In This Life

by Christine Brae

  “Gray, wait,” she said as she placed the palm of her hand against my chest in an attempt to push me away. “I’m so sorry, something just hit me. I think I’m going to be sick!”

  She ran out in a panic then went in the other direction in search of the bathroom. I followed right behind to find her crouched on the floor, her mouth directed at the toilet bowl in front of her.

  “Baby, are you okay?” I asked as I poured a bottle of water into a glass and knelt down on the floor beside her. I gently bunched her hair in my hands to hold if off her face. She heaved repeatedly before taking the glass and downing its contents.

  “Okay. That’s better. I feel better.”

  “Do you think it’s something you ate on the plane?” I asked.

  “That or maybe just the turbulence. I think I just need to lie down for a few minutes.”

  “Here,” I stood up off the floor and offered her my hand. “Let’s get you to bed. Just relax and don’t worry about anything. I’ll order us some room service and we can just stay in tonight.”

  “I’m sorry,” she muttered. “Our first night here and I’m useless.”

  “No, you’re never useless. There’s a fight on TV anyway, and the front desk said that I could stream it on pay-per-view. I’ll watch the fight and you take a short nap, okay?”

  “Okay.” She nodded as she stood up and began to busy herself by unpacking her suitcase.

  Minutes later, she was washed up and dressed in her pajamas, leaning against the headboard of our king-size bed. Seconds later she was fast asleep.

  THE COOL AIR of the morning breeze chased after me as I ran along the beach just as the sun was rising over the horizon. From every point within this resort, whether from sea level or from high above our house on the hill, the joy of living was evident. The sun-streaked clouds, the singing birds, the colorful blooms, and the rushing ocean welcomed me as I walked the path that led me back to our villa. Anna slept through the night, only waking up once to smile at me as I climbed into bed next to her. I, on the other hand, had been ready to start my day at five o’clock this morning.

  I took a short break and sat on a wooden bench to catch my breath.

  “Uncle Ralph, you there?” I asked nervously as my parents, Katie, and I sat around the table on the patio by the pool. I had called my parents the night after I stayed at Maggie’s apartment and asked to have breakfast with them in the morning. My mother suggested that I invite Uncle Ralph to attend as well, almost as if she knew what I wanted to speak to them about. Unfortunately, the Monsignor was in California at a seminar, but insisted on calling in via teleconference. It was a rather funny arrangement to me, but I knew that I had to get them all together in one place before I left for Thailand.

  “Yes, my son, I’m here. This is good timing, actually. It’s seven o’clock here in San Francisco, and we don’t start our session until 9:30 today.”

  “Uncle Ralph,” said Katie. “You should see my brother sitting here next to us with a bad case of the Irish flu. His top lip looks bigger than his face.”

  “I told you, I tripped and fell as I got out of the cab!”

  My mother reached out to touch my face in sympathy.

  “Good Lord! What in the world happened, Jude? Aren’t you too old to be doing that?”

  “He got himself hammered over a woman. That same woman, Uncle Ralph,” Katie said, tongue-in-cheek, and followed it up with a snicker. “My brother is regressing. He’s doing what he should have been doing way back in high school.”

  I shook my head at her and mouthed, “Enough.” My parents agreed by placing a finger over their lips to quiet her. I moved my mouth closer to the speaker phone. It hurt to enunciate my words, and I was too nervous to find anything the least bit amusing about what Katie had just said.

  “Well, thanks, Uncle Ralph, for joining us. Mom and Dad and Katie are here too. I wanted to speak to you all about my decision. I’m not going back.” I paused to correct myself. “I mean, I’m going back to request for a dispensation.”

  There was silence from both ends of the phone. Katie placed each of her hands on my parents before turning to me with a smile on her face. “Finally,” she said. “You’re being honest with yourself.”

  Uncle Ralph was the first to react vocally. “I respect your decision, son, but let’s talk through this a little bit, if you don’t mind. Tell us what’s in your heart. Why did it take so long for you to decide this?”

  I took a deep breath and chose my words carefully. “Five years ago, I took a trip to the opposite end of the world to find myself. Instead, I lost myself in the eyes of the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her heart was pure, her soul was tortured. From the moment I met her, I knew that I wanted to be a part of her life. At first, I thought that we were meant to meet so that I could fix her. And as the days went by, I convinced myself that it was all we were to each other. When she rushed home to be with her family after the death of her mother, she took with her a part of me that left me with such emptiness that no amount of prayer or good works could even begin to fill. And so for four years, I loved her from afar, keeping in touch with her best friend, Dante Leola, and watching her blossom into her own.”

  My father and mother leaned forward, stealing glances at each other as I continued to speak.

  “And then one year ago, it no longer became enough for me to live in her shadow. I was filled with such longing for her. What insanity, what a trick of fate that the diocese assigned me to help at the parish that served the hospital where she was completing her residency! I became bolder, more determined to be near her. Sometimes I would blend in with the crowd of people in the emergency room just to be able to watch her at work. There were times when she was close enough for me to touch her. I would inhale the air that she walked in, I would listen in on her conversations. I craved to be a part of her life.”

  “Did Father Scott know of this?” Uncle Ralph asked casually.

  “I would go to confession and tell him what I had done, resolve never to do it again, and then go back to the hospital the following day to see her again. I sinned so much in the past year that the guilt was torturous, but it was worth every moment that I spent in proximity to her.”

  My mother started to cry. She leaned on my father, who gently rubbed her back.

  “Meu, why didn’t you tell us? It breaks my heart to think that you went through this alone. Nothing you do will ever make us stop loving you. We are proud of you as Jude, our son, a man, a loving brother. We will always want your happiness first and foremost.”

  My father took over with tears in his eyes. “Jude, there are many things in this life that are incomprehensible. Many people spend wasted hours, years, lifetimes trying to follow a path that isn’t set in stone. The decision that you made to enter the seminary years ago was based on who you were then. It may not be who you are now. This choice, here and now, defines who you are and what you stand for. You are a brave and honorable man, and we are so very proud of you.”

  I jumped out of my seat and rushed into my father’s arms. My mother followed suit, and soon we were mixing our laughter with our tears. Katie held my hand as we sat back down at the table.

  “Jude! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Max ran out of the sliding doors and straight into my lap. “Is Anna with you? Did you bring Anna?”

  “Shh. Maxie, we’re on a call right now with Uncle Ralph. Let’s talk later, okay? Anna is working at the hospital but I’m going to see her tonight.”

  “Oh goodie! I’m going to send her a cupcake in a plastic bag. I made it at school yesterday. Can I, Jude? Can I send her a cupcake?” he asked excitedly, his hands tightly clasped around my shoulders.

  “Of course you can! Go and wrap it up now, and I’ll come in to catch up with you after this call.”

  “Okay!” he said. “Now all of you! Stop crying just because Jude came to visit us! He’ll be back again soon, right, Jude?”

  “That’s right, Max. Now let us finish thi
s call and I’ll be right in,” I said gently. He hopped to his feet and ran back inside the house.

  Uncle Ralph reeled us back into the conversation. “It’s not going to be that easy to receive a dispensation. You know that, right? They may ask you to take some more time before making a final decision. You know that’s the Archbishop’s official seminary, the most prestigious one. You might have to run it up the ladder to Rome.”

  “I know. I’m going to do everything that they ask me to, but my mind is made up. I’m taking Anna on a trip to Thailand tomorrow. We’ll be gone for a few days.”

  “I know,” my mother teased. “Katie told me.”

  “Katie! Again?” She shrugged her shoulders in response.

  “Jude. One more thing,” Uncle Ralph said emphatically. “It is a privilege to be called by the bishop to the sacrament of holy orders. Never take that for granted in your life. Live a life of gratitude and praise for the honor of being called. Do you remember the book I gave you about saving a thousand souls?”

  “Yes. It says that everyone has an intrinsic calling to be holy but that each person can choose to serve in a different way.”

  “Yes, whether to the priesthood or religious life, or the single or married life. Which one will you choose?”

  “Anna and I are going to fill this house with many grandchildren someday. I’m going to marry her if she’ll have me. When this is all said and done, I will spend the rest of my life loving her.”

  Nothing, not even the reverberating drone of an approaching tuk-tuk that caught me off guard could successfully unglue the smile that was pasted on my lips. She should be awake by now, so I needed to get going. I had big plans for the day, and I couldn’t wait to tell her. The thoughts of kissing her again and touching her, and making love to her in the proper way and at the proper time were first and foremost on my mind. I felt free to be a man in love. Despite the occasional pangs of guilt about being in transition, I knew that it was only a matter of weeks before I would announce my decision to my superiors.

  I hastily entered our villa, expecting to find her in bed but was filled with momentary trepidation when I realized she wasn’t there. I breathed a sigh of relief as I caught her reflection in the window; she was in the pool with her back turned towards me, her gaze fixed in the direction of the sea. Her long red hair, straight and wet from the water, shone brightly from the rays of the sun. Slowly, she turned around in response to the sound of the sliding glass doors.

  “Good morning,” she greeted me.

  “Hi. How are you feeling today?”

  I leaned against the glass, content to just watch her, be that close to her. I smelled her, tasted her, felt her against me from that distance without a single touch. Just like the first time we met at the hut five years ago, I couldn’t comprehend it then and was still devoid of any answers now.

  “Much better. Sorry about yesterday. I think I caught a twenty-four hour bug or something. Do you know that the same thing happened to me when I first arrived five years ago?” She started to swim towards me. “I don’t think I do very well on long trips. My shifts at the hospital have just been so hectic, but I’m fine now. How was your run?”

  “It was great. It’s beautiful down there. I can’t wait to do some sightseeing today,” I said. “Did you have breakfast?”

  “I hope you don’t mind. I ordered us some room service. They said it should be here in an hour. What do you want to do today?” she asked.

  “I thought we could go to the nearby beach and just hang out. Maybe visit the temple there?” I offered.

  “That sounds like a great idea. Hey, do you think we can go back to visit the kids at Takua Pa?” she asked. “If it’s too far, that’s okay. I just thought it would be nice to go back there again.”

  “Yes! It’s not that far away. I’ve rented a car to take us there tomorrow.” My ability to concentrate was shot—as she hopped in the water and moved closer and closer, the depth of the water proved shallower and shallower, until it completely uncovered her, and she stood in front of me in a skimpy white bikini, her beautiful body glowing and wet from the warm sun and salty sea.

  “That’s great!” she said, pleased.

  And because she knew me, because she was the other half of my soul, and because she wanted it just as much, she began to put my thoughts into action. She reached both hands behind her head, untied her bikini top, and allowed it to fall into the water.

  “We have exactly forty-five minutes before breakfast comes,” she said.

  I didn’t need to be told twice. I tore my t-shirt and shorts off, and slipped into the warmth of her embrace. She wrapped her legs around me as I carried her towards the edge of the pool. Our kisses were different this time. They didn’t start out slowly; they were deep and hungry, intense and consuming. I enclosed her mouth in mine, intent on tasting her, taking all of her in while she stroked me gently underneath the water.

  I stopped in the middle of our passionate kisses and looked at her questioningly. I wanted her to command me, to urge me on. There were so many things I’d never done before, and I wanted to discover it all with her.

  “Do what you want with me,” she said. “I won’t break.” She leaned her head back on the edge of the pool and stretched her arms out to give me complete access to her neck, breasts, and body. She moaned as I slipped two fingers inside of her while devouring her breasts with my teeth and tongue.

  “Jude,” she moaned. “Jude, I want you, please. Whole, make me whole.” The beads of water on her neck dried up in colors under the warmth of the sun.

  “I love you, Blue,” I whispered, entering her at the same time. She felt warm and wonderful.

  Her body was my home, my sustenance. In heaven, there were many mansions.

  Her lips were my truth; they branded my skin and I belonged to her forever. There was nothing more liberating than knowing you belong.

  Her touch gave me wings; it inspired me to great heights. The best and most beautiful things in the world could not be seen or touched.

  Being inside her was my destiny, my reason for living. From that day on, I existed for the sole purpose of filling her, completing her. There was darkness in intimacy. I craved that darkness with her.

  For a few seconds I refused to move; I wanted time to stand still, wanted to feel her around me for as long as I lived. Every moment with her was something to remember, but the look of satisfaction on her face, her cries, her moans, her rapture—these were flashes of our time together which I knew that I could never again live without. And then as if on cue, she spurred me to move.

  “Give it to me, Gray. Give me everything you have.” She wound her legs tightly around my waist as I drilled deep, more for myself because I selfishly wanted to take over every single part of her. The places that others had touched, I was going to sink in and wipe out all those before me.

  We clawed at each other like animals, took pleasure in inflicting imminent pain. The sounds that we made were guttural—they echoed through the air and bounced up from the trees and into the sky. And when I came, I forgot what it was like to be lonely and confused and alone. She was mine and I was hers, not in the next life, nor in the future life, but here and now. In this life.

  WHAT HAPPENED IN the pool made me change my plans that day. I wanted to tell her as soon as possible, assure her that I was in this for the long haul. I believed that this would make the rest of our trip more relaxing; it would cast both our worries away and allow us to plan for the future. As far as she was concerned, she thought that we would be over in less than three weeks.

  I called for the car while she was in the bathroom getting dressed and I notified the driver that we would be going to Ban Nam Khem instead. They informed me that it was a seventy minute drive to the north. Seventy minutes, seventy days, seventy years—time no longer played a part when it came to her. It was no longer a factor in the equation.

  Sleeping Beauty rested in my arms as we drove up the coast towards the small fishing villa
ge where we first found each other five years ago. Not knowing what to expect, I was keen on finding our little hut by the sea and reliving the happy times we shared while we were there. It seemed like eons ago, and life was so much simpler then—she had places to go and things to do, and I had a life plan that required the utmost commitment.

  A tinge of guilt coursed through me as a sordid vision of our time in the pool flashed through my mind. But it was quickly dispelled as I felt her heavy breathing against my shoulder. I was hers now and there was no sin in pure and unconditional love.

  The sudden braking of the car jolted her from her sleep. A few dogs and cows on the road were preventing us from moving any further.

  “It feels so weird that we’re in this car when we can really just get out and walk,” she said, wiping the sleep from her eyes. “What’s wrong with me, Gray? Why have I been sleeping so much?”

  “I wore you out earlier,” I said with a chuckle. She rolled her eyes. “Seriously, Blue, I really think you’re just jetlagged. It will get better in the next day or so.”

  She reached for the door handle and put one foot on the ground. “Please tell him that we’re getting out and walking. Can he park by the bus stop at the market and we can just meet him there in a few hours?”

  She didn’t wait for me to respond. By the time I gave the driver his instructions, she was walking down the road a few feet ahead of me. I would never tire of looking at her, of constantly describing her beauty. That day her hair was tied up in a ponytail and she was wearing a romper with flat sandals, her legs straight, firm, and endless. It took a great effort to cast those salacious thoughts from my mind. Celibacy had its price, and I was paying for it. Five long years of drought and I was ready to quench my thirst in the stream of her love.