Robert Asprin

by M. Y. T. H. Inc Link

  I develop a sudden interest in the ceiling.

  "Uh, Bunny?" I sez. "I know you want to impress the Boss with how good you are at findin' work for us, but I think in the longer run that it would be in the best interests of M.Y.T.H. Inc. to pass on this particular caper."

  "But why? The owner stands to lose ten times as much if a union forms than he was dropping to embezzlement. We could make a real killing here. He already knows our work."

  In response, I lean back and give her a slow smile. "When it comes to makin' a killin', Bunny, I would advise you not to try to teach your grandmother, which in this case is me, how to steal sheep. Furthermore, there are times when it is wisest not to let the client know too much about your work...and trust me, Bunny, this is one such time!"

  Chapter Two

  "It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time!'"

  -L. Borgia

  ...AN OUTSIDE AGITATOR and a union organizer! And to think I was paying him to slit my throat!!"

  I somehow managed to keep a straight face, which was harder than it sounds.

  "Actually, Mr. Bane, I was paying him to help uncover the source of your inventory leak, which he did, and you were paying him to work in your factory, which he also did. I'm not sure exactly what it is that you're complaining about."

  For a moment I thought the Deveel was going to come across the desk at my throat.

  "What I'm complaining about is that your so-called agent organized a union in my factory that's costing me a bundle!"

  "There's no proof he was involved..."

  "So how come his name comes up every time...."

  "...And even if he was, I'm not sure what concern it is of mine. I run a business, Mr. Bane, with employees, not slaves. What they do on their off hours is their affair, not mine."

  "But he was acting as your agent!!!"

  "...To investigate the pilferage problem, which, I'm told, has been settled."

  As we were speaking, Chumley poked his head into my office, saw what was going on, and came in all the way, shifting to his big bad troll persona as he did. In case you are wondering, I was working without a receptionist at the time, having deemed it wise to have both Bunny and Guido lie low for a while after finding out what had really happened on their last assignment. As an additional precaution, I had insisted that they hide out separately, since I was afraid that Bunny would kill Guido if they were alone within an arm's reach of each other. For some reason my secretary seemed to take Guide's labor activities very personally.

  "...Now, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Bane, I'm rather busy at the moment. If you wish to pursue the matter further, I suggest you take it up with Big Crunch here. He usually handles the complaints for our company."

  The Deveel started to speak angrily as he glanced behind him, then did a double-take and swallowed whatever it was he was about to say as his gaze went up...and up! As I can testify from firsthand experience, trolls can look very large when viewed from up close.

  "Little Deveel want to fight with Big Crunch? Crunch likes to fight!"

  Bane pinked slightly, then turned back to me.

  "Now look, Sk...Mr. Skeeve. All that's in the past, right? What say we talk about what your outfit can do to help me with this labor thing."

  I leaned back in my chair and put my hand behind my head. "Not interested, Mr. Bane. Labor disputes are not our forte. If you'd like a little free advice, though, I'd advise you to settle. Prolonged strikes can be very costly."

  The Deveel started to bare his teeth, then glanced at Chumley again and twisted it into a smile. In fact, he didn't say another word until he reached the door, and even then he spoke with careful respect.

  "Um...if it ain't asking too much, could you send this Guido around, just to say hi to the workers? What with him disappearing the way he did, there are some who are saying that I had him terminated. It might make things a little easier for me in the negotiations."

  "I'll ask him...next time I see him."

  The Deveel nodded his thanks and left.

  "Bit of a sticky wicket, eh, Skeeve?" Chumley said, relaxing back into his normal self.

  "Just another satisfied customer of M.Y.T.H. Inc. stopping by to express his gratitude," I sighed. "Remind me not to send Guido out on assignment again without very explicit instructions. Hmmmm?"

  "How about a muzzle and leash?"

  I shook my head and sat forward in my chair again, glancing over the paperwork that seemed to breed on my desk whenever Bunny was away.

  "Enough of that. What can I do for you, Chumley?"

  "Hnun? Oh, nothing, really. I was just looking for little sister to see if she wanted to join me for lunch. Has she been about?"

  "Tananda? As a matter of fact, I just sent her out on an assignment. Sorry."

  "No matter. What kind of work are you giving the old girl, anyway?"

  "Oh, nothing big," I said, rummaging through the paper for the letter I had been reading when Bane burst in. "Just a little collection job a few dimensions over."

  "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND??!!!" Chumley was suddenly leaning over my desk, his two moon eyes of different sizes scant inches from my own. It occurred to me that I had never seen the troll really angry. Upon viewing it, I sincerely hoped I would never see it again. That is, of course, assuming I could survive the first time.

  "Whoa! Chumley! Calm! What's wrong?"

  "YOU SENT HER OUT ON A COLLECTION JOB ALONE?"

  "She should be all right," I said hastily. "It sounded like a pretty calm mission. In fact, that's why I sent her instead of one of our heavy hitters...I thought the job called for finesse, not muscle. Besides, Tananda can take care of herself pretty well."

  The troll groaned and let his head fall forward until it thudded on my desk. He stayed that way for a few moments, breathing deeply, before he spoke.

  "Skeeve...Skeeve...Skeeve. I keep forgetting how new you are to our little family."

  This was starting to get me worried.

  "C'mon, Chumley, what's wrong? Tananda will be okay, won't she?"

  The troll raised his head to look at me.

  "Skeeve, you don't realize...we all relax around you, but you never see us when you aren't around."

  Terrific.

  "Look, Chumley. Your logic is as enviable as ever, but can't you just say what the problem is? If you think Tananda's in danger..."

  "SHE'S NOT THE ONE I'M WORRIED ABOUT!"

  With visible effort, Chumley composed himself.

  "Skeeve...let me try to explain. Little sister is a wonderful person, and I truly love and admire her, but she has a tendency to...overreact under pressure. Mum always said it was her competitive reaction to having an older brother who could tear things apart without trying, but some of the people she's worked with tend to simply describe it as a mean streak. In a nutshell, though, Tananda has a bigger flair for wanton destruction than I do...or anyone else I've ever met. Now, if this job you're describing calls for finesse..."

  He broke off and shook his head.

  "No," he said with a ring of finality to his voice. "There's no other way to handle it. I'll just have to catch up with her and try to keep her from getting too out of hand. Which dimension did you say she was headed for again?"

  The direct question finally snapped me out of the mind-freeze his explanation had put me in.

  "Really, Chumley. Aren't you exaggerating just a little? I mean, how much trouble could she cause?"

  The troll sighed.

  "Ever hear of a dimension called Rinasp?"

  "Can't say that I have."

  "That's because there's no one there anymore. That's the last place little sister went on a collection job."

  "I've got the name of the dimension here somewhere!" I said, diving into my paperwork with newfound desperation.

  Chumley's Tale

  DASH IT ALL TO BLAZES anyway! You'd think by now that Skeeve would have the sense to look a bit before he leaped...especially when his leaping tends to involve others as it does!
If he thinks that Tananda can't...If he can't figure out that even I don't...Well, he has no idea of the way our Mum raised us, is all I've got to say.

  Of course, one cannot expect wonders from a Klahd raised by a Pervert, can one...hmmm?? Well, Chumley old boy, time to muddle through one more time, what?

  I must admit this latest collection assignment for Tananda had me worried. At her best little sister tends to lack tact, and lately...

  As near as I can tell, there was bad blood building between her and Bunny. They had never really hit it off well, but things had gotten noticeably sticky since Don Bruce's niece set her cap for Skeeve. Not that little sister had any designs on the lad herself, mind you. If anything, her feelings toward him are more sisterly than anything else...Lord help him. Rather it seems that it's Bunny's tactics that are setting Tananda's teeth on edge.

  You see, what with Bunny trying to be so spit-spot efficient on the job to impress Skeeve, little sister has gotten it into her head that it's making her look bad professionally. Tananda has always been exceedingly proud of her looks and her work, and what with Bunny strutting around the office going on about how well the last assignment went, she feels a wee bit threatened on both counts. As near as I could tell, she was bound and determined to prove that what she had picked up in the Guttersnipe Survival School was more than a match for the education Bunny had acquired at whatever finishing school the Mob had sent her to. Combined with her normal tendency for over-exuberance, it boded ill for whoever it was she was out to collect from.

  I was also underwhelmed by the setting for this pending disaster. I mean, really, what kind of name is Arcadia for a dimension? It sounds like one of those confounded video parlors. I probably would have been hard-pressed to even find it if I hadn't gotten directions along with the name. The coordinates dropped me at the edge of a town, and since they were the same ones little sister had used, I could only assume I wasn't far behind her.

  At first viewing, Arcadia seemed pleasant enough; one might almost be tempted to call it quaint--the kind of quiet, sleepy place where one could relax and feel at home. For some reason, I found myself fervently hoping it would be the same when we left.

  My casual inspection of the surroundings was cut short by a hail from nearby.

  "Welcome to Arcadia, Stranger. Can I offer you a cool glass of juice?"

  The source of this greeting was a rather gnomish old man who was perched on the seat of a tricycle vending cart. He seemed to take my appearance, both my physical makeup and my presence at this time and place, so casually I almost replied before remembering that I had a front to maintain. It's a bit of a bother, but I've found no one will hire a well-mannered troll.

  "Good! Good! Crunch thirsty!"

  With my best guttural growl, I grabbed two of the offered glasses and popped them in my mouth, rolling my eyes as I chewed happily. It's a good bit...one that seldom fails to take folks aback. The gnome, however, never batted an eye.

  "Don't think I've seen you before. Stranger. What brings you to Arcadia?"

  I decided to abandon any further efforts at intimidating him and instead got right to the point.

  "Crunch looking for friend. Seen little woman...so high...with green hair?"

  "As a matter of fact, she was just by a little bit ago. She a friend of yours?"

  I nodded my head vigorously and showed my fangs.

  "Crunch likes little woman. Pulled thorn from Crunch's foot once. Where little woman go?"

  "Well, she asked me where the police station was, then took off in that direction...that way."

  An awfully nice chap, really. I decided I could afford to unbend a little.

  "Crunch thanks nice man. If nice man needs strong friend, call Crunch, okay?"

  "Sure thing. And if I can help you any more, just give a holler."

  I left then before we got too chummy. I mean, there are precious few people who will be civil, much less nice, to a troll, and I was afraid of getting more interested in continuing my conversation with him than with finding Tananda. For the good of Arcadia, that would never do.

  As it was, I guess my little chat had taken longer than I had realized, for when I found Tananda she was sitting dejectedly on the steps of the police station, her business inside apparently already concluded. Things must have gone better than I had dared hope, as she was not incarcerated, and the building was still standing.

  "What ho, little sister," I called, as cheerily as I could manage. "You look a little down at the mouth. Problems?"

  "Oh. Hi...Chumley? What are you doing here?"

  Fortunately, I had anticipated this question and had my answer well rehearsed.

  "Just taking a bit of a holiday. I promised Aahz I would stop by this dimension and check out a few potential investments, and when Skeeve said you were here as well, I thought I would stop by and see how you were doing."

  "That can be summarized in one word," she said, resting her chin in her hands once more. "Lousy."

  "Run into a spot of trouble? Come, come. Tell big brother all about it."

  She gave a little shrug.

  "There's not all that much to tell. I'm here on a collection assignment, so I thought I'd check with the local gendarmes to see if this guy had a record or if they knew where he was."

  "And..." I prompted.

  "Well, they know who he is all right. It seems he's a wealthy philanthropist...has given millions for civic improvements, helps the poor, that kind of stuff."

  I scratched my head and frowned.

  "Doesn't sound like the sort of chap to leave a bill unpaid, does he?"

  "The real problem is going to be how to check it out. It seems he's also a bit of a recluse. No one's seen him for years."

  I could see why she was depressed. It didn't sound like the kind of chore that could be finished in record time, which is, of course, what she wanted to do to make a good showing.

  "Could be a bit of a sticky wicket. Who is this chap, anyway?"

  "The name is Hoos. Sounds like something out of Dr. Seuss, doesn't it?"

  "Actually, it sounds like a bank."

  "How's that again?"

  Instead of repeating myself, I simply pointed. Across the street and three doors down was a building prominently labeled Hoos National Bank.

  Tananda was on her feet and moving in a flash.

  "Thanks, Chumley. This may not be so bad after all."

  "Don't forget. We're terribly close to the police station," I cautioned, hurrying to keep up.

  "What do you mean, 'we'?" she said, stopping abruptly. "This is my assignment, big brother, so don't interfere or get underfoot. Capish?"

  Realizing I was here to try to keep her out of trouble, I thought it ill-advised to start a brawl with Tananda in the middle of a public street, much less in front of a police station.

  "Perish the thought. I just thought I'd tag along...as an observer. You know I love watching you work. Besides, as Mums always said, 'You can never tell when a friendly witness can come in handy.' "

  I'm not sure if my words assured her, or if she simply accepted that a confirming report wouldn't hurt, but she grunted silently and headed into the bank.

  The place was pretty standard for a bank: tellers' cages, tables for filling out deposit or withdrawal slips, etc. The only thing that was at all noteworthy was a special window for Inter-Dimensional Currency Exchange, which to me indicated that they did more demon business than might be expected for such an out-of-the-way dimension. I was going to point this out to Tananda, but she apparently had plans of her own. Without so much as a glance at the windows, she marched up to the manager's office.

  "May I help you. Miss?" the twitty-looking fellow seated there said with a notable lack of sincerity.

  "Yes. I'd like to see Mr. Hoos."

  That got us a long, slow once-over with the weak eyes, his gaze lingering on me for several extra beats. I did my best to look innocent...which is not that easy to do for a troll.

  "I'm afraid that's quite
impossible," he said at last, returning his attention to the work on his desk.

  I could sense Tananda fighting with her temper and mentally crossed my fingers.

  "It's extremely urgent."

  The eyes flicked our way again, and he set his pencil down with a visible sigh.

  "Then perhaps you'd better deal with me."

  "I have some information for Mr. Hoos, but I think he'd want to hear it personally."

  "That's your opinion. If, after hearing it, I agree, then you might be allowed to repeat it to Mr. Hoos."

  Stalemate.

  Tananda seemed to recognize this as well.

  "Well, I don't want to start a panic, but I have it on good authority that this bank is going to be robbed."

  I was a little surprised by this, though I did my best not to show it. The bank manager, however, seemed to take it in stride.

  "I'm afraid you're mistaken, young lady," he said with a tight smile.

  "My sources are seldom wrong," she insisted.

  "You're new to Arcadia, aren't you?"

  "Well..."

  "Once you've learned your way around, you'll realize that there isn't a criminal in the dimension who would steal from Mr. Hoos, much less try to rob his bank."

  This Hoos chap was starting to sound like quite a fellow. Little sister, however, was not so easily deterred.

  "What about a criminal from another dimension? Someone who isn't so impressed with Mr. Hoos?"

  The manager raised an eyebrow.

  "Like who, for example?"

  "Well...what if I and my friend here decided to..."

  That was as far as she got.

  For all his stuffiness, I had to admit the manager was good. I didn't see him move or signal, but suddenly the bank was filled with armed guards. For some reason, their attention seemed to be centered on us.

  I nudged Tananda, but she waved me off irritably.

  "...Of course, that was simply a 'what if.' "

  "Of course," the manager smiled, without humor. "I believe our business is concluded. Good day."

  "But..."

  "I said 'Good day.' "

  With that he returned to his work, ignoring us completely.