In This Life

by Christine Brae

  “Blue! Are you all right?” he asked, frantically scooping me up and carrying me away from the water.

  “I’m okay, I’m okay,” I said, coughing as he gently set me down on the sand. My choking fit ended in an unexpected barrage of tears.

  “Come here,” he said as he pulled my head close to his chest. He used his shirt to wipe my face.

  I reached for my shirt and slipped it back over my head. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “You just had a scare, that’s all. It’s okay, Blue. I’m here, and you’re safe.” He adjusted his position so that I was leaning against his solid body as I sat between his legs.

  “I don’t want to go home, Jude. There’s just so much there waiting for me. I don’t know how I can face it all,” I said, still crying. I couldn’t even bring myself to call home after everything I had said to my father.

  “I know, I know,” he whispered, his mouth against the back of my head. “I’m here doing the same thing. But what we both have to realize is that those problems, they don’t go away. No matter how many times we brush them under the carpet, they’ll eventually surface again, worse than they were before.”

  “Are you twenty-six going on forty or something?” I sniffed. “What about you? What are you running away from?” I tilted my head, allowing his lips to brush against my ears.

  He hesitated. “I’m not running away. Like you, my life’s path is pretty much planned out for me. It’s what’s going on around me that’s making me confused.”

  “Like what?”

  “Meeting someone like you, for one.”

  “Oh,” I said, disappointed. I leaned forward until nothing about us was touching.

  He quickly changed the subject. “Hey, what do you say we start walking back to the hut?” he asked as he stood up, offering me his hand. I took it. “Will Dante be looking for you? Should I text him?”

  “He knows I’m with you. No need,” I said as I dusted the sand off my legs and followed him back to his place.

  “DID YOU WANT to change your, um, thing since you got it wet in the water? I can lend you a brand new pair of boxers,” Jude offered shyly. I was in his bathroom washing my hands and cleaning up the salt water from my face and hair.

  “Do you really have an extra pair? Yes, if you don’t mind.”

  He walked over to where I was and handed me a box of Gap boxer shorts.

  “You packed them like this?” I laughed, lifting my hand in the air and making a twirling motion with my fingers. He turned away as I removed my wet underwear and changed into his boxers. They were loose but comfortable, starchy new.

  “Yeah. Why not? Here’s a t-shirt too.” He reached his arm back, making sure to keep his head facing in the opposite direction.

  “Thanks.” I turned around and swiped a drop of toothpaste across my teeth. “I’m so tired. I think I’m going to lie down.”

  I was woken up in the night by the sound of voices coming from the balcony. The floor creaked at first, light footsteps following after that, and then I heard a woman’s voice. I laid on the mattress and strained with all my might to hear what was being said in hushed voices.

  “What’s the matter?” said the woman. “Don’t you want this? Don’t you want me?”

  “Paulina, you’ve had too much to drink. Let me walk you back to the house,” Jude said.

  “No, no. I don’t want to go back. I want to be here with you. I have wanted you from the first day I saw you.”

  “Please, let me walk you back home.” I heard the floor creak once again. I assumed that he was trying to lead her outside. The sound of footsteps moved in my direction.

  “What is she doing here?” Paulina cried, her bikini top hanging from her neck. She was slurring and swinging, and the uneven bamboo floor wasn’t helping her keep her balance. He slid swiftly towards her, afraid of what she might do next. “Is she with you? Why is she with you?”

  I sat up abruptly, ready to protect myself in case she decided to move any closer.

  “Paulina, please. She’s not with me. She was very tired and fell asleep,” he said, trying to reason with her.

  “What is it about her?” she yelled. “What is it about her that all of you are crazy about? First Dante, and then Delmar. Now you!”

  She stomped out with Jude following right behind her. He was gone for a while, and I wondered, but I refused to let my feelings get the better of me. I walked over to the edge of the house to sit in his favorite spot. The stars were out in full force, both up in the sky and down on the water, like diamonds resting on top of a dark velvet shawl. Its fringes touched the ends of the earth and broke out into tiny little islands. I laughed when I looked down at myself to see a pair of skinny thighs sticking out of oversized boxer shorts.

  It wasn’t long after that when I felt him kneel down and wrap his arms around me from behind.

  “Hi,” he said as he leaned his cheek against mine.

  “Hi.” I held on to his arms and tightened them around me.

  We stayed that way for a minute until he let go and sat down next to me.

  “I’m sorry about all that,” he said, tucking his hands under his legs again. This time his posture turned stiff. There was no dangling of the legs, no leaning back on his elbows.

  “Did she have a right to get angry like that? Were you two hooking up or something?” I asked out of curiosity more than anything else.

  “What? No! I just met her last night at the house!” he sounded irritated. “She’s drunk and upset and homesick.” There he was again, making amends for everyone else’s shortcomings. He let out a deep sigh and continued. “Anna, about what I said earlier—”

  I had to beat him to it. He was about to voice the truth. “Absolutely correct. We’re not together,” I muttered.

  “It’s not that simple. I’m committed to making things work back home.”

  I took a deep breath. “Gray, we’re just having some fun,” I assured him.

  “You have to understand,” he explained. “I wasn’t expecting to meet someone like you.”

  Someone like what? “There’s nothing to explain, nothing to understand. It’s late and I’m going back to the house,” I said instead.

  “Please don’t. We were just getting to know each other,” he said, holding my arm in place.

  I gently pushed his hand away. There was a lump in my throat and a heavy brewing in my gut. “All good. Crazy day tomorrow. I should go,” I said with an artificial air of composure.

  “Don’t you ever just want to forget who you’re supposed to be and just be who you really are?” he whispered.

  “This is who I am, Jude. I have no idea what you’re getting at,” I declared, determined to have the last say. He stepped aside, allowing me to continue on. “I’m so tired, let’s just call it a night. Thanks for having me over.”

  EACH DAY AT the clinic was both stressful and exhilarating. I reveled in the fast pace of emergency situations, eager to assist the patients, most of them locals who couldn’t afford medical care.

  “Chiayo. That’s your name, right?” I said to the eight-year-old as I gently helped him lie down on the operating table. His foot had swollen three shoe sizes from stepping on a rusty nail and his skin was flushed with a very high fever. Dante usually helped out by manning the lines and preparing the paperwork, but today I needed an assistant.

  Chiayo nervously nodded yes. “Okay, sweetie, my friend Dante here will hold your hands while I give you an injection, and then we’re going to clean out that foot.”

  “We?” Dante flinched. “Who said I was going to help you?”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Tey. Look around you. There’s no one else.” He twisted his head all around to verify my claim.

  The boy’s body stiffened as I pressed the needle into his foot. “It’s okay, little dude,” Dante said soothingly. “She’s going to make you better.”

  He then turned his attention to me. “So, what was with loverboy
today?” Dante had seen Jude rush out of class as soon as he walked into the door. “I noticed you didn’t sleep over at his place last night.”

  “Crazy Paulina showed up. He got all freaked out when she thought we were together,” I explained.

  “And? What are you upset about?”

  “Nothing. He has a girlfriend.”

  “Did he say that?” he challenged.

  “Not in so many words,” I mumbled. I continued to drain the abscess from Chiayo’s wound. “Almost finished,” I said, concentrating on relieving this boy’s pain.

  “Well, unless you want a long-term thing, I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve changed my opinion. This guy seems to be taking your mind off things at home. It might be a good break for you.”

  “You’re just telling me this because you want to spend time with your Russian. I don’t need you to hang out with me, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I assured him, turning my attention back to my patient.

  “Okay, I’m done, Chiayo. Let me grab some bandages, and I’ll wrap your foot.”

  Chiayo bent his head down to look at his stitches and rewarded me with a great big smile. Dante held the boy’s foot as I bandaged it.

  “Jesus, you’re grumpy. It’s not that.” I heard him but didn’t respond, focusing instead on the antibiotic injection going into Chiayo’s arm. When it was over, Dante turned to address the boy.

  “You see, I told you it would be okay. You have the best doctor in the world taking care of you. You’ll be playing basketball in no time.”

  He was being so genial. It was the gentle side of him that seemed to only show itself with me, and I loved him so much for it. When his father passed away while we were still in school, he was forced to grow up prematurely. Dante and I were two very driven people, and our friendship was based on a common understanding of that.

  “Chiayo, keep your foot wrapped for a few days, okay? And here… these should help.” I reached under the table and pulled out the shortest pair of crutches. “Use these so you don’t put any weight on your leg.”

  “Okay,” he said quietly before lifting himself up and hopping with one foot on the floor. Dante held him steady while slipping the crutches under his arms. “Thank you, Dr. Dillon,” Chiayo said in stilted English as he limped away. He came to a stop as he recognized his friend. “Mr. Grayson!” he squeaked excitedly.

  “Got that taken care of, huh? Great job, Chiayo!” Jude paused momentarily to ruffle his hair and give him a side hug. “Say hi to your mom for me.”

  Dante stepped back to allow Jude to come closer, hovering close by as I dropped the instruments into a sterilizing bowl. “Hi,” he said.

  “Hey,” I answered.

  “Is your shift almost done? I thought I’d stop by and walk you home.” His smile exuded warmth and sincerity, and it took a great effort for me to feign disinterest.

  “I still have an hour to go.”

  “Oh. Can I come back to get you later?” he asked.

  Another patient needed attention. The front desk had called my name. I shot a look at Dante, who nodded his head with a smirk on his face. I exhaled loudly in response. He was right. What was there to lose at that point?

  “Listen,” I said in a hushed tone, “I’ll stop by the hut after work.”

  I yanked Dante’s arm and rushed towards the reception area.

  “HELLO?” I YELLED as I reached the top of the steps. “Anybody home?”

  I made it to the hut two hours after Jude had stopped by the clinic. Nothing lit up the water tonight. The moon and the stars were swallowed by the expansive sky. Mosquitoes were out in full force, circling endlessly around the puddles of water left behind on the shore by the sweeping tide.

  “Over here,” Jude answered, his voice leading me towards the bedroom. I could barely make him out through the green netting that enclosed the bed and a tiny area around it. I lifted it up and crawled inside to find him sitting on the floor surrounded by little clay pots filled with citronella candles to keep the mosquitos away.

  “So? What was so important?” I asked.

  “Nothing, really. I just had to see you. Explain what I said last night.”

  I couldn’t hide the confused expression on my face. Transparency was sometimes a gift and oftentimes a curse. I sat next to him, our gazes fixed on the flickering candles.

  “I want us to spend the rest of your stay here together. As friends. I don’t want anything to change because of what I said to Paulina last night.”

  “Jude, get over yourself. I don’t want to sleep with you.”

  “I didn’t say you did,” he countered defensively. “I just—”

  “Last night, you made sure I knew where we stood.”

  “Yes.” He looked at me sadly. “I have to.”

  He leaned the weight of his body on his arms and stretched out his legs. The bottom of his jeans were perfectly frayed and torn. His feet looked so fine, his toes long and slender.

  “So how do you know Chiayo?” I asked, once again impressed by the many friends he had in the village.

  “I stayed with their family when—” He caught himself. “Nothing.”

  “What?” I insisted. “Tell me.”

  His tone turned softer as he avoided my eyes. “Chiayo is Lao’s cousin. Lao’s mom was really sick. I sat with them throughout her final nights. I also helped to build their new house by the river.”

  “Is that why you’re here? To help people? Are you here to help people or to find yourself?” I asked, trying not to sound too emphatic about what I thought he was going to say.

  “Both, I guess. Anna, the world is neither black nor white. I find myself when I help people as much as I do when I hurt the people I love. I’m trying to learn about what’s important and to give as much of myself as I can. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder what’s really out there for me.” His eyes bore into mine, and for the first time since I’d met him, I was sure that I was falling for him. He was selfless and giving. He wanted to make a difference in the world like I did.

  Jude spoke with certainty, never failing to make me see things from both points of view. His words made me realize that my mother had to hurt us to find herself. And there was nothing really wrong about wanting what she deserved. There was nothing really wrong about wanting to be happy. The problem was that sometimes our happiness was at someone else’s detriment. We were burglars in the night, stealing someone else’s laughter for our own and replacing it with tears.

  “Listen, Blue, can we be friends, hang out together, and just go back to normal?”

  “Believe it or not, I really can’t afford any more complications in my life right now. So, of course we can be friends. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I smiled with genuine affinity. My affection for him was rising to the surface.

  “Good,” he said. “Thank you.”

  I turned my head in the direction of the wooden chest. It was ornate but worn, with ivory carvings running down its sides.

  “What’s in here?” I asked. I got on my knees and slowly lifted its lid. Inside were bits and pieces of the life of the family that lived here—broken toys, a rusty makeup mirror, damaged pictures, tiny baby clothes. I fished in between the clothes and pulled out a funny looking contraption. “What is this?” I asked, holding it up for him to see. “Oh, a cassette player! Of course! We had one of these when I was growing up.”

  The beauty of this place had to do with the way time seemed to stand still. Old memories mixed with new ones, the love of a family lost and found in the companionship of two strangers.

  “Yeah. It even has a tape inside of it,” he said. “I’ve played it a few times, actually. I just changed the batteries the other day.”

  I placed it in the middle of the floor. He slid himself behind me and pulled me close against his chest.

  “Let’s hear it,” I said, taking his hand and pushing it down on the PLAY button. Music started to fill the room. We swung our heads and swayed to the music,
waiting for the chorus, and then belted out at the top of our lungs:

  You’ve got to believe in magic

  Something stronger than the moon above

  ‘Cause it’s magic when two people fall in love

  “You know this song?” he asked, his eyes wide with surprise. “Were you even born yet?”

  “Zapped! Scott Baio! My older cousins used to watch it over and over again when I was a kid!” I laughed. “And listen to you, Mr. Two Years Older than Me.”

  “Well then,” he whispered as he stood up and offered me his hand.

  I took his lead as he pulled me into his arms, and slowly, so slowly, we moved together to the words of the song. My head was buried in his shoulder while the palm of his hand lay flat on the small of my back. I could feel every breath he took, every beat of his heart. At that very moment, there was no one in the world but us, in a rundown house with a ratty old bed and millions of mosquitoes. There was no one but us, and the music and the magic.

  The music drifted out, idly, languidly, until we were left dancing in complete silence. The PLAY button on the recorder popped up.

  “Gray?” I muttered into his chest. We stood together in the middle of the floor, motionless but holding on tightly to each other.

  “Hmm?” he answered.

  “The music stopped.”

  “Play it again,” he ordered, without any intention of releasing me.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?” His lips brushed against the back of my ear.

  “Because I’m kind of trapped here right now.”

  He snapped his head up and started to laugh, sweet and joyous. We needed this, he and I. No matter what our secrets were, what life was like before we met, there was no need to know, no need to worry.

  The ringing of his laughter was drowned out by a clap of thunder and then a fierce downpour of rain. Instead of running for shelter, I threw my arms up in the air and started to dance.