by Cindy Wilder
“Oh, that wasn't a compliment,” he said. “I see.”
“Shut up and watch the show,” I said.
He put his arm around me and watched the show I had just turned on.
I opened my eyes and felt someone next to me. Brad had his head back against the wall and his arm around me. I had my head nuzzled in his chest with my arm around his stomach. We must have fallen asleep while the show was on. I took a huge sniff in and soaked up his scent. He was so sexy. My hand rubbed his chest through his t-shirt. His muscles were hard beneath it. I didn't want him to leave, but I had to have him out before my roommate came back. I was going to miss the feel of him against me. I looked up at the clock and noticed it was after midnight. We both had to be up for early classes.
“Brad,” I whispered, trying not to freak him out. “Brad.”
He slowly opened one eye and looked at me. I smiled at him, as he fought to open his other eye.
“It's after midnight and you have an early class,” I whispered.
“Why are you whispering?” he asked in a whisper.
“I didn't want to wake you up too fast,” I said.
“I'm up now. Do we still have to whisper?” he asked.
I burst out laughing and shook my head.
“What am I going to do with you?” I asked.
“Use me for my brain and my strong manly hands,” he answered.
I opened my eyes wide and looked at him.
“Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant to cut up your frogs for you.”
He got his books ready and was walking out of my room.
“Can you do me a favor?” I asked.
“That depends,” he answered. “You could ask me anything. I won't tell you until you tell me what it is.”
“Can you text me when you get to your apartment? I worry about things happening to people sometimes, and I won't be able to sleep unless I know you're home.”
He gave me a sweet puppy dog look.
“You care if I get home safe,” he said mocking me.
“Of course I do,” I said. “If anything happens to you, who's going to dissect those animals? I have to keep you around until June.”
He looked at me and rolled his eyes.
“Don't make fun of me about it. It's kind of a big deal. Just text me, please.”
I stood still looking down at my fidgeting hands.
“I'm sorry,” he said. “I didn't realize. I'll text you as soon as I walk in the door.”
“Thank you,” I said.
He left, and I got in bed. It seemed like a lot of time had passed. I should have gotten his number. What if something happened, I wondered? I couldn't even try to call him. Text me, I thought. My stomach started to tense up just as I heard the buzz of my phone, and relief washed over me. I quickly grabbed my phone to check it.
Brad: I just got home.
Me: Thanks for letting me know. It's just a weird thing I have. Before you say it, I have lots of weird things.
Brad: That's not what I was going to say, but you do have a point. What are you doing?
Me: I'm already under the covers. I was just waiting for you to text so I could go to sleep.
Brad: Next time you're coming over here to study. I kind of liked you cuddled into my chest like that. You even smelled me.
Me: I'll come over, but only because you owe me dinner. I did not smell you.
Brad: Whatever you say. Thanks for caring if I got home. I'm being serious. Goodnight, Tara. Me, Kermit, and friends will see you tomorrow.
Me: Goodnight.
I drifted off to sleep thinking about Brad and what an amazing night I had with him. We didn't leave the dorm, but it was a lot of fun.
I woke up sweaty and turned on. Brad filled my dreams. He was sexy and smelled just like he did in real life. I could still feel his muscles under my fingers. He was an amazing kisser in my dreams. I had to wonder if it was that good for real. I'd kissed boys in high school, but that's as far as it ever got. My dream about Brad was filled with more than just kissing. It made my cheeks color just thinking about it. I'd never had an orgasm during a dream before. It was incredible. I was glad my roommate hadn't come back to the room. That would have been embarrassing.
As soon as he walked into the classroom, my body was on full alert. Poor guy didn't even know he'd made me come. I was laughing when he walked up.
“What are you laughing about? You do know that you're sitting here alone right?” he asked.
“Shut up,” I said with a smile.
He sat down and leaned in close to me.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I just thought you might want a little sniff,” he said.
I smacked his arm hard. He rubbed it pretending like it actually hurt.
“Very funny,” I said. “I sniffed you. I admit it. Will you please drop it now?”
“Since you admitted it,” he said. “If I hear you sniffle during class, I'll know what you're really doing.”
I shook my head and laughed.
“You think that's something,” I said with a straight face. “You should hear about the dream I had last night.”
He looked over at me.
“What were you dreaming about?” he asked.
The teacher walked in and began class. Brad looked over at me.
“This conversation is not over,” he whispered.
“I think it is,” I said.
“That shit's not funny,” he whispered back.
I opened my notebook and began taking notes looking straight ahead. There was no way I was looking in his direction. As soon as the teacher was done talking, I grabbed my books and took off out the door. I still couldn't believe I had said that to Brad. A few minutes later my phone buzzed with a text.
Brad: You can't run from me, Tara. I can text you all day long. That was just wrong.”
Me: What are you talking about?
Brad: You're not getting away with this. I'm going to get even with you. I have one question.
Me: What's that?
Brad: Did you at least come?
Me: What?
Brad: I'll take that as a yes. Have a nice day!
I closed the door to my room and fell onto my bed. He was something else.
The next few months were more of the same. I saw Brad in class and at the lab. He did all the dirty work, but I watched and began getting into it. The only thing I still hadn't done was touch or cut the stuff. We talked and slowly got to know little things about each other. He would send me a text here or there, but I made sure to never be the first to send one. We met up before tests so he could quiz me. I made sure to always meet him in the library or cafeteria. After the text about me coming, I decided it was best to tone it down a bit. He didn't know I was extremely inexperienced, and I didn't want him judging me if he found out. He had experience. There was no way he didn't. I made up excuses about not meeting at his place or my dorm. I still took in his scent every chance I got. We made flirty comments occasionally and joked around a lot.
I had my grade at a solid A in the class. It was all thanks to him, but he didn't need to know I gave him credit. If his ego got any bigger, he wouldn't be able to fit his big head through the door. I knew from getting to know him that he didn't really have that high of an opinion of himself. He had just as many insecurities as I did, and he hid them well. Everything between us was so natural, and that scared the shit out of me. I really liked him and didn't want to put myself in a position to get hurt. He was sexy and sweet. There was no way I wanted to end up in an awkward situation and give my virginity to a guy who had the potential of breaking my heart. He was brilliant and gorgeous. I couldn't even dissect a frog. My grades weren't nearly as impressive as his and neither were my looks.
We had a test coming up, and I had been doing really well in the class. He'd been working his ass off between school and work, and I didn't want to bother him. He offered to study with me, but I turned him down. I could do it alone. We took the
test, and I got a C. I was so bummed when the teacher handed it to me. She always gave them back face down. Brad reached in front of me to turn it over, and I snatched it out of his hand and shoved it into my book.
“Let me see it,” he whispered.
“It was good,” I said in a cocky tone.
I didn't want him to see that I couldn't do it without him. It made me feel stupid. There was already enough going on in my head. Adding the not so good test score wasn't helping. My mind began to wander while the teacher spoke. We had only had one more month left in the class, and Brad would be done with me. I'd be going back home for the summer and would probably never see him again. He made me laugh, and I looked forward to seeing him. He messed me with me in a way nobody ever had. It was so much fun being around him. I knew I was going to miss him.
The teacher turned to write on the board. She was talking about what we were doing in lab the next day. When she wrote the following day's date, my heart sank. I hadn't been paying attention to the date on purpose. The date was getting closer, I knew it was. It wasn't something I wanted to think about. That was it. I had to get out of there. There was no way I could handle it. It was the first year I wasn't going to be home with my dad. Was he going to be okay, I wondered? How was I going to do it without him? I wasn't sure I could. There was no way I was leaving my dorm room. My emotions began building inside of me, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like everything was caving in around me. When I looked over at Brad, he was looking down at his phone. It was all too much. I grabbed all of my books and took off out the door before I lost it in front of everyone.
I closed the door to my room, put my books on my desk, and collapsed onto my bed in tears. My phone buzzed, and I knew I needed to check it.
Brad: What the hell was that about? Where are you?
Me: I'm not feeling well. I went back to my dorm.
Brad: Are you okay? Do you need anything?
Me: Nope. I'm good, thanks.
Brad: I'm coming by after my last class to check on you.
Me: Just go home and study. I'm going to sleep. I'll talk to you later.
Brad: What's wrong that you're feeling sick? Is it the flu?
Me: I'm not sure. I'll be fine. Have a good day.
Brad: What did you get on the test? You wouldn't let me see it.
Me: I'm tired. I'll just talk to you about it later.
Brad: Talk to me, Tara. I could tell something was wrong when you grabbed it from me.
I didn't answer him.
Brad: We're in this together. Tell me what you got. Is that why you took off from the class? If you don't tell me, I'm leaving the class and coming over there.
Me: We're not in this together, Brad. You're working twice as hard to make sure I get a good grade. It's not fair to you.
Brad: What grade? You have one minute to answer me.
Me: Stop. I'm a grown adult. Just let it go.
Brad: Thirty seconds left before I'm on my way.
Me: Fine. I got a C. I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow.
I knew I wasn't going to class the next day, but I didn't want him asking me anymore questions. I planned to spend the whole day locked in my room alone. It was the anniversary of my mom's death, and I needed to be by myself. It had been nine years since she passed, and I missed her every single day. My dad would be alone for the first time ever too. It was going to be hard on both of us.
Fifteen minutes later my phone buzzed. I knew class was over and he had about ten minutes until his next class started. It was strange how I knew his entire schedule. After class, he would have an hour before he had to be at work. When he got home, he would call me before sitting down to study. We really had become very good friends. I didn't know how I was going spend the summer without him there. We had a month left before we both headed home. I was still in bed under the covers when my phone went off.
Brad: Why didn't you let me study with you?
Me: You have classes and work so much. There's no reason for you to spend the only free time you having helping some girl who can't figure it out study for her test. I don't know how it happened. I studied for the damn thing. It's not your job to get me through the class.
Brad: You're not just some girl, Tara. I care about you. If I didn't want to help you, I wouldn't have offered. It helps me when we study. It's not just about you. I learn from it too.
Me: I'm calling bullshit on that. You know damn well it doesn't help you. You're just trying to make me feel better. You could get an A if you never even cracked open the book. All I do is write down what you say. I can't even touch the damn animals.
Brad: I can't help it that I'm not just a pretty face.
I knew he was trying to help, but it wasn't working. My grade dropped to a B, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to bring it up in a month.
Me: I'm not in the mood. Have fun in class.
Brad: I have to study as well. It's not like you make it sound. I genuinely get a lot out of studying with you. It helps that I get to spend more time with you too. I like going over stuff. It's amazing to see the look on your face when you figure something out. I have to get to class. Get some sleep. I hope you feel better. I'll call you after work.
Me: I'll probably still be in bed. I'll just see you tomorrow. Thanks for trying to cheer me.
Brad: I'll talk to you after work.
I stayed in bed the rest of the day. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth for bed. I pulled on a pair of shorts and a tank top and crawled back into the warmth of my covers. I was so lonely. I even thought about calling my dad to come get me for a few days, but I knew I couldn't. He had to get passed the first year without me there as much as I did without him. My stomach growled, but I couldn't make myself eat. I looked over at the clock and knew Brad would be calling. Part of me didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Another part of me couldn't wait to hear his voice. Right on time my phone rang.
“Hello,” I said quietly.
“What are you doing?” he asked with concern.
“I'm under the covers,” I answered.
“Have you been in bed the whole time?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Is this about your grade on the test, or is it really something else?” he asked.
“It's not just the grade,” I answered honestly.
“Have you eaten anything?”
“No,” I said. “I'm not hungry.”
“You have to eat something,” he said. “I'll bring something over.”
“No,” I said. “I'm already in my clothes for bed. I'll eat in the morning. Thanks for offering. That's really nice of you.”
“Anything for you,” he said. “Do you need to go to the clinic?”
“Look at you sounding like a doctor already,” I joked. “I'm just really tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow.”
We said a quick goodbye and I shut my phone completely off. I had no plans of getting up on time for class. He didn't really need me there. I was just a pain in his ass. My eyes closed and I cried, as I drifted off to sleep.
I heard a banging noise that wouldn't quit. When I opened my eyes, I saw the sun shining through the window. The knock got even louder than it was before. I pulled back the covers and felt dizzy as I moved to stand. Once I steadied myself, I walked over and undid the lock.
“What the fuck,” I snapped before the door was even half way open.
Brad walked passed me into my room.
“That's my line,” he snapped.
It was the first time I had seen him like that. I couldn't tell if he was mad or worried.
“You didn't show up for lab, and you didn't text to let me know you weren't coming. I text you for an hour straight, and you never answered. I couldn't just leave the fucking class, and I was worried sick about you. You didn't eat last night, and you wouldn't talk to me. When you wouldn't answer your phone, I thought something happened to you. I know that you weren't fe
eling well, but you could have at least let me know you weren't coming. You said see you tomorrow.”
He was still facing away from me. I could see him run his hands through his hair. If I wasn't busy feeling sorry for myself, I would've thought it was adorable. He was on a roll, and I felt bad for doing that to him. I wanted to be alone. The only person I ever spent that day with was my dad. Nobody else ever cared enough to worry about me.
“I'm sorry,” I said, as I burst into tears. “I didn't mean to scare you.”
He quickly turned around and his eyes widened. I looked up at him, and he crossed the room and wrapped me in his arms in seconds.
“I'm sorry,” he said. “I shouldn't have snapped at you. I was just worried. It's kind of a problem I have. I've never told anyone this, but I worry when I can't find someone. It's been a thing since my dad left when I was little. He came back for a few years, but I never got over that fear. I'm sorry I took it out on you. You weren't answering your phone, and I couldn't just leave the class. I had to wait to come and check on you. I didn't mean to make you cry. Why's your face so puffy? How long have you been crying?”
“It's from last night,” I said with a sniffle.
“Shit! You were crying last night,” he said.
Brad walked us over to my bed. He kicked off his shoes and sat back against the wall. Then he pulled me down on his lap and wrapped his arms around me.
“Was it because of the test?” he asked. “It brought your grade to what, a B? We can fix that in the next month. We're starting a new animal next week. We'll have the report and test on that. With that and the final, you'll have it back at an A in no time. You can't get so upset over that. We'll fix it.”
“That's not it,” I said.
“That's not the reason you were crying,” he said. “What is it?”
I'd fought touching or being close to him for months. I couldn't do it anymore. In that moment, I needed to feel the warmth of his body. He made me feel safe. I stayed in his arms and put my head down on his shoulder. After a minute, he lifted my chin and looked into my very red eyes.
“Talk to me, Tara. Please,” he said. “I'm so damn worried. What is it?”
“My mom,” I said, as I pulled my chin from his hand and buried my face in his chest.
