by Beth Rinyu
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked.
“Umm…I think that’s a question for you. I’ve only called you six times with no return phone call. So I resorted to calling your husband who, by the way, is just as bad at returning phone calls as you. Hope, what the hell is going on? I just came here to see your mom to invite her over for Mother’s Day tomorrow, and she told me you’re staying with her.”
Shit…Mother’s Day. My stomach dropped at the thought of spending my first Mother’s Day without my Charlie. Tina pushed a strand of her short blonde hair behind her ear and stared at me inquisitively. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Tina.”
“Hope, come on. You can tell me anything.”
“Okay, fine. Jamie had an affair. He’s in San Diego till God knows when, and I don’t know what’s going to happen with us when he gets back.”
She sighed heavily and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Oh, Hope, I am so sorry. I had no idea. You know that Alex hasn’t even talked to him in well over a month.” I took a seat on the front porch swing and Tina sat down next to me. “Who was the girl?”
I looked straight ahead. “Someone he works with.”
“Why? Did he say what the hell possessed him to do it?”
I finally turned my attention back to her. “Because he hates me. It’s his way of punishing me for...” I couldn’t even finish my sentence; the tears wouldn’t allow it.
“Oh, Hopie. I’m so sorry, sweetie. You don’t deserve this. This was not your fault and Jamie knows that. He’s just hurting and -.”
“He’s hurting?! Really?! He’s hurting?! Well, you know, I lost my son that day, too!” I shouted. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was sick of feeling like my feelings were inadequate.
“I know, Hope, and I’m not saying that what he did was right,” she said, trying to calm me down. “All I’m saying is that -.”
I cut her off once again. “You know what, Tina? I don’t really care what you have to say. I don’t fuckin’ care what anyone has to say because it will always be poor Jamie all because his incompetent wife couldn’t watch his son in the ocean.”
“Hope, that’s not what I was saying.” I could tell that she was upset by my harshness, but I didn’t care.
“What’s wrong?” my mother asked, sticking her head out the front door.
“Me! I’m what’s wrong! I’m a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I deserve everything I’m getting!” I stormed into the house and up the stairs to my bedroom. I threw myself down on my bed and let the tears fall onto my pillow. I knew that Tina didn’t deserve my wrath and I owed her an apology, but I just couldn’t think about that right now. My mind was flooded with worry. Jamie. My marriage. Nick. And the fact that Tina had to bring to my attention that tomorrow was Mother’s Day and I would no longer be celebrating it the way I had for the past eight years.
I didn’t even look up when I heard the light knock on my door. “No one is blaming you, Hope, except for you,” my mother said, moving my hair out of my face as she sat down on the side of my bed.
I finally lifted my head from my pillow. “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I don’t have my baby here to celebrate it with me. I’m not a mom anymore and it just hurts so -.” I couldn’t speak over the sobs that escaped my throat. I sat up and my mother took me in her arms, hugging me tightly.
She took my face in her hands as she tried to hold back her own tears. “Hope, you will always be Charlie’s mother. Nothing will ever change that.”
“I miss him so much, Mom. When is it going to get easier to think about him, to talk about him, or even just to say his name?”
“I don’t know, sweetie. This is such a double-edged sword for me. I lost my grandchild, and now I’m watching my daughter suffer. I just wish I could take away some of the pain for you because I would if I could.”
She sat with me for a while longer until I calmed myself down. She placed her hand in mine. “Why don’t you get yourself together and the two of us will go out for a late lunch.”
I nodded as she got up and walked out the door. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. I picked up the picture sitting on my nightstand and traced my finger over Charlie’s face. How I wished that I could feel his warm skin instead of the cool glass beneath my fingertip. I closed my eyes, remembering the sweet smell of his breath and his salty lips touching mine for the very last time. It was a bittersweet memory that would haunt me for the rest of my life, yet one that I wanted to preserve forever. I moved the picture closer, looking directly into Charlie’s beautiful blue eyes. “Mommy loves you so much, baby, and I’m so sorry. I wish it could have been me instead of you. I would give up anything in this world to have you here with me today, tomorrow, and forever.”
The heavenly aroma of freshly brewed coffee woke me from my sleep. I smiled as I opened my eyes to Charlie standing next to my bed with a coffee cup in his hand. “For me!?” I asked as I sat up.
Charlie nodded and smiled widely “Happy Mother’s Day!”
I took the cup from him and placed it on my nightstand. Tapping on the bed, I motioned for him to sit down next to me. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. “Thank you so much, Charlie.”
“You’re welcome. Daddy is trying to make you breakfast, but he burned the pancakes and had to start all over again.” We began to giggle. We both knew that Jamie and cooking was not a very good match.
I kissed him on his head, inhaling the smell of his favorite grape shampoo. “I’m so lucky to have the greatest kid in the world, you know that?”
Charlie shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “Mom, what happens to kids that don’t have Mom’s on Mother’s Day?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, my friend Zach doesn’t have a mom. She died when he was really little.” My heart broke at the pain that I had seen in Charlie’s eyes at that moment.
I took a deep breath. “Well, she’s still his mom and always will be. Just because she’s not here anymore doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a mom.”
“Oh, but that would really stink to never be able to see your mom again. It would make me really sad if that happened to you.” I could see the tears building in his eyes.
I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the head. “I would never leave you, sweet boy. I love you way too much.”
He leaned his head into me and we sat in comfortable silence while I softly caressed his face. Charlie was the center of my world. He was the greatest gift that I had ever received, and sitting with him at this particular moment and seeing his empathy for others at such a young age made me realize just how truly blessed I was to be celebrating Mother’s Day with this beautiful child.
I was broken from my trance when Jamie appeared in the doorway. “Hey, a little birdie told me that you were making me breakfast,” I giggled.
“Yeah, well….I don’t think you would really want to eat that,” Jamie said.
“That bad?” I laughed.
“Oh, yeah! So how about if I take you guys out to breakfast?”
“Wow, breakfast with two handsome guys!? This is going to be a great Mother’s Day!”
Charlie eagerly jumped off the bed. “Yay! Now I can have real pancakes instead of eating Daddy’s!”
Jamie got him in a bear hug and began to tickle him. “What was that?”
Charlie tried his best to catch his breath between his laughter. “I’m kidding,” he said. “Hey, Mommy?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I invite Zach over to play after we get done with breakfast since his mom isn’t here?”
I felt my eyes burning with tears at Charlie’s request. “You know, Charlie, that is an awesome idea. I’ll call his dad in a little bit.”
“Okay!” Charlie said as he ran off to his room to get dressed.
Jamie sat down on the bed next to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him softly on the lips. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“
For what? Attempting to make you pancakes?” he laughed.
I shook my head. “For that little boy. He is the greatest gift in the world and I cannot even imagine my life without him.”
Jamie smiled and pressed his forehead into mine. “Me, either.”
“We do good work, don’t we?” I smiled.
“The best.”
I arrived at the bakery way before opening time, waiting for my brother to arrive. We were working for my mom so she and Patty could enjoy their morning at the spa. Even though they had begged me to go with them, I felt more comfortable celebrating Mother’s Day this year as a daughter and not a mom. I decided to face what I had been putting off for weeks…calling Jamie’s mother. Jamie’s parents were still down in Florida, where they would always spend their winters. Normally, they would come back in March, not able to stay away from Charlie for long. This year they had extended their stay and I knew exactly why. I dialed her number and waited for an answer. I had no idea if she had spoken to Jamie, but I was about to find out. “Good morning, Hope!” she answered in her always cheerful voice.
“Hi, Kate. Happy Mother’s Day.”
“Oh, thank you, sweetheart, and Happy Mother’s Day to you.” Her voice cracked with emotion. “I know this has got to be a tough day and I hope that my son is doing something special for you.” Okay, that answered that question. She hadn’t talked to Jamie.
There was an uncomfortable silence. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t feel like getting into all of the agonizing details, either. “Hope, is everything okay?” she asked. I could hear the fear in her voice.
“Umm… yeah. Jamie is in San Diego for work. I’m sure that you’ll be hearing from him later on today.”
“Hope, what’s wrong, honey?” She obviously wasn’t falling for my act.
“Kate, Jamie and I have decided to separate for a while. We just need some time, you know…”
“Oh no!” I could tell that she was almost in tears.
“It’s just a lot right now. We’re both still hurting so much that it’s better off this way for now.”
“You know, when I talked to him last week, he didn’t say a word to me about it, but I could tell that he wasn’t himself. Oh, sweetie, I wish I could be there to be spending the day with you. One of our shopping marathons would take your mind from it.”
“Yeah, that would be fun.” I did my best to force a laugh.
“Well, I will be back in a few weeks. It’s already getting way too hot for me down here. I want to get together as soon as we get back. It will be perfect timing for your birthday!”
“That sounds perfect. Have a wonderful day, Kate.”
“You, too, sweetheart. And, Hope, I know that you and Jamie will get through this. I really do. Call it mother’s intuition, but I just know that you will. You both love each other way too much.”
I took a deep breath. “Thanks. I hope so.”
We said our goodbyes and I was feeling even lower. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Kate’s Mother’s Day by delivering that news to her, but I didn’t want to lie to her, either. I had just finished putting on the coffee and was preparing to open. I texted my brother to find out where he was and shook my head when I saw his reply: Overslept. Be there in twenty. I unlocked the door and propped it open, letting in the warm spring air, doing a double-take when I looked out and saw Penny sitting all alone on the bench.
“Good morning, Penny! Where’s Marty?” I asked.
She slowly got up and walked into the bakery. I could tell right away that she wasn't herself. She wasn't wearing her signature bright pink blush or lipstick, and the spryness in her step seemed to be missing. She took my hand in hers and I could see the tears in her eyes. “He's in the hospital, sweetie. They think that he had a heart attack.”
“Oh, Penny, I'm so sorry.” I motioned for her to sit down. I grabbed a jelly donut for her and prepared her tea the way she liked it. I poured myself a cup of coffee and took the seat across from her.
“Thank you, honey,” she said. Her hands were shaking as she lifted her tea cup up to her mouth.
“Is he going to be okay?”
“I don’t know. They have him in ICU right now. They’re running more tests.”
I took her hand in mine. “It’s going to be okay, Penny. Marty would never leave you. He wouldn’t take the chance of having his girl being swooped away by another man.” I was happy to see the corners of mouth curve up and form something that resembled a smile.
“Thank you, Hope. I just pray to God that you’re right.”
“So, are you celebrating Mother’s Day today, Hope? Do you have any children?”
I swallowed hard, trying not to make her feel uneasy about the question that she had just asked. But I could tell that she had sensed my anxiety by the look on her face. “My son….he…umm…” This time is was Penny wrapping her hand around mine in support. “He drowned nine months ago.” I looked out the window and blinked away my tears.
She squeezed my hand tightly and tears flowed down her face. I looked at her in confusion. “Penny, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, Hope, I knew there was something special about you. We have a connection. I lost my baby girl fifty-one years ago. She was only six-years-old. It was a car accident and I was driving. The man ran a stop sign. Back then, we didn’t worry about seat belts or car seats. She didn’t stand a chance.” Her eyes pooled with tears.
“Oh, my god, Penny. I’m sorry. I had no idea. Was she your only child?”
She nodded. “I know the pain in your heart, sweetie. I do. I still feel it to this day. She was a part of me and that part of me died along with her. It will get better, but the memories will never fade. But, one day, you will be able to say his name without crying and feeling as if you could have done something to change it.”
Finally, someone who understood me. She didn’t pity me but, instead, she respected my feelings. She didn’t try and coddle me and tell me that it was going to be okay. She related to me and that was exactly what I needed.
“Can I ask you a personal question, Penny? If you don’t want to answer, I completely understand.”
“Sure, honey. What is it?”
“How did you and Marty get through it?”
She smiled. “That right there was the biggest test of our marriage. It was pretty rocky for a while after it happened. We drifted apart for a while, but we finally realized that we still loved each other and, in the end, it just made us stronger.”
“God, I hope that’s true for me and my husband.”
She rubbed her hand on mine. “Just give it time, Hope. That’s all you can do.”
I sighed heavily and nodded. We looked into each other’s eyes, each trying to provide a sense of comfort to the other. “Happy Mother’s Day, Penny.”
“Happy Mother’s Day, Hope.”
She smiled widely and tapped her tea cup to my coffee cup. “To us.” I smiled back and took a sip of my coffee, feeling a little more like a mother today.
“Hope, really, you don’t have to do this,” my mother protested.
“Leave me alone. I want to. I love doing this,” I said as I cleared out a spot for the hydrangea bush that I had bought along with the five flats of annuals.
“Okay. I’m going to go in and make you something to eat for lunch. You’ve been at this all morning.” I shook my head and put the earplugs to my iPod back in as she walked in the house.
I loved to garden. It helped to center me and keep my mind occupied. It had been almost a week since I had visited Nick at his dad’s house and I hadn’t heard a word from him since. I kept telling myself that he would call me when he was ready to talk, but I couldn’t deny the fact that I missed talking to him. I was missing Jamie even more and our wedding song blasting through my headphones was only making matters worse. “That’s enough of that,” I said, as I ripped my head phones from my ears.
“Enough of w
hat?” I looked up into the bright sunlight and smiled upon seeing Nick standing over me.
“Hey, you!” I stood up and wiped the dirt from my knees. I quickly eyed him. He still didn’t look like himself. There was still so much sadness in his eyes that I wished I could take away. “What’s going on?” I asked, trying to hide my worry for him and sound as upbeat as possible.
He shook his head and looked down at my flowers. “Wow, that’s a lot of flowers.”
Okay, clearly he doesn’t want to talk about it and I’m not going to force him. “Yeah, I know. I’m trying to change the front yard back into the way it looked when my dad was alive. He always had the most beautiful flowers. My mother may be a good baker, but she certainly doesn’t have a green thumb.”
Nick tried his best to form a smile. “You need some help?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure. That would be great!”
Three hours later, Nick and I had created a page from a Better Homes and Garden’s magazine. He was unusually quiet the whole time and I didn’t push him. We worked together in comfortable silence for the most part. We stood at the end of driveway and admired our work. “We make a good team, don’t we?” I asked.
Nick nodded and I could tell his mind was a million miles away. “Did you want to grab some dinner in a bit?” I asked.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Well, it’s either yes or no, Abate,” I teased.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay. I have to take a quick shower. I will pick you up in hour. My treat for all your hard work.”
He nodded and stared at me blankly. “What is it, Nick?”
He shook his head and snapped out of it. “Oh… nothing. I’ll see you in an hour,” he said, walking off to his car. I stood there and watched him drive away. Clearly, something was bothering him, but I couldn’t help him if he wasn’t willing to tell me.
Nick and I took a seat at the bar while we waited for our table. We were making small talk as he sipped his beer and I enjoyed my pina colada. I was doing my best to ignore the two drunk guys sitting next to me. I could tell that Nick was getting really annoyed with them by the way that he was glaring, which was only adding to my anxiety. I was praying that the hostess would come and take us to our table. “So Nick, what do you think -?” My glass fell from my hand and I was covered in pina colada when one of the guys sitting next to us rammed into me.
