The Perfect Mess

by K. Sterling

  “I want to have kids with you but I can’t do that if you aren’t here,” he said. “Can we just start with the tests and see what they say? What if you test negative? Maybe you test positive but we can have a baby before you have them removed? What if we harvest your eggs first? We could look at in vitro or surrogates if you can’t have a baby later. Or, we can adopt. There are lots of babies that need good homes,” Jason said as he rocked her. “All I care about is you being healthy. The rest of it can wait,” he promised and Landon saw a tear roll down Ben’s cheek.

  “I knew it,” Landon whispered as he slid his arm around Ben’s shoulders and Ben nodded “Me too,” he whispered back. Michelle rolled her eyes at both of them.

  “I’m not sure if I’ve forgiven you two,” she announced and Jason nodded as he stood and took her with him.

  “Yes, you do. You should have told me and they want you to be healthy,” he said and her face was soft as she looked back at them as Jason settled her coat over her shoulders.

  “Fine. But only because I’m fine and we’re ok,” she said and Ben waved as he and Landon stood.

  “I love you and have a good night,” he said unsteadily. Once Jason and Michelle were gone, Ben exhaled loudly as he sagged against Landon.

  “Thank you so much for helping me get through that!” He said as he held Landon close. Landon laughed softly.

  “Of course. I love Michelle and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her,” he said then cringed. He prayed that Ben wouldn’t address the fact that Landon could admit he loved Michelle but that even she wouldn’t keep him from leaving.

  “I know,” Ben whispered as his hands splayed and pressed against Landon’s back. He could almost feel the words. From Ben and in his own throat. “I’m so grateful,” Ben said and Landon almost sighed in relief. He had his opening.

  “How grateful?” He asked as he raised his head and a brow and tugged Ben toward the bedroom. Ben sighed in mock disbelief.

  “Is that all you think about?” He asked as he let Landon pull him down the hall. Landon looked up and pretended to consider.

  “Umm…” He smiled as he backed into the bedroom. “I think about kissing you a lot,” Landon said and Ben looked skeptical. “And I like when we cuddle and watch movies,” Landon added and Ben snorted.

  “Except that I don’t think we’ve ever actually completed a movie together,” he said and Landon was about to argue and froze with his mouth open. Then shook his head.

  “Nope. Not a single movie.” He admitted. “I’m kind of proud of that,” Landon said and Ben laughed as he raised his arms so Landon could pull the shirt over his head. He had them naked and stretched on the bed within seconds. “But I do think about you sucking my cock pretty often and I almost constantly think about how good you are at fucking me until I can’t see straight,” he said and Ben growled as he pinned Landon.

  “If I’m honest, I think about both a lot myself,” he rasped as his lips traced Landon’s abs before his tongue slid along his adonis belt.

  Chapter 21

  “I need to know what kind of pizza everyone wants,” Landon announced as Jason set the last box in the storage container. “There’s plenty of wine and beer at Ben’s. I’ll go ahead and call our order in now,” he said as he pulled the door shut and locked the padlock.

  Ben pulled in a steadying breath, he’d kept his emotions bottled up all day but knowing that everything Landon owned was locked up and heading to storage had him on the verge of breaking down. The last week hadn’t been easy. Boxes started appearing and Landon filled two or three a night so that by the time Saturday came and Jason and Michelle arrived to help, all they had to do was help carry everything out. He even had every thing cleaned, so there was nothing left to be done.

  Every time Ben offered to help in the evenings, Landon would shake his head and tell him his company was all he needed. Ben sensed that Landon was keeping his own emotions and nerves at bay by staying busy. Aside from accepting Ben’s offer to stay with him, Landon avoided discussing the move or their future. It was driving Ben crazy. He needed some sort of reassurance, some hint of Landon’s intentions. The only reason Ben hadn’t initiated a conversation was because he was afraid that he wouldn’t have more to offer than “Don’t leave me!” and a lot of begging. Other than that, he didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t think of a way to ask Landon to stay without sounding totally selfish and he wasn’t ready or able to move to California, so he kept holding his tongue. Ben had a feeling Landon was struggling with the same lack of ideas, he hadn’t slept the last few nights and he looked exhausted.

  “If it’s ok with you two, I think Michelle and I are going to take a raincheck,” Jason said as he slid his arms around Michelle’s waist and winked at Landon over her shoulder. Ben pretended he didn’t see it. “This went a lot faster than we were expecting and I think I’d like to take my girl out for a nice dinner and then have a quiet night at home,” he added and Michelle clapped her hands and cheered.

  “I think I’ll wear a dress!” She announced and Ben raised his brows.

  “What’s the occasion?” He asked and Michelle squeezed Jason and he grinned.

  “I like to look like a girl now and then,” she said before she stuck her tongue out at Ben.

  “Get out of here and have a good time,” he said and Michelle rose on her toes and kissed Ben’s cheek.

  “You too!” She said before Jason waved and pulled her down the sidewalk toward her apartment.

  “Come on,” Landon said as he put his arm around Ben’s shoulders. “Now that it’s just us, we can take a hot shower together and eat pizza naked before we pass out,” he said as he led them toward Ben’s apartment.

  Ben nodded and wished that Landon was making that suggestion under just about any other circumstance.

  Chapter 22

  The shower pretty much purged what was left of Landon’s energy. He stumbled out of the bathroom and fell face first on the bed. He felt the bed dip and Ben’s body hovering over his. Landon hummed softly as Ben’s lips cruised up his spine until his teeth nipped the back of Landon’s neck.

  “I may never move again,” Landon mumbled into the duvet. “I feel completely wrung out,” he said and Ben’s breath shuddered.

  “Stay,” he whispered and Landon shut his eyes as pain rippled through his chest and his stomach clenched.

  “Ben…” It came out like a beg and Landon prayed he’d let it go. He was so tired, he’d felt fragile for days and he didn’t know if he’d be able to hold it together if Ben made him talk about it.

  “Please stay, Landon,” he said hoarsely and Landon’s eyes and nose started to burn. He shook his head and pushed his face into the bedding, trying to escape. Ben’s face fell into the corner of Landon’s neck and wet warmth told Landon he was crying. “Tell me what you want. I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t go. I need more time.” It was so ragged and strained, it felt like Landon’s chest was being ripped open and he gasped.

  “I still have a week and I’m staying here,” Landon said shakily. He knew it wasn’t enough and it wouldn’t help but it was all he had. Ben’s hand slid into Landon’s hair and twisted as Ben pressed kisses to Landon’s throat, ears and jaw.

  “A week isn’t enough. I want to have a life with you,” Ben said and Landon had to clench his jaw to keep from sobbing as pain exploded in his chest.

  “You have to stop. Please,” Landon rasped as he twisted and turned to get out from under Ben. When they were face to face, Ben’s face was drenched with tears and Landon’s stomach churned. His eyes overflowed as he scrambled from the bed. “Don’t do this, Ben,” he begged as he began to pace and Ben sat up and scrubbed his face with his hands.

  “I have to. I’m running out of time and I feel so helpless,” Ben complained and Landon fisted his hands in his hair as he looked around the room, trying to remember where his clothes were. Ben jumped from the bed and reached for Landon. “Don�
�t go. Stay with me. I promise, I’ll do anything,” he urged as his hands gripped Landon’s shoulders and Landon’s eyes bounced around the room as he tried to avoid the tears streaming down Ben’s face. His own were dripping onto his chest and feet in hot, fat drops.

  “I think it might be better if I stay with Lindsey,” he said and Ben shook his head frantically.

  “No!” He sobbed and Landon’s legs began to shake. “We agreed that we’d make the most of the time we had and not waste any of it,” Ben argued and Landon had to swallow past the knot in his throat.

  “I know, but it’s getting to be too hard. It’s going to hurt too much,” he warned and Ben groaned as his arms wrapped around Landon and pulled him against his chest.

  “I know but I won’t be able to stand it,” he whispered. “I need you, Landon. I need you to stay.” Ben’s hands were everywhere, clutching desperately as his body pressed against Landon’s.

  “I have to go. My job…” His voice broke and he bit Ben’s shoulder as his chest felt like it was caving in. “I sold my apartment and I have to go,” Landon said and Ben shook his head.

  “Please, don’t.” It was so weak and raw as he cradled Landon’s head. Landon gulped for air as his chest started to heave.

  “This is my dream, Ben. My whole adult life has been about this,” he explained. “You have your dream. You work with the most incredible artists and you worked so hard to get where you are. I’m almost there,” Landon whispered shakily and Ben shook his head as he leaned back. His hands wrapped around Landon’s face as his eyes spilled into his.

  “You’re my dream. Us. That’s all I want,” he said and Landon felt like he was suffocating. “You said you dreamed about having this, that I was a dream come true,” Ben said softly and Landon tried to pull away but Ben only pulled him closer.

  “I know, but I can’t now!” Landon cried as Ben pressed his forehead to Landon’s.

  “I love you,” Ben breathed and Landon clutched at his shoulders as the floor buckled beneath him. Ben’s lips crushed Landon’s and his tongue tasted like mint and salty tears as it twisted urgently around Landon’s. Ben gasped when he raised his head and his eyes searched Landon’s face. “You love me. You can’t leave,” he argued and Landon struggled to pull in a breath as his hands slid down Ben’s throat.

  “I love you so much and it’s crushing me because there’s nothing I can do!” Landon said loudly and Ben’s lips trembled against Landon’s.

  “What are we going to do?” Ben asked as his voice died and Landon shook his head.

  “I don’t know,” he admitted as he slid his arms around Ben and held him tight.

  Ben sighed heavily and Landon followed as he backed them toward the bed. He pulled Landon with him as he fell back and their arms and legs tangled as they wrapped around each other. Landon rubbed his cheek against Ben’s chest and listened to his heart beating as he waited for his own to stop hurting and hammering wildly. When their noses stopped running and their chests stopped heaving, Landon raised his head.

  “This isn’t going to end when I leave,” he promised and Ben moaned softly as his hands trailed up and down Landon’s back. Landon pecked at Ben’s lips. “I won’t be able to get through the day without hearing your voice. We’ll FaceTime every night. You can come and visit whenever you want and I’ll come back whenever I get a chance,” Landon said and Ben squeezed his eyes shut.

  “How am I going to sleep without you?” Ben asked and Landon made a soothing sound as he let his lips drag along Ben’s.

  “It’s going to be really hard in the beginning but we’ll make it work until we can find a way to be together,” Landon said. Ben’s fingernails grazed Landon’s back before his hands cupped Landon’s ass.

  “What about this?” Ben asked as he ground his hips against Landon’s, causing their erections to rub against each other. Landon growled softly as he thrust back.

  “Did you think I wanted to FaceTime so we could talk?” He murmured as his hand stretched toward the bedside table and Ben’s tongue flicked at Landon’s lips.

  “It’s not the same but that could be really hot,” he said and Landon nodded as he pressed the lube into Ben’s hand.

  “Play with my ass while I tell you about all the nasty things you’re going to get to watch me do,” Landon whispered and Ben’s cock twitched against Landon’s.

  “Oh, my God,” Ben groaned as his fingers slid into the cleft of Landon’s ass. “Like what?” He asked breathlessly and Landon chuckled.

  “I was thinking I’d buy a few toys…” Landon said then gasped as he was thrown on his back.

  “Holy shit, I love you!” Ben declared as he licked his way down Landon’s body.

  “I love you too,” Landon said before his eyes flared. “And I definitely love that!” He clamped his jaw to keep from shrieking as two of Ben’s fingers swiftly slid into his hole and hooked around his prostate.

  “Tell me about these toys,” Ben commanded as his lips glided along Landon’s shaft.

  Chapter 23

  “I need you to make sure the vodka keeps coming,” Landon said to the attendant and she nodded sympathetically as she passed on her way to the front of the plane.

  The last week with Ben had been physically and emotionally exhausting. Landon had never had so much sex and so little sleep in his life. All he felt was miserable as the plane took to the air. He didn’t give a damn about his new job or that he had to start house hunting almost as soon as he landed. Landon knew he should have been excited knowing that in less than twenty-four hours he’d be at PixelWorks meeting his new boss and settling into his new office. He hated sleeping in strange beds but he loved hotels. None of it mattered.

  All he could see was Ben trying to be strong as they parted at the airport. He insisted on walking with Landon as far as he could and hanging on until the very last minute. When they finally let go, promising to call as soon and as often as possible, Landon could already see the tears flooding Ben’s eyes and his lips trembling. Landon rushed away with his carry-on and didn’t have the nerve to look back. He kept his sunglasses on, not giving a fuck if people thought he looked like an alcoholic or a hardcore douche bag, he was crying like a girl by the time he handed over his boarding pass. Don’t do this! He heard the refrain over and over and he felt more and more hollow the farther he got from New York and Ben.

  By the time he landed in Los Angeles, Landon could barely see straight, he was so drunk. He had just enough presence to find his bags, get into a taxi and tell him which hotel to drive to. The concierge took pity on Landon and made sure he was in bed, hugging an empty ice bucket before he left him. For the rest of his life, Landon would consider himself lucky for not getting robbed, raped or murdered his first night in Los Angeles.

  Chapter 24

  “Ben, baby… Why don’t you come to dinner with us?” Michelle asked as she peeled the blankets away from Ben’s face. He shook his head and burrowed deeper into his bed.

  “I don’t want to leave,” he muttered and there was a long sigh from Michelle.

  “Everything’s going to be alright,” she promised as she rubbed between his shoulders. “You have plane tickets to visit in two weeks,” she reminded Ben and he groaned.

  “How am I going to sleep for the next two weeks? I’m so used to him being here,” Ben complained. “And what happens after I visit? I’ll have to say goodbye at the airport again. It was terrible. I ugly cried. I’m pretty sure I scared several children. And I couldn’t leave until his plane was in the sky, I kept hoping he’d change his mind and come running back. I don’t want to go through that again,” he said.

  “But this is all temporary,” Jason said as he sat on the bed. “Eventually, you’ll figure out a way for you to be together without having to fly back and forth,” he added and Michelle glared.

  “Either Landon gives up his dream job and moves back to New York or we all have to move to California. As far as I can tell, this is the
opposite of temporary,” she said before she pushed him off the bed. Jason grimaced as he rubbed his thigh and stood.

  “You could go on some pretty incredible vacations with all the frequent flyer miles,” he offered and Michelle rolled her eyes.

  “This mess will sort itself out. Crying and hiding in your bed isn’t going to make it easier or time go any faster,” she said and Ben shook his head.

  “It still smells like him in here and I don’t want to go anywhere until I talk to him,” Ben insisted. He knew he was being a colossal baby and for once, he didn’t care. His heart felt like it was being ripped in half. Michelle sighed.

  “Fine. But I’m bringing you food and checking on you in a few hours,” she promised and Ben nodded.

  “Don’t worry about me, I’ll feel better after I talk to Landon,” he said and she gave him a pitying look as she stood.

  “I’ll see you in a little bit,” she whispered as she kissed Ben’s temple and left.

  An hour later, Ben felt a rush of relief and anticipation when his phone lit up and Landon’s face filled the screen.

  “Hey! How were your flights?” Ben asked, trying to sound cheerful and strong.

  “Ben,” Landon exhaled and warmth flooded Ben.

  “It sounds so good to hear your voice. I know it’s only been a day but I’ve been waiting by the phone until you called,” he admitted.

  “Bennnnnnn…” Landon sobbed and Ben couldn’t breathe.

  “Landon? Did something happen? Are you at your hotel yet?” He asked frantically.

  “Ben. Neeeeeeeed you,” Landon slurred and Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to control the rise and fall of his chest.

  “Where are you?” He asked loudly and Landon gasped.

  “You…are not an ice bucket. Thisssssss is so…so…wrong,” he mumbled and sobbed Ben’s name again before he ended the call.