The Renegade

by J. R. Ward

The weather. How original.

  Madeline nodded. “And, man, the snow is everywhere. I’ve forgotten how much they get up here. I was crazy to take the Viper, but I love that car. With so much of my time being spent on the ocean, I don’t get to drive it enough.”

  Gray and Alex came over. Cass faded to the edges of the group, looking around the room until she’d memorized where every piece of furniture was. She felt Alex watching her, but couldn’t meet his eyes. She just didn’t want to deal with all the emotions she was feeling, and if that made her a coward, fine. Paint her yellow.

  Abruptly he went over to Spike and said something to him. Spike left and came back with two large, thin presents that were wrapped with what looked like mathematical precision.

  Alex raised his voice. “Since we’re all here, I have something I want to give Frankie and Joy. Spike, prop them up on the couch, okay?”

  When the two gifts were against the sofa cushions, Alex checked the back of one and motioned his sisters forward.

  “Frankie you’re on the left. Joy, the right.”

  He stepped to the side.

  “What is it?” Frankie asked, staring at hers.

  “See, that’s the thing with presents. You have to open them.”

  “Who goes first?”

  “Together. I want you to do it together. Sorry there are no ribbons. I couldn’t find any I liked.”

  Frankie and Joy ripped the things open. And then just stood, staring.

  Cass leaned from side to side, trying to see what he’d given them.

  Alex cleared his throat awkwardly. “All right, maybe it wasn’t a good idea. But see—Here, move out of the way.”

  Cass gasped. The gifts were beautifully framed sets of sailboat drawings.

  Their father must have done them, she thought, putting her hand to her throat.

  “These are Dad’s,” Alex said. “I’ve gone through all of his plans and when I saw these two boats, I thought of you.” He eased himself down on the floor. “This one, Frankie, is a schooner, a three-master. She’ll take care of you. She’s the one you want when you have your crew with you and you’re in a storm. She’s stable, she’s responsive, she’s beautiful. She’ll never let you down. And her lines…just perfect.” He turned toward the other. “And, Joy, see this one, she’s the one you want when it’s just you and your woman and the two of you are going out at twilight. She’s a dream to captain because she’s maneuverable so she’ll let you enjoy the beauty of the ocean and share it with someone even if you’re at the helm. She’s a quiet ocean kind of girl, but she’s no dummy. You need to get home quick and she’ll take you as fast as the wind. She is totally reliable.”

  He sat back, looking at the drawings, hands on his thighs. “I tell you, when Dad drafted these, he had the two of you in mind. And all the markings are his. Well, except for the transom cross sections. I took the liberty of printing your names on them. I hope that’s okay.”

  There was total silence in the room as Alex focused on the sailboats and his sisters stared at him.

  Suddenly, he seemed to realize everyone had gone quiet, and he glanced over his shoulder, flushing. “Yeah, ah, sorry to monopolize the party. I just—” He coughed a little as he leaned on his cane to get off the floor. “Anyway…I wanted you to have them. Maybe you could, uh, hang them somewhere. If you wanted to.”

  There was a strangled sob. No, two of them.

  Frankie and Joy launched themselves at him, throwing their arms around their brother. The sounds of crying were muffled against his sweater.

  He stiffened and looked down at their heads with a frozen expression. Then he wrapped his arms around his sisters, pulling them closer, dropping his own head between theirs. Words were exchanged among the three, quietly.

  Cass used her fingertips to wipe away tears. Needless to say, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Even Spike was blinking furiously.

  When the trio pulled apart, Frankie smiled as she mopped up her face with a cocktail napkin.

  “This is so perfect,” she said, sniffling. “Those gifts on tonight of all nights.” She reached out for Nate and he took her hand, kissing her on the lips. “We’re pregnant,” she announced.

  Joy clasped her hands to her mouth and teared up all over again.

  Alex beamed, wrapped Frankie back in his arms and shook Nate’s hand. There were all sorts of congratulations and well-wishing and weepy smiling.

  The fabric of life, Cass thought as she watched. The basis of family.

  When it was appropriate, she stepped in and kissed Frankie on the cheek. Then she made a quick excuse to Libby and left the room.

  Her stomach was back on the roller coaster again, and she just wasn’t up to sitting at the table. There was no way she could pretend everything was all right any longer, and in the midst of such happiness, she didn’t want to be the pill in the corner with a frown on her face.

  As she went upstairs, she put her hand on her flat belly.

  She would never have what Frankie had, Cass thought. New life growing inside of her. The man she loved beaming and proud by her side. The happy announcement.

  Empty. So very empty.

  She wanted to cry, except it struck her as useless. So she undressed, got into bed and closed her eyes. For some reason she was cold even though she was under the covers.

  * * *

  Alex stared at Frankie, feeling the smile on his face stretch his cheeks until they burned.

  “So are you ready to be an uncle?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I am.”

  “Oh, Alex, those drawings.” Her eyes welled up. “That is the loveliest thing you’ve ever done.”

  Joy came up to him and took his hand. “Oh, Alex. They’re so beautiful, so thoughtful. I never expected you—”

  As his sister fell silent, he laughed a little. “Never expected me to what?”

  “To know how much it would mean to us.”

  “What made you think of it?” Frankie asked.

  He looked around. Everyone else was across the room, examining the plans in front of the couch. The three of them were alone.

  Might as well finish it, he thought.

  “You’ve had no help from me, no support, since the two of them died. And yet I come home, bashed up, needing all kinds of things, not the least of which being patience and understanding. You both took care of me. You never hesitated. I didn’t deserve it. I still don’t.”

  “Alex,” Frankie cut in, “you’re our brother—”

  “How do you figure that? I left you two here all by yourselves. Not real brotherly. Not the mark of a good man, either.” He cleared his throat. He was not going to cry. Damn it, he was not. “I’m going back out to sea.”

  He paused, taking in their stricken faces.

  “But I’m going to return here more often, and I want to help out. I know Grand-Em’s care is expensive. I want to pay for it.”

  The cost would take a chunk out of what he earned. After all, sailing was a rich man’s sport so the trophies were gorgeous, but the purses, even the America’s Cup, were small.

  “Alex, you don’t—” As he stared at Frankie, she had the good sense not to argue.

  He smiled and reached out to her belly.

  “The next Moorehouse,” he murmured.

  What would it be like, he wondered, to put his hand on a woman’s stomach and know that his son or daughter was nestled inside?

  He thought of Cassandra. It was crazy, but he wished she wasn’t on the Pill. And that they’d had unprotected sex every single night that she’d been up in Saranac.

  He wished she were pregnant.

  He glanced at the people by the couch and realized she was gone.

  “Cass went upstairs,” Joy explained. “She told Libby her stomach was still off.”

  “Do you know if she ate lunch?”

  “Libby said only some of her homemade chicken broth.”

  “Then I’ll take some more of that up to her.”

  Chapter
Sixteen

  When a knock sounded, Cass looked up from the novel she’d been skimming through.

  She pushed herself a little higher against the pillows. “Come in.”

  The door swung open. The big, dark shape between the jambs could only be Alex and he was holding a tray on his palm like a waiter would. She wondered how he’d worked the knob with his cane.

  But then, that was Alex. Great physical coordination.

  He stepped into the room and kicked the door shut. “Before you say anything, I owe you this, remember? You brought me food when I wasn’t doing too well.”

  She pulled the comforter up to her chin. Even though her flannel nightgown was as translucent as a two-by-four.

  “You can leave it over there on the bureau,” she said. “Thank you.”

  He ignored her and came to the bed. “You aren’t going to let me feed you this soup, are you?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  He put the tray down and sat on the edge of the mattress, his weight causing a dip she had to fight not to get swallowed into.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Fine.”

  His eyes narrowed. “No matter what I ask you, you’re going to answer fine, right?”

  “Alex—”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bait you.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “You’ve been working too hard.”

  “Not really.”

  “You need time off.”

  “I’m—”

  “Fine. Yeah, sure. Listen, maybe you should take a few days for yourself. Or a week. Maybe you could even take a vacation. Go somewhere with—” Alex’s face tightened “—O’Banyon or something.”

  God, she wanted to scream at him. “Alex, I’m going to give this one last shot and then I’m done, okay? There is nothing going on between Sean and me. That kiss you saw? It was the one and only time our mouths have ever met. I was…trying to feel something for him, but I didn’t. That’s the truth and I refuse to justify my business to you again.”

  Alex’s brows came down and his eyes shifted away. He took a long slow breath. “You felt nothing?”

  “No.”

  “O’Banyon did.”

  She shrugged. “I suppose.”

  Alex glanced at her. “He wants you.”

  “And he’s a grown-up so he’s willing to just be my friend. I don’t—Oh, hell, Alex, what are we even talking about this for?”

  He put his hands on his knees and shook his head. “Damn. Okay. I’m sorry that I read you and him wrong. I just assumed that…Well, the two of you look right together. So I just assumed…”

  From out of nowhere, she remembered him leaning over that half-naked sex goddess, Mad Dog. While the woman was wearing his boxers.

  Talk about looking right. The two of them were perfect together: beautiful, athletic, oozing raw sexuality. How he managed to stay away from the woman was a testament to his self-control because he and Mad were a hell of a combination.

  And, even though she shouldn’t bother, she felt for him; she really did. She was getting a good idea of how hard it was to want something you couldn’t have, and he had wanted his Miracle for years.

  “It’s really tough, isn’t it?” she murmured.

  “What is?”

  “Not being with the one you want.”

  He closed his eyes. “A living hell.”

  She stared at his strong profile. “Yes. Yes, it truly is.”

  As she looked at Alex, she thought about Reese. And remembered hearing his voice on the other end of the phone that night when his double life had finally been exposed.

  Alex’s woman would never have to worry about that. Had he actually been with his Miracle, had the two of them been in a relationship, he never would have taken Cass to bed. He never would have even looked at her.

  The confidence she had in him made her ache. She’d thought fidelity was relatively unimportant to her, that security and safety were enough. She’d been so very wrong. For a marriage to work, it all had to be there. Love and passion and monogamy and…

  “How much did you know?” she blurted out. “About Reese and the other women?”

  Alex’s head whipped around, shock peeling his eyelids back. “Excuse me?”

  Talk about putting the man in a difficult position. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

  “What did you just say?” he demanded harshly.

  She cowered back, but then realized he wasn’t angry, he was horrified.

  No doubt because he was surprised that she knew what had been going on.

  “You don’t…you don’t have to cover it up. I knew what was happening. I caught him red-handed one night about two years ago. Before then, I had suspected, but was never really sure.”

  Alex stared at her, his dark blue eyes unblinking. Maybe he was trying to form excuses in his head.

  God, she hoped he didn’t try and defend Reese or downplay the truth. She could understand Alex not wanting to get tangled up in his partner’s marriage. But she wouldn’t appreciate it if he glossed over the reality of the situation.

  Alex’s voice was stark. “He couldn’t have—He couldn’t have done that to you. How could he have done that?”

  His expression was so incredulous, so disgusted, she realized he truly knew nothing. Reese had hidden it from him, too.

  She felt like apologizing and realized that was utterly ridiculous.

  Alex grabbed her hand, squeezed it hard enough that her fingers hurt.

  “How could he have been with someone else?” He shook his head and eased his grip. “I’m sorry. That’s a BS question to ask you. I don’t want to pry.”

  Actually, it was a relief to talk to someone about it. She’d kept the whole sordid mess to herself, and the fact that Alex hadn’t known either made her feel less like a fool.

  “I did wonder why and I did get angry, but I never confronted him. Now that he’s gone, I wish I had. I despise myself for keeping quiet, because if I’d talked to him, maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter now. Maybe I could have mourned him more honestly.” She shifted her legs, emotions making her restless. “I will say that he was never disrespectful. He never brought it home. And he practiced safe sex. I found all these…condoms in the suitcases he used for travel.”

  She shuddered and took comfort by looking down at her hand in Alex’s. Suddenly she wanted him to know everything. Her past was another secret she kept, and she wanted to out it, too. She was so damn tired of the social-gloss and stiff-upper-lip routine she’d been clinging to for as long as she could remember.

  “Did you know he invented me? Well, we invented me. I come from absolutely nothing. No money. Mother and father who drank. I was lucky that I got into a state university on a scholarship, and when I graduated, I wanted to get as far away as I could from everything I’d known. I arrived in New York City with no illusions, and it was harder than I thought.” She took a deep breath. “I got a temp job at an architectural firm and that’s where I saw my future. I went to night school to get the degree. Reese was my first real client. He gave me access to his friends, helped start my firm, supported me socially. I married him eventually because it was the only thing he’d ever asked me for and I thought I loved him.”

  Cass felt something hit her face. When she wiped her cheek, it was wet. She rolled the tear back and forth between her thumb and forefinger until the thing disappeared.

  “I stayed with him, even though I knew he was with other women on those sailing trips, because he loved me and he was a huge part of my life and—God, this is hard to say…I knew I didn’t love him as much as I should have so I felt as though I couldn’t really demand monogamy. It almost didn’t seem fair.” She sighed, trying to release the tension in her shoulders and belly. “I will tell you, never again. I won’t…now I would never marry a man I didn’t love down to my soul and I would expect him to be faithful. Always.”

  “I thought you were both totally in love,” Alex said softly.

  “We weren�
��t. He loved me as best he could and it wasn’t enough. I cared for him deeply and it wasn’t enough. We were…very broken. Going along, going through the motions. He must have been unhappy, too, or he wouldn’t have been with the others. Or at least…I’d rather believe that than think he was incapable of being true to someone he loved. Because that would be a serious failing, don’t you think?”

  She thought back to the first four years of her marriage, when she and Reese had tried to conceive. After the night of that phone call, she’d stopped being able to make love to him. It just hadn’t felt right and he’d accepted her excuses.

  God, her marriage really had been falling apart, hadn’t it?

  More tears came to her eyes.

  “What is it?” Alex asked.

  “I didn’t want him to die. Truly I didn’t. I hear myself talking right now and I sound so bitter, but I think that’s because I’m looking at the marriage honestly for the first time. And it’s a shame that this is happening now, after he’s gone. I don’t think we would have lasted much longer together, but maybe we would have remained friends. He was a great friend. He could make me laugh—” She choked up.

  Remembering the good times was so hard, but there had been some. A lot, actually.

  Abruptly, she had an image of that aide in the nursing home and how awkward Alex had gotten when the woman had become emotional.

  “Anyway,” Cass muttered briskly. Her momentum was lost when she hiccupped and said nothing more.

  Alex let go of her hand.

  Oh, hell. She should have known not to go revealing her—

  He shifted around so he was lying next to her. Then he pulled her against him.

  Of course, that just made her want to weep in great gnashes and wails. And not because of Reese.

  Kindness from Alex ruined her. Made her see yet again that whatever she’d felt for Reese, those emotions had been something entirely different from what a woman could truly feel for a man. Gratitude, respect, affection, warmth, it had all been part of a mix she had thought was love.

  But she knew what had been missing now. The core of her had remained separate, apart from Reese.

  Not so with Alex. Tragically.

  As the great swell of emotion passed, she became aware of the smell of him, his aftershave mingling with a subtle scent that was only Alex. She felt his thigh running along hers and the thick pads of his pecs under her head. The warmth of him seemed to seep through the comforter and into her body.