The Armchair Detective and the Castle of Mandrake Part Two: Series Two

by Ian Shimwell

  SERIES TWO

  Play Four

  www.thearmchairdetective.moonfruit.com

  The

  Armchair

  Detective

  and the

  Castle

  of

  Mandrake

  Part Two

  Ian Shimwell

  The Armchair Detective and the Castle of Mandrake Part Two Copyright Ian Shimwell © 2013

  ALSO AVAILABLE:

  The Armchair Detective Series One – The Complete ‘Boxed Set’

  AND IN SERIES TWO:

  The Armchair Detective Returns

  The Armchair Detective and the Logical Problem

  The Armchair Detective and the Castle of Mandrake Part One

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  The Armchair Detective and the Castle of Mandrake is a two-part story.

  Contents

  Cast List

  Act One

  Act Two

  Act Three

  Cast List

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  DEBSY

  EDITOR LAW

  MANDRAKE

  RHET

  SADE

  MARLOWE

  Act One

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  OLD TOM: Come in young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH opens the front door and enters OLD TOM’s flat. TRENCH starts shuffling his feet.)

  OLD TOM: Sit down Trench – you are making me nervous.

  TRENCH: Sorry. (He sits down.) Two cups of tea already poured – but this time, of course, I know you were expecting me; because as agreed, I am back after exactly one week.

  OLD TOM: Then I can only thank you for your punctuality – but please drink your tea before it becomes warm.

  TRENCH: Oh yeah (He takes a sip.) Lovely and err… cold. So, Old Tom, have there been any developments over the past week?

  OLD TOM: Not a thing, I’m afraid. I was expecting something, but then again, he may play the waiting game again to torture me even more.

  TRENCH: And unfortunately I’ve no fresh mystery to exercise your grey cells.

  (At that moment, something is pushed through the letter box.)

  TRENCH: I wonder what that is.

  OLD TOM: There’s certainly no post due on a Sunday.

  TRENCH: Shall I have a look?

  OLD TOM: I think that would be the wisest course of action.

  (TRENCH goes into the hall and then returns.)

  TRENCH: A beautifully hand-written envelope bearing simply your name, Old Tom. It’s even got one of those old-fashioned, red wax seals stamped on the back.

  OLD TOM: Mandrake.

  TRENCH: How can you be so sure?

  OLD TOM: Remember I know him – and his style. And besides, who else could it be? Come on, hand it over.

  TRENCH: Here you are then.

  OLD TOM: There’s a letter-opener underneath my armchair – in the shape of a small sword. Be a dear, and fetch it for me.

  TRENCH: Oh very well, but I don’t see why you can’t open it by hand.

  (TRENCH scrambles about for a bit.)

  TRENCH: Ah, here it is – underneath your cake tin.

  OLD TOM: I am obliged. The sender has gone to an awful lot of trouble to care for the contents of this envelope so the best we can do is open it properly.

  (OLD TOM slices the envelope open, pulls out and unfolds the paper inside.)

  TRENCH: It looks like old parchment.

  OLD TOM: It is an invitation – an invitation for next weekend. Mandrake respectfully invites the pleasure of me, you and Debsy to spend the weekend with him and associates for food and frivolity in his majestic castle.

  TRENCH: How… err civilised and, dare I say, friendly.

  OLD TOM: Oh yes, whatever else he may be, Mandrake is a true gentleman. He has arranged horse-drawn carriages to pick me up from here – and another to gather you two at the Stokeham Herald at four sharp on Friday afternoon.

  TRENCH: So, we’ll have plenty of time to freshen-up before dinner.

  OLD TOM: Certainly.

  TRENCH: Hang on; is there not a RSVP or something?

  OLD TOM: I suspect our host seems to have assumed our acceptance.

  TRENCH: So, will we be visiting a castle this weekend?

  OLD TOM: Mandrake and I have spent a lifetime, anticipating this meeting – so, what do you think?

  (Thunderous music changes the scene.)

  (We can hear the wind blowing and distant traffic.)

  EDITOR LAW: You know, I should really insist that you work until five o’clock.

  TRENCH: Editor Law, you are just about to enter your car so, forgive me if I’m wrong, but it kind of looks like you’re finishing early too.

  EDITOR LAW: Boss’ privilege.

  DEBSY: But thank you, oh so wonderful one, for graciously allowing us to go slightly early for our weekend retreat.

  EDITOR LAW: All right Deborah, don’t overdo it. I have already agreed, you know. I am good like that.

  TRENCH: We’ve noticed.

  EDITOR LAW: When’s your transport due, Trench?

  TRENCH: Around about now. Listen sir – as much as we love your sparkling company, don’t you have somewhere to go?

  EDITOR LAW: All right, I’m going – I know where I’m not wanted. And, looking at the weather, I don’t think I’m going to get that round of golf in.

  (At that moment, we can hear horses’ hooves which becomes louder. Then a few ‘woe woes’ can be heard.)

  DEBSY: A horse-drawn carriage just for us, Trench – how exciting.

  TRENCH: Magnificent beasts and the carriage is exquisitely classical too.

  EDITOR LAW: Hang on a moment; I thought you said your host for the weekend was some sort of bad egg?

  TRENCH: I did.

  EDITOR LAW: He’s laid on this extravagant style of transport and you’ll be spending a luxury weekend in a no-doubt grand castle with lavish meals…

  DEBSY: I know what you mean Editor Law – with enemies like that, I’d be glad to dump some of my friends.

  TRENCH: Your carriage awaits, my lady.

  DEBSY: You what?

  TRENCH: Are we going or what, Debsy?

  DEBSY: Oh yeah, here take my case.

  TRENCH: Thanks. We’re only going for two days, not two weeks!

  DEBSY: Oh, stop complaining.

  (DEBSY and TRENCH climb aboard the carriage.)

  TRENCH: Even the seats are leather-bound.

  DEBSY: And cushioned scarlet-red.

  EDITOR LAW: Goodbye children.

  (The carriage starts off on its way. The focus is on the sound of the horses’ hooves indicating that some distance has been travelled.)

  DEBSY: We’ve arrived in the country!

  TRENCH: Yes. Beautiful, isn’t it?

  DEBSY: I’ve just realised, we’ve not picked Old Tom up – you said he was coming too.

  TRENCH: Another carriage has been sent for him.

  DEBSY: Oh good, I can’t wait to meet him. I will meet him, won’t I?

  (The carriage suddenly stops.)

  DEBSY: What have we stopped for?

  TRENCH: The footman’s showing us two blindfolds – I think he wants us to put them on. What shall we do, Debs?

  DEBSY: Oh, in for a penny, in for a pound – that’s what I always say.

  TRENCH: You’ve never said it before.

  DEBSY: I err always say it from now on. Come on, give the blindfolds here – let’s get on with it.

  (They put their blindfolds on and the horses restart their canter. A brief interl
ude of foreboding music passes some time. Eventually, after their journey is seemingly complete, the horses finally halt. The carriage door is opened and the footman removes their blindfolds.)

  DEBSY: I can see again!

  TRENCH: Thanks for removing the blinds, footman – it was starting to hurt my eyes.

  (They disembark the carriage.)

  DEBSY: What a majestic castle.

  TRENCH: Castle Mandrake, I presume.

  DEBSY: Come on, let’s go in quick, Trench – I don’t like the look of those black clouds.

  TRENCH: I agree, a storm is certainly brewing…

  (Ominous music ends the scene.)

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are walking up heavy stone steps.)

  DEBSY: This castle is as spectacular inside as it looks on the outside.

  TRENCH: I know, lavish is just too smaller a word.

  (They reach the upper floor.)

  DEBSY: Ah, this must be my bedroom – number six. I’ll just go and freshen up for dinner.

  TRENCH: Wait a minute, according to the ticket, the butler gave me – number six is also my bedroom.

  DEBSY: That can’t be right.

  TRENCH: Don’t panic Debsy. Let’s have a look inside – there might be a separate partition or something.

  (TRENCH opens the creaking bedroom door.)

  DEBSY: (Who gasps.) Oh, I’ve always dreamed of a bedroom, or should I say bedchamber? like this – so richly decorated and furnished in sumptuous velvet and the four-poster bed: absolutely glorious. A room fit for a princess…

  TRENCH: But there is still only one bed…

  DEBSY: Are you sure there isn’t a spare bedroom? Where’s Old Tom sleeping?

  TRENCH: Here’s a list our obliging butler gave me. Old Tom is in the tower chamber which I assume is up the spiral staircase opposite this room. Mandrake himself will be naturally residing in the master-bedroom; bedroom three is for the manager of the estate, whereas chambers four and five will house two guests yet to arrive.

  DEBSY: How come everyone else gets to have a bedroom of their own?

  TRENCH: Oh, I don’t know. Don’t worry, I’ll end up sleeping on the sofa or something – only I don’t see any sofas…

  DEBSY: Well, we’ll worry about the sleeping arrangements later. Right, I’ll be in the en-suite bathroom – I simply must look my best for dinner in a place like this.

  TRENCH: What about me?

  (TRENCH’s only answer is the shutting of the bathroom door. Grand music changes the scene.)

  DEBSY: Well Trenny – what do you think?

  TRENCH: Debsy, you look… amazing. A stunning, elegant dark velvet evening gown – and your hair, beautiful. And as for your cleavage…

  DEBSY: All right, Trench – you can stop staring.

  TRENCH: Oh… sorry.

  DEBSY: You’ve not scrubbed up too badly yourself.

  TRENCH: (Says with a mock aristocratic tint to his voice:) Madam, would you do me the immense honour of accompanying me to dinner?

  DEBSY: I would be delighted.

  TRENCH: By George, I think she’s got it! Prey, please take my arm.

  DEBSY: All right – don’t overdo it.

  (DEBSY takes TRENCH’s arm, whom escorts her out of the bedroom and down the stone steps.)

  DEBSY: I’ve just thought – where does the butler and the rest of the hired help sleep?

  TRENCH: What is this obsession you have with where people sleep?

  DEBSY: What’s up – don’t you know?

  TRENCH: As a matter of fact the butler told me earlier, that the servants reside in a small lodge on the edge of the north side of the estate – about half a mile away.

  DEBSY: See – you’re interested too.

  (Downstairs, they stop walking.)

  TRENCH: Through those grand, ornate double-doors lies a no-doubt equally grand and ornate dining area.

  DEBSY: I know, I can’t wait.

  TRENCH: To see our host?

  DEBSY: No silly – to finally see your magical Old Tom, of course.

  (Expectant music moves things along.)

  MARLOWE: Prey, all be seated.

  (There is hushed conversation as everyone sits down.)

  MARLOWE: Welcome to Castle Mandrake. Now, before the first course is served, I believe introductions are the premier order of the day.

  DEBSY: (Says in a hushed voice:) Doesn’t he go on, Trench?

  MARLOWE: I am Marlowe, the manager of the estate. The empty seat at the head of the table belongs to my master, Mandrake – who sends his sincere apologies. He will be slightly delayed, however do not fear, he will join us later. On my right is sat Sade, who is a hairdresser and next to her is Rhet whom has the dubious distinction of being a second-hand car salesman. They are both acquatences of Mandrake.

  TRENCH: (Says hushed:) At least we know what they really do now.

  MARLOWE: Sat opposite, those two delightful people are Trench and Debsy. Two reporters, I gather, from the Stokeham Herald. Dinner may now be served.

  (MARLOWE sits down and the servants bring out the first course.)

  TRENCH: It looks like soup.

  (DEBSY takes a sip.)

  DEBSY: Hmm, tastes like oxtail.

  MARLOWE: Forgive the interruption. Another of master’s guest, a Mr Old Thomas has chosen to dine in his room. His meal will be sent up to him later.

  DEBSY: That explains why he isn’t here. Won’t his food get cold?

  TRENCH: Believe me, Old Tom won’t be concerned about that one bit.

  DEBSY: Look at the glorious fire, Trench. So powerful, so hypnotic…

  TRENCH: Rhet, sold any cars recently?

  DEBSY: Or solved any missing spouse cases?

  RHET: Very funny Debsy, you’re still delectable. I did tell you the sleuthing was just put-up job; a profitable one, nonetheless. As for cars, it just so happens, I have an absolute bargain.

  TRENCH: Not interested.

  DEBSY: And, Sade, how much do you charge for a cut and blow?

  SADE: Put it this way, darling – you couldn’t afford me.

  DEBSY: Why, of all the…

  TRENCH: So, has err master invited you two along as some sort of reward or bonus?

  RHET: I like to think so.

  SADE: Yes that’s it – but somehow I do feel peculiar…

  DEBSY: I’m saying nothing…

  TRENCH: In what way, Sade?

  SADE: Oh, I don’t know – but I do have a strange feeling about that painting behind you…

  TRENCH: The one with the hunting dogs?

  SADE: Yes.

  TRENCH: Perhaps it reminds you of something?

  SADE: I hope not…

  DEBSY: That oxtail soup was lovely.

  MARLOWE: Venison, my dear. The soup was venison.

  DEBSY: But I don’t like venison!

  SADE: Now that, just about sums you up, dear.

  DEBSY: No, not dear, dear – venison.

  SADE: Hah.

  RHET: Now, now children.

  (The servants begin to clear the bowls and plates away.)

  MARLOWE: The main course will be served momentarily.

  TRENCH: Err, Marlowe – you must remind me to thank Mandrake, whenever he might arrive – for putting on such a lovely spread.

  MARLOWE: Do not concern yourself, Trench – you will have more than ample time to pay your respects…

  (Disturbing music ends the scene.)

  (TRENCH is walking up another set of stone steps.)

  TRENCH: Trust Old Tom to be stuck up in the tower – and these stony spiral staircases are a killer.

  (Slightly out of breath, TRENCH stops and knocks on the oak door.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH opens the door and enters the room.)

  TRENCH: Your dinner, my lord. Venison soup, followed by lobster and trimmings and finished off with fresh strawberry gateau and cream with a pot of tea – and it’s all very heavy.

  OLD TOM: Put it down then.

/>   TRENCH: Good idea.

  (TRENCH places the tray on a table.)

  OLD TOM: It all looks far too warm for me – I’ll have a go at eating it later.

  TRENCH: Well, messes Mandrake has done you proud. Another glorious bed-chamber – and the armchair you’re on: I’ve never seen such indulgent leather.

  OLD TOM: Yes, it is err… comfy.

  TRENCH: It’s a strange place to put one, but there’s even a bookcase behind your armchair filled with leather-bound classics.

  OLD TOM: Mandrake thinks of everything…

  TRENCH: You only have a single bed, though.

  OLD TOM: That’s all I need.

  TRENCH: Ours is a… I mean mine’s a double. How was your journey here, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Tolerable – I’ve never really been one for horses. I assume you two went through the same rigmarole with the blindfolds?

  TRENCH: Yes, your old chum obviously doesn’t want us to know the location of his castle. I’ve just thought – we’re kind of trapped here, aren’t we?

  OLD TOM: Go on, Trench.

  TRENCH: We seem to be in the middle of nowhere – and don’t even know where we are. The only transport is the horses that are probably safely locked up in the stables by now.

  OLD TOM: Just another fear for my old friend to play on…

  TRENCH: Are you sure he’s still a threat after all these years..? This all seems remarkably friendly to me.

  OLD TOM: Oh, don’t be fooled by his hypnotic charm, not even for one second. Like a smiling snake, just before he strikes – let Mandrake inside your head for a moment and he will tear you apart, figuratively speaking of course.

  TRENCH; I’ll, I’ll take you word for on that one, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: Now, your fellow dinner guests – I assume Rhet and Sade have joined you and Debsy?

  TRENCH: Now, how did you know they were here?

  OLD TOM: I really know him too well – I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist inviting them. Probably appeals to his strange sense of humour.

  TRENCH: Yes and Rhet sells cars and Sade does hair.

  OLD TOM: How amusing, as they used to say. Anyone else there?

  TRENCH: Yes, the manager of this estate, Marlowe. A pretentious so and so if ever there was one.