A Heart of Shame

by Kristen Banet

  She didn’t want to spend the entire day wrapped up in thoughts about what she used to be. This was supposed to be the first day of a new world order, a new life where she could do some good and be free of the weight of those secrets.

  While the secrets were out, she still felt the weight, and nothing was going to free her mind like a ride on her BMW would. She could take her Audi out while it was raining, but it was a clear summer morning in Georgia. The perfect time for a ride on the motorcycle.

  She knew by the missing truck that Elijah and the guys were already gone. She pushed her helmet on, positioning the visor over her face. She swung a leg over her bike and tore out through the garage door he’d left open.

  For ten seconds, she felt like the wind. That initial rush of starting off onto an open road where no one and nothing was in her way. Once that wore off, she kicked up the speed and truly flew.

  Sawyer didn’t worry about accidents. If she was stupid enough to get in one, she knew to immediately sublimate and slow herself down. The bike would be ruined but she would come out of it unharmed.

  Half way to town, though, the sirens sounded behind her and she growled to herself.

  First day back on her motorcycle, get pulled over.

  Fantastic.

  She slowed down and moved to the shoulder. She cut the bike off while the police car pulled up behind her. She slowly removed her helmet and waited patiently for the fat sheriff to get out of his car. When he approached her, she smiled at him.

  “Good morning, sir. Fine day out,” she said, letting her Southern accent slip out on purpose.

  “It is,” the sheriff grunted. He had a rough smoker’s voice, and she bet he did two packs a day. He cleared his throat and looked her over. “You know why I pulled you over?”

  “I was speeding, sir.” Sawyer didn’t feel any magic coming off him and knew he wasn’t a Magi. Even then, she probably didn’t even need to do that. He was in non-Magi law enforcement and therefore couldn’t be a Magi. It just wasn’t allowed. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “Driver’s License and registration, please, Miss,” the sheriff commanded, and she sighed. She pulled the small pack of her back and opened it.

  The sheriff had the balls to put his hand on his sidearm before she even reached inside.

  “Sheriff, if I wanted to kill you, I wouldn’t need a gun,” she snapped at him, “or anything else in this bag.”

  “Is that so?” The sheriff glared at her, and she saw a vein pulse in his forehead.

  “I’m a new member of Vincent’s team with the International Magi Police Organization,” she informed him, reaching into her bag. The day before, Vincent had given her all new legal identification. It was probably the first set of legally acquired IDs that she’d ever had—at least in her adult years. She handed the sheriff her driver’s license and her IMPO identification.

  “This doesn’t make you above the law, Magi.” The sheriff held up the IMPO identification and the cute little badge she got to carry. She didn’t like how he stressed Magi at her, when her name was right in his hands. She hadn’t realized the guys had that type of person living so close to home. Or she hoped the sheriff wasn’t that type of person. Anti-Magi assholes became more common in the more rural areas. She didn’t want to be living in an area with them. They tended to cause trouble that they couldn’t in the city.

  “I didn’t think it did,” Sawyer mumbled. She hadn’t, she just thought he would like to know who she was. “I’m more than willing to take whatever ticket you give me.”

  “Good,” he huffed and then walked back to his car. She waited for him to bring the ticket for her to sign. She wasn’t going fast enough to get her license revoked, but it would be pretty hefty, that much she could guarantee.

  Vincent was going to be pissed.

  It took nearly thirty minutes, for some unknown reason, and Sawyer was let go, ticket shoved into her bag. She kept it slow the rest of the way into town and parked at a small coffee shop. She was still frowning over the sheriff when she walked in the little café and ordered a mocha latte. She stopped frowning as she sat down at a little table and took a sip.

  She hadn’t spent too much time in town, yet. She had run errands with the guys on occasion, like the day Jasper kissed her, but she had never taken time to sit and take it in.

  Grace Hills, Georgia. Population five-hundred forty-three. She’d done her research on the little, one-main-street town. All the kids went to school three towns over. Two street lights, one hardware store, one café, a small building they called a town hall. The town didn’t even get its own water tower. There were two churches, Baptist and Methodist. There was a small general goods store that also stocked groceries, a little mom and pop place. A bar, the one where she picked up the guys with Elijah and Quinn.

  Sawyer was very far away from her life in the big city. She continued to sip her drink as the sheriff pulled through town. She didn’t like the way he looked at her bike and groaned softly. A couple women walked in, looked at her, blanched, and looked away.

  Sawyer ignored the older one’s quiet comment about how Sawyer needed to go back to her own country.

  Yup, she was back in the deep backwoods of Georgia, where being a bit brown was possibly the worst thing she could have been. Fantastic. Magi on top of it? She really didn’t think Grace Hills was going to become home anytime soon. Or even mildly comfortable.

  She took another sip of her drink, watching the other people inside the café. It seemed Friday mornings at the little café was the place to be. She ignored the side looks and just watched the locals meander about the small place.

  Then she saw a waitress slip, and Sawyer couldn’t stop herself from using a bit of magic.

  Sawyer blinked over and caught the young woman around the waist before she hit the floor and landed in the shattered glass of a coffee pot. Sawyer pulled the young woman away just in time for none of the hot coffee to hit her, but Sawyer got splashed on her leg, causing her to hiss in pain. Scalding hot water was hot. She would need to ask one of the guys to look at that. Her leathers would protect her from most damage, but she felt there was a chance it could blister.

  There was silence. She released the waitress and stepped back, looking down at the coffee pot. People were staring, some gaping, others pale.

  Oh yeah, they didn’t see Magi using magic here very often. Sawyer had probably just blown their little, narrow minds.

  “I’ll go,” she whispered, stepping back again. The waitress only nodded, not even saying thank you. Sawyer left her drink on the table, grabbed her things and hustled out.

  Her first day of freedom was shaping up to be a bit of a disaster. Just what she needed, to cause a scene. She jumped back on her motorcycle. It was time to go home before she caused some international incident in the tiny town of less than six hundred people. That would be something only she could pull off. She could easily put Grace Hills, Georgia on the map if she wanted to too. She didn’t.

  She needed to ask the guys about the local feelings about Magi before she tried to be helpful again. Or before she inevitably got pulled over again by the old, fat sheriff.

  Because that would happen. She liked to go fast, very fast.

  4

  Zander

  “We shouldn’t have gotten drunk last night.” Jasper groaned. “Why did I let you convince me it was a good idea?”

  “I’m not really sure,” Zander mumbled, rubbing his neck. It was stiff, thanks to the awful position he’d passed out in. He’d thought that drowning away his feelings had been a great idea. He always seemed to forget that the morning after was shitty.

  “At least we have our Range Rover back?” Jasper sighed, leaning back in the driver’s seat. Zander noted they hadn’t started moving yet, though.

  “Can we go home?” Zander asked, leaning his seat all the way back.

  “Yeah,” Jasper muttered, turning the damn thing on. Zander thought about the night before.

  “I said
some things last night,” Zander whispered. “About Sawyer, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah, but they were things you’ve said before in about a hundred different ways.” Jasper grunted. “Zander, you have got to back off with her.”

  “I don’t want to,” he said, looking at the roof of the car. “She’s our Sawyer, Jasper. I don’t care what else has happened, she’s ours.”

  “You say that,” Jasper said with a bite. “But you’ll go out to Atlanta in a few weeks, get drunk again, pick up some blonde that specifically doesn’t remind you of Sawyer, and fuck her until you forget. Like always.”

  Zander winced. Yeah, his life since they realized Sawyer was missing had been one of easy bodies, hard hearts, and quick rendezvous.

  “Not anymore,” Zander promised. “She’s back in our lives, permanently. Sure, if things hadn’t played out the way they did, she would have left. And I’d be going back to that, but now she’s here. I saved her life—"

  “Don’t be stupid enough to use that against her,” Jasper growled at him. “Don’t even think about it.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” Zander snarled, sitting up. “I saved her life, and now she’s on the team. We saved her life. She’s got a chance at putting all that shit behind her. And we can…”

  “You are so lovesick,” Jasper mumbled.

  He was. Zander knew deep down that no one was ever going to be better than Sawyer. Now he needed to convince Jasper and Sawyer. Jasper was fighting his own rigid sense of morality, and Sawyer was wallowing somewhere in the dark, thinking happiness wasn’t for her. Sure, they could both plaster on a smile and laugh, but at the end of the day, Zander knew they were at war with themselves.

  “How are you feeling?” Zander asked softly. “About everything?”

  “I don’t know,” Jasper whispered. “I’m missing a leg…that fucking sucks. Sawyer is alive and staying with us, that’s amazing.”

  “Not what I was asking about, though… sorry about the leg. I knew when I saw it that I couldn’t save it,” Zander apologized, swallowing a lump in his throat. He remembered the sight of Jasper’s crushed lower left leg. He remembered the shock Jasper was going into. Since the hospital, Jasper was coping well mentally with it. The team was thankful for that, at least.

  “My leg isn’t yours or Quinn’s fault.” Jasper sighed. “As for what you are asking about… Zander, I just don’t know. I’m furious enough to hunt Axel down just to rip his head off. I’m sad enough that I sometimes want to lay in bed and not deal with it. And Sawyer… she killed people, Zander. She was infamous for it. And that’s hard to take in.”

  “Is it?” Zander frowned. “Personally, I think it’s great. Not the Shadow part but… She’s strong enough to survive, and she did it all to protect people she cared about. That’s got to mean something. She never did any of it willingly. Her animal bond and a boy’s life were on the line. You can’t judge her for that—"

  “Look,” Jasper snapped at him. “You asked me how I’m feeling, I’m telling you. Let’s not make an argument out of it right now.”

  Zander wanted to. He wanted to shake Jasper until he rattled his friend’s brain enough that Jasper stopped caring about Sawyer’s past. Zander’s temper built at the idea that Jasper would condemn Sawyer over her history. He wanted to scream that none of it was her fault. It was theirs for leaving her.

  “Jasper, we need to talk about it,” Zander growled.

  “It’s been three and a half days since she woke up, Zander!” Jasper hissed, turning to him. “Give me some fucking time, please. That’s all I’m asking. Give this some time to settle. She doesn’t have any secrets anymore, and now we can really talk to her. Give me a chance to do that. Then you can argue with me, her, and anyone else you want. You can kick down my door and strangle me if I don’t agree with you. But you need to give me some time to figure it out.”

  Zander went silent, fuming at Jasper’s avoidance of the conversation. He didn’t care if Jasper had a point. He could ignore that. Zander dealt with problems the moment they showed up, and he didn’t need time to figure out what he wanted. Jasper could drag his feet.

  Zander was going to get Sawyer, with or without him.

  He stormed off the moment Jasper parked the Range Rover in the garage. He went down to the gym and wrapped his hands quickly. He was going to exercise, beat out the frustration.

  His workout was rapid-fire, and he was probably in the gym for an hour. He hit a rhythm, hitting the punching bag until he was sure his knuckles were bruised.

  He was mad that Jasper was right, and Zander didn’t want him to be. Sawyer killed people under a name that brought fear to the hearts of Magi in power all over the world. Her combination of abilities, the depth and strength of her magic, it was no wonder she was so good at it. She could beat him into the mat without thinking. She ran circles around Elijah in armed combat.

  And he wanted her.

  He stopped hitting the punching bag and rested his forehead on it, holding it to stop the swaying.

  He wanted her like he always had. He just didn’t care about what she did as Shadow, under Axel’s thumb, and he didn’t want anyone else to care. He wanted everyone to get the fuck over it. He wanted to chase the shadows from her eyes.

  Zander had fucked a lot of women since he’d discovered what sex was. A lot. Even a couple guys, though he didn’t swing that way like Elijah.

  None of them had ever been her. He could still remember that night. He shouldn’t have done it. He and Jasper were leaving. She was a girl with a crush on her only two friends. And it was the best night of his life. He’d spent years chasing it, chasing her, chasing the connection he’d had with her. The friendship, the camaraderie, the closeness without it being overbearing or heavy.

  He tried sleeping with a girl who had looked like her once, and it had gone horribly. It was like he’d had an imposter in his bed.

  “Fuck me.” Zander groaned. He punched the bag several more times. Catching Axel should have fixed everything. She was safe, alive.

  He hadn’t realized the depth of her secrets and how those would carry over into the aftermath. He just wanted his family back together. Zander knew he was going to have to fight for that.

  He wasn’t going to let this family throw it all away like his first had. Like his mother had thrown him away.

  He was stepping out of the shower hours later when he felt the crack of power roll through the house. Someone had pissed off Quinn.

  He sighed as Elijah jumped out of his room. Zander looked over to him and shrugged.

  “I just got out of the shower,” Zander told him. “What do you think happened?”

  “They are doing work for their GEDs right now.” Elijah groaned. “Want to come with me and check on them?”

  “Yeah.” Zander sighed. “Let me put on pants.” He pulled the towel off his waist and walked nude back to his room. Elijah was chuckling behind him. “Enjoy the view.” Zander laughed before going into his room.

  “Dick,” Elijah called after him, and Zander broke out in a grin as he grabbed a pair of sweats. He pulled them on, not bothering with anything else.

  He and Elijah made it downstairs and found Vincent in the hallway outside his office, pale.

  “Don’t go in there,” Vincent warned them. “Quinn’s pissed today, and I can’t figure out why. I sent Sawyer off to do her down-work nearly an hour ago, so it’s not her.”

  Zander looked at Elijah, who shrugged at him this time.

  “I’ll check in on him,” Elijah whispered. “Back me up. Is Jasper in there?”

  “Yeah, but he’s not mad at Jasper,” Vincent mumbled darkly. Zander raised his eyebrows. What had their fearless leader done to piss Quinn off this much? They hadn’t had a house shake in nearly a year.

  Elijah led them in, and Zander quickly moved to Jasper’s side. Jasper was pale but unharmed. Elijah closed in on Quinn, who snarled.

  “What’s wrong, brother?” Elijah asked quietly.

  �
��Nothing,” Quinn snapped. “Nothing at all.”

  Zander didn’t need any special ability or magic to know that was a lie. He looked down at Jasper, who shook his head ever so slightly.

  “What did Vincent do?” Elijah inquired carefully. Zander heard an indignant noise come from Vincent.

  “Nothing,” Quinn said softer this time. “I’m just in a bad mood. It’s nothing.”

  “Go for a run.” Elijah sighed. “Clear your head. You can come back to this tomorrow.”

  Everyone in the room waited with bated breath to see how Quinn would take Elijah’s order. Vincent might have been their leader, but Elijah always had a way with Quinn the rest of them didn’t. Zander didn’t know if it was because of their relationship, or if the relationship was a result of Elijah’s handling of Quinn.

  Quinn started to leave the room before Elijah grabbed him gently.

  “We’re talking about this later,” Elijah said with stern conviction. “Don’t back-slide on us. When something’s bothering you, you need to talk.”

  Zander looked down at Jasper again and narrowed his eyes. Jasper glared up at him from his seat. Vincent moved closer to them so Quinn could leave.

  They all started breathing again once Quinn was out of the house and in the woods.

  “He hasn’t been that cranky in a long time,” Elijah mumbled. “Vincent, what happened?”

  “He’s out of practice on his more advanced reading.” Jasper sighed, cutting in before Vincent could speak. “He was having a hard time with reading some things, especially the required Shakespeare and stuff. Vincent tried to help. It’s slowed his progress in the science work because I can’t move him on until I know he can… read the words.” Elijah muttered a curse. “And he needs to be able to read to take the tests. We just need to get him through the damn tests and we can let this all go.”

  “He hates reading, and he’s feeling inadequate,” Elijah guessed, looking up at the ceiling. He pulled his hat off and dusted off invisible dirt. “I should have noticed it at breakfast. He hasn’t been so angry about learning anything in a long time.”