by Susan Lewis
Anna smiled tenderly. ‘Well, obviously I wish you weren’t going through such a difficult time,’ she said gently, ‘but maybe we could think of it this way, that life is gradually closing doors for you here in order to make you ready for a new beginning?’
Though the thought was tempting, even pleasing, Alex felt oddly panicked by it too.
‘Obviously I’m not saying you should come straight away,’ Anna assured her, ‘but why don’t you take Bob up on his offer and fly over for Christmas? That way you can start to get a feel for the place and decide whether or not you think it’ll suit you.’
Alex swallowed dryly. ‘I’d have to pay for myself ...’
‘No, my darling, you wouldn’t have to pay for yourself. Bob can more than afford it and he wants to give you this gift. Please don’t deprive him of it, especially when you’re going to need every penny of your own money for your new flat.’
Alex’s eyes went down.
‘Actually, I can help there,’ Anna went on, tilting Alex’s chin up again. ‘For a long time now I’ve been putting money aside for you, mainly in case something happened to me. I wanted to be able to leave you something, even if we never met. But what’s the point in making you wait when you clearly need some assistance now ...’
‘No, no, I can’t ...’
‘Yes you can. If it turns out that you want to stay living here in England then there should be enough to get you started without having to take out too big a mortgage – depending on the type of place you’re looking for, obviously. For the time being though, we can use some of it to put down a deposit on a nice flat for you to rent. In fact, if Gabby’s already done a deal on this house, I think it might be a good idea for us to start looking tomorrow.’
Feeling ashamed of how suspicious she and Gabby had been of Anna’s motives for being in touch at a time when she might have thought Alex was about to come into some money, Alex ended up confessing to her mistrust. ‘And now here you are, like my fairy godmother, making everything possible in ways I’d never even imagined. I hardly know what to say, apart from thank you, of course, which seems pretty meagre for such huge generosity – and obviously I’ll find a way of repaying you.’
‘Then you’ll be repaying yourself, which is fine, if that’s what you want to do. All that’s important to me is that I take care of you in a way I haven’t been able to up till now, hopefully without being too interfering.’
Alex smiled. ‘I can’t imagine you ever being that.’
Anna laughed and rolled her eyes. ‘Best not to get Bob started on that,’ she quipped. ‘Anyway, I have to tell you if I’d known what a difficult time you were having in your teens I swear I’d have risked Gavril’s threats and come to find you then. The only reason I didn’t was because it didn’t seem fair to tear you away from the people you loved, and who loved you.’
Alex’s eyes drifted. ‘Yes, I think they did love me, in their way,’ she commented, almost to herself.
‘Oh, I’m sure they did, and we’ve a lot to be grateful to them for, because we know how much worse your upbringing could have been.’
Alex nodded. ‘I’m definitely a whole lot better off than most of the children I come across, that’s for sure.’
Anna cast her a glance. ‘Are you thinking of Ottilie?’ she said quietly.
‘And others, but yes, of Ottilie. You’ve seen her, you’ve felt for her too, so you understand, don’t you, that no matter what, I can’t just up and leave? At the moment, I couldn’t even do it for a couple of weeks.’
‘Of course not,’ Anna replied. ‘But Christmas isn’t here yet – and dare I say, she’s not yours, Alex, so one day, when you’ve got her sorted out ...’
‘She’s three years old, and if she is suffering in the way I fear, then the damage has already been done. So what would you have me do, leave her for someone else to cope with; and then someone else, and then someone else again? She has no other family, so that’s what her life will be like if she goes into care. At least if I’m here, seeing her regularly, giving her some small sense of stability, of self-worth even, she’ll have someone to make her feel special.’
Anna’s eyes were dark with concern as she regarded her. ‘No, my darling, I wouldn’t have you do that,’ she said earnestly. ‘I’m simply saying that you have a life too, so please don’t forget it.’
Chapter Twenty-One
OVER THE FOLLOWING days, as they came to know one another better and discovered some amusing similarities in their ways and tastes as well as their looks, Alex could feel her trust building in Anna, and perhaps in herself too. She really didn’t have anything to be fearful of, she kept telling herself. Anna clearly hadn’t come with any intention other than to create a bond between them, and it didn’t seem likely that she was simply going to forget her as soon as she returned to New Zealand. Nor did she, Alex, have to make any decisions right now about what she was going to do in the future.
The only real friction between them, if it could even be termed that, was caused by Alex’s concern for Ottilie. If they’d had the same sort of confidence in their relationship as other mothers and daughters, there were occasions when they might actually have come to blows over it. As it was, Anna tried hard not to be too critical of how attached Alex clearly was to the child, but still regularly managed to point out that she was in danger of letting Ottilie take over her life.
‘You can’t just come here and tell me how to do my job,’ Alex snapped one evening after she’d arrived home from dropping Ottilie off when she’d had another irritating and fruitless exchange with Erica Wade. ‘I’ve been in this sort of situation plenty of times before, so please stop worrying.’
‘I can’t help it. I can see how much she means to you, and I don’t want you to end up being hurt,’ Anna told her.
Before she could stop herself, Alex cried, ‘You might have thought of that twenty-five years ago.’
Anna flushed, and seeing the anguish in her eyes Alex immediately regretted the attack.
‘I can take care of myself,’ she mumbled. ‘Now can we please leave it?’
Anna had accepted this, mainly because she didn’t want to provoke a serious falling out. From then on, however, she decided to start joining Alex and Ottilie as often as she could to see for herself just how close they were becoming. Though she remained concerned, and she and Alex continued to exchange words over it, Anna did find herself becoming a little more understanding. It would be the most difficult thing in the world to work with vulnerable children and not be affected by them, she’d always realised that, and now she was beginning to understand that in Ottilie’s case it was downright impossible. She was so sweet and compliant, and clearly so happy just to be with Alex, that Anna simply couldn’t begrudge her the pleasure and security of that when she was apparently so lonely at home, and possibly a lot worse.
Fortunately there had been no recurrence of the terrible state Ottilie had got herself into the night she’d stowed away in Alex’s car. She seemed to understand now that it would make it difficult for Alex to take her out again if she was crying when Alex returned her to the house. Nevertheless, there were always tears before they parted, and the awful bleakness in her eyes as Alex kissed her goodbye tore almost as painfully at Anna’s heart as it did at Alex’s.
On a day when Alex had no other commitments, she and Anna decided to go and visit Helen Drake. However, when Anna rang to make the arrangements the old lady asked them not to come.
‘I’m glad you’ve found each other again,’ she said on the phone, ‘and I wish you well, but if you don’t mind I’d prefer to leave things as they are.’
Stung, but not prepared to insist, Anna asked Alex to accompany her to the cemetery at Temple Fields where four members of her family were buried. When Alex told her about the times she’d been before, and the flowers that occasionally turned up on the grave, Anna went into the church to make a generous donation. It was her only way of saying thank you to the kind stranger. Afterwards they ma
de a trip to Exmoor, where Alex’s father was interred along with his parents. In spite of the cold and drizzling rain, they sat on a bench gazing out over the misted wilderness, talking about him and trying to feel his presence, both feeling certain they could.
Later, in the cosy warmth of a pub with a log fire burning in an old stone hearth, Anna continued telling Alex everything she could remember about Nigel, from how they’d met – at a small art gallery in Kesterly – to how instant and powerful their connection had been, to how overwhelmed with joy and pride he had been when she’d first put Alex – Charlotte – into his arms. Alex’s emotions were in turmoil as she listened, full of regret and longing on the one hand, wishing she herself had more memories of her father, while horrified on the other to think of his last moments. No one should ever have to die that way, and knowing it had happened because of her made it feel so much worse.
The following morning, after nursery, they took Ottilie on a woodland walk through the arboretum a few miles out of town, where there were climbing frames and an obstacle course for children to play on. Alex had assumed Ottilie wouldn’t want to swing in one of the tyres, having had a fall from one once, but to her surprise she was more than ready to try again. She loved it, and the sound of her laughter was as uplifting as it was infectious.
What wasn’t at all enjoyable, however, was finding Ottilie’s sweet little face watching them from an upstairs window as they drove away from the house on North Hill. She looked so lonely and sad that even Anna felt as though she was abandoning her.
The next day Gabby and Aunt Sheila came up to the Vicarage for a visit, and just as Alex had hoped, within minutes of meeting Anna their concerns that she might not be who she was claiming to be, or that she had some sinister motive for being there, were put to rest. Gabby, being Gabby, spent most of the time chattering on about her own childhood, seeming to forget that Anna might be more interested to hear about Alex’s. On the other hand, Sheila appeared genuinely keen to hear about Anna’s family in New Zealand, and how different life was down there. Anna was happy to entertain her with stories that made her chuckle and shake her head in amazement.
No one mentioned the terrible circumstances that had brought Alex into the Lake family all those years ago, nor did they talk much about Myra and Douglas. Alex only realised that when Gabby and Sheila were leaving, and Gabby pointed it out.
‘I’m not sure whether to feel guilty about it or not,’ she said, gazing worriedly into Alex’s eyes.
Since she wasn’t quite sure how to answer that, Alex simply hugged her.
‘She’s very nice,’ Gabby whispered. ‘I mean Anna. Though I have to admit it makes me feel a bit weird to think that you’ve got a mum now and I haven’t.’
Still not fully able to think of Anna that way, though unwilling to say so, Alex told her, ‘We’re still family, us two, and that’s never going to change.’
Gabby smiled. ‘You said that before and I hope it’s true, but I’m already scared she’s going to take you away.’
Hearing their aunt coming down the hall, Alex said, ‘We don’t need to talk about this now. I’ll come and see you next week and we can have a nice long chat then.’
Seeming happy with that, Gabby embraced her hard, and hugged Anna too before helping Sheila into the car and waving out of the driver’s window all the way down the hill. As they disappeared from view Alex found herself feeling oddly lonely, as though they had left her for good, which was absurd, she knew, but it was hard to shake.
‘Are you OK?’ Anna asked as she returned to the kitchen.
Alex’s head came up, almost as though she’d been startled. ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she replied, managing a smile. ‘Are you?’
‘I think so. It seemed to go well, didn’t it?’
Alex nodded, because it had.
‘At least it took our minds off Ottilie for an hour,’ Anna sighed, starting to wash up.
Though Alex bristled, wanting to point out that Ottilie had no such easy escape from her lot, she couldn’t deny that it had been a relief to stop worrying about her for a while. ‘I wonder what she’s doing now,’ she said, reaching for a tea cloth.
Casting her a wary glance, Anna said, ‘It’s probably best not to torment yourself with it. You’ll see her tomorrow, and I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
Hoping so, Alex said, ‘You know, I keep remembering myself as a child trying to open a door and not able to reach the latch. She has a similar cupboard in her bedroom.’
Anna frowned. ‘Are you saying you think they keep her locked in?’ she asked worriedly.
Alex shook her head. ‘I don’t have any evidence of it ... No, I don’t think so, but what I’m pretty sure of is that it won’t be as simple as lifting up a latch to rescue her, the way it happened for me.’
‘Perhaps not in a literal sense,’ Anna replied, ‘but it could be said that you’re already rescuing her.’
Alex was casting her mind back to the time she’d been trapped, trying to find, among her few, shadowy memories, one of the rector coming to save her. There was nothing, but what did move briefly into the light was the image she occasionally saw of a woman running down the stairs with a child under her arm.
‘Are you absolutely sure it was the rector who found me?’ she asked her mother.
Apparently surprised by the question, Anna said, ‘It’s what he told me, and I’ve never had any reason to doubt it. Why?’
Alex shrugged. ‘It’s just that I have this dream sometimes, or flashback, I don’t know what it is exactly, of a woman carrying me down the stairs. She’s panicking, as if she’s trying to get away from someone ... I’ve always thought it was you, but I know you couldn’t come back then, so maybe it’s from a time before it all happened?’
Anna seemed baffled. ‘I don’t recall anything like that,’ she responded, shaking her head.
‘Maybe it’s something I saw on TV that’s stayed with me. You never know with these things how they’ll crop up again.’ Then quickly pushing the brooding aside, she said, ‘So how about going online to find out if Bob’s reposted his epic video yet?’
Laughing, Anna said, ‘For how long he’s taking to complete it, epic is probably the right word.’
In the end it wasn’t until the following day that Bob finally managed to upload his finished masterpiece, by which time Anna and Alex had returned home from Kesterly with crunchy baguettes and a wicked slice of cheesecake to share for lunch. It hadn’t been their intention to bring Ottilie with them – Alex never brought the children in her caseload home – however, when she’d taken her back to North Hill after nursery earlier she’d been unable to get an answer from inside the house.
‘Heaven only knows where the blasted woman is,’ she’d grumbled as she’d buckled Ottilie back into her seat (though secretly she couldn’t help feeling glad that Ottilie was able to spend more time with them; at least then she knew where she was and what was happening to her). ‘We can’t go anywhere in all this rain so we’ll have to take her to the Vicarage with us. I’ll bring her back later when I go to see Tawny Hopkins.’
Though their plan had been to sit and watch old Pooh and Paddington videos, at least until Ottilie fell asleep, when Anna announced that Bob’s email had arrived inviting them to a screening of the premiere of Te Puna the movie, as he put it, Alex found herself keen to watch that instead. If Ottilie got bored they could always turn it off and go back to it later, but as usual Ottilie seemed happy simply to be with them.
From the first shots of the opening sequence of ‘the movie’, featuring stunning aerial views of the Bay of Islands, Alex could feel herself being transported to what looked like paradise. The way the camera gently soared and dived around the turquoise-blue coves, seeming to skim the translucent coastal waters and ride the waterfalls, made her feel as if she were flying like a bird.
Then came a mix-through to some lively scenes of Keri Keri’s main street lined with towering palms and bustling cafés.
It was noth
ing like she’d imagined, but there again until lately she hadn’t imagined it at all.
As the music faded and the images changed to show sumptuous citrus orchards either side of a sun-drenched road, Bob began a voice-over. ‘Here we are making the drive out to our house, which is about eighteen k, or roughly eleven miles from town. Shelley is with me, my lovely daughter, and she’s doing the driving.’ As the camera panned to an open-faced, pleasant-looking woman, Ottilie said, ‘Shelley.’
‘That’s right,’ Anna laughed, smoothing a hand over her hair.
Alex was smiling too as Shelley turned to the lens. In a slightly husky voice she said, ‘Hi Charlotte. Welcome to New Zealand. I’m hoping to be doing this drive with you before very much longer. Hi, if you’re watching, Anna. We love you, and we’re all so happy for you.’
‘She’s so sweet,’ Anna murmured.
Alex couldn’t be sure whether she felt jealous of Shelley for having been a part of Anna’s life for so long, or moved by how genuinely warm Shelley seemed. She guessed it was probably a bit of both.
‘See here,’ Bob was saying as he panned to a lofty set of gates they were passing, ‘these belong to one of our wealthiest neighbours. You can’t see the house from here, but it’s an old Tuscan monastery that he had deconstructed, shipped over and rebuilt on his own private clifftop. It’s quite something, I can tell you.’
There was a mix-through then to the driveway of another house, followed by Bob saying, ‘Here we are at Te Puna, which is our home. It’s just around the bend here. Te Puna, by the way, is Maori for deep well. The waters we’re on are where the stingray and dolphin come to mate. Here we are now, this is the beautiful home that Anna has created for us.’
Alex’s eyes rounded as the most exquisite pale grey weatherboard house with wraparound verandas and white Georgian sash windows came into view – with a stunning backdrop of pure blue ocean.
