Enough

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “It wasn’t a date, and yes, he’s called. I just never returned them.”

  “Gwen!”

  “What?”

  “Why are you ignoring Cooper?”

  “Why are you avoiding Nick?”

  I sigh. I don’t have an excuse for myself, so I let it go. After my conversation with Gwen I change my clothes and climb into bed. I can’t stop thinking about Nick. After I lie there for an hour, unable to get him off my mind, I remember a box of old photos in my closet. I push out of bed and flip on the closet light. I lift up on my tiptoes to reach the box, and I slide down to the floor with it once I have it in my hands. Mike never knew about this box. He never really cared about my stuff, so it wasn’t surprising he never asked me about it.

  As I flip through the pictures, I find one of my mom and me before my senior Christmas dance. She’s so beautiful. Her smile reminds me of how much I miss her, and I almost start to cry. Then I flip to the next picture and there he is. Nick in a suit. I cover my right eye with my hand and laugh to myself. He and Cooper were wearing sunglasses and posing. Amy and I double dated with them to the dance. Nick flew out for the weekend because I wasn’t going to go without him. The next picture is of the two us. It’s followed by ten to twenty more from the time we spent dating. Each picture elicits a feeling in me. Some make me laugh, some make me tingle from head to toe, and some make me hurt. The next one is from Christmas, right before he left to go home. The last picture before we broke up. I can see the pain in my eyes, and I’m reminded of all the doubts I had. The feelings of not being enough. I felt pressured and stupid. I felt like I wasn’t making him happy. Did he look happy? No, he didn’t. Something was off in his eyes too. I grab the stacks of photos and shove them back into the box, closing the lid. I stand and brush myself off, glaring at the box for a moment before I kick it into the back of the closet. I hate the familiar pangs of sadness they create in me.

  I lift my phone and stare at Nick’s message. I wasn’t enough for him then, and I’ll be damned if I let myself feel that way ever again. Never again will I accept that I’m not enough. Never again.

  FOUR DAYS LATER, I yawn audaciously as I drive Marlow to her soccer game. It’s eight on a Saturday morning and I’m exhausted. Grandma Kay and Kale are in the car behind us. Kay stayed over while I worked last night, and when I got home at seven fifteen, she had a cup of coffee waiting for me. I’m so lucky to have her. She made sure the kids were ready to go while I took a quick shower. Kale insisted he ride in her car on the way to Marlow’s first game. As I drive and yawn once more, I decide that whoever made the decision to have 8:00 A.M. soccer games should be shot.

  Marlow is bouncing in her seat. “Daddy’s here!” she yells as she points to the field. “Ooh! So is Coach’s friend. Daddy’s talking to him! Can I go, can I go?”

  “Put on your hat. It’s cold.”

  “Mom, please?” she begs as she pulls her hat down to almost cover her eyes.

  “Go ahead,” I say with a wave of my arm, and she bolts from the door. I watch her run to her father, but she seems more interested in the man he’s having a conversation with. I can’t see him because he has his back to me, but he bends down and Marlow throws her arms around him. Mike seems fine with it. He must know the guy.

  I park the car and glance up to my reflection in the rearview mirror. Although I haven’t slept, I did manage to brush my hair and put on a little makeup. I haven’t actually seen Mike in a couple of months. My heart fills with dread at the idea of making more small talk with Krista, but the kids seem to think she’s nice, so I make the executive decision to be nice back for the simple reason that she’s kind to my kids.

  I hear a tapping on my window and turn to see Grandma Kay and Kale watching me from outside. Kale’s giggling at me, and Kay has a funny smile on her face. I open my door and step out, saying, “What?” to them with my hands in the air.

  “What were you doin’, Mom?” Kale asks with obvious amusement. “You looked like you were talking to yourself!”

  “Maybe I was.” I growl playfully before I head to the back of the van to remove our folding chairs. I hand one to Kale and take the other two along with a blanket. “Brr. It’s cold today.”

  “You’re always cold, Mom. I think it’s a perfect day.”

  “Well, perfect or not, zip up your coat,” I tell him as a motion toward it.

  “I think it’s cold too,” Kay says as she shivers.

  I reach in the back and pull out an extra blanket. Kay grins.

  “That’s my girl! Always prepared.”

  As we head toward the field, I see Marlow kicking the ball around with her teammates. Mike is laughing and carrying on with the coach’s friend. The new guy has his back still toward me, but I notice he was smart enough to wear a hat today even though he’s dressed in shorts. His legs are tan and muscular. I pretend to not gawk.

  Mike sees me approach from the corner of his eye and turns to face me head-on. He seems to be admiring me, maybe even checking me out. I feel a combination of discomfort, confidence, and anger. I mumble “Asshole” under my breath. Kay adjusts her head to the side to regard me. Damn, that woman has better hearing than a dog.

  I place my best fake smile on my lips as I inch closer to him. It’s interesting to see the way he’s staring at me. I hope he regrets letting me slip away, although I really couldn’t care less what he thinks or feels anymore. The truth causes me to smile genuinely. I roll my eyes when it seems Mike thinks my smile is for him. Kale takes off running to help kick balls with his sister, and I’m glad he’s out of earshot in case I feel the need to curse.

  “Hey, I’m glad you’re here a little early.” He takes a step in my direction and waves me forward. “Marlow has been dying for you to meet her new coach.” He holds his hand to the side of his mouth to whisper, “He’s pretty awesome. I think he might be a professional. He really knows his stuff.”

  I sigh as I take a step closer, pulling my hood over my head with my free hand. Mike taps him on the shoulder.

  “Hey, Coach, I want you to meet Marlow’s mom.”

  He pivots on his heel and removes his hat as he turns. My heart implodes when I see beautiful, familiar hazel eyes staring back at me. His hair is as dark and as thick as ever, and he’s sporting stubble on his face that makes me long to feel it slide against the skin of my stomach. The sensations that flow through me at simply viewing his face create emotions I didn’t know existed.

  “Nick, this is Marlow’s mom, Everly. Everly, this is Nick… I’m sorry, what was your last name again?”

  “Rowen,” he announces with a small nod of his head. I stare as his crooked smile stretches across his perfect lips. I instantly recognize that smile as mine.

  I stand frozen, unable to move. Kay moves in my place.

  “Well, I’ll be damned! Nick Rowen! I never thought I’d see you again, much less here!”

  Nick reluctantly shifts his gaze from me to my grandmother. “Hi, Kay! You look as lovely as ever.”

  Kay and Nick hug, and of course Nick is the first to let go. I glance over to Mike and he’s dumbfounded. It almost makes me smile, but my face is still frozen in shock and awe.

  “Wait…” Mike begins. “You and Kay know each other?”

  Nick faces Mike and briefly looks toward me. The smile returns. He knows I’m freaking out, and I think he kind of likes it.

  “Oh, it’s not just me who knows Nick,” Kay begins. “Everly and Nick used to date when she was in high school.”

  “Huh?” I watch Mike’s eyes flicker back and forth between us, and I see a hint of concern in his expression.

  “Hi, Ever. It’s good to see you again.” Nick leans in and plants a small kiss on my cheek. His lips are soft, warm, and enticing. I almost find myself leaning in for more as he steps away, but my face is frozen just like the rest of me. His kiss sends a bolt of heat through me right to the area between my thighs, and I’m fairly certain the sudden warmth on my face is not from his lips b
ut rather from my embarrassment at the effect he has on me.

  I glance between Kay, Nick, and Mike. Kay and Nick are grinning from ear to ear. Mike’s mouth has curled into a sadistic frown. Everyone seems to be waiting for me to speak. I open my mouth and a slur of consonants comes out as I lift my hand and point my index finger toward him. I’m unable to form a coherent thought, and Nick rides to my rescue like a hot knight on his horse.

  “I’m sure Everly is shocked to see me.” He directs his words toward Mike as if to explain why I’m so surprised. “I used to live in Wisconsin, but I moved here three years ago to be closer.” He clears his throat and corrects himself. “To be closer to our corporate office.” His gaze falls on me and his smile returns. “It’s nice to finally see you again. I’ve been waiting for you to return my call.”

  Kay’s mouth hangs open for a moment before the excitement she feels becomes apparent to all. “She was supposed to call you? Well, she’s here now. Apparently, you two have a lot of catching up to do!”

  “Yes, we do.” He glances down briefly and then back up into my eyes. He winks at me, and it forces me to take a steadying breath.

  “He called me,” I manage through bated breath.

  Nick shoots me his crooked smile, and I hear Coach Dawson call to him.

  “If you’ll excuse me, duty calls. Kay, I’d love to grab some coffee with you and Ever sometime, if you’re free.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Kay says with unrestricted enthusiasm.

  As soon as Nick jogs toward the field and my eyes stop focusing on his muscular calves in his soccer shorts, I notice Mike staring at me.

  “He’s the Nick you dated in high school? I thought you said he lived far away?”

  I take a breath and lessen my grip on the chairs I’ve been clutching for dear life. “He did. He just said he moved here three years ago.”

  “Why would he do that?” Mike asks, crossing his arms defensively.

  “He said it was for his job. Honestly, Mike. Don’t you listen?” I ask with an irritated shake of my head.

  “He called you?” Mike asks.

  I strengthen my hold on the chairs and parade away from Mike without saying another word.

  Grandma Kay chases behind me. I’m almost at a jog. Who does Mike think he is to question me like he’s suddenly interested in my life? Who I know and what I do is no longer any of his concern. As I drop the chairs and adjust my hood, I glance up to search for Marlow’s location. Nick is crouched down, talking to the team, and seems to be pointing at something with Marlow toward the goal. She smiles and nods her head, and he gives her a high five. I realize I’m staring at him when his eyes wander the sidelines and stop when they find me. There’s that smile again. My head drops immediately, and I attempt to appear busy setting up my chairs for the game.

  “Did I miss anything?” Gwen asks as she approaches breathlessly with a chair in her hand.

  “Oooh, Gwenny, you missed a lot!” Kay chimes in. “Ev’s old boyfriend Nick Rowen is helping out Marlow’s team. Mike thought he was cool until he saw the way he gazed at Everly when Mike tried to introduce them. Everly has been pretty much frozen since he opened his mouth, and I can feel the buzz of electricity between them like a wire connecting two poles. I always did love that boy!”

  “What the fuck?” Gwen’s eyes bulge out of her head as she searches the field for him.

  Kay points him out as I sit in my chair and stare at my feet. “He’s hard to miss,” she says. “He’s the hottie in the black hoodie and black hat with the blue and black striped shorts.”

  “The tall one with the ginormous calves and freakishly muscular arms?”

  “That’s him,” I respond without lifting my head. I could describe everything about him in perfect detail even if I never saw him again.

  Gwen opens her chair and plops down, immediately focusing on me. “I remembered he was good looking, but crap, time has scorched him with hotness.”

  “Yes it has,” I say as I tap my shoes together.

  “How is he one of her coaches? I thought he lived in Wisconsin?” Gwen asks.

  “He said he moved here three years ago.”

  “He’s lived here all this time and you didn’t know?”

  I shake my head as I become aware of the significance. He’s lived here for years? Did he ever wonder about me? I glance up at him and look away quickly when I see him staring at me. I pucker my lips and try not to smile, but I can’t help myself. My lips curl upward unwillingly, and I have to take a deep breath to steady my hands.

  “Mom, can I have a dollar for a snack?” Kale asks as he runs over to me. I reach in my purse and hand him the first green bill I see.

  “This is a five! Can I spend it all?” he asks.

  In my distracted state, I wave at him. “Uh huh.”

  “Oh shit!” Gwen laughs as she grabs hold of my arm, forcing me to look at her. “Not only are you incredibly distracted, but you’re also going to have an over-sugared child on your hands later. What’s gotten into you?”

  Her tone snaps me out of my lustful thoughts and I clear my throat. “Nothing! Nothing at all! I was just surprised. I’m fine.”

  “Mom!”

  I hear Marlow’s voice and search the crowd of blue-chested children for her. The game’s about to start, and she wants to make sure I see her. I smile proudly and give her a thumbs-up, trying not to let my eyes wander toward Nick. I sense he’s watching me.

  Kay, Gwen, and I huddle together, sharing the blankets as the game begins. Nick is standing on the side by the bench with his hand over his mouth. He’s watching the game intently, and his focus makes him look even hotter than before.

  “If you’re not interested in him, can I have him?” Kay questions.

  “Would it be weird if I drooled in his direction?” Gwen asks through a laugh.

  “Ha ha.” My voice drips with sarcasm.

  A few minutes into the game, the ball is passed to Marlow. She runs the field. She’s fast and handles the ball with amazing skill before she shoots and scores. All three of us jump out of our seats and cheer. Marlow fist pumps the air and smiles at me. I’m filled with pride as I high-five Gwen and Kay. I almost miss seeing Marlow run into Nick’s open arms for a hug before she’s back on the line for the next kickoff.

  I force my gaze away from him and notice Mike is watching me, watching Nick. I do a double take at him before I huff to myself.

  Throughout the game, Nick’s eyes meet mine several times. At one point I try to act as if I’m glancing past him. He grins at me from the tops of his eyes before his head bows briefly. His gaze meets mine again, and his expression turns serious and stern. It’s such a drastic change that I can’t help but shake my head and smile, and he grins back. He knows I’m watching, and it makes me mad at myself. I can’t take my eyes off of him. Grandma Kay was right. It’s as if there is an invisible rope between us, and every time he smiles I feel myself getting pulled into wanting him again. I can feel myself doing a Kegel exercise just to break off the intensity with which I desire him. It’s utterly ridiculous.

  Before the start of last quarter, Mike steps over to me and asks if he can speak to me in private. I watch Gwen purse her lips, and I know she’s holding herself back.

  I hand Kay the blanket and inch over to where Mike has led me away from listening ears.

  “What?”

  “I just want to talk. It’s been a while. How are you?”

  I laugh to myself. I know exactly why he wants to talk to me, and it isn’t to catch up. “Nothing’s going on between us, Mike. Not that it’s any of your business.”

  Mike acts shocked. “I wasn’t asking—”

  “Oh please, Mike. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way you’ve been staring between Nick and me the whole game. Did you notice your daughter score three goals?”

  “I wasn’t staring. I just noticed he seems to be more focused on you than on the team.”

  I roll my eyes and cross my arms. Not only beca
use I’m cold but because this conversation is pissing me off. “What do you want, Mike?”

  “Like I said, I just wanted to see how you are.”

  “I’m fine. Thanks.” As I turn to move toward Kay and Gwen, he grabs my arm and pulls me back to him. The force of his pull causes me to crash into his chest. He pulls me inward, and I push away. I lift my eyes to the field and see Nick regarding me. His eyes narrow and his expression darkens.

  “I was thinking you and I should have dinner sometime. You know, to talk about the kids.”

  I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips. “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah, why does that surprise you?”

  I see the way he’s gazing at me, and I’ve seen it before. He couldn’t possibly be flirting, could he? “Will Krista be joining us?” I ask, more to make a point rather than because I care.

  “Krista and I are taking a little break.” He sighs. He seems beaten and downtrodden.

  “I’m… I’m sorry.” My eyebrows furrow, and for some reason I reach out to touch his arm. He places his hand on mine and I immediately recoil. My eyes search for Nick, but I no longer see him near the bench.

  “Anyway, I just wanted to catch up on things. It’s been a while since we really talked.”

  I sigh and hear the whistle to announce the beginning of fourth period. Still no sign of Nick on the field. Marlow’s coach is clapping and directing the kids into their places. I refocus on Mike as he lingers on my words.

  “Listen…” And as I say the word I hate to hear, the irony of the situation has me elated inside. It was a lifetime ago that he told me to “listen,” and now I have the control. “I know things are weird between you and Krista and that you saw something between Nick and me, and now your panties are in a bunch…”

  Mike crosses his arms and shifts his posture. His tongue plunges against the inside of his cheek. It seems the irony is not lost on him.

  “…And you think now you’ll turn to me. But I’m not available to you, Mike. If there’s a problem we need to discuss with the kids, shoot me a text or call me. That’s as far as I’m willing to go to meet you on anything.”