April

by Paul

  ‘I just wanted you to know I was there,’ she said.

  ‘Excuse me?’ Paul replied.

  ‘I just wanted to say hello,’ she went on, absolutely oblivious to how much she had upset us. ‘Just because I hadn’t seen you since the night it all happened, when I came down to help look.’

  Neither of us could find any words to answer her. She sounded almost proud of herself.

  ‘I was actually speaking to you,’ she said to Paul. ‘Don’t you remember?’

  ‘Sorry,’ he replied, shaking his head. ‘I don’t.’

  Soon afterwards, we mumbled our excuses and left. Of course, things are a bit of a blur and it’s possible that she did speak to Paul, albeit briefly, but to be ambushed by a stranger when you’re already distressed is terrifying. We got home about 4 p.m. that night and I went to bed, wiped out. I knew people would never treat me normally again and it was a horrible thought.

  Christmas shopping knocked me for six for a few days, which was a strange feeling. I’d always been a big kid at Christmas. I loved spoiling the children and everyone on Bryn-y-Gog loved my elaborate decorations – lots of lights, tinsel and Christmas teddies that could sing and dance. By mid-November, I’d be itching to get them up and, as April had got older, she’d loved helping out. Her favourite decoration was a dancing penguin with a little bell. When she was in one of her mischievous moods, she’d pull the bell off and giggle until her face was red.

  This year, the idea of putting a few baubles on the tree filled me with absolute dread but I knew I had to keep things as normal as possible for Jazmin and Harley, so I asked my friend Ceri to help us. I wasn’t prepared to go all out but I wanted the house to look a little bit festive.

  Ceri and her husband AJ had a coffee with Paul and me, before he took the dogs for a walk and the rest of us started to put some decorations up outside the house. We were wrestling with an inflatable snowman when, out of nowhere, Dave and Hayley were coming up the path.

  ‘Oh, hi,’ I said. ‘We weren’t expecting you until later.’

  ‘Coral,’ Dave replied, skipping the usual pleasantries. ‘Is Paul here?’

  ‘No, he’s out walking the dogs,’ I said. As I noticed the grim expressions on his and Hayley’s faces, I felt panic grip me. ‘Why?’

  ‘You have to phone him,’ Dave said. ‘He needs to come home now.’

  As soon as I got the call from Coral, I raced home. Thankfully I hadn’t gone far and was only a few minutes from the house. I was convinced they’d found April’s body and I felt violently sick. Three days before, Dave had come round and we’d talked about the case, perhaps in more detail than we’d ever done before. From this conversation, it was clear that the police believed Bridger had taken April home before killing her and disposing of her body somewhere in the vast countryside surrounding his cottage. I could only hope they were going to put us out of our misery and tell us where our little girl was.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I said, as I burst through the front door. The colour had drained from Coral’s face.

  ‘Hi, Paul,’ Dave said. ‘Andy John is in Machynlleth. We’ve just had a call from him. He’d like to meet you at the sanctuary now.’

  ‘Have they found her?’ I cried, unable to keep my emotions in check.

  ‘All we know is that there is some new forensic evidence,’ replied Dave, in a measured tone. ‘We should go.’

  But bile was rising in my throat and I rushed upstairs to the bathroom, where I vomited for several minutes, overcome by dread and nerves. I didn’t want to go back downstairs, but I knew I had to. On the one hand, I hoped they’d found April, as the nightmare of wondering where she was would be over. We could also have a funeral and begin to grieve properly. But on the other hand it was all so final. Would Andy be able to tell us what Bridger had done to her? I didn’t know if I could cope with hearing how he’d made my little girl suffer and I was pretty sure it would kill Coral.

  Somehow I found the strength to get into the car and we made the short journey in virtual silence. Andy had already briefed Dave and Hayley about what the forensic teams had found, but they’d agreed he would be the one to tell us, so we could only guess what this news was going to be. We were in the car for only a few minutes, but it seemed like hours.

  Andy was already waiting in the sanctuary when we arrived. I instantly felt sorry for him. Every time we met with him, he had to break bad news to us. But he always did his best to be as sensitive as he could towards us and tell us straight, which was what we wanted. For this reason, we didn’t hold any grudges. On that day, it felt like an eternity before he spoke.

  ‘OK,’ he began. ‘I’m afraid we’ve had some bleak forensic results. When the forensic teams were examining Mark Bridger’s house, they found a wood burner. Amongst the ashes, they found some human remains.’

  Neither Coral nor I said anything, but Hayley grabbed hold of Coral’s hand.

  ‘The remains are only small,’ Andy went on. ‘There are five pieces in total and they measure about 20mm in diameter. They are from a human skull. We believe them to be April’s but we can’t prove this yet.’

  I expected Coral to be hysterical, but she was remarkably calm as she met Andy’s eye.

  ‘So,’ she said. ‘He’s smashed her to bits then?’

  Andy bowed his head.

  ‘What you’re saying is, he’s cut off her head and burned it?’ I asked, picking up where Coral had left off.

  ‘I’m afraid it’s looking that way,’ Andy replied.

  ‘What about the rest of her body?’ I said. I was hearing the words that were being said to me, but my mind had not yet caught up.

  ‘We don’t yet have any evidence of any other body parts,’ Andy said.

  Andy stayed for a few more minutes, before leaving us alone with Dave and Hayley, who helped talk us through what we’d just been told. After he’d gone, the shock wore off and we both became very emotional. Coral cried silently for the rest of the meeting. I had tears in my eyes, but I was trying my hardest to be strong for my wife. Even in our worst nightmares, neither of us had predicted a scenario like this. Bridger had snatched our precious daughter, but he hadn’t just killed her – he’d completely destroyed her. Imagining the terror our little girl would have felt in her final moments – not to mention what she would have suffered – had already begun to eat us both up inside. All we could hope was that it had been quick and that she’d died before he did the worst of the damage.

  ‘Why haven’t they found her teeth?’ I said. ‘Surely the fire couldn’t be hot enough to burn enamel?’

  ‘Children’s milk teeth are different,’ Dave said. ‘They have small holes in them.’

  Dave and Hayley told us once again how important it was that we didn’t share this news with anyone. Even the search teams were unaware of this development. Although the search for April was still ongoing, Dave told us that if they found anything, it was likely to be just a torso, though even this may have been burned and hidden.

  The worst thing of all was that if no more of April’s remains were found, we were unlikely to be allowed to have a funeral until after the trial. The bone fragments would form a key part of the prosecution case and couldn’t be released until the court case was over. More than anything we wanted justice for April, so we understood how important this was, but it didn’t make things any easier, especially as we couldn’t even say a proper goodbye.

  That night, Coral and I lay in bed holding each other and silently crying. It was a few days before we could bear to have a conversation about what we’d been told. How do you begin to talk about the possibility that someone chopped off your daughter’s head and burned it in a log fire? We were nothing more than pawns in Bridger’s sick game.

  The worst thing was having to keep information from our loved ones. We were carrying a huge burden that we couldn’t share, even with some of the people who loved April most, like our parents and siblings. The biggest dilemma of all was what we’d tell Jazmin and Ha
rley, who still seemed to think April was alive and being hidden by her kidnapper. Harley in particular was hopeful they’d be reunited with her soon. He even asked us if she’d be home for Christmas, which was heartbreaking. We didn’t want to keep anything from either of them, but we decided to get the holidays out of the way before we had a frank conversation about how their sister had been murdered. If nothing else, they deserved the best Christmas we could possibly give them.

  ‘April, I was so looking forward to watching you grow up,’ I wrote in my diary that evening. ‘It’s not like we have a lot to look forward to. We have no money. My eyes are bad and my prospects are dire. I think I put some of my hope for life in you, but now you leave such a hole in my life. We just don’t know what to do, or how to carry on, but we must. We will have to tell Jazz and Harley sometime in January. It will break their hearts and mess them up even more than now, but they need us and your mum and I need each other.

  ‘I love you, April. Dad xxx.’

  6

  Limbo

  We knew there wouldn’t be any major developments in the case before Christmas was over, so we had no choice but to wait. Luckily, our FLOs were very supportive and keen to answer any questions we might have. A few weeks before Christmas, they organised a meeting with the Crown Prosecution Service so we could speak about the case.

  When we arrived at the meeting, our emotions were on a knife edge. It had been a very mixed morning. The post had arrived early and with it two important letters. The first was from Prince William and his wife Kate. Just a few days earlier it had been announced that they were expecting their first baby, after Kate had been hospitalised with severe morning sickness. Prince William wrote that although he was sure his letter was of no worth, he couldn’t bear not to get in touch to say how sorry he was about April. We were overwhelmed that, amongst everything he was dealing with, the future King had found the time to contact us and offer his condolences.

  The next letter was not so uplifting. It was from the local council, who advised us that they would shortly be removing all the pink bows on display in the town centre. Coral especially found this insensitive and highly unnecessary. Making the bows had been a coping mechanism for her and had really helped us both see how much support there was for our family in the town. April had barely been gone two months and we still had the trial to get through. We had always understood that the town needed to move on at some point but all our friends and neighbours were still mourning the loss of April. Coral was very tearful and when Dave and Hayley heard how upset she’d become, they were very angry. They immediately arranged a meeting with the councillors to find out how the decision had been made and if it could be reversed.

  By mid-morning I was stressed and in desperate need of fresh air. I took a walk up my hill with Autumn and Storm and, when I reached the top, I realised I was crying. I sat down for a few moments and began to speak to April. As well as writing in my diary, I’d taken to doing this on my quiet moments on the hill as it helped me feel close to my little girl.

  ‘We miss and love you so much,’ I sobbed. ‘I promise I’ll look after your mum, Jazz, Harley and all of your teddies.’

  Right at that moment, I noticed a faint rainbow had begun to appear over Bryn-y-Gog. I’d made scores, if not hundreds, of trips up this hill but I’d never seen a rainbow before. I strained my eyes and realised its arch was covering the exact spot where we believed April was taken. As it grew brighter, I saw that it had stretched right from Penrath, where I’d spent so many happy moments with April, to Ceinws, where she’d most likely breathed her last. I started to cry again, but my tears were now a mix of sadness and a strange sort of joy. April loved rainbows and she always sang about them in her little improvised songs, using the Welsh word enfys.

  The rainbow remained as I trudged back down the hill. It seemed to grow more vibrant each time I looked at it. Neither Coral nor I are religious but, while Coral believes in the possible existence of angels, I have always been a little more sceptical. Before April was taken, I was more or less of the opinion that death was final – that all of our thoughts and feelings ceased to exist at the end of our life.

  Now it’s tempting to think there might be an afterlife. I wouldn’t say I was a believer, but I keep an open mind. April was so at one with the countryside and I went to my hill to feel close to her. It would be lovely to think that her spirit lived on, that the rainbow was her way of communicating with me – but I guess I’ll never know for sure.

  When I got home, there wasn’t much time before the meeting, so I quickly showered and changed before Dave and Hayley arrived to take us to the sanctuary. We’d be meeting with Ewan Jenkins of the Crown Prosecution Service as well as Andy. Ewan was a very nice man and answered all of our questions as best he could.

  ‘Do you think Mark Bridger could be convicted, even though we don’t have April’s body?’ I asked.

  ‘Considering the forensic evidence we have, I’m very conf-dent,’ he said. ‘If he isn’t, I’ll eat my words.’

  ‘I’ll remember you said that,’ I replied. We both laughed, but in my case it was more through relief than anything else. Ewan had given us the news we wanted to hear. For a fleeting moment I allowed myself to wonder if maybe, just maybe, the rainbow had been a sign after all. If Mark Bridger was locked up in jail, he couldn’t hurt any more children. Could this be April’s way of telling us everything was going to be OK? In the end, I decided not to dwell on the unanswered questions and focus on things that seemed more certain – we had a good case and we had to concentrate on getting through the trial.

  But I was soon to be brought back down to earth with a crushing blow. I’d noticed my eyesight had worsened over the past few weeks, though I’d largely ignored the changes as I’d been so preoccupied. However, when I went for a routine examination, my optician told me that I’d failed my basic vision test, meaning my eyesight had deteriorated so much I could now be registered legally blind. It’s amazing what trauma can do to the human body.

  Coral and I also decided to accept an invitation to go to the school’s Christmas fair. The school had been so good to Harley, it seemed a shame to miss it and in a way it was uplifting to see the children running around, excited for the festive season. But it was also a stark and crushing reminder of what we’d lost.

  ‘April, I think about you every day,’ I wrote that evening. ‘I cry most nights. I always look in and say goodnight and send you a kiss but, as Christmas comes, I miss you and I can’t bear to see your empty bed.’

  By now, hot tears were stinging my eyes, as I carefully formed the words with my pen. As my vision deteriorated, it got harder and harder to write but I couldn’t bear to give up.

  ‘I find myself crying and I don’t know why,’ I continued. ‘I’ll get through this because I love you and I know you love me. This alone is enough for me. I wish to hear your voice, to see your smile, to kiss you goodnight. But my memory will have to do. I miss you, my beautiful, brown-eyed girl.

  ‘Lots of love, your very sad Dad xxx.’

  Coral didn’t write down her feelings in the way I did, but there was no mistaking how low she was. Three days before Christmas, she decided to take an afternoon nap. I knew she wanted to be alone, but it tore me apart as I listened to her crying for three whole hours, barely stopping for breath.

  It was a horrendous day and the rain had been battering the windows for hours, which mirrored the solemn mood in the house. As Machynlleth is located in a valley, it floods easily and some of the roads were already shut. Even I, with my love of the outdoors, was in no mood to venture outside.

  In an attempt to cheer everybody up, I made chips, eggs and bacon for dinner, which I served up to Sue, who’d arrived from Holyhead a few days earlier, Jazmin and Harley. I made my way upstairs and tentatively knocked on the bedroom door.

  ‘Would you like some dinner, love?’ I asked Coral.

  ‘I’m not hungry,’ came the weak reply.

  I didn’t expect her
to surface for the rest of the evening, so I was surprised when she came downstairs around half an hour later. Her face was blotchy and tear-stained but she was fully clothed.

  ‘I’m going out,’ she announced.

  ‘You can’t go out in this weather!’ I protested.

  ‘I need some petrol for the car,’ she said, vacantly, grabbing her keys and closing the door behind her.

  ‘I’m really worried,’ I said to Sue. ‘She can’t drive in that rain. I’m going to call Dave.’

  Dave was relaxing at home with his wife, but as soon as I told him what was going on, he jumped in the car and told me he’d be in Machynlleth as soon as he could. I tried to ring Coral a few times, but it kept going to voicemail, which only worried me more.

  ‘Where’s Mum?’ Harley kept asking, over and over.

  ‘I don’t know, Harley,’ I replied, trying to sound calm. ‘She’ll be back soon, don’t worry.’

  I hoped that I sounded convincing.

  Coral recalls:

  As I listened to the sound of the rain on our roof on that horrible Saturday afternoon, the pain inside me was so great I thought it might kill me there and then. April would have been so excited about Christmas she’d hardly be sleeping. Instead, there was a huge void in all of our lives and nothing would ever be the same again.

  I sobbed for hours but eventually my grief turned to anger. I thought about Bridger in his prison cell. Was he thinking about what he’d done to my little girl? Was he proud of smashing her to pieces and throwing her remains in a fire, like she was a piece of rubbish? He wasn’t suffering like I was. We couldn’t even have a funeral for our baby because he wouldn’t tell us what he’d done with her. There wasn’t a shred of humanity in his body.

  I imagined him being tortured by other inmates every day for the rest of his life before dying a slow, painful death, but that brought me no real comfort. All I needed was a hug from my little girl and I’d never get one again. I wanted to close my curtains and hide under the covers and never come out, but at the same time I wanted to bang the walls and scream with rage.