by Maisey Yates
“You think you can Monday-morning quarterback my grief?”
“I think someone has to take the time to point out that grieving is a process, and you’re not getting through it. I sure as hell expect that you’ll love the woman you married for the rest of your life, that you’ll remember her birthday and that when the anniversary of her death rolls around every year you’ll go to visit her grave. And I damn sure expect you’ll think of that baby. How old he would have been, when his birthday might have been. Yeah, I expect that will stay with you forever. But I also expect that at some point you need to start arranging that pain around your life, rather than arranging your life around your pain.”
Pain sliced through Connor’s chest like a razor. “Get out of my house,” he said.
“Connor, I’m reaching my hand out, and I want to save you. Liss wants to save you. For God’s sake take someone’s hand.”
An image of being at the bottom of a dark pit filled Connor’s mind. A hand reaching out in the darkness. But the darkness felt so safe. Such a great place to hide.
“Get out, Sheriff.” He gestured toward the door.
Eli stared him down for a moment, as though he were waiting. For something else. For a different answer. For Connor to break down in tears and pull him into a hug.
He was shit out of luck there.
“Suit yourself. See you around.” Eli turned and walked out, slamming the front door behind him.
And just like that, his house was empty again.
* * *
LISS HAD BEEN completely stunned last night when her mother had opted to cancel her plans and stay home and listen to what was going on with Liss’s life.
It hadn’t been the most in-depth conversation, but it was more than she usually got out of her mom.
Still, she knew that she couldn’t stay there long-term. So she was sitting in The Grind, trying not to cry crocodile tears into her coffee while she looked at apartment listings online, knowing full well that the chance of getting one was slim. Thanks to Marshall. Because, even though she was turning over a new leaf, she was still paying for that period in her life when she’d been a little pushover.
A hand lowered right in front of her, and another mug of coffee was placed beside her nearly empty one. She looked up and saw Cassie, the owner of The Grind, and one of Liss’s clients, looking down at her, her brow wrinkled. “Are you okay, Liss?”
“Yes. No. Not at all.”
“Oh, dear.” Cassie sat down across from her. “What’s up?”
“It’s a saga.”
“It so happens that I’m on a break. And my break is about saga length. Go for it.”
“Well, I got evicted. About a month and a half ago. But the biggest problem with that is that my credit is bad because of my stupid ex-boyfriend. So instead of letting me get thrown out on the streets, Connor Garrett had me move in with him. He’s my friend. He was my friend. Anyway, some things happened...and now I’m looking for a place to live again.”
Cassie frowned. “Things happened, huh?”
“Yes.”
“What kinds of things?”
“The kinds of things that happen when men and women are in close quarters,” Liss said.
“Oh.”
“Yes, oh. So basically it’s all bad. If I look like I lost my best friend, it’s because I have lost my best friend. And I’m homeless.”
“Well, I can’t help you with the best-friend thing, but I might be able to help you with the homeless thing.”
Liss wrapped her hands around her coffee cup. “You can?”
“Jake just finished renovating the old family farmhouse, so we’re going to move out to the property. In fact, we started moving yesterday. Anyway, the upstairs apartment, which is huge, since we combined the two into one, will be empty.”
“Oh, that’s so nice of you... It’s just that...the credit thing...”
“I don’t care about that. I know you. And I’ll know where you live. I know you’re stable. I use you to do my books, so you better be.” Cassie told her the rent rate, which was more than fair. “See? I’m not giving out charity. But I do want to help you.”
“Oh, that’s fine. I can afford it. I just haven’t been able to find anyone to rent to me.”
“Well, I will. What’s the point of living in a small town? If people won’t cut corners and do things for you based on knowing you, rather than what a federal bureau says about you?”
Liss tried to force a smile. “That’s a good question. Cassie, thank you so much for this. Of all the things I have to worry about right now, it’s nice to cross one off the list.”
“Sorry I couldn’t do more for you.”
Liss sighed. “I suspect it’s one of those things that only time will take care of.”
And time would take care of it. It had to. That was the entire point of cutting Connor out of her life altogether. Just the thought sent a sharp pain slicing through her chest. Yes, that had to get better. Otherwise it would just be a matter of learning to live with the ache. Maybe that was what grief was. Because this was certainly grief for her. For their lost friendship, for the loss of a dream.
Which meant that both she and Connor would spend the rest of their lives wandering Copper Ridge with pain in their chests. That seemed appropriate in some ways. Though she didn’t wish that on him. Even now, she didn’t wish it on him.
She didn’t wish it on herself, either, but it seemed inevitable.
This seemed like the moment to call a friend, maybe Jeanette, get a gallon of ice cream and a spoon and watch chick flicks. It was what people always did in movies to get over broken hearts. But Liss didn’t want to do that. She wanted to put on an oversize sweater and crawl under a blanket and never resurface. She could live forever in a cocoon of knitted yarn, never talking to anyone about what happened, never facing reality. She could resurface for hot beverages and cake, and nothing else. That sounded much better than sharing her pain and being social over a movie starring Hugh Grant.
Anyway, inevitably, Hugh Grant would start talking about his feelings and sharing with his leading lady, and then Liss would just want to punch him in the teeth for daring to be so much more sensitive than the asshole she had fallen in love with.
She sighed heavily and stood, breathing in deep, the sharp pain in her chest a companion to the breath, not as notable as it had been only a moment ago. This was, she had a feeling, her new normal. Pain and breathing.
“Is there a good time for me to come and look at the apartment?” Liss asked Cassie.
“I can give you a key and you can go up now if you want.”
Liss hesitated for a moment, because it was a step toward making all of this reality. Leaving Connor for real. Which was exactly why she was going to say yes. “That would be great. Thank you.”
“Just a second. I can’t leave the shop but you’re welcome to poke around. Most of our stuff is gone. Just a few pieces of furniture left.”
Cassie hustled behind the counter and bent down, pulling a key off a little hook that was screwed into the wood cabinet. She popped back up and reached over the counter, handing the key to Liss. “You can go through the store here, and use the inside stairs. Go on up,” she said, smiling.
Liss managed a smile back, and she felt somewhat triumphant.
She followed Cassie’s instructions and walked up the narrow staircase that led to the apartment over the coffee shop. She put the key in the door and jiggled it, pushing the door open. It was a beautiful space. Exposed brick, wood floors, high ceilings and a large open floor plan. Way too big for one person.
She wandered over to the window that faced the main street of Copper Ridge. She could see the row of little businesses that comprised the old town, the American and Oregon flags blowing in the wind, and a slice of brown sand and gray
sea beyond.
It was beautiful. Better than the house she lived in before.
But not better than living with Connor.
She had a feeling she would always long for that house. Set back in the trees, in the mountains, a testament to the hard work of the man she loved.
The man who didn’t love her.
She turned away from the window and walked over to the couch that was positioned at the center of the room. She sank onto it slowly, resting her forearms on her thighs, leaning forward and staring straight ahead. She wasn’t even sure what she was looking at. Just the empty space, maybe.
Really, no matter how beautiful the apartment was, no matter how nice the view was, it didn’t really matter. Not right now.
“But it will. It will matter.” She said those words out loud, because she needed to hear them.
Yes, this hurt. But she wasn’t going to die. And she didn’t need to sink in despair and self-loathing. Her worst fear had been realized. She’d done something wrong, and it had resulted in the end of a relationship she prized. It was the thing she had worked her entire life to avoid. And yet, now that she was staring it down, she realized two things.
One, it hurt a lot more than she could have imagined. And two, it wasn’t about her.
It was Connor’s baggage. Connor’s pain. And maybe, even without all of that, he still wouldn’t have loved her. But it didn’t mean there was something wrong with her. It didn’t mean she should have worked harder. And failing didn’t mean she was worth less.
A small burst of hope settled in her heart, right next to the ache. Yes, it was terrible. And yes, she still thought the large sweater and cozy blanket seemed like viable options for her future. But she hadn’t lost all her faith. She hadn’t lost her faith in herself.
She would get through this. Because the alternative was becoming... Well, the alternative was becoming like Connor. The alternative was holding on to hurt as if it was a lifeline, as though it was the only thing keeping you rooted to the earth.
It was so tempting to hold on to the past. But if her hands were full of all that, she could never grab on to anything new.
She would live. Because she deserved to. Because she deserved to be happy. No matter how the relationship with her mother, the relationship with Connor, worked out, she deserved happiness. She deserved something she didn’t have to work quite so hard for.
She stood up, her legs shaking, and walked back out the door and down the stairs, back into the warmth and noise of the coffee shop. There was something comforting about the sounds down there, something that she hadn’t recognized only a few moments earlier. The clanking dishes, the chatter, the smiles on everyone’s faces, reminded her now that life went on.
And thank God for that.
She made her way back to the counter, back to Cassie. “It’s perfect. I’ll take it.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
IT WAS SO EARLY the sun was just now creeping over the edge of the mountains, a golden band highlighting the peaks and ridges, the edges of the fir trees glowing while the valley before him remained dark.
Connor maneuvered his horse through the landscape, the only sound the pounding of hooves on grass. The air was so cold it numbed his face, made his eyes burn. Which made it more difficult for him to confront the emotions that were rioting through him. Which was just how he liked it.
He didn’t want to feel. Didn’t want to feel the emptiness in his home, and most especially not the emptiness in his chest. He didn’t want to miss a woman whom he could have if he would just break free.
That was the worst part. Right now he was in a hell of his own making.
Because he was a fucking coward.
He pulled back on his horse’s reins and slowed her, before stopping her completely. In some ways a death was easier than this. Not less painful, but the actions were easier. Because there was no choice to make. It was a blow dealt by life that you couldn’t argue against. But this...
For God’s sake take someone’s hand.
He heard his brother’s voice again, and he squeezed his eyes shut, fighting against the wave of emotion that crashed through him.
The simple truth was that at a certain point his grief had become safe. It wasn’t comfortable. But it was safe. Because as long as he stayed down deep in the darkest part of his pain, no new pain could touch him. He’d used his barn as evidence that caring was dangerous. Had used it as another piece for his case.
But the barn had been rebuilt. And the ranching operation had gone on. And Connor was still standing in the ashes of his life, refusing to budge.
He dismounted, sliding off the back of the horse, his feet planting on the soft ground without making a sound.
He walked forward a few steps before stumbling, falling down onto his knee. The cold and the wet soaked through his jeans, and he didn’t care. What was a little more discomfort?
When Jessie had died, there had been no decisions to make. No one had asked his opinion. There had been nothing but pain and alcohol. There had been no one standing around waiting for him to decide whether or not he wanted to live without her. He was living without her. And there was nothing else that could be done.
But now...now there was a decision to be made. A terrifying decision. Now he was choosing to walk through the darkness. He couldn’t deny that. He’d already had the revelation that he couldn’t stand still anymore. But he’d applied that only to the easy things. To sex, to the ranch. He’d managed to keep little pieces of himself back there in the past, managed to grab hold of a bit of the present, and at the same time hoarding his grief.
He could keep a hold of his grief and still be in the present, but there was no way he could have a future unless he released his hold on everything that was behind him. And that was really the threshold he was on right now. Did he want to exist, taking only little pieces of what felt good now? Or did he want dreams again? Hope for the future, for bigger and better things, no matter how much it might hurt if he lost them?
He knew the cost of loss. Knew it better than most. Knew what it was like to lose not just the people he loved the most, but his future, his identity.
Knowing that, knowing that pain, how could he possibly open himself up to that again?
A picture of Liss’s face swam before his eyes, and his heart clenched tight.
Dammit. He loved her. He loved her already, whether he wanted to or not. And he was a fool. She had been there for him, for every moment, always. As a friend, whether or not he had been a friend in return, she had been there. And as a lover. She had been everything he’d ever asked her to be, and more. Everything he wasn’t worthy of. Everything he had no right to ask for.
He thought back to the past three years. To every demonstration, no matter how small, of her love for him. Because it had been there. From the beginning. No matter what manner of love, she had loved him. Romantic, friendship, it was all love. And it had been in every meal she’d shared with him while he sat there in silence, hungover and grumpy, the worst possible company. It had been there every time she had brought groceries to fill his cabinets, every time she had yelled at him for drinking too much. Every time she had smiled at him, for him, when he hadn’t had the strength.
She loved him. He had done nothing to deserve it, nothing to earn it, and she loved him. It was a gift that no man deserved, least of all him. And he had it. And he could still have it, if he hadn’t fucked it up beyond repair.
If only he wasn’t afraid.
If only he wasn’t holding on.
You have to let go.
More words from Eli.
And it was the absolute hard truth.
And so he let himself remember. His engagement, that moment he’d slipped the ring on her finger. His wedding and all the vows he’d made, and meant from the bottom of his heart. His
marriage, the good, the bad, the ugly. Finding out he was going to be a father. So terrifying and beautiful. The way that Jessie smiled, the way her blue eyes crinkled up tight. And the way she frowned when she was about to tell him off.
And then he remembered the day she died. And he let himself feel it. It was like a storm inside him, and all he could do was lower his head and let it wash over him until it passed.
“I have to let you go,” he said, even though he knew she couldn’t hear him. Just in case. He had to say it just in case. “I’m not going to forget it. But I can’t hold on anymore. Because there are people here that I have to hold on to.”
He stood slowly, rising along with the sun. It flooded the valley with light, the warm rays touching his skin. He closed his eyes and faced the light, taking a deep breath, letting it wash over him.
And for the very first time in three years, the light of a new day touched his soul. For the very first time in three years, he felt the sun rise.
* * *
LISS LOCKED HER NEW apartment door and walked down the stairs, taking the door that led outside, behind The Grind. She had been moved in for a couple of days, and it was going well. In that achy, desolate kind of empty way.
She sighed, her breath visible in the cold air. It was inching closer to Thanksgiving, which sounded like absolutely no fun to her. Seeing as she usually spent Thanksgiving with the Garrett clan, and she imagined that this year her invitation would be revoked.
Oh, well. She could go eat in the diner by herself.
Or perhaps, if she had progressed to chick flick and ice cream stage by then, she could do that.
She shoved her hands into her pockets and walked around to the front of the building, heading down the street where she had parked yesterday. That was the only real problem with the apartment. Besides the emptiness and the desolation. The parking.
The wind whipped across her face, pulling part of her hair from its bun, the loose strand sticking to her lips. She ran her fingers down the side of her face and tugged it free, shaking her head reflexively.
