No Child of Mine

by Susan Lewis

  ‘I’m leaving now,’ he told her. ‘I’ll be home at my usual time.’

  After he’d gone, she stood at the window, staring at the empty driveway, not moving until she felt sure he wasn’t coming back. Then putting on her coat she went out to the back garden. Finding his shed-cum-studio as it always was, padlocked top, bottom and middle, she fetched a spade from the lean-to next to the house, and smashed it straight through the shed’s double window. Taking care not to cut herself, she eased the most lethal daggers of glass from the frame, then stepped on to an upturned dustbin and hoisted herself up on to the sill. A moment later, she was swinging her legs into the darkened interior and slipping soundlessly to the floor. The smell to her was sickening, because it was of him, mingled with candlewax and turps. She looked at the tissue box on the long desk, the packs of disposable gloves, the various toys, and felt sicker than ever.

  She touched none of it: the contamination might kill her and she wasn’t ready to die yet.

  To her surprise there were only two computers, though she couldn’t be sure why she’d expected more. A lot of his photographic equipment was around too, not as neatly stored as she’d imagined it to be, but most of it was in cases or wrapped in soft cloths. There were no examples of his work decorating the walls, nor any further signs of the hobbies he pursued in here.

  Quickly turning on both computers she waited, her head swimming with voices and images, as they whirred and bleeped into life. It was as though they were preparing to take her on a journey into a bizarre other world – the kind of world where memories would rise up like hands to grasp her throat and choke her into oblivion.

  She needed her pills.

  Both computers required passwords for entry. She should have thought of that. She typed in Ottilie, Jonathan, Brian, even her own name, but none allowed access. She combined them, added figures, tried putting in their surname, address, previous house in Northumbria, but each attempt was rejected.

  In the end she shut the computers down, climbed back through the window, righted the bin, replaced the spade and returned to the house. She was going to enjoy telling him about the vandals who’d sneaked into the garden in broad daylight and wilfully smashed his shed window. Of course he’d guess it was her, but he wouldn’t be able to prove it, nor could he report it to the police. He’d simply have to call in a glazier to repair it and when it was finished she’d smash it again.

  Why had she never thought of doing this before?

  In the kitchen, snatching her pills from a drawer, she swallowed four in one go. Sleep would come soon, blessed sleep, her only friend, her only escape from the voices, the pain, the memories that sprang from her body with monstrous bodies of their own.

  Who had sent Alex Lake?

  Remembering she’d put on a CD before Brian had left, she returned to the sitting room, but instead of pressing play she decided to switch on the TV instead. A rerun of A Place in the Sun: Home or Away should be on by now. She liked Jasmine and Jonnie, the presenters, even though Jasmine’s grammar was annoying. Why did she always have to say at the end of a programme, ‘... join Johnnie and I next time around ...’ Wasn’t there a producer or someone to explain to her why that was wrong?

  Ottilie would stay upstairs for the rest of the afternoon watching her favourite CBeebies, or drawing pictures for Alex Lake. Had she remembered to tell her to do that? It didn’t matter, there was plenty of time before Alex Lake came again.

  She didn’t want to think about Ottilie now.

  She never wanted to think about Ottilie.

  Later, when Brian came home, she’d tell him about the shed window and then she’d try not to laugh as she watched his eyes glaze with fear.

  Chapter Thirteen

  ALEX WOKE WITH a start. For a moment she couldn’t quite grasp a sense of where, or even who she was. The dream felt so real, so urgent that her heart was still thudding and the woman’s fear continued pounding through her. She still couldn’t be sure if the woman was her; she only knew that she’d been running from something that had no form, or sound, or even a presence.

  Forcing herself to focus on the darkness around her, she realised that she was at home, in the sitting room amongst the books and chests and cosy old furniture she’d grown up with. Evidently she’d fallen asleep on the sofa, though not for long it would seem, because the clock was only showing eight thirty, yet it felt as though she’d been out for hours.

  She wondered if Jason was home yet, then remembered with a painful pang that he wouldn’t be coming. She closed her eyes and wished she could go back to sleep.

  There had been a child in the dream, she realised, a small girl. She was slipping away now, vanishing like a ghost into thin air. Her mind went to Ottilie. She’d been rereading her notes from yesterday’s meeting with the Wades when she’d fallen asleep. They were still on the floor beside her, rough printouts of a report she was finding hard to sum up. She wasn’t sure her judgement could be trusted when her own life was in such turmoil. Jason had gone, she had to leave her home, her job wasn’t secure, and earlier she’d received an email from Millie’s niece telling her that Millie was going to be moved to a care home closer to York.

  It felt as though everything, everyone was slipping away.

  It was only when the phone started to ring that she realised it was what had woken her just now. Obviously whoever it was had rung off, unless there was a message on the machine.

  ‘Hi, it’s me,’ Gabby said when she went through to the kitchen to pick up. ‘Are you dashing out? Have you got a minute?’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Alex told her, taking the phone back to the sofa and curling into one corner. ‘Did you ring a moment ago?’

  ‘No, wasn’t me. You’re not rehearsing tonight?’

  ‘We’ve put it off to tomorrow. It’s our last show on Saturday. Do you think you’ll be able to make it?’

  ‘I’m trying, and actually it’s looking good, provided Martin’s mum can babysit. He’s off on one of his golfing days, otherwise he’d do it. Anyway, the reason I’m calling is to find out where you’re going to be tomorrow during the day.’

  Stifling a yawn, Alex said, ‘At work, where I always am. Why?’

  ‘Well, would you believe, Elaine, the estate agent in the village, has this property developer who’s interested in the Vicarage and Millie’s cottage. Apparently he might want to knock them into one and create a much bigger house for him and his family to live in. So, I was hoping you might be there at some point to let them in so he can have a look around. If it’s not convenient, don’t worry. You can always drop a key in to Elaine in the morning and let her get on with it.’

  Feeling as though she was being dragged back into a nightmare, Alex said, ‘I – I wasn’t expecting it to happen this fast.’

  Gabby’s laugh was awkward. ‘No, me neither,’ she confessed. ‘I only contacted Elaine on Monday, so it was a bit of a shock when she rang earlier. I thought it was going to be about taking photos and measurements and stuff, but apparently this guy’s been looking for somewhere in the area for ages, and he reckons the Vicarage and cottage are going to suit him perfectly. Once he’s fixed them up, obviously.’

  Was Gabby really not getting what this was going to mean for her, or was she just trying to avoid the guilt? It had to be the latter, because self-absorbed as Gabby was, she was neither stupid nor completely insensitive. ‘What sort of price are you looking for?’ Alex asked, and immediately wished she hadn’t. It was only going to make her feel worse to know how much she’d have been entitled to, if their mother had decided to leave the house to both of them.

  ‘Well, Elaine reckons we could probably get somewhere around four hundred thousand, but that sounds a bit over the top to me.’

  Not missing the catch of excitement in her voice, Alex said, ‘I should think it’s worth about that. It’s got lovely views, remember, and great access to the village. Have you spoken to Millie’s niece about it? She’ll be glad to know there might be a
buyer for the cottage at last – though obviously whatever it makes will have to go towards Millie’s care.’

  ‘Actually I was on the phone to her for about an hour earlier,’ Gabby admitted. ‘She’s dead keen to go ahead with the sale if this guy does come through, so at least that won’t be a problem. She said she’d emailed you earlier about moving Millie. I think it’ll be so much better for the old duck to be close to her family, don’t you?’

  You mean the family that hardly ever comes to see her, and who’ve no doubt found a far less expensive home in the north to try and make sure there’s some money left for them when Millie finally croaks? She didn’t voice her thoughts because they were horribly cynical, in spite of probably being true. What she said instead was, ‘Actually, I think it’ll be quite disruptive for Millie, because she’s used to where she is now. She knows the staff and she always knows me when I go to see her. I wouldn’t tell her niece this, but she never asks about any of her family. I think she’s forgotten them.’

  ‘You’re probably right on both counts,’ Gabby sighed, ‘but I could hardly tell her I thought it was a bad decision, could I? After all, Millie’s her aunt, not ours, so it’s up to her what she does with her. I did think it was a bit bad not even consulting you, though, when you’ve always been quite close to the old dear in your way. I expect you’ll miss her when she’s gone, won’t you?’

  More than you can imagine, Alex was thinking as tears blurred her eyes. Right now she simply couldn’t bear the idea of Millie going anywhere, but maybe she was being selfish, trying to hold on to something, someone, from her past who’d always seemed to care when Alex had felt that no one else did. ‘So what shall we do about Elaine?’ she asked, pushing past her emotions. ‘Will you call to let her know I’ll post a key through in the morning, or shall I?’

  ‘I’ll send her a text,’ Gabby replied. ‘I think she’s quite excited about this, because the market’s been a bit slow lately, she said. Actually, why don’t you ask her if she’s got anything on the books that might work for you and Jason? I’ll bet she has.’

  Realising that to tell her about Jason now was going to end up making them both feel terrible, Alex simply said, ‘I’m not sure about being able to afford anywhere around here.’

  ‘Well, you never know, it could still be worth asking. Maybe one of the houses on the new estate over by the ice cream factory is up for sale. They always look so cute, I think.’

  With a smile, Alex replied, ‘I’m not sure you’re really clued in to what properties cost these days, but I’ll bear it in mind. How are the twins? I guess they’re already in bed.’

  ‘Finally. It took me ages to get them down tonight and Martin doesn’t help, with pillow fights and tugs of war just when they’re supposed to be going to sleep. You’d think, as a doctor, he’d know better, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘It seems ages since I saw them,’ Alex said sadly. ‘Maybe I could come down on Sunday. I’ll be happy to babysit if you and Martin feel like going out for lunch somewhere.’

  ‘You are such an angel, and we’ll definitely take you up on it another weekend. Unfortunately this Sunday we’re going to one of his partners for lunch. Otherwise I know the kids would be mad keen to see you. I’ll send them your love though.’

  ‘Yes, please do.’ Her breath caught on a rising sob. ‘Actually, I should go now, someone’s trying to get through. Call as soon as you know if you can come on Saturday and I’ll make sure your room is ready.’

  ‘Oh God, that’s what makes me so worried about coming, I don’t know if I could bear it. Anyway, you’d best find out who’s ringing. Love to Jason, and to you, obviously.’

  As the line went dead Alex braced herself and clicked on again. Please let it be Jason, please, please.

  ‘Hi, you’re there,’ Jason said brightly. ‘Who’ve you been chatting to?’

  Alex’s heart contracted. So natural and airy. Had he forgotten he’d left her?

  ‘Sorry, none of my business,’ he said. ‘Habit, I guess. Anyway, how are you?’

  ‘I’m fine thanks,’ she replied, somehow managing to sound it when it was hard to imagine feeling any worse. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m good. Got a couple of new jobs this week, although one of them’s for my parents, so I guess that doesn’t count too much, because I’ll have to do it at cost. Still, it’s better than giving quotes that no one ever gets back to me on.’

  ‘Of course,’ she mumbled.

  ‘So, what’s new in your world?’

  Oh now let me think about that – Gabby’s selling the house and might already have found a buyer; Millie’s being transported off to a care home in the north where she knows no one and will be too far away for me to visit; a little girl who thought she was being adopted now isn’t and because I spoke my mind to her foster carer I’ve been hauled over the coals by Wendy. Then there’s another little girl who breaks my heart just to look at her and has the world’s weirdest mother and I swear an abusive father, but how am I going to prove it? Oh yes, and you left me, so I’m actually in pieces but pretending really hard not to be. Is that enough to be going on with? What she said was, ‘Oh, nothing much. I was talking to Gabby when you rang, she asked me to send her love.’

  With an uneasy laugh he said, ‘That’s good of her when I don’t suppose I’m her favourite person right now.’

  ‘She doesn’t know we’ve broken up, but I’ll probably tell her this weekend. If you prefer I’ll leave it until after the show, so you don’t have to feel awkward when you see her.’ Why should she care? As far as she was concerned he could feel as awkward as a pork chop in a synagogue and it still wouldn’t be awkward enough. ‘Anyway, I can’t imagine you just called up for a chat,’ she went on breezily, ‘so what can I do for you?’

  He took a breath. ‘Actually, I just kind of wanted to know how you are.’

  Bristling, she said, ‘Please don’t feel sorry for me, Jason, there’s no need, because I’m absolutely fine. I hope everything’s working out for you too.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, it’s cool,’ he replied a little too quickly. ‘The kids are behaving themselves a bit better now. I think they like me being here.’

  He was evidently calling from home, so where was Gina? Out with her mates, or off on a date with another bloke already?

  ‘Actually, I ought to come and pick up the rest of my stuff at some point,’ he said, trying to make it sound like a pop in for a drink.

  At last the real reason he was calling, and wishing she could make herself just hang up, she said, ‘Yeah, you probably should. Would you like me to pack for you?’ Why the hell had she offered to do that, what was wrong with her? Since when had she decided to remodel herself as a doormat?

  ‘It’s OK, I can do it,’ he assured her, ‘but thanks. I was hoping Sunday might work if it’s convenient for you.’

  ‘Actually, I’m sorry but it’s not,’ she lied. ‘I’m going out on Sunday.’ She’d find somewhere to go. Another visit to her dead family’s grave? Hopefully Millie would still be around. Of course she would, nothing with the NHS moved that fast.

  ‘Maybe it’ll be easier if you’re not there,’ he suggested. ‘I’ll just take my clothes and computer and stuff and leave the key when I go. Would that be OK?’

  ‘That’s fine,’ she retorted. Had she sounded bitter? Did it matter if she had? ‘It would be best if you didn’t come after twelve, or before five,’ she ran on. ‘I’ve got some friends coming over for lunch.’ Eat your heart out that you won’t be here too – and wonder who they are, because one of them might be another man. Then she remembered she’d just told him she was going out.

  ‘Oh right, that’s cool,’ he said hesitantly. ‘I don’t want to interrupt anything. Whatever suits you.’

  And now Alex, you have to get to the end of this call without making an even bigger fool of yourself than you’ve already managed. ‘I’ll see you on Saturday then, for the show,’ she said.

  ‘Ah, yes, there’s a bit
of a problem with that, I’m afraid. Don’t worry, I’m not letting you down, it’s just that I can’t make it myself, but Cliff is definitely going to be there. And he’s way more experienced at it all than I am, so everything’ll probably turn out to be ten times better than when I’m there.’

  Is that what you think? Is that what you really think? Why was she still holding the phone? Why didn’t she just say what she actually thought and hang up? Did she even know what she thought? ‘Before you go,’ she said, ‘did you ring me earlier? It’s just that someone did but I didn’t get to the phone in time.’

  ‘No, this is the first time I’ve rung tonight. Why? Oh God, please don’t tell me that scumbag from the estate is still bothering you?’

  Shane Prince hadn’t even crossed her mind – until now. ‘His sister’s not in my caseload any more,’ she told him, as if it were an answer when actually it wasn’t. Maybe it had been Shane. Maybe he was also responsible for the two or three calls she’d found on the answering machine when she’d got home, where whoever it was had rung off without leaving a message. It was too late now to dial 1471, because all she’d get was Jason’s number since he’d been the last one to call.

  ‘I should go,’ she said. ‘If you could text to let me know when you’re coming on Sunday that would be great,’ and before he could say goodbye, or anything else, she quickly cut the call and pressed her hands to her face.

  She didn’t want to cry, she really, really didn’t, but she was suddenly so overwhelmed by a childish, primal sort of need to let go that there was no way she could make herself stop.

  It’s just loneliness, Alex, she told herself sharply, as if that was going to help in some way. Loneliness and never feeling she was doing enough for the pathetic, vulnerable kids with whom she spent so much of her time.

  There was such a cacophony going on in the office that Alex could barely hear herself think, never mind make out what Scott Danes, the Northumbrian police officer, was trying to tell her down the phone. In the end, asking him to hang on, she grabbed her notebook and pen and dived into Tommy’s office, closing the door behind her.