Secret Admirer

by Gail Sattler

  As he walked closer to the building, he recognized Shannon’s car. Judging from her good parking spot, close to the building, she’d arrived much sooner than he had.

  Fortunately, the weather was warm for an early spring day. The committee had been prepared for rain, but the weather was cooperating, ensuring the Saturday open house would be a success. The aroma of the barbecue already enticed him before he reached the crowd milling on the grass. The people gathered outside already exceeded the usual number present for a normal Sunday service. Judging from the cars, which were being parked on the street, the people inside would be almost equal to those outside.

  He only waved a friendly greeting at Craig and Shannon’s parents in passing, since he saw them every Sunday and a few days during the week, and continued on his quest to find Shannon. He found her with Craig, talking to some people he already knew, making it easy to slip in beside her and not raise any eyebrows.

  After sharing a few comments about the number of people present, the conversation continued as it had prior to his arrival. Instead of joking around as he usually did with those same people, Todd kept silent. He listened and watched everyone else.

  As conversation continued, each one of them occasionally glanced at him, probably wondering why he wasn’t making jokes. Either that or they didn’t recognize him since he was all dressed up.

  Craig looked at him frequently, but Shannon didn’t look at him at all. He had a feeling she was waiting for him to tease her about something and embarrass her in front of their mutual friends. It made him more aware of what a jerk he’d been to her in the past. It had been a year since the last time they’d been in church together, with the exception of a few weeks ago, when he’d tried to be with her and she’d pointedly ignored him. Before that, though, he’d embarrassed her often enough that she would have no reason now to think things had changed.

  After the threads of talk about the anniversary celebration were exhausted, Brittany turned to Todd. She then looked at Shannon and back to Todd, as if she couldn’t decide which one of them to speak to.

  She turned again to Shannon. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard you two were actually working together. How’s it going?”

  Shannon drew in a short breath. “Fine.”

  A silence hung in the air within their circle, while Brittany waited for Shannon to say more, but she didn’t. Brittany turned to face Todd. Since she appeared to be waiting for something, Todd thought he should answer, even though he considered her question intrusive.

  “It’s been fine, although we don’t see each other all that much. It’s a very busy place.”

  Brittany turned back to Shannon with one eyebrow raised.

  Shannon nodded. “It’s the same building, but we work in different areas.”

  Brittany’s eyes widened. “Surely you must bump into each other sometime. What about your breaks?”

  All eyes remained fixed on them. Todd felt strange with everyone staring at them. He was accustomed to being the center of attention, but this time, he wasn’t trying to entertain. Instead, he felt like a bug under a microscope. And to have Shannon under the microscope with him made him angry.

  He stiffened from head to toe. “I take my first coffee break at 10:15, my lunch at 12:30, then my second coffee break around 3:00, if I have time. Would you like to know Shannon’s schedule, too? Is there anything else you want to know?”

  Brittany’s face turned beet red. “Sorry. I was just curious because you and Shannon always, uh, never mind—I think I’m going to get a hamburger.”

  Everyone else mumbled their agreement under their breath, and the group broke up. They headed outside, including Craig, which left Todd as alone with Shannon as he could be in a crowd of people.

  He rammed his hands into his pockets. He knew he’d been relentless at times with Shannon, using her as an easy target. She’d always been so graceful to put up with him that he hadn’t considered what everyone else around them saw. He hadn’t realized he’d been so bad that everyone would want to know how they could function in the same room together. “I didn’t know we were going to be such a topic of interest. This is my fault for teasing you all the time. I’m really sorry.”

  She tipped her head down, studying some spot on the floor as she spoke. “It’s okay. I’m a big girl now. I can handle it.”

  His heart hammered in his chest. “You shouldn’t have to handle it. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Saying I’m sorry somehow isn’t enough.”

  She still wouldn’t look up at him. “It’s okay. I know you weren’t that way on purpose. I guess everyone else who didn’t know you as well as I did thought we were fighting all the time.”

  Todd’s stomach flipped over. The last thing he wanted to do was fight with Shannon, but he had openly taken out his frustrations on her. Guilt roared through him. He knew he should say something, but he didn’t know what. The words spilled out of his mouth before he could think about what he was saying or stop himself. “I don’t want to fight with you, Shan. But if it looked as if we were fighting, then we can always kiss and make up.”

  Her head snapped up, and she stared straight into his eyes. All he could do was grin like an idiot.

  “Get real, Todd. Honestly—sometimes I just don’t know what goes on inside your brain.”

  He lost the grin and shrugged his shoulders. “If you won’t kiss me, then how about if I get us a couple of burgers?”

  “I’ll get my own,” she muttered.

  She turned and walked away, but Todd caught up quickly and walked beside her to the barbecue then stood directly behind her in the line.

  “Are you coming back tomorrow for the service?”

  She didn’t look at him as she replied. “Yes, I had planned on it.”

  “Are you staying for the speeches and stuff tonight?”

  “Yes. Actually, I’ve been asked to say a few words, since I was the first baby born and dedicated here. In a way I’m almost dreading it, because lots of people here still remember that. I’m going to hear choruses of ‘I can’t believe how you’ve grown up’ for the next year, I think.”

  Todd smiled. He also could say how much she’d grown up. The age difference of three years was nothing now, but he remembered what she was like when he first became friends with Craig. One reason he’d paid so much attention to Shannon then was because he was jealous that Craig had a little sister who loved and adored him, while Todd had felt alone.

  He touched Shannon’s arm gently with one finger, then ran his finger up to her shoulder. While he cupped her shoulder, he rubbed soothing little circles into her shoulder blade with his thumb, as he knew she liked. He dropped his voice to a low whisper so only Shannon could hear him. To further ensure he wouldn’t be overheard, he leaned closer to her so his mouth was nearly at her ear. “I can tell you how much you’ve grown up, but then you could say the same about me, since we met when we were both kids. I won’t talk if you don’t.”

  A few strands of her hair tickled his nose, but Todd didn’t move. He’d never been so close to Shannon, touching her gently, when she wasn’t backing away or screaming because he was tickling or poking her with something. His eyes drifted shut as he blocked out the smell of the meat on the grill and inhaled the heady aroma of her apple-scented shampoo.

  “Todd?”

  He nuzzled in closer. “Mmm. . .you smell so nice.”

  Suddenly, she stepped forward. Even though the spring air was warm, the abrupt separation felt like an arctic front had fallen between them. “What are you doing? What’s gotten into you?”

  He felt his ears heat up as he became aware of their surroundings and the people around them, even though no one was looking at them. “Sorry. Is it almost our turn?”

  As they filled their plates and found a place to sit and eat, Todd kept the conversation light. The closer they came to the start of the evening service, the more nervous Shannon became. Fortunately, it was easy for Todd to slip into his old behavior patte
rns. He made jokes and wisecracks and soon had her laughing, and with her laughter time passed quickly.

  When the service began, he had convinced her everyone else who had been called on to speak was as nervous as she was. They listened to other people tell their stories of being with the church body in the last twenty-five years, some giving testimonies and some history lessons on the church’s founding. Others talked of the transition from a home group to constructing and moving into a dedicated building. Most people simply shared times that were special to them.

  Todd had never thought of what Shannon would be like in front of a large group; but once she overcame her fear of the microphone, she was a good speaker—clear, easy to understand, and entertaining. By the time she finished her short speech on growing up from birth to adulthood in the same congregation, he heard a few elderly ladies sniffling, none of whom was Shannon’s grandmother.

  “You were great,” he said as she returned to her seat and shuffled in beside him.

  “Thanks.” Joy radiated from Shannon as she smiled ear to ear. It made Todd hope that one day she would smile like that for him.

  They sat quietly for the rest of the service. At the close, everyone stood and joined with the choir in a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus.”

  They talked with several people as they all made their way out of the building.

  When one of the elderly ladies who had been sniffling in the back row stopped Shannon at the door, Todd said good-bye and walked out to the parking lot to his car.

  As he pointed the key toward the lock, he paused. Something felt wrong—as if he were too high.

  He looked at the front tire. It was completely flat and sitting on the rim. The back tire was the same. He noticed that the car beside his had a flattened tire as well, but at least it was only one. Todd walked around to the other side of his car. Fortunately, that side was untouched.

  He sucked in a deep breath and checked inside, making sure his stereo was still intact, which it was.

  He walked back to the driver’s side and rested his fists on his hips. He couldn’t tell if someone had let the air out of the tires or if the tires had been punctured. He certainly wasn’t going to have the car towed, if all he had to do was reinflate the tires. He had a spare, but with two tires flattened, one spare wouldn’t do him a lot of good.

  A few unkind words tumbled through his mind, but he stopped himself before he said them out loud. He returned to the church, where he found Shannon still talking to the same lady. She looked as if she wanted to get away, and fortunately, Todd could help her.

  “Excuse me, Shan—may I talk to you? There’s something wrong with my car.”

  The lady, whose name he couldn’t remember, waved her hand, smiled, and walked away to stop some other people who also looked as if they were trying to leave.

  “What’s wrong? Or were you just being a hero and rescuing me?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “I wish I were being gallant, but it looks as if someone let the air out of a couple of my tires. I have a portable compressor, but it’s at home. Can you give me a ride? You have to go sort of past my place anyway.”

  “Someone flattened your tires!?” She raised her hands to cover her mouth. “Here? At church?”

  “It’s a sick world we live in, Shan. Nothing is safe.” That was an early lesson he learned. Nowhere was a safe haven, not even home, which should have been one of the first places a person could go.

  “Of course I’ll give you a ride home. Let’s go.”

  He followed Shannon to her car, and soon, they were on the way to his apartment.

  “I really appreciate this. Would you mind picking me up on the way to church, too? I can leave the car in the lot overnight and then pump the tires back up after the service is over.”

  “No problem. But if you want to go back and do it now, I don’t mind. It’s still earl—”

  Shannon gasped and slammed on the brakes. The tires screeched. Todd lurched forward but avoided smacking his face into the windshield only by the seatbelt locking and holding him in place. The car jerked with the bump of a small impact. A big black dog bounced slightly off the front right fender and landed on the road beside the car. Before Todd could think of what to do, the dog scrambled up and bounded away.

  “I hit him,” Shannon whimpered. “I just hit a dog.”

  Todd watched the dog disappear between a couple of houses. “Yeah, but he couldn’t be hurt too bad. He’s running away.”

  A horn honked behind them. Shannon started moving forward but far below the speed limit.

  He turned toward her. All the color had drained from her face. She was gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles had turned white. Even from the side, he could see her eyes were glassy.

  “Maybe you should pull over.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t. There’s nowhere to stop here.”

  “We’re only a few blocks from my place. Maybe you should come inside with me and settle down a bit before you go home.”

  She nodded tightly. “Maybe I will.”

  He directed her to the visitor parking, since the control for the underground security parking area was still attached to the visor of his own car.

  “I’m sure the dog is okay,” he said as he punched in the code to open the front door. “After all, it ran away. But I know it’s a shock to hit something. I once hit a deer when I was in the mountains. It was pretty scary. The deer ran away, too, but I had to pull over for awhile.”

  All she did was nod.

  Todd guided her up the elevator and to his apartment. Once inside, he left her at the door and hurried into the kitchen ahead of her. He picked up the rhyming dictionary from the table and shoved it into the nearest drawer. Shannon appeared behind him just as he opened the cupboard above the stove. After he started working at Kwiki Kouriers, he’d bought a box of Shannon’s favorite tea in the faint hope that one day she would come for a visit. He was happy to have it on hand, although these weren’t the circumstances under which he had wanted to give it to her.

  He started pouring water into the kettle. “If you want, I can ask around the neighborhood and see if anyone knows who owns the dog and maybe check up on it for you.”

  Shannon’s voice wavered as she spoke. “Yes, that would be nice.” Her lower lip quivered. Tears started to stream down her cheeks. Todd set the kettle aside, took a few steps toward her, and extended his arms. “Come here,” he said softly.

  Without saying a word, Shannon stepped into the cradle of his arms. As he closed his arms around her, she cried even more. Her whole body shook.

  “It’s okay,” he murmured as he stroked her hair with one hand. “He didn’t appear to be limping. I watched him run away.” Despite his words, he knew that as soon as Shannon left, he was going to take a flashlight and walk to the spot and check to make sure there was no blood. Only then would he be satisfied the dog probably wasn’t seriously hurt, but he wasn’t going to tell her that until after he’d confirmed it.

  After a few minutes, she stopped crying, but Todd didn’t let her go. Since she made no effort to move away from him, he kept his arms around her, holding her close to his heart.

  In the car, he had considered hinting to her that he was the writer of the notes. He’d been praying for a sign to show him when the time was right to tell her he was her Secret Admirer. Even though he didn’t appreciate the flat tires, it did create a situation he could have used to his advantage.

  That had now changed, though. He couldn’t tell her he loved her when she was so upset over hitting a dog. But, in holding her, he was more certain he wanted to do this forever. He wanted to be there for Shannon when she needed someone. He wanted her trust, and he wanted her to know he would do anything for her.

  With her leaning into his hug with no hesitation, he wanted to know the same thing could happen again, only next time not in trying circumstances. He wanted to be able to hold her in good times and in bad. In sickness and in
health, until death parted them.

  He loved her so much he wanted to marry her.

  But he couldn’t ask her such a thing yet. He didn’t know how she would respond when he told her he was her Secret Admirer.

  She shuffled in his arms but didn’t back up or indicate she wanted him to release her. Her words sounded muffled as she spoke against his chest. In a way, he liked the vibration of her voice against him. It was a tangible reminder of how close she was and that she wasn’t backing away. “I’m so sorry for acting like such a ninny and crying like that. I know the dog ran away, but I couldn’t stop myself.”

  Todd lowered his head so his cheek pressed against her temple. Her skin was soft, and her hair smelled almost as good as it had earlier. He meant to speak clearly, but his voice came out in only a hoarse croak. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

  Slowly, Todd lowered his head a little more, just enough to brush his lips against the soft skin of her cheek. He could taste the saltiness of her tears against his lips.

  The sensation drove him over the edge. He couldn’t stop himself. Or rather, he probably could have stopped, but he didn’t want to. Ever so gently, he brushed a light kiss on her cheek in that spot. He brushed another soft kiss a little farther down, closer to her mouth. When she sighed, he stopped. His cheek was against hers, and their lips so close he could almost taste her. In slow motion, Todd slid one hand up her back then over her shoulders, until he touched her chin with the tip of his index finger. He guided her chin up, closed his eyes, and kissed her mouth—lightly, gently, and only for a second.

  His heart raced. He wanted to kiss her again, only longer and fully.