The Privileges

by Jonathan Dee

  “Here’s the big discovery,” Marietta said. “Here’s the one aspect of this subject about which I know more than you. Sex where you’re trying to get pregnant is the absolute worst sex known to man. Another six weeks of this and I swear to God if I’m not knocked up we’re going to get divorced.”

  “Come off it,” said Cynthia. Her new martini was too full to lift without spilling, so she was hunched over in her chair trying to sip from it.

  “They always tell you that this is the true calling of sex, right? The higher purpose. It should be beautiful. Two people in love trying to create a new life. And let me tell you, it is easily the most joyless humping I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life. Remember Tom Billings?”

  Cynthia thought for a moment. “From freshman orientation?” she said.

  Marietta nodded ominously. “That was better than this,” she said. “I just want him to come already and get out of the room so I can lie there like an idiot holding my knees up in the air like I’m supposed to. You’d think it’s a guy’s dream, right? Just blow your load and get out. But no: he wants to act like he’s in some kind of weird Christian porno, going really slowly, stroking my hair, telling me that he loves me. Jesus!” She looked at Cynthia for a frozen moment, her mouth open in amazement, and then she started to laugh. “And he knows what I’m thinking, and I do feel sorry for him, but at the same time if this is all too hard on his fucking ego, well boo hoo. The last time we did it we didn’t even say a word to each other until the next day. Speaking of which,” she said, pulling her phone out of her purse, “I should give him a call. Today is supposed to be one of our prime fertility days. He has to come straight home from work and inseminate me, and if he’s forgotten, I’ll kill him. Excuse me a minute. Two more?” she said to the waiter.

  They were both laughing so hard by now that they had to steal napkins from the empty tables around them to wipe away tears, drawing stares from the pedestrians who passed in the sunlight just beyond the awning. Half an hour later they had hugged goodbye three times and vowed to see each other more often and Cynthia, drunk and paranoid, was on her way to Dalton to pick up the kids. She’d have to avoid conversation with the other mothers, but since they didn’t like her anyway, there wasn’t much trick to that. As for the kids, they weren’t old enough, she reassured herself, to be able to tell; besides, this being Tuesday, April had dance and Jonas had tee ball so it was just a matter of rushing them into a cab and racing around the East Side anyway. No worries about making conversation. The kids hated it when they were late for things.

  She remembered walking up this same stretch of Fifth Avenue years ago, when Jonas was still an infant, and as she waited for the light to change, one of those overly sunny old ladies who felt free to accost you whenever you were pushing a stroller had started pointing and cooing at him. When she was done she gazed up at Cynthia and said, “Enjoy this time. It goes by so fast,” and Cynthia said, Well then either my watch has stopped or one of us is nuts. Or maybe she hadn’t actually said that out loud. She couldn’t remember anymore.

  That had been a tough time, with both kids still in diapers. Still, even now, probably her dirtiest secret was that impatience for these years to be over: for them to be teenagers, at least, where they started to fend for themselves a little bit and where she wouldn’t have to spend so much time wondering whether she would prove equal to whatever bad thing might befall them. Most days were fine, but then once in a while she would feel herself caught in an afternoon that just seemed to refuse to pass. On the bright side, they were way ahead of most children their age, and part of that had to be that she made more than just a cameo appearance in their daytime lives, that unlike so many of their friends they weren’t being raised by nannies who ferried them dispassionately from place to place like they were especially valuable packages. She didn’t care whether or not they appreciated that now but some part of her was counting on their appreciating it later. And she hated it when people handed you that Norman Rockwell shit about kids growing up too fast; on the contrary, she looked forward to being able to talk to them almost as peers, maybe ask their advice once in a while instead of feeling like she had to have all the answers all the time. Anyway, when you considered the whole bazaar of damage that childhood exposed you to, was there even any such thing as growing up too fast?

  She checked her watch again; she’d checked it just a few seconds ago, but somehow five minutes had gone by, and she quickened her pace. She didn’t want to get there after the bell. Walking in the bright sunlight gave her a piercing headache, sort of like being drunk and hung over at the same time. As she searched her bag again for the sunglasses she already knew she’d left on the hall table at home, she heard a voice through the uncomfortable buzz inside her head, a voice that whispered too late. Too late.

  Which was ridiculous. She was barely thirty. At Adam’s old job there was a broker who used to be a professional dog walker, who graduated from business school at age thirty-five. Too late for what, exactly? It might have made a difference if there were some type of work she felt passionate about, or some particular skill she might cultivate into excellence, something a little more marketable than just above-average intelligence and fear of idleness. Marietta loved to make fun of her dissolute clients, but if you got her drunk enough she would start talking in dead earnest about her job in terms of second chances and the desire to repent. Well, if you got Cynthia drunk enough, Cynthia thought, she would cop to wanting to do some good in the world, or at least to feel like her presence in it was value-added. How, though? Without some framework, some resources, even your secret aspirations just curdled into sentimental bullshit.

  A lot of time seemed to have gone by very suddenly. The injustice of it, the knowledge that one could never go back to where one had started, to the old advantages, didn’t subside that day or the next. She knew that, every day, some woman somewhere did exactly what now seemed so impossible to her. Nevertheless she persisted in feeling that some sort of privilege had been stolen from her, not by the children, of course, but by someone.

  Private equity was considered old-school in some ways, because it still had one foot in the real: IPOs, profits on actual goods sold, even the occasional start-up, compared to which the ethereal instruments hedge funds dealt in were like some branch of astrophysics that generated money. It even called upon some old-fashioned people skills, which Adam turned out to possess in precocious abundance. You had to sit down with a guy, to listen to his pitch or to listen to whatever it was he talked about when he thought the pitch was over, in order to gauge whether he himself was the key to his own company’s prospects or whether, at some point down the line, extracting a worthwhile profit was going to require taking the whole thing out of his hands.

  Still, the ethereal was where the real money was, and everybody knew it. Parker in particular loved to bitch about how working at Perini was like driving some financial horse and buggy and how he couldn’t wait for the old man to loosen his grip a little bit so they could start making themselves into real players. He was eaten up by envy of guys he’d gone to Wharton with who were worth fifty million in these high-flying VCs they’d started maybe three years ago. At least once a week he tried to draw Adam into some conversation about how the two of them should walk out and start their own fund. It might even have been worth listening to, Adam thought, if it wasn’t for the fact that Parker sucked so bad at his job. He’d played football at Cornell and it was easy to see what Sanford had once liked about him, but lately the old man seemed to have soured on him completely. The more Parker worried about his own job security, the more contempt he showed privately for the whole operation, and the stupider high-risk shit he proposed in the hopes of proving his indispensability to the place once and for all.

  He came over to Adam’s desk one morning holding a manila folder and said, “Dude, can I run something by you?” He’d gone to Los Angeles for the weekend, to some decadent birthday party one of his B-school classmates had thrown f
or himself, and he’d returned to New York with the notion that Perini should get into the movie business. Commercial credit was tight enough now, apparently, that rather than scuttle existing projects, the smaller studios would take financing from anywhere. “Here’s the thing,” Parker whispered. “It’s kind of an outside-the-box idea, and if I go in there alone with it, he’ll hand my balls to me before he’s even heard what I have to say. But if you go in there with me, he’ll give it a chance. He fucking loves you. So will you just go in there with me? You don’t even have to say anything.”

  Adam was pretty sure that even five minutes’ thought would reveal the idea as a terrible one. But he felt both pity and fascination when it came to Parker, who seemed more and more capable of some kind of epic crash and burn; and he knew Sanford would recognize that he was there only as a favor. Plus it was such a lunatic idea that he hated the thought of not being in the room when Sanford heard it. “When?” he said.

  Parker beamed. “No time like the present,” he said.

  The rear wall of Sanford ’s office was floor-to-ceiling glass that looked out over the Hudson. It was all dark wood and leather and had so much nautical crap in it that he might have stood by the window and imagined he was in some sort of high-tech crow’s nest. It was pouring rain out there and much darker than it should have been. Parker nervously laid it out for him, and with a glance at Adam the old man gestured for the manila folder to be handed to him. He pored over Parker’s analysis, not impatiently. At one point he looked up and said, “But who is Joe Levy?”

  “Production head,” Parker said.

  “Yes, I see that, but who is he? What’s he done? What sort of track record does he have in terms of, you know, actually making money?”

  Parker shifted in his seat. “Well, he’s produced numerous films as an independent,” he said. “Boathook was one that did pretty well, in a box-office sense. But really what’s intriguing about him is mostly a matter of pedigree. He’s the son of Charles Levy, who was the head of UA back in the glory days. A legendary guy. Something like five or six Oscars. Joe grew up surrounded by all the great minds in the business.”

  Sanford made a snorting noise. “That’s it?” he said, and leaned back in his chair. “His father? What is it, some sort of feudal system out there?”

  “Kind of, actually,” Parker said.

  But Sanford was getting on a roll. “Were more chilling words ever spoken,” he said, putting the folder down, “from the investor’s point of view, than ‘he’s the son of the founder’? He figures the old man made it look so easy, how hard can it be? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’s a lovely guy. I’m sure the parties are amazing. But I’m always leery of guys who do that, who step into their fathers’ shoes. You know why? Because usually they’re Pete Rose Junior. I mean, my father was a tailor. Should I have gone into that business? Do you suppose I had some kind of genetic affinity for it? What about you? What does your father do?”

  Parker was nodding now, trying to get out in front of the idea that the whole proposal had been a lark to begin with. “He’s a tax attorney,” he said.

  “Well then maybe you missed your calling. Maybe you should be a tax attorney too. Adam, how about you? What’s your father’s trade?”

  Adam smiled. “Pipe fitter,” he said.

  The eyes of the other two men met for a silent moment, and then they burst into laughter. “I can just see it!” Sanford said. “So maybe you’re considering going into business with him?”

  “Not likely,” Adam said. “He’s dead.”

  He’d meant it as what it was, a fact, but it came out all wrong. He could tell from their faces. One thing he did not like was for people to feel sorry for him. When the sympathy faded, they would remember the weakness, and then one day they would turn around and shank you.

  The rain made for an odd effect forty floors up, because you didn’t get to see it hit anything on the way down, it was just a kind of static in the gray air.

  “Jesus Christ,” Sanford said. His voice was very different. He had a sentimental streak in him-everybody knew about it, and some weren’t above playing on it, but Adam really hadn’t been trying to do that. “I didn’t know.”

  “Did he die like when you were a kid or something?” Parker said.

  Adam thought for a moment. “A little less than a year ago,” he said.

  “What?” Sanford said. “You don’t mean when you were working here.”

  “Just before.”

  “I had no idea. Was he sick?”

  “No,” Adam said. “Well, yes and no. He died of a coronary, but it was his third one.”

  “How old was he?”

  “Sixty-two.”

  Sanford turned white. “I had no idea,” he said.

  “Well, that’s okay,” Adam said. He waited for the conversation to resume. Sanford was looking right into his face like he wasn’t even there, like he was some portrait of himself. Finally he tapped the folder with his forefinger. “Why don’t I look this over,” he said. Adam and Parker nodded and got up to leave, and they didn’t really speak for the rest of the day, though Parker must have been talking to others there; Adam could tell by the way they stared at him when they thought he wasn’t looking. At the end of the day he felt hyper and irritable and wanted nothing more than to get out for a run, but the rain was so heavy now you almost couldn’t see the river anymore. Then he had a brainstorm: he grabbed his gym bag and went down to the basement, but the pool was already locked, even though it was just a few minutes after six. By the time he got back up to the fortieth floor the office had cleared out completely. He went and looked out Sanford ’s window for a while, and then he went back to his desk and picked up the phone.

  “Nice weather we’re having,” Cynthia said. “I thought you might be on your way already.”

  “What are you doing right now?” Adam said.

  “Doing? What am I doing?”

  “Can you call that Barnard girl? Do you think we could get her to come over and babysit right now?”

  “I’m sure we could not,” Cynthia said. “Why?”

  “Because here’s what I want to do,” he said, watching the lights flicker on the phones in the silent office. “I want to check into a hotel with you for a couple of hours. I want to go to the nicest place we can think of and have a good dinner and some wine and then I want to take you to bed. I want you to think of something you’ve never asked me to do before and then I’ll do it. I want to amaze you. I want complaints from the front desk. I want to get kicked out of there. Seriously, I am as hard as a rock right now just thinking about you.”

  She laughed delightedly. “I believe I’m getting the vapors,” she said. “You better hope this phone’s not tapped, pervert. Maybe you need to call that number for when you experience an erection lasting more than four hours.”

  “I’m not kidding, though,” Adam said. “I love you. Seriously, the kids are old enough to be by themselves for a couple of hours, right?”

  “No,” she said indulgently, “they are not. They do go to bed early, though. So here’s my counterproposal.” He could hear her walking with the phone into another room. “After they’re asleep, you sit down on the couch, and I will bring you a Scotch, and then I will kneel in front of that couch, and whatever happened to you today, I’m betting that between me and the Scotch we will make it all better. Okay? I love you too, by the way. And I do like the way you think. But this way we won’t have any visits from Child Protective Services. Okay?”

  “Okay,” he said.

  “We will call that Plan B,” Cynthia said. “Now come home.”

  He hung up. It was almost dark now, and the rain on the windows made for a beautiful effect on the opposite wall, like a bleeding shadow. He called the car service and fifteen minutes later he was in the back seat of a limo that sat motionless in the rain on 57th Street, in traffic that was so bad he felt like time had stopped.

  Isn’t your father dead, Barry? he had wanted
to say. Doesn’t everybody’s father die? Isn’t that what happens? But he’d figured the less he said, the sooner they’d move on. For a long time Adam had known his father mostly as a short-fused bastard, but then in his teenage years something had shifted, and he’d felt like both his parents were a little afraid of him. It wasn’t such a bad feeling, actually.

  Even when he wiped the windows with the back of his hand he couldn’t see outside. It didn’t feel like they were moving at all. He thought about laying into the driver for taking 57th in the first place, but that wouldn’t make him feel any better. He just needed for a new day to start.

  Sanford owned several secondary homes, but the one of which his current wife was most enamored was in Cornwall, Connecticut, two hours and then some outside the city. The following Thursday at lunch he decided aloud that Adam should visit them there that very weekend, and should bring his wife and kids; initially Adam wasn’t sure how seriously to take him, especially since this was a lunch at Gramercy Tavern that featured lots of wine, but when San-ford’s secretary faxed him driving directions the next day, he phoned Cynthia and gave her the news. She was a sport about it. She asked if the kids should pack their bathing suits, and he answered that he didn’t have the slightest idea.

  “I owe you one,” he said. He was actually thinking about San-ford’s wife, whom he had met but Cynthia had not. He didn’t see that going particularly well.

  He spent Friday laughing off the mostly good-natured stink eye from everyone else at Perini, none of whom had ever been graced with such an invitation before, though they’d all been employed there longer than he had. The drive upstate the next morning opened gradually into the kind of calendar-art New England hillscape Adam had grown up in-stone walls, church spires, village greens-but Sanford’s house, down at the end of a dirt road they passed twice before finding, was a white Regency-style mansion so gigantic and out of place it looked like a theme park. It sprawled across an expensively produced clearing as if it had been dropped there from the air. Adam turned off the car and the four of them got out and stared. In its inappropriateness the house was so self-absorbed that it could have sprung fully formed from the head of Sanford’s awful wife; still, the sheer ballsiness of it, the arrogance required to raze whatever must have been here before in order to erect this monstrosity precisely where it didn’t belong, was kind of impressive. He knew Sanford had a lot of money but sometimes even someone in Adam’s job had to be reminded what the phrase “a lot of money” really meant.