A Heart of Shame

by Kristen Banet

  It was terrifying and oddly beautiful, to see a woman so dangerous. He knew Zander was entranced by it, and Jasper took a moment to admit that he kind of was too. Sawyer was a woman who felt deeply, in all ways. That was admirable, even if he normally saw the grief, guilt, and rage.

  “We have the boy,” Vincent called out. Jasper turned and saw Gabriel crying as Zander knelt in front of him and checked for injuries. Jasper turned back to Cory and pulled out his handcuffs.

  “Thank God he decided to run instead of taking Gabriel hostage,” Jasper said, snapping one wrist into a cuff, then another, both behind Cory’s back. Once those were on, he just left the young man on the floor, chest down. He wouldn’t be going anywhere. The team didn’t use normal handcuffs under any circumstances.

  “Yeah,” Sawyer mumbled, staring down at the serial killer. He searched her face and noticed the anger had faded. Something else had taken its place. Regret? Guilt? Confusion? He didn’t really understand it. “He’s young, isn’t he?”

  “Nineteen,” Jasper sighed, also looking down at Cory. “Too young to be a serial killer.”

  “I… I was an assassin at nineteen,” Sawyer whispered.

  Jasper snapped his gaze back up to her face. She looked up and he saw grief in her eyes.

  “What are you thinking?” Jasper asked quietly. Elijah walked up to them and hauled Cory off the floor and looked between them without saying anything.

  “Nothing,” Sawyer mumbled. “Let’s just get out of here.” She began to walk away from him and toward the rest of the team with Elijah.

  “Alright.” Jasper said, wondering where her head was. He needed to know, needed to understand. He wasn’t good with feelings, but he wanted her to know she could share hers with him. He would listen. He would always be willing to listen. “Wait, Sawyer.”

  She turned and walked back to him, not meeting his eyes.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “He’s just like me,” Sawyer groaned, waving a hand to Cory. “All he wanted was to be… good in the eyes of those he respects and loves. That’s all he wanted.”

  “Sawyer,” Jasper gasped. “You and him... you are not the same.”

  “Aren’t we?” Sawyer growled, looking at him with so much pain in her eyes. “Aren’t we?” she asked again, weaker this time.

  “No,” Jasper said, reaching out to her. She evaded his grasp.

  “We’ve both done terrible things to try and prove ourselves, try and do something right and good in the world. We’re both labeled as monsters.” Sawyer glared down at her hands. “You didn’t knock my aim off. I couldn’t kill him. I couldn’t do it.”

  “Sawyer, he killed innocent people. You’ve never done that. You are more like this team then you are like him,” Jasper said with a conviction he now felt. They had just tortured Stevenson to save a boy, and Jasper knew, in this moment, that he could live with that. Just like he knew that Sawyer wasn’t evil, or a monster. She was just like them. Just like him. He had no right to judge her anymore. He’d never had a right. “And you’ve saved innocent people. He doesn’t do that. He’s looking for something that doesn’t exist because his father spent his entire life bastardizing his very feelings and identity. Look at this case, Sawyer. You used all those skills that I bash you for having as skills we could use. That made this team stronger, that helped us find a killer. You belong with us, and you are nothing like Cory. Sawyer, you are good. You aren’t, and have never been, a monster.”

  He hoped his words meant something. There was a long stretch of silence as he realized they were the only two people left in the farmhouse. Sawyer only looked at his face like he’d given her a gift and was left speechless.

  He opened his mouth to say more but didn’t get a chance as Sawyer’s hands took hold of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss that silenced all thought. He stood, shocked, but only for a second before grabbing her hips and yanking her closer to deepen the kiss. Her tongue dove into his mouth this time, and she claimed him. He loved every second of it and, at the worst possible moment in his life, he got hard as her body pressed up against his.

  He chalked it up to the adrenaline of catching a serial killer and saving a young boy’s life. That must be why he could get a boner at this moment.

  A cough made her pull away, leaving Jasper bereft and wanting more. Jasper turned to the offending noise and saw Zander there, smiling.

  “Well, look at this!” Zander laughed. Sawyer groaned, and Jasper saw her roll her eyes. “Do I get one?”

  “No,” Sawyer bit out as she turned on her heel and left the farmhouse. Zander continued to laugh as he smacked Jasper in the gut.

  “We’ll talk to her at home, eh?” Zander chuckled. “Let’s get out of here. We need to haul Cory back to Stevenson’s place while Sawyer, Vincent and Elijah take Gabriel to Dallas. We’re stuck on waiting duty for Dallas to send a few more guys to pick them up.”

  “Sure,” Jasper mumbled a bit petulantly. Of course, he got to kiss Sawyer again and immediately lose her to the job again. “Fantastic.”

  “How was it?”

  “Amazing.” Jasper sighed.

  24

  Elijah

  Elijah gave Gabriel over to the Dallas officers at the main office in Dallas-Fort Worth, and sighed happily, watching Gabriel find Cara and the others. They knew each other from church. They would have friends where they were going. Elijah silently wished them all well. They hadn’t told Gabriel what had happened to his family, yet, knowing the boy didn’t deserve to hear that crammed into an Explorer with a bunch of big scary people protecting him. Now he would have Cara holding his hand, like she was already his big sister, too.

  Poor kid, Elijah thought to himself.

  This case was riddled in tragedy, and he held onto a small bit of hope for those four kids, anyway. If people like their team could keep going forward, then those kids could do it, too. He had faith in them.

  “You okay?” Vincent asked him, standing next to him. Sawyer smoked a cigarette about five feet away, in the shade.

  “Yeah,” Elijah said with a nod, “I’m alright. Glad this is over for the most part. For us, at least.”

  “Once they have Stevenson in custody, Dallas is going to help the non-Magi permanently shut down God’s Will.” Vincent said. Elijah saw Sawyer nod. She must not have known what was going on. “And they will get the kids into homes or the orphanage, once they get the help they need. That’s good.”

  “Yeah,” Sawyer agreed softly, taking a drag of her smoke. “That is good.”

  “Are you feeling okay?” Vincent asked her, turning completely.

  “Yup.” Sawyer’s eyes darted around, as if to see if there was a reason she wouldn’t be. Elijah thought it looked shifty as hell, and it was kind of adorable.

  “Want to talk about any of this?” Vincent asked, crossing his arms. Elijah wanted to laugh at the game that was starting up. A question followed by a short or evasive answer. Every time. “You know, maybe you should talk to Cory. Ask him why he jumped into your dreams, taunted you like that. I won’t, no one will, unless you want us to.”

  “I don’t really want you to,” Sawyer informed them, taking a drag of her smoke. “I don’t really want to know. I have my theories, but… I would rather have no answer on this than one that might give me more nightmare fuel than I already have. Plus… I don’t know. Am I the only person who felt… this was easy?” Sawyer frowned at them.

  “It was and it wasn’t,” Elijah conceded, thinking about it. “It was tense… but serial killers? Once we find them, they aren’t that good at hiding again.”

  “They normally prove evasive, but they aren’t fighters. We outnumber them, they are normally deranged and distracted with other ideas and thoughts. Unless we’re chasing an intelligent sociopath. Those are a pain, but Cory wasn’t one of those. Neither was Stevenson. Both need help, definitely. Cory will spend most of his lifetime in prison getting help but… I wasn’t expecting a boy to put up much of a fight. At lea
st he didn’t kill Gabriel.”

  “It just…” Sawyer shook her head at them. “I expected something… more.”

  “Another Axel?” Elijah coaxed it out of her. He wanted to know where she was thinking this was going to go.

  “Yeah?” Sawyer made a confused and slightly frustrated face. “I guess?”

  “Not everything is going to be like that. Axel was a one-off. An anomaly. Not every case is going to have fights like that.” Vincent contributed, helping Elijah set her straight about this. Elijah knew what she was thinking. This seemed tame in the end, compared to her introduction to their line of work. “Also, you were able to take Cory down without killing the poor boy.”

  “He… didn’t deserve to die,” Sawyer admitted to them. Elijah knew that. The entire team believed that Cory didn’t deserve to die with a knife buried in his chest, confused and just trying to earn love he never could get. He was proud of her for making that decision, too. That boy needed help. He would never walk free, but he still deserved some sort of life and some chance to heal. Maybe one day he could use his healing magic for its real purpose.

  “No, he didn’t,” Vincent agreed softly as Elijah just gave a nod.

  They let silence fall over the conversation. Elijah flicked glances between Vincent and Sawyer, wondering if they were going to talk about the new situation between them now. Elijah chuckled. Vincent and Elijah knew about that hot-ass kiss she and Jasper shared, and she’d been quiet since Elijah badgered her about it. Zander couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

  “So, you and Jasper?” Elijah finally spoke up, grinning. “Want to talk about that?”

  “Not really,” Sawyer huffed out. She looked at him then to Vincent. “I kissed Jasper. You got anything to say about that?”

  “No,” Vincent chuckled finally, looking away from her. Elijah started laughing.

  “I’m obviously out of the loop on something and I’m starting to dislike it,” Sawyer mumbled, flicking her cigarette.

  Elijah just continued to laugh harder as Vincent tried to tell her there was nothing, a blatant lie to keep the peace for a moment. That would come back to bite Vincent. She had no idea. None. It was too wonderful. It was absolutely hilarious. They needed her focused on the case, so none of them had told her what they had decided.

  Elijah sobered as he remembered that he still needed to talk to Quinn about it. He had a sneaking suspicion that Quinn would be fine, preoccupied with his own stuff, but it was still important to let him know. Quinn could be unpredictable if he decided something was his and everything else was a threat. To maintain the peace, he was going to need to get Quinn to understand that Sawyer couldn’t be his.

  Now, with a moment to breathe and a bit of hope in his chest, he looked at her and realized how much he really wanted her. He wanted more teasing and playfulness. He wanted to mess with her over her arguments with Zander, and her stolen kisses with Jasper. He wanted to lay out on the sun rock and do what he’d imagined that day. Take her in the sun with Quinn there.

  But, Elijah had something more somber he wanted to handle before he started having those daydreams again. Just because the case was closing didn’t mean Elijah was finished in Texas. Revelations during the case had given him something else he needed to do.

  As they all quieted down, he nudged Vincent.

  “What?” Vincent turned back to him.

  “I want to borrow the Explorer. Make a drive down to see my parents,” Elijah told him.

  “No,” Vincent said with a shortness that surprised Elijah.

  “But-” Elijah frowned, confused.

  “We’ll wait on Quinn, Jasper, and Zander. You aren’t going down to see them alone. You should have us, your team and brothers, supporting you,” Vincent continued, not letting Elijah cut in. Elijah nodded, thankful that Vincent was looking out for him when Elijah almost didn’t look out for himself. Vincent must have noticed because he chuckled. “See, I do care about your emotional needs. Now that I have the mental energy to do so.”

  Elijah chuckled, nodding. Sawyer had changed Vincent for the better, that was for sure.

  “I guess now we just wait?” Sawyer asked from her spot in the shade.

  “Yeah,” Vincent told her. “Now we wait.”

  It was dusk when they all pulled in front of the tiny house that Elijah hadn’t been to since he was fifteen. His hands were shaking as it came into view and his pulse raced now that they were there.

  If he were a weaker man, he would have asked Vincent to turn them all around and just leave, but Elijah felt the need to do this. To confront his past and his father.

  Elijah had always believed that his parents weren’t Anti-Magi. They had told him that him being a Magi never played into how much they cared for him. No, they were much more concerned about him fucking another guy. That was the line, apparently.

  Now, Elijah didn’t believe them. He knew his father had a ring like Stevenson’s, marking him as a leader of God’s Will. He needed to know if his father really held those beliefs. He needed to know if he was lucky to not be Cory.

  “Let’s go,” Elijah groaned, opening his door. Vincent just nodded and climbed out with him. The entire team followed him to the front door, and Elijah took a quick look back at them for some reassurance. “Sawyer, go put the weapons away.”

  She sighed, turned back to the Explorers and removed the holsters and belts with her entire set of arms on them. He waited for her to get back, smiling.

  “Better? I was just trying to make sure they knew we didn’t want any trouble.” Sawyer gave him a smile back, and he chuckled.

  “They are in their sixties, Sawyer. There won’t be any trouble,” he informed her, trying not to lose his control. He turned back to the door and knocked.

  He’d had Jasper make sure they still lived here. He didn’t want to come back and find someone else there.

  They waited in near silence, if he could ignore the shoving and scuffles behind him with some low cussing. It was Zander and Sawyer. Zander was teasing her, and she was not having it.

  “Hello?” his mother’s voice said as the front door opened. Elijah stayed silent until he could see her. Her eyes went wide as she took in the sight of him. She’d gone to his high school graduation, but he was a couple of inches taller and a lot bigger than he used to be. His father had decided not to go, though. Nine years since Elijah had seen her, twelve since he’d seen his father, even living in the same small town. “Elijah.” It was soft and surprised. His mom had never been loud.

  “Hey, Ma,” Elijah mumbled, pulling off his hat. “We were in the area, on a case. I thought maybe I could come… catch up.” Get answers.

  “Oh! Come in!” She pulled the door open wider and Elijah saw the moment she realized he brought friends. “And these are?”

  “My teammates,” Elijah told her, smiling, now a bit nervous. His ma always made him a bit nervous when she started questioning him. He’d forgotten that, and it felt like he was three feet tall again, wondering whether she would like his friends.

  “Oh, from what?” Ma frowned at him, and Elijah shifted nervously.

  “We’re Special Agents with the International Police Organization, ma’am. Elijah is my X.O., second in command.” Vincent stepped forward. “He’s also a good friend. You raised a good man. I’m Vincent, leader of the team.” He held out his hand and Elijah watched his ma shake it slowly.

  “The International Magi Police Organization…” His ma turned to him slowly. “This what you been up to, Eli?”

  Eli. Elijah chuckled, nodding as she looked him over, then the team. It was nearly a minute before she sighed and nodded back to him.

  “All of you come in and sit down,” she told them kindly. When none of them except her and Elijah moved, she laughed. “Come in, we don’t bite!”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Elijah heard the chorus mumbles and affirmatives.

  They wandered into the tiny living room, and Elijah took in the differences. They had changed the walls from
burgundy to a sky blue. The furniture was pretty much the same. Still old, but not the busted down couch he grew up with. The floors were still a dark wood he’d always guessed was oak.

  It was ‘home,’ but at the same time, it wasn’t. As the guys and Sawyer all found seats, his ma ushering them around, Elijah walked over to the mantle over the fireplace and looked over the pictures. He was still in them, with his parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He had no close relatives nearby, they were spread out all over the state. In San Angelo, there was only him, his ma, and his… father. Pa. He’d always called his father Pa, but Elijah wasn’t so sure he could anymore. He hadn’t since he was thrown out of the house at fifteen.

  “So, to what do we owe the pleasure of you visiting, Eli?” His ma touched his arm as he found what he was hoping not to find. The ring box was tucked behind a photo of his pa and a few friends.

  “We were up in Albany, working on a case.” Elijah sighed. “Something came up. I wanted to come down, talk to Pa, and see you in the process.”

  “Well, talking to your pa will be hard,” his ma sighed. “He ain’t here.”

  “What?” Elijah frowned at her. He and Jasper had checked to make sure they both lived here.

  “He’s out working. You can take a horse towards the creek, he’s repairing a fence out that way. It’s got to get fixed before night falls and some of the cows decide to escape.” His ma smiled at him. “Take one of your friends, we got enough horses. I’ll feed the rest.”

  “Thanks, Ma,” Elijah laughed, leaning down to kiss her forehead. He pointed at Vincent. “You know how to ride a horse?”

  “Nope,” Vincent laughed. “Willing to learn.”

  “Quinn, you want to come?” Elijah asked. Quinn just nodded. “Can you ride?”

  The look Quinn gave him made Elijah feel stupid. It was a stupid question. He knew Quinn could keep up with anything Elijah could do.

  “Of course I can ride a horse,” Quinn growled, shaking his head.