by Beth Rinyu
“Your brother told me about the affair.”
“Damn him!”
“Hope, don't be mad at him. It slipped out and he feels horrible about it. But why didn't you want me to know?”
“Because I don't want you to hate him. I don't want you to think I'm this poor, pathetic person for still loving him so much and wanting to work things out.”
“Look, Hope, I know how much you love Jamie. I really do. And I also know that he loves you. I may be angry at him for hurting you like this, but I could never hate him. You are not pathetic at all. You love your husband and you're willing to stick it out for him instead of just walking away. But that doesn't mean you have to alienate yourself. Look at the great time you had today.”
“I know but -.”
“Come on. It will be fun,” she pleaded.
I sighed. “Okay.”
She kissed me on my head and smiled. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. I'm going to bed. It’s been a long day.”
We got up from the couch, said our goodnights, and headed into our bedrooms.
I changed into my pajamas and was going to wait until morning to upload the pictures, but I just couldn’t resist pulling out my laptop. It seemed like an eternity as I waited for it to boot up. I smiled as the pictures began to pop up on the screen. Wow, Hope, you aren’t half bad at this! I thought to myself. Looking at these pictures brought back so many memories of my own wedding. In each picture, I saw Jamie and me. I hated feeling this way. I hated that everything reminded me of him and how our life once was. When was it all going to stop? I closed my laptop and lay down, inflicting my own pain once again. The thoughts that I had tried to block out all day long were slowly creeping back in. Why didn’t he even bother to call me after what had happened at his office the other day? Was it because he was embarrassed, or because he just didn’t really care? Part of me wondered if the two of them had a good laugh after I had left. My mind was telling me that I should hate him but, as much as I wanted to, I knew that my heart would never allow it.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Jamie wasted no time pulling me close and planting a passionate kiss on my lips. It was a little more passionate than I cared to display in front of my friends and family and, most of all, the priest who was standing two feet away. But I couldn’t resist kissing him back with the same amount of vigor. I was “Hope McAdams”. This was the day that I had been planning out for the past year and had dreamed about my whole life, and I intended on enjoying every single minute of it. He took my hand in his and paused for a brief second as we readied ourselves to walk down the aisle and out of the church as husband and wife. A smile stretched across my face when he whispered in my ear, “This is the happiest day of my life.”
As we made our exit, I caught a glimpse of my dad’s smiling face and his tear-filled eyes. I love you, Daddy, I mouthed to him. His smile became wider and his eyes became glassier.
I couldn’t wait to get into the limo and have a few minutes alone with my husband. The limo driver closed the door and I wasted no time wrapping my arms around Jamie and continuing that kiss from inside the church. “I love you, Jamison Michael McAdams, and I cannot wait to get you alone tonight,” I whispered in his ear.
“You got me alone for a good twenty minutes right now,” he smirked.
“Oh, don’t tempt me, but I must remain put together for my adoring fans,” I joked.
He suddenly became more serious. “You look absolutely beautiful, you know that?”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“I imagined what you would look like on this day and I knew that you would be beautiful, but when I saw you walk down that aisle, you took my breath away. Honestly. I love you so much, Hope, and I know that all ten of our kids will be just as beautiful as their mom.”
“Ten kids?! Are you crazy! Two is all this girl can handle.”
“Hey, it was worth a shot,” he laughed. He took my hand and lifted it to his lips. “Okay, then both of our kids will be as beautiful as their mom.”
“Charlie and Grace,” I said.
“Huh?”
“Our kids,” I clarified. “We are going to have a boy and a girl. Charlie after my dad, and Grace because I’ve always adored that name. Plus, I’m a huge fan of Grace Kelly.”
“What makes you so sure that we’re going to have a boy and a girl?” Jamie laughed.
“Mother’s intuition.” I smiled.
“Okay, Charlie and Grace it is.” I leaned my head on his shoulder and smiled at the thought of having Jamie’s children. I was so in love with him and I couldn’t wait until that day came.
It was the perfect day for a barbeque. I was in the kitchen with Patty, trying my best to be helpful even though she was telling me to just sit down and keep her company while she prepared the potato salad. My brother and mother were deep in conversation in the back yard and part of me wondered what they were talking about. Me and my poor hopeless life? “Where’s Alexa?” I asked, trying to ignore my inner thoughts.
“Oh, she’s over at her friend Tammy’s. We hardly see her anymore. She’s a little social bumble bee,” Patty said.
“Oh, to be fifteen again and know what I know now.” I sighed.
“Yeah, tell me about it!” Patty said, feeding me a spoonful of her potato salad. “Does it need anything?” she asked.
“Nope, tastes perfect!”
I jumped at the sound of the doorbell. “Oh, Hopie, you want to grab that? That must be your mom’s boyfriend.” We both giggled as I got up to answer.
“Hey there!” I smiled as I opened the door for Nick and his dad.
I led them into the kitchen. “Hey,” Patty said as she took the burgers out of the fridge and placed them on the counter. She gave Nick’s dad a huge hug. I laughed at her enthusiasm. She was always so warm and welcoming within only twenty-four hours of meeting someone.
“Patty, this is Nick,” I said.
“Hi! It’s so nice to meet you!” She smiled. “I see you get your good looks from your dad!”
Nick’s dimples were out in full force. “Nice to meet you, too,” he said, extending his hand to her.
“Can we take anything out for you?” Nick’s dad asked.
“That would be great!” Patty said as she handed them each a tray of food.
My mother eagerly opened the door for them and they walked outside.
“Holy hotness!” Patty screeched once the door closed behind them.
I began to laugh. I guess to everyone else, Nick was totally hot, but I still viewed him as the little boy that I had known all those years ago. “Hope, tell me that you don’t think that man is gorgeous.”
“Yeah, he’s cute, but I just can’t see Nick that way.”
“Girl, you are insane. You can still look, even if you are married to a hot guy, as well…even though I’m really pissed at him right now,” she added.
God, my brother has a big mouth! “Yeah, well, when you’ve known someone since you were five, it’s kind of hard to see them that way.”
She looked out the window at Nick as he and my brother were deep in conversation. “Oh, sweetie, he is no longer a five-year-old!”
I laughed and shook my head. “Come on, crazy girl. You have guests to entertain!”
The afternoon progressed into the early evening and every time my mind would start to wander, Patty or Nick would say something to make me smile and distract me from my thoughts. My brother and Patty had now jumped on the bandwagon to go up to Nick’s dad’s lake house at the end of the month. I knew that this would make it even harder for me to protest from going. Even though I was enjoying myself, I was yearning for some alone time. “I’m going to head out,” I said.
“Okay. I can give you a ride,” my mom said as she started to get up.
“Oh, no, it’s a really nice night. I think I’d rather walk home.”
“Hope, it’s dark out,”
my mother scolded.
“And this is such a high crime area,” I teased.
She raised her eyebrows and shook her head. “Nick, walk Hope home,” his dad said.
I shook my head and laughed. “I seriously can -.”
Before I could finish, Nick was already chugging down the last of his beer and getting up. I said my goodbyes and we headed on our way. “You can just sit on the front porch for five minutes, then go back in and tell them that you walked me home,” I said.
He smiled. “Nah, if something happened to you on these mean streets, I’d never forgive myself.” We both laughed and started walking. “Hey, Hope, do you remember hanging out here?” he asked as we passed the little playground that looked exactly the same as it did when we were younger.
“Of course!” I said.
I followed behind him as he headed over to the swing set, and we both took a seat on a swing. “Do you ever wish that you could go back to those days when life was easy?” he asked.
“All the time,” I said. I grasped the chain of the swing with both hands and leaned my head back. “Look at all those stars.”
Nick rested his head against the chain and stared up at the sky. “Why do you think bad things happen to good people?” he asked.
I focused my attention back to him. “I don’t know. I wish I did because maybe then I would understand this whole mess that my life has become.”
“How old was he?” Nick asked.
“Who?”
“Your son.”
My stomach dropped. “He was eight.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Were you there when it happened?”
I swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump in my throat. “Yeah,” I whispered. The tears began to stream down my face. Nick took my hand in his and wiped away the tears with his other hand.
“I’m so sorry, Hope.”
I nodded in appreciation. He didn’t press any further. He was content with what little information I was willing to give him. I wiped away the last of my tears and smiled. I was so grateful to Nick and his friendship and for coming back into my life during a time that I needed a friend the most.
“Hey, Hope, do you remember the time capsule that we buried in my dad’s back yard?” he asked.
I had totally forgotten about it. The thought of it made me smile. “Yes! I actually forgot about that! Do you remember where it was buried?” I asked.
He began to laugh. “Yeah, right by Herman’s grave.”
“Who the heck is Herman?”
“My pet hamster.”
“Oh,” I said, sounding a little relieved.
“We should really dig that up.”
“Oh, come on, Nick. We might make history a hundred years from now when the archeologists are digging up ancient artifacts.”
We both began to laugh. I looked up at the stars once again. This time, they seemed to be a little brighter. I didn’t know why, but maybe being here with Nick and talking about all the happy memories had something to do with it, or maybe it was Charlie’s way of letting me know that I was going to be okay.
Monday mornings were always busy at the bakery with everyone stopping in to get their extra dose of caffeine or sugar to cope with the beginning of the work week. There was finally a break in the action when my favorite couple, Penny and Marty, came in for their usual… a jelly donut and a cup of tea. Every morning since I had started helping my mom, they had come in after their morning walk. They were well into their eighties and an absolutely adorable couple. They had just celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary and were excited about the cruise that they were going on next month. “Good morning, Hope,” Marty said, flashing me a huge grin.
“Watch him, Hope. He may be old, but he still loves to flirt with the pretty girls,” Penny laughed. “You better not let her husband catch you making eyes at her, Marty. He may have to put you in your place.” She winked at me and smiled.
I smiled back. “Same as usual?” I asked.
“I think I’m going to dare to be different today,” Marty said.
Penny and I looked at him with surprise as he scratched his head like he was deep in thought. “I’m going to have a Boston Cream today.”
“You got it!” I rang them up and smiled as I watched him pull out Penny’s chair and waited for her to take a seat. How I wished to be able to grow old with the man I loved.
My mother placed a slice of warm apple pie under my nose to break me from my daydream. “Taste this!” she said as she handed me the plate. I took a mouthful.
“Oh, my god, Mom. That is delicious.” If there was one thing that could help me temporarily forget my troubles, it was my mom’s baking.
I had a mouth full of pie when Nick came walking through the door. “Hey, are you being your dad’s errand boy again,” I joked.
“How’d you guess?”
“Well, somebody is going to be disappointed.” I jerked my head to the back where my mother was. We both began to laugh. “Oh, my god. I’m being such a pig. Taste some of this pie.” I lifted the spoon up to Nick’s mouth and fed him a spoonful.
My knees began to tremble and my heart began to race when I looked over at the door to see Jamie entering. My hands were shaking so bad that Nick had to grab the plate from me. “Hope, what’s the matter?” Nick asked, turning his attention to the door.
“Jamie, what are you doing here?” I asked, trying to hide the emotion in my voice. “Oh, Nick, this is my husband, Jamie. Jamie, this is my old friend Nick.”
“How you doin’, man?” Nick said, extending his hand. “Hope, I’m going to go in the back and get my dad’s dessert order from your mom.”
“Yeah, okay,” I answered, still focused on Jamie.
I pushed a stray hair behind my ear. “What’s going on?” I asked, almost not recognizing him. Dark circles completely encompassed his sunken eyes and I could tell that he had lost weight just within the last week. He looked broken and vulnerable. I couldn’t stand seeing him this way, knowing that he was in so much pain.
“I had a meeting about a half-hour away and I…umm…”
“Ah, Hope, you have all the guys flirting with you. I don’t stand a chance today,” Marty interrupted as he came up to the counter and grabbed a napkin.
I managed my best smile. “Actually, Marty, this is my husband.” Or was my husband. I wasn’t quite sure of anything anymore.
“Uh oh, she didn’t tell you that I was flirting with her did she? Don’t believe her!” Marty joked.
“I told you!” Penny shouted from the table
“Well, allow me to say this…you are a very lucky man to have such a kind and beautiful wife. Cherish her. That’s the secret to a long and happy marriage,” Marty said, placing his hand on Jamie’s shoulder.
Jamie gave his best smile and nodded, but it was almost like Marty’s words pained him.
“Do you have a minute?” he asked, once Marty walked away.
My mother was so deep in conversation with Nick when they came walking out to the front that she almost didn’t even notice Jamie. “Jamie!” she said, looking almost as surprised as I was. She looked him over from top to bottom and I could see the shock on her face, feeling the same way that I was upon seeing him this way. She wrapped her arms around him and gave him hug.
“Mom, do you care if I just go -.”
“Yeah, go ahead. I got this covered,” she said without hesitation.
We walked across the street to the pond and took a seat on a bench. I focused my attention on the people enjoying the beautiful spring day…the runners, the dog walkers, the mothers pushing strollers. I watched two baby bunny rabbits playing in the grass, trying my best to focus on anything but the reality that I needed to face sitting beside me.
Jamie ran his hand through his hair and stared straight ahead, like he was deep in thought. He finally turned his attention to me, staring at me the same way he always did whenever we would
get in an argument. I saw so much of Charlie in him that it pained me to look at him. “I’m sorry, Hope. I’m sorry for what happened the other day. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to see you.”
I looked away and nodded. I was still so upset over the whole thing. I wasn’t sure if it was over coming face-to-face with this woman, or the fact that I actually thought that what she and Jamie had was more special than anything that the two of us ever did. “Did you guys get a good laugh at my expense after I left?” I just couldn’t help myself.
“What? Hope, no! I know that the damage is already done, but that’s over. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I did that. I just feel like I’m losing my mind. What I did to you that day that you left…I can't get it out of my head and I'm so sorry. I would never hurt you and I would kill anyone else if they ever did.”
I looked out at the water. “You know, Jamie, sometimes emotional pain can hurt worse than physical pain. I would rather endure that day over and over again, rather than feeling like I'm worthless to the man I love.”
“You know that wasn’t me that day, Hope.”
I finally turned my head, looking directly into eyes. “I don’t know what’s you anymore, Jamie. I don’t even know what’s me. All I know is that we used to be this couple that would be there for each other. I was there for you with your cancer. You were there for me with my dad’s death. Why couldn’t we be there for each other during the worst time in our lives? You had to run off into the arms of someone else and I had to run away.”
He looked down at the ground. “I don’t know, Hope. Maybe it’s because with all of those other times, one of us was a little stronger and able to help the other through it.” He paused briefly, then looked back up at me with tear-filled eyes. “With this, I just can’t be strong. Believe me, I tried and I want to be strong more than anything. But there are days that I think about him and just feel like I want to die. I just miss him so much, Hope.” His voice cracked with emotion and I could feel my heart breaking in half. “I’m not going to justify the cheating because there’s no excuse for that. I guess I did it so I could feel lower than I already do. I really don’t know. But I swear to you, Hope, it’s done.”
