The Scars I Bare

by J. L. Berg

  To bring her happiness.

  To give her joy.

  To show her strength.

  When the nurse handed her to Blake, I got to experience firsthand what it was like to watch someone fall in love because that is exactly what I saw when he looked into her eyes.

  Pure, unconditional love.

  And, in that moment, I knew that, no matter what happened in the future, whatever path life had for the three of us, we would love that little girl.

  Forever.

  Happy birthday, Elizabeth Ashcroft.

  “Mommy, how do you know if a boy has a crush on you?”

  The orange juice I’d just drunk got stuck in my throat, and I nearly choked. “What?” I sputtered. “Why are you asking this?”

  She shrugged, chomping on her mouthful of Cheerios. “It’s my first day of school.”

  I took a deep breath. “Well, I guess that’s logical.”

  “So, how do I know?”

  “He might follow you around,” I said before adding, “and maybe compliment you. Or make you laugh. I don’t know. I’m a little out of practice.”

  She seemed to be contemplating everything I’d said, holding a spoon in the air in front of her face. “I think Dean has a crush on you.”

  Second choking attack of the day. “Say what?”

  “Dean Sutherland. I think—”

  “I know who you’re talking about. I just—” My brain was about to explode. Of all the children in the world, how did I end up with the overly clever, extremely observant one?

  “He likes to make you laugh. A lot. And he’s always around. Like now,” she said.

  “Huh?”

  She raised her arm and pointed to the back door that led to the garden. I looked over, and lo and behold, there was the man of the hour, walking up the path, holding a small bouquet of flowers.

  My stomach did that stupid flip-flop thing it had done every single time I saw him over the past week. I’d been an official resident of Ocracoke for nearly two weeks now, and in that time, my belly had felt like it was on a constant roller coaster ride.

  All because of Dean and his charming good looks.

  It had made work incredibly difficult, seeing as he was still there.

  All the time.

  Him and his gorgeous smile.

  I ran to the back door and greeted him before he had the chance to knock.

  His smile sent shivers down my spine.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Um, hi.”

  “I just wanted to drop these off for Lizzie. I know it’s a big day.”

  I looked down at the flowers in his hand, and my heart instantly melted into a pool of goo on the kitchen floor. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice as he stepped inside and presented her with the small cluster of daisies.

  “Thank you!” she said happily. “Did you know daisies can be found everywhere on Earth, except Antarctica?”

  He smiled, brushing back a wisp of hair from her face. “I did not know that. But I’m not surprised in the least that you did.”

  “Mommy got me an encyclopedia for kids. It’s fairly decent. Not as good as Google, but it’s entertaining,” she said with another shrug.

  His eyes met mine, and that smile he held hit me so hard, I had to grip the doorframe to keep myself upright.

  God, he was handsome.

  And seeing him with Lizzie, kneeling down and brushing the hair from her face, made him ten times more handsome in my eyes. I’d told myself I wouldn’t get involved, I wouldn’t give away my heart again, but damn if Dean Sutherland wasn’t making it hard.

  “Are you ready? Scared? Excited?” he asked her, standing upright to allow her to finish her breakfast.

  “Um, can I be all three?” she asked, scooping her last bit of Cheerios into her mouth.

  “Absolutely. I am most days.”

  “What if they don’t like me? The other kids?”

  My brows furrowed. She hadn’t expressed this concern to me lately. I stepped forward, but Dean intervened before I could.

  “You’re adorable, and you can rattle off fun facts faster than most adults. What’s not to like?”

  Her face went slack as she looked up at him with concern. “Yeah, but I’m kind of weird, you know?”

  “Weird? You mean, like this?” He waved his prosthetic arm in her direction.

  She giggled as I joined them.

  “You’re gonna do just fine,” I assured her. “Besides, you already met most of your classmates at orientation.”

  “I only met three kids,” she said.

  Dean laughed. “You did explain to her how small Ocracoke was, right?”

  I pressed my lips together, trying to keep from laughing as well. “We might need to go over it one more time in the car.”

  “Well, I’ll leave you to it then.” He gave one more meaningful glance in Lizzie’s direction. “Good luck, brainiac. Let me know how it goes.” He followed it with a quick wink.

  She did the same.

  I was about to ask where she’d learned to wink, but she ran off to find her backpack, and I was left with Dean.

  “I’ll be in the clinic again today, so I’ll see you shortly,” he said before stepping toward the door.

  “I never knew filing could take so long,” I joked.

  He grinned, turning back around. “Well, I’m very thorough. But, I’ve convinced Jake to invest in an electronic system, so I’m going to start entering everything soon.”

  “Are you kidding?” I asked, not bothering to cover up the elation in my voice.

  “Yeah, I know they’re expensive, but honestly, it’s either that or he hires someone to manage the place. He opted for the computer system. And, with the extra room, he might actually have room to put in another exam room.”

  “That’s amazing. Seriously. It will make our jobs so much easier. Thank you.”

  He looked down.

  Without thinking, I’d reached out and grabbed his hand as I was talking. It was a meaningless gesture.

  To anyone but me.

  My gut reaction was to pull away. To take it back and pretend like it had never happened. But I didn’t. I let out a breath and squeezed his hand, feeling the flesh beneath my fingers, letting him know I meant it.

  Letting him know it meant something. For both of us.

  The feeling of it stayed with me long after he left. I felt almost dazed from it as I went through the motions of the rest of the morning, loading the dishwasher and drinking my coffee. I was finally pulled out of it when Lizzie came bounding back into the kitchen, backpack on, ready to go.

  “Can you watch over my flowers while I’m at school today?”

  “Sure, sweetie, but I’ll be at work. Would it be okay if I left them in your room?”

  She’d finally agreed to move into her room, although she would often sneak into my room late at night. Still, it was progress.

  “Okay,” she answered. “But make sure they have plenty of water.”

  I did just that, placing them in a small vase and neatly arranging them to her approval. She nodded as she looked them over.

  “You know how I was saying this morning that I thought Dean had a crush on you?”

  I gave the flowers a once-over, smiling to myself as I touched one of the silky white blooms. “Yeah?”

  “I’ve changed my mind.”

  That caught my attention. “Oh?” I said, turning to her.

  She, too, was admiring the flowers. “I think he has a crush on me. Sorry, Mommy.”

  And, with that, she took the flowers from my grasp and walked away.

  After three ignored phone calls on the way to school, I knew the text was inevitable.

  I hadn’t spoken to Blake since I left Virginia. He knew where we were; I couldn’t avoid that. I couldn’t disappear. I wasn’t supposed to, no matter how much I wanted to.

  An amicable split—that was what we were calling it. Anything to preserve the Ashcroft name. No one wanted the truth to
get out.

  That the son of one of the wealthiest families on the East Coast was a wife beater.

  When his mother had found out, she’d been inclined to let it all slide under the rug, where all the other family secrets were kept. But when I threatened to go to a judge for full custody of Lizzie? Well, that was when it got complicated. And, by complicated, I mean, I got my way for a change.

  I was granted a divorce.

  Nothing more, nothing less.

  No alimony, and what child support Blake gave, I put directly into a savings account for Lizzie’s college fund. After everything was said and done, I figured we’d be forgotten. After all, in the Ashcroft world, he could just find himself a shiny, new family.

  But this was Blake, and as hard as I tried to forget, he did care for his daughter even if he’d turned out to be a shitty husband.

  Looking down at the text as I pulled into the small parking lot of the school, my heart clenched slightly.

  Cora, could you at least send me a picture of her on her first day?

  My lips pressed together as the engine turned off. Lizzie bounded out of the car, full speed ahead. Grabbing my purse, I jumped out of the car and followed behind. I wasn’t sure this was standard protocol.

  Am I supposed to follow her in? Or say good-bye to her at the door?

  Is there a guide for this? Kindergarten for Newbies?

  She obviously didn’t know either because she grabbed my hand the instant I caught up to her and pulled me toward the entrance. Ocracoke was a small town; I’d known that much when I chose it.

  But it really showed when I walked up the ramp and through the double blue doors to the one and only school that housed all twelve grades, plus kindergarten. I tried to think of the positives—one-on-one time, the low child to teacher ratio—but I also worried her advanced intellect might put her at an extreme disadvantage.

  What if the teachers had no idea what to do with such a gifted child? What if she didn’t fit in?

  My nerves raced as we walked down the hall to her classroom. The next few moments were a blur as we found her desk and met her teacher again, and then I said good-bye.

  I’d thought this day would be kind of monumental. Every parent talked about it—the moment you sent your child off to school. I’d imagined it in my head so many times. I’d kneel down and bestow some sort of epic wisdom, making her feel right at home with her new surroundings, and I’d walk off, newly crowned as the Queen of Mothers.

  Instead, I wandered out of the classroom, kind of in a daze, wondering if I could ask for a do-over.

  I checked my phone again, the message from Blake still on my screen.

  I let out a breath and hit Delete as I tried to keep my mascara in place. I took this bad mood with me all the way to work, waltzing into the clinic with a storm cloud above my head for all to see.

  “Whoa, you okay?” Dean asked, seeing me attack my coffee with a vengeance.

  I attached the travel mug lid and worked my hair into a bun before pulling the sweater I kept in the office over my shoulders. “I’m a good mom; we’ve established this, right?”

  “Right,” he agreed right away.

  “So, why is it that, every time one of those moments comes—you know, the pivotal moments, like the first step or first day of school—I’m always screwing it up?”

  “How do you screw up a first step?”

  I looked him dead in the face. “Why are you naturally assuming I screwed up the first day of school?”

  His expression went blank, and he began to backpedal. “I, uh…I mean, I just assumed because of—”

  The backpedaling was actually kind of adorable. I felt the corner of my mouth upturning into a grin. “It was a total disaster. You can chill. Also, my five-year-old thinks you have a crush on her.”

  His face went blank as he tried to come up with a response.

  “What do you do when you have a crush on a girl? You bring her flowers. So, naturally, she deducted you have a crush on her.”

  “I really don’t know what to say about that. But, holy crap, do they teach you that death stare you just did on me in parenting class, or is that something you learned on the job? Do you use that on Lizzie? Like, full force? Because, dear God, I think my life started to flash before my eyes.”

  I laughed. “That was only at half-volume, and yes, she whimpers just like you did. But, seriously, I drove up to the school, ready to be awesome, and then nothing. I remember a chair and a desk and maybe a hug. But that’s it. I blame Blake. If he hadn’t called and texted me, I would have been on my—”

  Dean stepped forward, all levity and humor gone from his face. “He called you?”

  “He’s still Lizzie’s father. He’s allowed to call and text.”

  “Says who?”

  “The judge who gave him joint custody.”

  His face reddened. “You let him have partial custody?”

  My heart galloped into motion as I stepped back. I noticed the way his fist was balled up tightly at his side and how hard he was breathing. “I didn’t let him do anything. But it was the only way I could get out. You don’t know the man I married, the family I married into.”

  Our eyes met, and in that single second of connection, he backed down.

  Taking a step back, he retreated. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cora. It’s just…these feelings I have for you, they’re real, and when I think of the things you must have gone through—both you and Lizzie—it makes me want to give you a better life. I’m sorry. You just got out of one mess, and I have no right to ask you into another—“

  “Mess?” My mouth upturned into a sort of smile.

  “I guess you could call it that huh?” His expression matched my own before he turned serious again “I know I scare you,” he said.

  “You don’t,” I protested.

  “I do.”

  “Sometimes,” I conceded. “But it’s not you,” I was at a loss for words as I quickly checked my watch. We had less than five minutes before the doors opened. “It’s hard to explain.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Come over for dinner tonight?” I asked, my heart beating wildly in my chest.

  “You cooking? I seem to remember a nurse I had years ago, who said she couldn’t cook anything beyond ramen and boxed macaroni and cheese.”

  I laughed. “You have an excellent memory. And, no, I will not be cooking, Molly has been trying to drop off some meals for me, and I keep refusing. Maybe it’s time I cashed in on that offer?”

  “Now, wait a minute, is that…are you asking someone for a favor? Be careful, Cora; people might start calling you a local yet.”

  I couldn’t help the grin that was plastered on my face as I walked away.

  A local? Someone who gossiped with their friends, borrowed cups of sugar, and participated in town events?

  The idea would have scared me a week ago.

  But today? Today, I kind of liked it.

  Dean telling me he had feelings for me? That thought still scared me.

  But not enough to change my mind about dinner.

  Lizzie was in her third retelling of her first day of school when the back door to the kitchen opened. I’d just sat down with a glass of iced tea and a mound of paperwork from the school when Molly came through with several grocery bags and an old woman.

  “Um, hi.”

  “Hi! Oh, hey, Lizzie! How was your first day?”

  I made a hand gesture, trying to let her know to avoid the question entirely unless she wanted to be here for the next five hours, but it was too late. Thankfully, Lizzie must have decided to keep the long version for only me.

  “Good,” she responded. “Some of the kids think I’m weird, but after I said that Dean was my boyfriend, everyone liked me.”

  “Lizzie!” I squeaked.

  “I said he might have a crush on you, too,” she said before I caught her giving an obvious shake of her head in Molly’s direction.


  That, of course, sent both women into a fit of laughter.

  “Speaking of Dean, I heard you were having him over for dinner, so I thought I’d come over and cook something rather than sending you over frozen stuff.”

  My cheeks flushed red. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Of course she does,” the older woman said. “She’s been trying to marry off that man since the day she took off his engagement ring.”

  I really had no words, so I instead just stepped forward and helped them with the bags they’d carried in.

  “Oh, where are my manners?” Molly said, setting what was left of the bags on the counter. “This is Terri. Terri, this is Cora and her daughter, Lizzie. They just moved here—”

  “I know. You told me in the car on the way here!”

  Molly smiled sheepishly. “Right. Anyway, Terri is an old family friend. Jake grew up living next door to her, and now that we live in his family home, we have that privilege, too.”

  Terri chuckled under her breath. “Privilege? It’d be a privilege if you two would get curtains, so I didn’t have to see your naked behinds all the time. You wouldn’t believe how much those two—”

  “Okay!” Molly exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock. “Wasn’t there something you wanted to check out while you were here, Terri?”

  She smiled like a Cheshire cat. “Nope. Just being nosy.”

  “Well, why don’t you make yourself useful and chop all these wonderful vegetables from the garden?” She turned her attention back to me. “Terri supplies a lot of the fruits and veggies for the inn. She has been for several years since I took over.”

  “I can’t take all the credit anymore.”

  “Yes, you can,” she said. “Just because you’re using our land to grow more doesn’t mean it’s not your handiwork.”

  The woman made a grumbling sound but seemed pleased by the praise. She helped herself to some of the carrots from one of the bags and began making quick work, chopping like a pro. It was an impressive sight. Molly did much of the same with some onions and a few stalks of celery, giving me some time to look over several sheets of paperwork I needed to review.

  “What are you working on?” Molly asked.