by Susan Lewis
As she rang off Alex turned to her mother who was coming into the kitchen, all bleary eyes and tousled hair, and felt an unexpected stirring of pleasure, even affection, before her defences quickly sprang up again. ‘You’re looking rather gorgeous today,’ she quipped, impressing herself with how relaxed and familiar she could sound when inside she was a bundle of confusions.
With a splutter of surprised laughter, Anna said, ‘I’ve got to get myself on to English time or I won’t know whether I’m coming or going. Did I interrupt your call, I’m sorry.’
‘No, don’t be. It was Ottilie’s health visitor. Apparently Ottilie seems fine this morning, in so far as Ottilie’s ever fine.’
Anna sighed. ‘Well thank goodness for that,’ she declared, going to take the milk from the fridge as Alex poured two coffees. ‘I’ve been awake half the night worrying about her. She really didn’t want to go home, did she?’
As Alex shook her head she was picturing Ottilie’s heartbreak, and feeling wretched about it all over again. ‘I’m not proud of the way I got her to stop crying,’ she said, ‘but if I’d taken her back in that state, chances were her father would have tried to get me thrown off her case. As it stands I think he only tolerates me because he feels, better the devil you know – and because he thinks he can manipulate or intimidate me, which he’s quickly finding out he can’t.’
‘He sounds absolutely dreadful,’ Anna commented, taking her coffee to the table. ‘It upsets me to think of any child being with someone who doesn’t completely adore them, and having met her ...’ She shook her head in bewilderment.
Alex sighed. ‘I guess we have to believe that he does care for her, and remember that there are plenty of kids a whole lot worse off than she is. At least she’s fed, clothed, washed, has plenty of toys and a TV in her room – and is taken to nursery now ... Actually, when I put it like that she hardly sounds deprived at all.’
Looking as unconvinced as Alex clearly felt, Anna took a sip of her coffee and said, ‘So what’s on the agenda today? Do you have to go out again?’
‘Not until five when I’m due to see Gemma Knight. Her mother died quite recently, but after a bit of a tricky start with her carers she’s starting to settle in. At least, I’m told she is, I’ll know for certain when I’ve seen her for myself.’
Anna’s expression was both tender and admiring. ‘I keep thinking about you and all your children,’ she said, ‘and I know this might sound silly, or ... Well, I was wondering if, in a way, you’re lavishing all the love and attention on them that I ... that you missed out on as a child. I mean, from me.’
Alex swallowed dryly. Though she’d occasionally wondered the same thing, it made her uncomfortable to hear it put into words, especially from her mother.
‘I’m sorry,’ Anna said, apparently realising she’d gone too far.
‘No, don’t be,’ Alex replied. ‘It’s just ... Well, I expect you’re right, but ...’ She shrugged, not knowing what else to say.
‘Too deep for now?’ Anna suggested.
Alex’s eyes went briefly to hers. ‘Maybe,’ she admitted.
Anna took another sip of her coffee. Then injecting some brightness into a change of subject, she said, ‘I was thinking that, if you did have some time to spare today, we could keep things nice and relaxed and perhaps just go down to the pub for lunch, have a walk around the village, carry on chatting ...?’
Alex smiled. ‘Sounds good,’ she replied, meaning it. ‘And maybe we should have another go at downloading Skype, after the mess we made of it last night.’
Anna laughed as she pulled a face. ‘We definitely didn’t do well with it, did we, and I ought to be ready for Bob’s call tonight, or I’ll never hear the end of it.’
It was bang on seven that evening when the warbling ringtone coming from Alex’s computer warned them that Bob was on the line.
‘Are you ready?’ Anna asked anxiously, her hand poised over the mouse. She and Alex were side by side at the kitchen table with Alex’s laptop open in front of them.
‘As I’ll ever be,’ Alex replied, feeling uncomfortably like someone who’d received a late invitation to a party where she wasn’t even sure she was going to be welcome.
‘You’ll love each other,’ Anna assured her, as though she’d picked up on Alex’s nerves, and with a quick click she made the connection. ‘Hi darling,’ she said as her husband’s face appeared on the screen. ‘Here we are, and we’re feeling very clever for managing to set this up.’
In spite of the slightly distorted image in front of her, the first thing Alex noticed about Bob Reeves was how handsome he was, in a sixty-something sort of way. His hair was thick and silvery and as casual as the open neck of his navy shirt, and his smile seemed embedded in every line of his face. ‘Hi Bob,’ she said, sounding far more relaxed than she felt, ‘it’s lovely to meet you.’
He was shaking his head in what looked like amazement. ‘I knew from Facebook that you were like your mother,’ he declared, ‘but seeing the two of you together ... It’s kind of strange, but lovely to see ... You look just like she did when I first met her.’
‘Only more gorgeous,’ Anna piped up happily.
He raised an ironic eyebrow. ‘Oh, now I’m not falling into that one,’ he told her. Then to Alex, ‘So how are you, Charlotte? And by the way, it’s really good to meet you too.’
As Anna made to correct him, Alex put a hand on her arm. ‘It’s OK,’ she whispered.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked. ‘Don’t tell me I’ve put my foot in it already. What did I do?’
‘You called me Charlotte,’ Alex told him, ‘but it’s fine, honestly.’
He banged a hand against his head. ‘Sorry about that. I guess it’s just how we’ve always thought of you ...’
‘Of course, and honestly I don’t mind, after all I suppose it’s who I am, really.’
Anna turned to look at her, but said nothing, and nor did Alex, though Alex was sure she felt some sort of current passing between them.
Bob was saying, ‘I guess you girls have had a long chat by now, so sorry if I’m telling you things you already know, Char—Alex, but your mother has wanted this for so many years. We both have, and I’m hoping it won’t be long now before I’ll be seeing you in person. I’d have come this time, but I reckoned meeting you for the first time was something Anna needed to do on her own. I miss her, though. It’s not the same here without you, my darling.’
‘Oh, like you’ve had time to miss me,’ Anna scoffed playfully. ‘I know you, Bob Reeves, you’ll have been out on that dive boat every morning, or whipping up some new property deal, or driving into town to drill a few teeth.’
Since Anna had already told her that he was a semi-retired dentist and full-time property developer with a typical Kiwi’s passion for boats, wine and rugby, Alex commented, ‘Sounds like you’ve got a very busy life.’
‘I find it’s the best way of staying out of trouble,’ he quipped. ‘But I’ve got to say, what you do for a living outshines us all.’
Before Alex could respond Anna was saying, ‘We shouldn’t really talk about it too much, it’s very confidential ...’
‘It’s OK,’ Alex assured her.
Anna glanced at her, needing to be certain, before she said to Bob, ‘We had the dearest, sweetest little girl here last night. Her name’s Ottilie, as in the jazz singer, Ottilie Patterson. She was so upset when she had to leave that we got upset too, and we’ve been worrying about her ever since. She’s only three and there’s a chance something bad is happening to her at home.’
Bob’s face showed his concern. ‘Do I need to ask what sort of something?’ he asked darkly.
‘We’re not sure yet,’ Alex replied. ‘If we were, and it was what you’re thinking, believe me she wouldn’t be there any more.’
‘Alex is seeing her again tomorrow,’ Anna continued. ‘Dear little mite is clearly very attached to her. I expect you get that a lot in your job, don’t you?’ she said to
Alex.
‘From time to time,’ Alex admitted. ‘But now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to hear all about you,’ she said to Bob. ‘I know you and Anna have been married for twenty years ...’
‘We’ve just had an anniversary,’ he came in chirpily, ‘but it was a kind of low-key affair, because we’re saving the big stuff for my sixtieth next month. Do you think there’s a chance you might make it over for the party?’
Thrown by the suddenness of it, Alex found herself uttering the first words that came to mind. ‘I’d love to,’ she was saying, ‘but I’m afraid I know already that I won’t be able to take the time off at such short notice.’ Or be able to afford it, she didn’t add. ‘It’s lovely of you to invite me, though,’ she said quickly.
‘Of course you’re invited,’ he cried in surprise. ‘I know you might not be used to the idea yet, but you’re family, and we’re all dying to meet you. In fact the whole clan wanted to be in on this call today, just to say hi and welcome and to let you know how thrilled we all are for Anna, but I thought it might be a bit overwhelming this first time out with us all coming at you at once. I’m not sure I’ll be able to fight them off for the next one, though.’
Because she had to, Alex said, ‘I’d love to see them and say hello.’ And actually she would, she realised, especially with her mother sitting here, rather than there.
‘I went online today to try and find the video you made,’ Anna told him, ‘but it doesn’t seem to be there.’
‘Ah, that’s because I took it down,’ he replied. ‘I’ve shot some new stuff I want to edit in, and I’ve dug out some old footage too, so it should be up again by this time tomorrow.’
‘And there was me thinking you’d already captured every last inch of where we live, how we live and who we all are,’ Anna teased. ‘If you shoot any more she won’t need to come, she’ll be able to go online for the whole Kiwi experience.’
‘Oh, now I know I’m good,’ he responded drily, ‘but I don’t think I’m that good, and showing her a lobster I just caught for breakfast isn’t going to be the same as tasting it fresh off the barbie, is it? And watching me squeeze a fresh lime from one of our trees isn’t going to be anywhere near as much fun as picking it and doing it herself.’
Anna seemed to tense. ‘Sorry if he’s being a bit over the top,’ she whispered to Alex.
‘It’s fine,’ Alex assured her.
‘What have I done now?’ he demanded, coming towards the camera in a comical way.
‘Nothing,’ Anna laughed. ‘So what extra material have you put into the video?’
‘You’ll have to wait and see and then tell me if you spot it.’
Anna groaned. ‘I’m bound to get it wrong,’ she told Alex.
‘She will,’ Bob confirmed. ‘So what time is it with you girls?’
Alex checked the clock. ‘Quarter past seven in the evening,’ she replied. ‘Which makes it what time with you?’
‘Quarter past eight in the morning.’
‘Tomorrow,’ Anna added.
‘That’s right. Now, am I allowed to ask what you’ve been up to today?’
Anna glanced at Alex. ‘Actually, we’ve had a lovely lazy day, just the two of us,’ she told him. ‘We got off to a late start, mainly thanks to my jet lag, then we went to the local pub for lunch. It’s so not like in my day when pubs were full of smokers and dartboards and beery old men – the food at the Mulgrove is fantastic and they serve some seriously decent wines.’
‘Any from our neck of the woods?’
‘’Fraid not, the only New Zealand one they had was from the South Island, but it was pretty good.’
‘Then we’ll look forward to introducing you to our home brews,’ he said to Alex, ‘and I guess you realise I’m not talking about beer. So what did you do after getting tipsy over lunch?’
Alex and Anna laughed at the same time and in a very similar way. ‘We just strolled around the village,’ Anna replied. ‘Charlotte – Alex – showed me where she fell over when she was six and cut open her head. All pretty grisly with lots of blood, she assures me. Then we went to the village hall where she danced in a German folk festival aged nine, and organised a Santa’s grotto aged fourteen. It’s also where she now puts on her plays, the ones we’ve seen on Facebook.’
‘I don’t write them,’ Alex was quick to point out. ‘I just help produce and direct them.’
‘I reckon you could give us some advice on our own efforts when you’re down this way,’ Bob told her. ‘I guess we’ve kind of got the Santa’s parades coined, though ... Have you told her about them?’ he asked Anna.
‘No, but I will.’
‘They’re something special,’ Bob asserted. ‘Well, you’ll see for yourself if we can persuade you to come for Christmas. I hope Anna told you that when you do come the ticket’s on me ...’
‘Yes, but honestly, I couldn’t ...’
‘Oh yes you can, and no arguing, as Anna knows it’ll be a waste of time because I always win.’
‘Actually, he never does,’ Anna told her, ‘but over this I probably won’t put up too much resistance.’
Unable not to be moved by how wanted and welcome they were making her feel, Alex said, ‘I think I should leave you two to catch up in private now. It’s been great talking to you, Bob.’
‘It’s been an absolute pleasure for me,’ he told her warmly. ‘Seeing your mother this happy ... Well, it does my heart good, I can tell you. She’s always had us, of course, and we love her very much, but it’s not like having someone of her own. You belong together now, you guys. Too many years have already gone by with you being apart.’
Swallowing the emotion tightening her throat, Alex replied, ‘After everything she went through, it’s wonderful to know that she ended up finding someone like you.’
‘I only wish you could have been with us all this time,’ he said frankly. ‘You should have been, but I guess that’s for another day. You take care of yourself now, and maybe we can talk again soon.’
As she started to say goodbye Alex felt the words faltering, so quickly covering her failure with a smile, she left her mother in front of the computer and ran upstairs to her room.
She knew she was being stupid, that she had so much to be thankful for, and even to look forward to now, but she was suddenly feeling so horribly lonely that the misery of it was coming over her in wave after wave of debilitating sadness. In no time at all her mother would be gone again, returned to a world that seemed so full of colour and happiness, love and togetherness, that her own small, drab existence was almost shaming by comparison. Worst of all, and she really hated admitting it, was the fact that her mother didn’t actually feel like her mother, though she had no clear idea of how that was supposed to feel.
It’s going to take time, she reminded herself as she tore a handful of tissues from a box on the chest. It can’t just happen overnight, much as you might like it to. And she’s lovely. Really kind and friendly, so interested in everything you do, and you only have to recall how welcoming Bob was with you just now to be sure that they really do want you in their lives.
It wasn’t that she thought they didn’t, the problem was ... What was the problem? Fear that it might all suddenly disappear, or turn into some kind of nightmare? She guessed that was it, but why would it? There was no logical reason for her to be feeling this way, so she must try to let it go and remind herself that sometimes things did work out. And she’d love to visit New Zealand, it sounded so idyllic – catching lobsters for breakfast, sailing round the islands, taking part in the Santa parade ... and inspiring in ways she hadn’t even known existed. But then how was it going to feel returning to a shabby bedsit in a part of Kesterly she detested, in the middle of winter and with few friends to speak of? No family either, apart from Gabby and Aunt Sheila whom she loved, but they were hardly around the corner, and weren’t really any more involved in her life than she was in theirs.
It seemed different with her mother’s famil
y. They sounded so close, so much a part of each other’s day-today existence. Her mother might not be a blood relative of theirs, but they’d clearly taken her into their hearts just as her mother had taken them. It was where Anna belonged, far, far more than she belonged here. She hardly sounded English any more, and though she seemed thrilled to have found her daughter, she must be longing to get home to Bob, who’d already said he was missing her – and her step-grandchildren, who made her eyes shine every time she mentioned them.
Quickly blowing her nose as her mother knocked on the door, Alex fought back her pathetic insecurities and called for her to come in. ‘He’s so lovely,’ she said, smiling as the door opened. ‘And very handsome.’
Her mother stood looking at her, taking in the teary eyes, crumpled tissues and nasal voice. Then, opening her arms, she said, ‘Come on, come to me, my love, and tell me all about it.’
Alex and Anna were still sitting on the bed with their backs up against the head rail, neither of them crying now, though both had shed plenty of tears during the past couple of hours. They’d been talking mainly about how overwhelmed Alex was feeling, and Anna too in her way. They’d agreed that they were probably expecting too much of each other at such an early stage, and that they were both so afraid of what the future might hold that they could scarcely even bring themselves to mention it.
‘I don’t suppose it’s any secret,’ Anna had said, ‘that Bob and I are hoping you’ll consider coming to join us in New Zealand one of these days, I mean for good, but I understand that you have your life here, and why should you give it up just because it’s what I want?’
Feeling forced to admit that in truth she didn’t actually have much of a life to give up, Alex had suddenly found everything spilling forth, first about Jason, and how upset she still was by their break-up, then how big a failure she felt for not having a best friend. Next had come the confession about needing to find somewhere else to live, and because rents were so high and she had such a small amount of savings she was dreading where she’d end up. ‘And I’m not even sure my job is safe,’ she’d woefully concluded. ‘So actually, the prospect of starting again in New Zealand is more appealing than you might think.’
