Enough

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  I raise my eyebrows in uncertainty as I consider the question, applying a final layer of lipstick to my already plump lips. “It doesn’t matter. What’s important is we’re going out tonight! Let’s go!” I reach for my purse and realize I’ve become so used to carrying my diaper bag that a purse seems odd.

  Mike’s parents agreed to watch Kale for the night so Mike and I could go on a date with Gwen and Alex. Mike and Alex get along fairly well. Too bad I can’t say the same for Mike and Gwen.

  We walk out together and I see both Mike and Alex’s eyes focus on Gwen and her perky tits in her red dress. I feel slightly invisible.

  “You look good,” Alex hums to Gwen.

  “Thanks,” she murmurs dryly.

  Mike diverts his attention to me and he smiles. “Ready to go?”

  “Doesn’t Ev look fantastic?” Gwen asks, giving Mike an evil glare.

  I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. I’m not good with attention and I know I don’t look even half as hot as Gwen does.

  Mike stares for a moment. “Yeah, you look nice.”

  I manage a small smile. Mike has never been good with compliments. My eyes dart to Gwen in time to see her flipping Mike off behind his back. Oh boy… This should be an interesting night.

  Dinner goes fairly well, all things considered. Mike has to remind me several times that Kale is fine and that I don’t need to worry. I remind him Kale is only three months old and seems to have the sniffles. He doesn’t seem too appreciative when Gwen responds that I’m a good mom and that maybe a good dad would worry about his kid too. I have to tell her with my eyes to back off. I don’t need Mike to be in a pissy mood tonight. He’s already pissy more often than not.

  When our separate bills come, I notice Gwen reach into her wallet and produce her credit card. Alex doesn’t even attempt to pay. Mike makes his usual pained expression as he places his card on the table. Every time a bill comes, he cringes. It’s trademark. I know for a fact his mom gave him cash for tonight so we could have a good time. I saw her when I came up from downstairs. Mike doesn’t know I know about it, and I’m surprised he pulled out his card rather than the cash. I shrug it off as my stomach aches. I’ve eaten way more than my fair share.

  “Well, this was fun!” Alex says, standing and depositing his napkin onto the table.

  “Yes, it was! Sorry if talked about Kale too much!”

  “You were fine,” Gwen reassures as she takes my arm and leads me away from the table. She whispers, “I thought you said Mike’s mom gave him money for tonight.”

  I shrug my shoulders and wonder if maybe it wasn’t enough to cover the check.

  “Good to see you, Alex,” Mike says as he shakes his hand. “Good luck with that job hunt.”

  My head turns sharply and my eyes pop. I whisper to Gwen, “He lost another job?”

  Gwen shakes her head, and the angry glisten in her eyes tells me to say no more.

  As we leave in our separate cars, I notice Mike is quieter than usual. I reach my hand across the car and place it on his leg. He smiles at me briefly before he moves his hand over mine and slides it up a little higher to rest next to his dick.

  I feel a surge of excitement as I move my hand to stroke him while he drives.

  “Now it’s a good night…” he says with a grin as he shifts his position.

  It had been too long since we had a night out together, and this is just what we need to get our sex life back on track.

  “WELL, WILL WONDERS never cease?” Gwen says sarcastically. “He was actually supportive about school?”

  The great thing about Gwen working the night shift is that she’s home during the day. I was able to come over to her house for lunch. It’s just what I needed.

  “I was kind of surprised too,” I state as I take a sip of my Diet Coke.

  “I bet the comment about more money sealed the deal!” Gwen mumbles as she munches on her salad.

  “Do you remember that time Mike and I went out to dinner with you and Alex? Kale was like three months old?”

  “Oh geez… yeah, I remember. What made you think of that?” Gwen asks.

  “I was just thinking about money and the huge fight Mike and I had later that night when I saw the wad of cash in his wallet that his mom had given him. Money was and is always an issue with us.”

  “Yeah, I remember that! Didn’t he say he was going to pay the bill later because he didn’t want Alex to think you two were rich?”

  “Yeah.” I laugh as I roll my eyes. “I never saw that money again.”

  “He’s such a bastard. He was so judgmental of Alex that night. Not that he was wrong. Why I ever married him, I’ll never know. I was his meal ticket. I remember coming home from work to find him sleeping on the couch day after day. He kept saying he couldn’t find a job that he wasn’t overqualified for. What a piece of shit. Dumbest move I ever made. Why do I attract losers, Ev? Why? Every man I’ve ever dated has only ever wanted sex or for me to be his mom. Where are the hearts and flowers? What ever happened to romance and chivalry? Fuck men. They’re all lying pieces of trash.”

  “Uh oh,” I say empathetically. “I guess I can assume the website date didn’t go well?”

  “I’m not desperate. The guy was like twenty. I’m not a cougar. Christ on a cracker! These dating sites are booty calls in disguise. I’m tired of being a meal ticket. I need a real man.”

  “Was he hot?” I ask.

  Gwen places her fork down and glares at me. “What the fuck does it matter if he was hot or not? I’m thirty years old. I’m not dating a boy who can’t even drink legally!”

  “Speaking of drinks, I could sure use one,” I say with a chuckle.

  “I might have some wine. Want me to pour you a glass?” she asks while motioning toward the kitchen.

  “God, no. I’ve got to leave to get the kids in thirty minutes. I envy you, you know.”

  “You envy me?” she asks with raised eyebrows. “For what? My pathetic existence? There’s nothing to envy. Every night I come home to an empty house and every night I curl up with Wookie for comfort.”

  Gwen’s dog Wookie tilts his head to the side. He knows she’s talking about him.

  “You’re smart and gorgeous. You have an awesome job and a beautiful home.” I take another bite of my sandwich.

  “Oh yeah… All this can be yours too for the low, low price of no self-esteem and a shitty love life.”

  “Why the low self-esteem?” I ask, holding my hand over my mouth as I chew. “It could be worse. You could be me.”

  “At least you have two kids who adore you to come home to.”

  “I have two kids. I’m not sure they adore me.”

  “Those kids would be lost without you!” Gwen’s eyes ferociously bore into mine. I know she hates it when I doubt myself as a mom, but she doesn’t realize how bad I suck.

  “I won’t be winning any mother of the year awards,” I tell her.

  “You’re basically raising those kids by yourself. Mike only shows up when it’s convenient.”

  “He’s working,” I respond with downcast eyes.

  “You deserve better, Ev. He should be thankful he has you to come home to. I swear I would beat the shit out of him if you’d let me. I bet I could take his wimpy ass down in three seconds flat.”

  The image of Gwen beating up Mike causes me to laugh loudly and almost spit out my food. The motion reminds me that my boobs hurt. I reach up to adjust them.

  Gwen laughs as she motions toward my chest. “What’s up?”

  “I’m really uncomfortable.”

  “Do you have your period?” she asks.

  “No. Not yet. I’m sure it’s coming. It’s way overdue.”

  Gwen straightens her posture. “What do you mean it’s overdue?”

  “You know I’m not regular.”

  “How long has it been, Ev?”

  I cringe. “Two or three weeks… or maybe a couple of months.”

  “Oh shit! Are you pregnan
t?”

  “God, no! I mean… Mike and I have only had sex once in forever and he used a condom.”

  She shoots me a look I’ve seen before.

  “No, Gwen! No. There’s no way!”

  She eyes me skeptically and the subject is dropped.

  The entire ride from her house to the school, I start thinking about how I feel. I count days. I think about the nature of my cramps. I feel myself starting to panic. I have a few minutes before I need to get the kids, so I stop at the corner store and buy a pregnancy test just to confirm what I already know in my heart. There’s no fucking way.

  I FEEL THE bile rising in my throat. I’m shaking uncontrollably as fear racks my body and my brain. I stare at the two tests and the two bright little plus signs on both of them.

  “No!” I shout out loud, thankful the kids are watching a loud TV downstairs.

  I slump to the floor. How could I be pregnant? We used a condom. We had sex one time and used a condom! I stop myself mid thought. I should know they aren’t a hundred percent reliable. I did complete three years of nursing school.

  As I say the words in my head, I remember the stack of paperwork I’d started filling out to go back to school. Are you fucking kidding me? Not again! The last time I was ready to go back to school, I found out I was pregnant with Marlow. Does God so badly not want me to be a nurse that he made me pregnant again?

  I sit with my back against the door and feel tears threaten my eyes. Maybe I’d be a bad nurse. Maybe someone would die at my hands. Maybe I’m not meant to be anything but a fucking housekeeper. God dammit! Why? Why does this always happen to me when I start to think about myself? I guess I’m not allowed to think about me. I’m a fucking breeder. That’s all I’m good for.

  I lift my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. Another baby… I love Kale and Marlow, but another baby with a man who doesn’t give a shit about me? Oh God… Mike. What will he say? This fucking sucks. I should have just kept my legs closed. I didn’t even get an orgasm out of it! What a rip-off!

  What am I going to do? Do I really want another baby?

  I glance down at my stomach and feel angry. I stare up at the ceiling in the bathroom. Do you hate me? Why would you do this to me? Another mouth to feed? Another six years until I can focus on me instead of someone else. Tears spill down my face. “I don’t want to do this again! I don’t want this!” I shout through sobs at my ceiling.

  Then, like a light illuminating a dark room, I realize what I’m saying. I stare down once again at my stomach and the tears come even harder. “Of course I want you,” I whisper as I caress my belly. “Of course I love you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just scared.” I was scared both times I was pregnant before, and God gifted me the best two kids in the world. This baby is a gift. He or she was meant to be.

  I cross my legs and rub my stomach as I think. Maybe a baby would somehow bring Mike and me closer together. Marlow would be thrilled. I start to smile as I remember the smell of baby lotion and wriggle of tiny, perfect toes. I press my lips together at the thought of first smiles and first words and getting to do it all over again after I’d thought I was finished.

  Suddenly my anger is replaced with resolve mixed with love. This will all work out. I get another chance to be a better mom. Everything happens for a reason, I say to myself. I push myself up from the floor and reach out to grab my phone on the sink. I need to call Mike and tell him. I dial his number as I turn and eye myself in the mirror. I turn to the side on the first ring. I’m going to eat healthy foods. I’m going to avoid soda. Shoot! I had a Diet Coke! Second ring. Eh, one soda should be fine. Tomorrow I’ll go back to Walton’s and get some… No! Tomorrow I’ll go to the fresh mart and get veggies. Then maybe to that new baby store on the corner for some onesies. Little yellow onesies. Third ring. Maybe Mike will want to find out the sex of the baby. I must be over two months. I’d better call Dr. Gernsbaugh. I get Mike’s voicemail. I don’t want to tell him via voicemail, do I? No… of course not.

  “Hey, it’s me! I’ve got some great news, but I don’t want to tell you on the phone! Can you come home early tonight so we can talk? Okay, love you, bye!”

  As I press end I realize I just told Mike I loved him. I haven’t said those words out loud, much less in my head, in forever. Maybe this is God’s way of making things better.

  I pace back and forth as I giggle to myself. It’s four. Gwen’s at work already. I bite my lip and text her.

  Everly: I know you’re at work but call me ASAP!

  I press send and decide to call Grandma Kay. I have to tell someone. I’m going to burst. Just as I reach her name in my contacts, my phone blares out with Gwen’s ringtone Muse’s “Assassin.”

  “What’s up? Why the ASAP?” she asks.

  “Can you talk?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “I’m pregnant!”

  “You’re what?” she shrieks.

  “Yep. You’re going to be Auntie Gwen again!”

  “OH. MY. GAWD!” she yells. “I’m so excited! Just please tell me somehow it’s not Mike’s.”

  I roll my eyes. “It’s Mike’s.”

  She laughs. “Damn, I was hoping you had a torrid affair with a hot athlete in town for a hockey game or something.”

  “Yeah… I met him at Walton’s while I was getting ice cream. He took one look at my fat ass in yoga pants and we had sloppy sex in the aisle.”

  Gwen laughs hysterically. “Are you happy?”

  I think about her question for a moment. “Yeah,” I respond. “I am. I wasn’t at first, but now I realize how lucky I am to be having another baby, and I can honestly say that I feel really good. Really happy. For once, I think it’s going to be okay!”

  “If you’re happy, so am I!” I can hear in her voice that’s it’s genuine. “So if I’m the first, does that mean you haven’t told Mike yet?”

  “I tried calling him, but I got his voicemail.”

  “Well, there’s a shocker,” Gwen states with pure, unadulterated sarcasm.

  I laugh lightly. “I’m going to turn this whole thing around. We’re older now. We’re not struggling as much as we were before. I think he’s going to be excited. It’s going to be a new shot at being better parents for the both of us.”

  “Hmm. Hey, sorry, but I gotta go. Call me later after you tell him. Love you, girl.”

  “Love you too. And Gwen?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. Thank you for being happy for me.”

  “No need to thank me. I’m always here for you! You’re my very best friend, and I’ll always love you.”

  “Don’t make me cry! I’m hormonal!” I laugh through teary eyes.

  “Don’t start using that excuse. I’m always hormonal and I don’t cry. All right, talk to you later.”

  I stare into the mirror once again. I feel happier than I’ve felt in months. I glance down and speak directly to my belly. “I love you, my little munchkin. Don’t you ever forget it!”

  Eight years earlier

  GWEN’S HOLDING A sleeping Kale on her lap as we sit at the oak table in my Grandma Kay’s house. I stare at her warily. Her eyes are puffy and she looks like she may start to cry again at any moment.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to take him?” I ask, pointing toward Kale.

  “No. I don’t mind. It makes me feel better to know there’s one decent man left in the world, even if he’s only two. He’s so cute, Ev. He’s going to be a little heartbreaker.” She sniffles once more.

  Grandma Kay appears from the basement and places the red paint can near the steps, along with three brushes. She moves toward Gwen, and without asking, takes Kale from her and tip-toes off to the bedroom with him.

  Gwen sighs and glances toward the brushes. “I don’t need that,” she says, pointing to them.

  “Like hell you don’t!” Grandma Kay interjects as she rounds the corner. “You’re like a sister to Ev, so I think it’s only right we make yo
u an honorary London today. We all need to paint doors. Whether it’s in our minds or literally. When you put a fresh coat of paint on a door, it’s like you’re breathing new life into it. You’re closing one chapter and starting a brand new one. From what Ev told me, Alex was always half a step away from you kicking his ass to the curb. Any man who would cheat on a woman like you deserves to have a door slammed in his face!”

  Gwen nods her head. “I don’t think I’m meant to be happy.”

  “We create our own happiness in life, Gwenny. It’s like I’m always telling Everly. God deals you a hand of cards. You can play or you can fold, but either way it’s the only hand you’re gonna get. Somewhere along the line, you tossed down your hand and stopped caring about your cards. I say you pick them back up and give ‘em another shot. Maybe you’ll find the cards weren’t that bad to begin with. It’s all about the way you look at life, darlin’. Now stand up, dust yourself off, and put your cards in your pocket. We got a door to paint and a heart to mend!”

  I smile at my grandmother. She is the bravest, strongest woman I know. She raised my father by herself when his daddy took off on them when he was four. She never heard from him again. She could have folded her cards, but she didn’t. Instead she worked two jobs and raised an outstanding man and dedicated father. She had to bury her only child, and it almost killed her. She said if it weren’t for me, she might have curled up into a ball and never moved again. I still don’t believe her. I think she just wanted to give me some purpose. She is and always will be my hero.

  Gwen stands and places her invisible cards in her back pocket, making Grandma Kay laugh. She wraps her arms around Gwen, and I wrap my arms around them. I know Gwen will be okay. She’s always been strong. Alex didn’t deserve her.

  As we paint the door, Gwen’s expression changes. “Shit…” she says. “I’m not sure if it’s the company or the painting, but this really does work. I feel better already.”