by Beth Rinyu
I sighed and stared out onto the pond. “So, what? Are you here to ask me for forgiveness?”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t expect you to forgive me that easily. But I do hope that, one day, you will be able to. I’m heading to San Diego tomorrow for a few months. They need someone to help out with a case that’s going to court next month. So if you want to go back home, I won’t be there.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not my home anymore.”
He looked at me sadly. “Hope, that is still your home.”
“Is it? Because all it feels like is a bad memory.”
He stared at me intently. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Everything that I wanted to say to him was coming to the surface. “You want me to forgive you for something that you intentionally did to me, but you aren't willing to forgive me for something that I had no control over.” His eyes widened and he gazed at me as if he were at a loss for words. “I can forgive you, Jamie, because I love you. I never stopped loving you. And, as weird as this may sound, I wish that this affair was the only problem in our marriage.”
“Hope, I'm sorry. I swear to God that’s over.”
I shook my head and smiled in frustration. “You just don't get it, do you? For the past eight months, I've been walking around on eggshells, not wanting to upset you and placing all the blame on myself. I can't keep doing that. It was an accident, a very tragic accident that shouldn't have happened. And believe me, Jamie, if I could switch places with him, I would in a heartbeat.”
He looked away. “I know, Hope.”
“I go through that day over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done to prevent it from happening. I keep seeing his face, how his beautiful blue eyes looked for the very last time. It will haunt me for the rest of my life and I have to live with that. But I will no longer live with thinking that I caused this to happen to my beautiful little boy.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. They streamed down my face.
He sighed and nodded. “You're right. It wasn't your fault.” He looked at me sadly, and wiped away my tears.
“Do you really feel that way, Jamie, or are you just saying that to make me feel better about myself?”
“I don't know what I feel anymore because, the truth is, most days I feel nothing. But I do know that I miss you. I miss the way things used to be between us. Before -.” He bit his lip and stopped himself.
“Well, it will never be that way again. No matter how hard we try, something will always be missing. I told you before that I am willing to try. I still love you more than anything and I will do whatever we need to do to make this work. But if you’re not willing to forgive and love this new girl sitting here in front of you, then this will all be in vain. You haven’t been able to tell me that you loved me since Charlie -.” I couldn’t finish that sentence because just hearing it would be a reminder that Charlie was really gone, something that I didn’t want to come to terms with just yet. “I never made you second guess my feelings for you through any of this. You always knew that I loved you.”
He looked away and didn’t respond. His silence was like a knife to my heart.
“I guess I’m sounding pretty pathetic, huh? Begging my husband to love me again?” I wiped the tears from my eyes.
He shook his head. “No, you’re not pathetic. I am.”
“Well, Jamie, I guess -.” I looked away, trying to fight the pain in my heart over the words that were about to come out of my mouth. “I guess maybe you should go to San Diego and figure this out. Maybe we really can’t be fixed after all. If that’s the case, draw up the papers. I’m not going to fight it. You can have everything because everything that I want is already gone.” He closed his eyes and looked away.
I gathered what little pride I had left and stood. “I’m sorry that I let you down, but I’m even sorrier that I let Charlie down.” He looked at me with tear-filled eyes. I knew that he was hurting just as badly as me, but there was nothing I could do to comfort him. I was feeling too much pain myself. “Have a safe trip,” I whispered, before mustering up the strength to walk away.
The short walk back to the bakery wasn’t enough time for me to pull it together, and I didn’t feel like explaining to my mother why I was a complete mess. I sat down on the bench a couple shops down from the bakery, trying to calm my nerves. I ignored the stares of some of the people passing by, looking at me sympathetically, and was grateful to those that were just too busy to care.
“Hope, are you okay?” I jumped when Nick took a seat next to me.
“Nick, what are you still doing here?” I asked, wiping a tear from my face, trying my best to look normal.
“I had to come back. I forgot my dad’s brownie order.”
I nodded, unable to stop my tears. Nick took my hand in his, while I rested my head on his shoulder. “He can’t even tell me that he loves me. He came all the way here just to tell me that he was leaving for San Diego and that it was safe to go home.”
“Hope, I don’t have any kids so I can’t even imagine how either of you must feel. But he came here to see you so that tells me that he still feels something.”
I lifted my head and wiped my eyes. “I don’t know what to think anymore. I just wish I didn’t care so much. Oh god, I’m a complete mess!” I said, looking down at the mascara that was all over my hands from wiping my eyes.
“Well, you do look a little like a raccoon,” Nick joked.
I couldn’t help but smile. “I guess I’m not going to get out of explaining this one to my mom,” I said.
Nick stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me off the bench. “Come on. I’ll distract her while you go into the bathroom and take care of that mess on your face.”
“You’re such a good buddy, Abate, you know that?”
“So I’ve been told.”
Another week had passed. I had gotten two more photography jobs thanks, in part, to my mother and Jenny, who was in absolute awe of her wedding pictures. I was really enjoying getting out and meeting new people because it helped to keep my mind occupied. I also liked that I was making my own money and wasn’t solely dependent on Jamie. I hadn’t heard from him since he left and even though my mind wasn’t as preoccupied with thoughts of him, my heart was. I hadn’t talked to Nick in three days, which was a rarity. I had been so busy with helping out in the bakery and preparing for my photography events that I didn’t really have time to think about it. But sitting home alone on a Friday night, I was finding that I missed my daily talks with him. I dialed his number and left a message on his voicemail: “Hey, Abate, where ya’ been? I’m missing my buddy. Give me a call. It’s Friday night and I’m bored. I have a good movie and an even better bottle of wine. The only thing missing is you!” I hung up, expecting him to return my call any minute. After an hour and no phone call, I decided to pop the movie in and watch it alone.
I lifted my head from the couch when I heard my mom coming through the front door with Nick’s dad. “Hey, how was the movie?” I asked.
Nick’s dad rolled his eyes. “I thought it was good!” my mother protested. “Let me get that recipe for you, John,” she said, running off to the kitchen.
I hated asking Nick’s dad for any information about him because I didn’t want to seem nosey, but I was concerned by his silence and wanted to make sure that he was okay. “Where’s Nick been?”
Worry immediately washed over his dad’s face and my heart dropped to my knees. “He’s, umm…he’s a little down right now, but he’ll snap out of it. He always does.” He gave me a smile, but I wasn’t quite sure if it was to reassure me or to reassure himself.
“Oh, well, if there’s anything I can do, please just let me know. Nick has been such a great friend to me and if I can be there for him in any way, I would like to be.”
“Thanks, Hope.”
I helped my mother out at the bakery and cut out a little early. I kept thinking about what Nick’s dad had told me last night so I wanted
to stop and check on him. I hated knowing that he was feeling so down. He had been there so much for me in these past weeks and I wanted to return the favor.
I was happy to see his car when I pulled into the driveway. The sound of the lawn mower going led me to the back yard. I stood and waited until Nick turned the mower and saw me standing there. He turned it off as I walked toward him. He looked exhausted with dark circles under his eyes, and his normal clean shaven face was becoming overgrown with stubble.
“Hey, you!” I said, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.
He stared at me blankly and, for a brief second, I felt my heart drop, wondering if I had done something to add to his anguish.
“Hey, Hope,” he muttered as he looked away.
“Is everything okay?” I asked very gently.
“Yeah, it's fine.” But I knew that it wasn't.
“Well, did you want to go grab some lunch? My treat. I'm a somewhat working woman now.”
He shook his head. “I've got to finish this up for my dad.”
“Oh, okay.” I was trying my best to hide my disappointment. The last thing I wanted was to lose Nick's friendship. But I knew that he had some issues that he was dealing with and I knew better than anyone that, sometimes, you were just better off being alone. “Well, I'll see ya’.” I turned around and started to walk away.
“Hope!” he shouted once I reached the gate.
I turned around and pushed my hair behind my ear as he got off the lawn mower and walked toward me. “I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally. I'm just going through a lot right now.”
I managed a smile. “No problem. You know that you always have a friend when and if you want to talk about it.”
He nodded. “Thanks.”
I got into my car, not feeling very good at all. I hated having so much sadness in my life. I just wanted to begin to feel somewhat happy again. I took the short drive to the ocean to clear my head. An unusual calmness began to take over as I sat down in the sand and watched the seagulls dive into the water for their next meal. I wrapped my arms around my legs and pulled them into me as I looked around and smiled. This was the same beach that I had met the love of my life all those years ago and sitting here, with nothing to keep my mind occupied, I found that I was missing him more than anything.
My cousin, Tina, and I sat on the beach, soaking in the warm summer rays. Tina and I were inseparable. We were the same age and were more like sisters than cousins. “What are you looking at?” I asked after the fifth time I caught her turning her head and looking up at the sand dunes.
“Alex. He said he was going to meet us here and I want to make sure he can find us.”
Alex was Tina’s boyfriend and I was quickly finding out that she couldn’t go anywhere without him. I was a little envious of their relationship. I had just broken up with Kyle, the guy I had been seeing for the past seven months. He was a nice guy, but neither one of us felt that spark. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me and vice versa. So, after college graduation, we decided to call it quits. He moved to Florida after being offered a job down there, and I stayed here and was about to begin my career in computer graphics for a major corporation.
A smiled stretched across Tina’s face. She stood up and waved her arms in the air, allowing Alex to spot us with ease. “Oh, he bought his friend, Jamie, with him. He’s a hottie!” She looked at me and raised her eyebrows. I shifted my sunglasses down from my head and leaned back in the chair. “Hey, babe!” Tina exclaimed, throwing her arms around him and planting a huge kiss on his lips.
Once they were done with their very public display of affection, I looked up and smiled. “Hi, Alex.”
“Hey, Hope! Hope, this is my friend, Jamie.” I lifted my sunglasses up and had to catch my breath. Tina was wrong. He wasn’t a hottie. He was beautiful!
Once I got done checking him out, I managed to get out a hello. He was well over six feet tall with dirty blond hair. When he took off his sunglasses, I thought I would die. His eyes were ice blue. This man was a god. I was now so happy that I had changed my mind at the last minute and decided to wear my new bathing suit.
“Hi, Hope.” He extended his hand, and I was glad that I was sitting down because I felt my legs beginning to turn to jello.
I leaned back in my chair, trying to act as if I was not affected by his presence and doing my best not to stare. “Oh…my…god…,” I whispered when he took off his shirt.
I looked over at Tina, who couldn’t contain her laughter. “Put your tongue back in your mouth,” she whispered.
Alex and Jamie wasted no time heading into the ocean. It was a scorching day so Tina and I decided to move our chairs down by the water, hoping to catch a little breeze. I listened to Tina go on and on about the latest diet she was on, but I didn’t comprehend a word that she was saying. I was too busy staring at Jamie.
“Come in!” Alex screamed before going under a wave.
Tina stood up right away. “Come on!” she exclaimed.
“Nah, I’m not much in the mood for swimming today,” I said. She stuck her tongue out at me and quickly ran into the water, throwing her arms around Alex’s neck.
I reclined in my chair and closed my eyes, basking in the warm sun. I was just starting to dose off when I felt someone standing over me. I opened my eyes to find Jamie standing right beside me, water beading off his chest.
“Do you care if I sit here?” he asked, pointing to Tina’s empty chair.
“Oh, no, not at all,” I said. I smiled and shook my head, watching Tina and Alex making out in the middle of the ocean. “How funny will that be when a big wave comes and knocks them both on their ass?” I joked.
Jamie laughed as he sat down beside me, and we continued to watch Tina and Alex make a spectacle of themselves.
“So how old are you?” he asked.
“Twenty-two. What about you?”
“Twenty-five,” he answered as he threw a sea shell into the water.
“You live around here?” I asked.
“No, I’m about an hour-and-a-half away.” I nodded. “So do you like the beach, Hope?”
“I do. There’s something about the ocean that fascinates me. You know, it’s so powerful, yet soothing at the same time.”
He looked at me and smiled, then stood up quickly when something in the surf caught his eye. I watched as he bent down to pick it up. He looked at it carefully as I eyed his gorgeous body once more, trying to make out the tattoo that was on his left shoulder blade. He walked back over and sat down next to me once again. He opened his hand, revealing a flawlessly formed sand dollar.
“Wow, that’s perfect. I love sand dollars. Unfortunately, the ones I find are usually all broken.” I laughed.
“Here you go,” he said, dropping it in my hand.
“Hey, thanks,” I smiled. “Your tattoo. What is it?”
He turned his head and extended his neck to try and see it. “Oh, it’s a cardinal.”
“Oh, does it signify anything?”
“Yeah, actually, it does. My grandfather was big into birds. He told me that a cardinal was a loved one coming back after they died. I never really thought about it until he passed away. So I figured that if I had this cardinal on my shoulder, in some weird way, maybe my grandfather would always be with me.” He leaned forward so I could read the initials under his tattoo. “RMM. They’re my grandfather’s initials, Ray Michael McAdams.”
I smiled. “Wow, that’s really a nice tribute.”
“Yeah, well, we were really close.”
God, not only is he gorgeous, but he is sweet. I watched as Tina and Alex came walking out of the water. Tina looked like she was in pain as she grabbed her arm. “What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I got stung by jellyfish,” she said, as I noticed the red welts covering her body.
“Alex is going to drive me home. I’m sorry to have to make you leave, Hope.”
“Oh no, that�
�s okay,” I said, standing up and wishing that we had taken separate cars. I was rather enjoying myself with Mr. Beautiful.
“I can drive you home if you wanted to stay,” Jamie said.
“Oh, okay. Are you sure?” I asked, smiling on the inside.
“Yeah, it’s no problem.”
Even through her pain, Tina managed a smile. She waited until Jamie turned his attention to Alex before whispering in my ear. “Not only is he hot, but he’s single.” I smiled and lightly smacked her on the arm.
I turned my attention back to Jamie once Tina and Alex left. We talked for hours. I told him all about me and I learned a lot about him, as well. He had just finished up his last year of law school; had a younger brother; was allergic to cats; and also shared the same love of ketchup on hot dogs that I did. We laughed over the stupidest things and I was finding that he was just as nice on the inside as he was on the outside. I turned around to find an almost empty beach, totally losing track of any sense of time during the last few hours. “Wow, I wonder what time it is,” I said.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know. Are you hungry?” he asked.
“Starving!”
“You want to get something to eat?”
“Sure.” I smiled.
We both stood up and headed back to the blanket.
I gathered all of my things, making sure that I tucked my sand dollar safely in the pocket of my beach bag. He picked up the chairs and waited for me to finish pulling up my shorts.
“Ready?” He smiled.
“Yup.” From that moment on, something told me that this was going to be the start of something wonderful.
I pulled into my mother’s driveway and was surprised to see Tina sitting on the front porch. I normally called her once a week to catch up, but I had been dodging her phone calls since I left Jamie because I just didn’t feel like explaining myself to anyone.
“Well, well, well, she is alive,” Tina said as she stood up and watched me approach the front porch.
