shorts.

  I gasped.

  I had one tiny worry… That he seemed to know what he was doing, and that meant he’d probably done it to someone else before. But the sensation was shortly replaced with just joy and longing. We kissed more, and touched each other, and without meaning to, we fell asleep under the stars.

  SITUATIONS THAT ARE DESTINED TO FAIL:

  Getting caught

  +

  The consequences

  Twenty-eight

  “Shit.”

  My eyes flickered open to early morning sunlight. The ripples on the lake glistened in the rising sun. Birds called out all loud and over the top.

  I was half naked, my shorts abandoned at my feet, my head resting on Kyle’s shoulder.

  “Shit,” he said louder. “Amber, wake up. We have to go.”

  The warmness in my stomach hardened. I sat up.

  “Oh my God, Kyle. We fell asleep.”

  “I know. What’s the time? I don’t have a watch.” He scanned the sun to see how high it was in the sky. “It looks earlyish… Shit… Amber, we have to go. Now.”

  “Got it.” I burrowed under the blanket to shuffle into my shorts, while Kyle muttered and vibrated with stress.

  “What if one of them woke up? No, they would’ve come looking for us. This is bad…this is so bad.”

  I hoped he wasn’t meaning last night – which had been all the opposite of bad to me.

  I zipped up my shorts and stood.

  “Let’s go.”

  Kyle took my hand, and gave it a reassuring squeeze. We ran off the pier faster than my dozy legs could really handle. I tried not to worry as we sprinted through the forest. If one of the kids had woken up and found Kyle missing, he was right, they would’ve come looking for us…wouldn’t they? Would Mum and Kevin be awake? What would I say to them? When we came to the split in the path, we both stopped. I bent over to catch my breath. I looked up; Kyle was smiling.

  “I’m sorry we’re ruining what was a great night with all this running.”

  So he’d had a great night too? My head spun with happiness, an intense rush of just general goodness oozed through me.

  “I had a great time too.”

  He pulled me in for one last kiss. Then another. Then another. Whenever I tried to pull away, he pulled me back, laughing, covering my lips with his.

  “I’m really falling for you, you know that, right?” he said, serious all of a sudden.

  My heart jumped up into the very depths of my throat.

  “I…I am too.” I was, I really was. “But we really need to go.”

  One last kiss. “See you tonight at the dance?”

  I nodded. I wasn’t with the rest of Dumbledore’s Army today. Mum had made me organize a special arts committee – to finish decorating the hall.

  “See you there.”

  “I can’t wait.”

  Then Kyle was just a spot on the forest path, dashing back towards his cabin – where, hopefully, all the children inside would still be asleep.

  I looked through the cabin window.

  Mum sat at the breakfast counter, sipping her coffee.

  Bollocks. Do I climb through the window? Or do I feign innocence? My bedroom window was tiny. It was highly doubtful my butt could get through without a park ranger being called in to rescue me like Winnie the Pooh.

  I’d have to lie.

  I barged through the door like the spirit of all the mornings in the world were singing inside me.

  “Morning, Mum,” I called, wiping my sweaty hair back from my face.

  She put down her coffee in surprise.

  “Amber? What are you doing up? It’s not even six.”

  “I went for a run. Before it gets too hot.”

  Mum took a sip of her drink. “When have you ever willingly done any exercise?” She looked down at the flip-flops on my feet and narrowed her eyes.

  “It’s all this American food. I thought maybe I should try jogging…wish I’d worn proper trainers though.”

  “I was going to say.”

  “Yeah, it wasn’t my best plan.”

  I went to the sink and got myself a tall glass of water. Mum’s eyes were still on me, like I was a maths problem she was trying to work out.

  “Where’s Kevin?” I asked. There was a distinct lack of bumchin in the cabin.

  “Oh, something camp-related came up, he’s just sorting it out.”

  “What’s happened?”

  Mum shrugged. “No biggy.”

  “Is it to do with the dance?”

  “No. Honestly, everything’s fine.”

  I was worrying over nothing, I had to be worrying over nothing. Just because I knew what happened last night, didn’t mean the world did. That’s how secrets worked, they were secret.

  “I’m having a shower.”

  “Okay. I’ll meet you in the hall soon.”

  The day dragged. Every minute seemed to mosey its way by, with no care for how much I wanted to see Kyle again. I smiled whenever I thought about the previous night. The parts of my body he touched still tingled and fizzed, like his touch was long-lasting popping candy. I had serene-like patience with the kids all day, as they pulled on my T-shirt, as they messed up my decorations, as they asked endless, endless questions about the evening.

  What songs will they play?

  Will there be cake?

  Jenny said I copied her dress but how could I, I packed it before I even came to camp?

  I’ve got paint on my outfit.

  Jenny dared me to eat the paint and now I don’t feel well.

  I wondered what Kyle was up to. How Dumbledore’s Army were doing, whether they were behaving. If it was too hot for the planned basketball and if they would just swim in the lake instead. Just the thought of the lake made me blush…

  I’d never felt so…happy. So excited by the simple act of existing. So glad I was me.

  Mum worked me hard in the harsh Californian heat. By the end of the day, s
weat dripped into every gap of my body, but the hall looked fantastic. The DJ arrived, pulling some ancient-looking decks on a dusty wheel-along cart behind him.

  “I drove all the way from LA,” he told me, like he’d climbed Mount Everest or something.

  “Umm, they really want you to play ‘Gangnam Style’,” I informed him.

  He pulled a face.

  “They’re children.” I called over to Mum. “Mum, can I go get ready now? The dance starts in half an hour.”

  “Okay, I think we’re done.”

  I jogged back to the cabin, wishing I had more time to look nice. My stomach growled angrily, the usual dinner time had been moved to become a dance buffet instead. I let myself in and quickly showered, before unfolding my dress from my suitcase. Penny had made me pack it.

  “Why would I need a dress?” I objected, trying to unpack it, but she’d firmly folded it in again. “Can you just leave my stuff alone, please? It’s camp. It’s in a mountain. I won’t need it.”

  “A lady always needs a good dress,” she’d said, her voice all annoying and wise. This was the only wisdom you’d ever get out of Penny… How to be a good woman, a good wife, a good anything-other-than-a-hardarse-feminist.

  Now, reluctantly, I was glad she’d packed it. It was from my Year Eleven leavers ball, and it was deliberately very un-ball like, as I totally didn’t understand why all the girls in my year were determined to spend three hundred quid on looking like a Disney Princess for one night. Unfortunately, because Evie and Lottie weren’t at my secondary school and I hadn’t met them yet, I was the only one who’d thought like this. I’d spent the evening feeling morally rigorous, but also very plain compared to all the shiny pastel taffetaed creations my school friends wore. The dress was simple. Dark green, very strappy, quite short, which was more a reflection of my general length than the dress’s general length. It somehow made me look dainty, and my hair look more auburn than ginger, and it made my freckles look classy rather than unfortunate.

  I moisturized my legs and shoved it over my head. I had ten minutes to blob on a dash of make-up. My face looked pretty weird in make-up after weeks of going barefaced at camp. Then I twisted up my curls, so they wouldn’t misbehave, and piled them on top of my head.

  I looked okay. My inner and outer smiles were definitely a brilliant wardrobe addition.

  I wondered if Kyle would like how I looked…

  I instantly got annoyed at myself for thinking that.

  When I got to the hall, the music was on, the disco lights flashing, and Calvin was at my side.

  “Amber, you said you would dance with me!”

  “Calvin, you look very dashing.”

  He looked so cute I could have grabbed his cheeks and wobbled them. He’d squeezed himself into a white shirt with a red bow tie and used water to comb all his hair to one side.

  “Shall we?”

  We strode elegantly onto the dance floor, before he grabbed me and jumped me up and down which if all the other kids were an indicator was how ten-year-olds dance to Taylor Swift. I tried to find my friends, and mostly Kyle, in the hubbub.

  Most of the boys weren’t dancing – instead doing elaborate knee slides from one end of the hall to the other. The girls looked on, arms crossed, obviously pissed off the boys weren’t being the gentlemen they’d imagined in their heads.

  That said, Melody and Bryony had recruited a group of girls to do their own little dance routine in a circle. Whinnie was doling out pizza at the counter. She raised her hand and waved at me. I waved back, mid-jump.

  I couldn’t see Russ or Kyle anywhere.

  Something felt…wrong in my stomach.

  The music faded into a different song.

  “Another dance,” Calvin demanded. I tried to smile, and began jumping again, this time holding his hands so he could use me to jump higher. The children obviously thought this was a great idea, as they formed a queue to take a turn doing this with me. I scanned everywhere as child after child grabbed at my hands and swung themselves higher, using my body weight to support them. Mum had changed, into a long black dress; she looked nice. She was chatting with Melody and Bryony. My stomach twisted even more.

  Where the hell were Kyle and Russ?

  I only caught glimpses of Mum’s face as Charlie Brown swung off my arm.

  Mum looking curious.

  Mum looking worried.

  Mum’s face sinking into that terrifying look of anger she gets when she’s snapped.

  Mum storming towards me, gently but forcibly pushing children to one side.

  I let go of Charlie Brown.

  “Hey,” he yelled, looking like he wanted to stomp on my foot in anger.

  “Sorry…I…I…”

  Mum snatched my hand and pulled me away.

  “What’s up?” I asked, acting innocent. She pulled me into a dark corner, where the lights of the disco highlighted us every ten seconds or so.

  “How was LA?” she asked.

  I knew then I was busted.

  “It was okay. I told you, why?”

  Her mouth narrowed so much I couldn’t see her lips. The look was so terrifying that I actively searched around the hall for help. And Russ was there. He’d just got through the door. He looked stressed, still wearing camp uniform, and searching the hall. He saw me and started making his way over, his face urgent.

  Oh God, something had happened.

  Mum pulled my arm to get my attention back.

  “Bryony and Melody just told me you didn’t go. They said they didn’t see you the whole weekend.”

  Shit shit shit shit.

  “Have you been checking up on me?”

  Deflection; deflection was always a good idea.

  “That’s not an answer to my question.”

  “Well, technically, you didn’t even ask me a question.”

  My fear was morphing into something new – anger. Why should she care where I was that weekend anyway? She was the reason I’d had nothing to do, nowhere to go. Why did she think she could suddenly play the disciplinarian adult role now? I’d seen my mother piss herself on our living room sofa. I’d seen her clutching onto the sides of our family toilet as she retched up vomit that contained nothing but liquid. She had always been home later than me. She’d always broken more rules than me. Then she left and stopped even pretending to care. I wasn’t going to let her start pretending now.

  “Stop trying to be clever, Amber.”

  Russ waved, trying to get my attention, but when he saw I was with my mum, he halted.

  “I’m not.”

  “Did you go to LA?”

  A bright red disco light shone in my face, making me see stars.

  “No.”

  Mum’s face hardened. “Where did you go?”

  “Somewhere that wasn’t LA.”

  “Who with?”

  “Why does that matter?”

  She twisted my hand.

  “Oww!”

  “IT MATTERS.” Her voice was so tight her vocal cords could snap. “Because you’re my daughter and you disappeared for two days and I had no idea where you were.”

  I rolled my eyes, just to piss her off.

  “Mum, you never have any idea where I am. When I’m in England, and you’re here, I could be doing ANYTHING and you wouldn’t have a clue.”

  Her voice shook. “Don’t you dare try and twist this on me. Tell me where you went, and who with.”

  I crossed my arms. “No.”

  Russ was practically jumping up and down to get my attention now.

  “Hang on.” I stepped away from her. What was wrong? Something was wrong… Where was Kyle?

  “Amber, you can’t just walk away when I’m talking to you…”

  I ignored her and ran over to Russ.

  “Russ, what’s going on?”

  “Amber!” His eyes were all wide. It was the first time I’d seen him upset since I’d met him. “They’ve fired Kyle.”

  No. No no no no no no no no.


  “What?”

  “He’s packing now. He has to have left by the time the dance is over.”

  “Why? Why the fuck are they firing him?”

  But I knew the answer…

  “One of the kids in his cabin woke up early this morning with an earache. Kyle wasn’t there. The kid flipped out and got everyone up. They all got in a right state. They woke me up, and I calmed everyone down. I thought we could keep it quiet, but the little kid told Kevin first thing this morning.”

  This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening.

  “Why are you only just telling me this?”

  Russ gave me a look, and I knew then that he knew. About Kyle and me. He looked pissed off but like he was trying hard not to be.

  “It’s been going on all day. Kevin’s been interrogating Kyle the whole time, to find out what the hell he was doing. He won’t say…so they’ve fired him.”

  My fault. It was all my fault.

  “Where is he?” I asked with such urgency that any suspicion Russ had was instantly confirmed. “He’s packing. He’ll be gone in an hour. He… I think he wants to see you.”

  “Of course.”

  I could see how upset Russ was. They’d worked together two summers and now I’d messed everything up. I turned to run, but Mum was behind me, grabbing me again.

  I turned back. Furious. She must’ve known this was going on all day, and she didn’t tell me.

  “What is it?”

  “We’ve not finished our conversation.”

  I didn’t have time for any conversation with anyone other than Kyle. He couldn’t leave…he couldn’t…it couldn’t be the end. Right now couldn’t be the end… We still had a week… My heart felt like someone had it in a vice grip and was squeezing it until all the juices ran dry.

  Russ was hovering, waiting to see what I was going to do. This was my fault. If I told Mum, maybe I could change things?