Silver Lining

by Wanda B. Campbell

  What she said made sense, but Leon needed more assurance. He’d waited and prayed too long for this moment. “And what are you going to be doing in the meantime?”

  Starla paused before answering, as if she were trying to conjure up the nerve. “I am going to visit my father’s widow. I am hoping to find some answers to why my father deserted me. I may even try to get some answers from my mother again.”

  Leon held her and kissed her face. “Star, I am so proud of you for having the courage to move past your pain. I love you more for giving me another chance.” Starla rested once again against his chest. “Do you want me to go with you?” he offered.

  “Thank you, but I have to do this on my own, and if I don’t do it now, I will never move on.”

  “Star, I will always be here for you. You know you’re—”

  Starla helped him finish the sentence. “The star that lights my path.”

  “I don’t know why I still fall for that corny line.” Starla laughed.

  “Because you know it’s the truth.” Leon kissed her again.

  “Honey.” Starla was serious again. “I need you tonight. Can you stay here with me? All of this has left me vulnerable and I am scared.”

  Leon stood, and then lifted her from the couch. After carrying her upstairs to the bedroom, Leon ran Starla a hot bubble bath. Afterward, he gave her a massage, then held her until she fell asleep.

  Marlissa slowly climbed the stairs leading to the front door of the 6,000 square-foot home on Moraga Avenue. If she were still a resident of the flat, Marlissa would have used the garage door opener and parked inside the three-car garage, then entered through the gourmet kitchen. She would then grab a piece of fruit from the wire basket stationed on the mauve granite countertop. From there she would travel through a maze of polished hardwood floors, past a brass chandelier centered perfectly above a mahogany table that seated eight, earth-toned walls lined with original art crowned by vaulted ceilings, and a home office, which doubled as a library. Finally, passing through the double oak doors, she would end her journey on the king-sized cherry wood four poster bed centered perfectly in the master bedroom suite. Before indulging in the comfort of the down comforter, she would stop in her walk-in closet and return her shoes to the appropriate shelf. If she was in the mood, a hot spa treatment was at her disposal in the sunken Jacuzzi tub. Or, if in a hurry, the oversized shower worked just fine.

  That was then. Today, she was a guest, and like any guest would do, Marlissa pressed the doorbell and waited to be invited in.

  “Hold on, I’ll let you in the garage,” were the first words out of Kevin’s mouth when he saw her standing on his porch.

  “Okay.” Marlissa walked back to her car, suddenly nervous about being back at the place she once called home. Once she parked securely inside the garage, Kevin opened her door and assisted her.

  Marlissa gestured toward the black Mercedes S500. “When did you buy another car?”

  “About a year ago,” he answered nonchalantly. “I only drive it on special occasions.”

  “It’s nice.” Marlissa half smiled.

  Kevin sensed her uneasiness and invited her inside.

  Much to her delight, not much inside had changed. There were the obvious signs of the lack of a woman’s presence, like mail and magazines strewn around the kitchen countertop. In place of fruit, the wire bowl was loaded with packaged cookies and peanuts. However, the rest of the house was immaculate, at least the part she could see. But then Kevin was always neat.

  Kevin observed her mannerisms carefully. Marlissa was nervous about being in their home. She kept her arms folded and avoided eye contact. His defenses immediately shot up.

  “Are you afraid of being here with me?” Kevin’s tone was firmer than he meant for it to be.

  Marlissa discounted his hostility. “No, it’s just that it’s been so long since the last time I was here . . . I, well, I didn’t think . . . I really love . . .” Marlissa couldn’t form a complete thought or sentence. She gave up trying and surrendered to her emotions.

  Pleased that he wasn’t the cause of her anxiety, Kevin set aside his self-preservation shield and embraced her.

  “What I was trying to convey was that I miss our home,” Marlissa voiced once she settled down.

  “Look around, nothing has changed. A part of you is in every room of this house. If the walls could talk, they’d say ‘Welcome home.’” He smiled.

  “What about the owner? What would he say?”

  Her voice was so soft, Kevin barely heard her. He wished he hadn’t. Marlissa was moving too fast for him. Kevin couldn’t answer that before they had a chance to talk. “He’d say, ‘have a seat on the deck, the fireworks will start soon.’” He stepped away from her. “I’ll bring out some cider.”

  Marlissa forced a smile and obeyed. Midway through the living room her joy returned. Their wedding picture was still in its place, right above the fireplace. “He still cares,” she mumbled.

  Marlissa was audibly counting the lights outlining the Bay Bridge when Kevin joined her on the wooden bench, carrying a bottle of peach cider, one glass, and a blanket. A major selling point for them both had been the view from the backyard. The hill location offered unobstructed views of every major bridge in the Bay Area, Oakland and San Francisco skylines, plus the great Pacific Ocean. The couple had planned to make many memories out there underneath the star-studded sky, but never did.

  “This has been a long time coming,” he said when he stood beside her.

  Marlissa relieved him of the glass and cider, then waited for him to sit next to her. “You know what they say, better late than never.” He didn’t respond. “I guess you’re drinking from the bottle,” she said after he wrapped the blanket around them.

  “No, I’m drinking from here.” This time it was Marlissa who was rendered helpless by his kiss. “I owed you that one from the rock earlier.”

  “I like the way you pay up.” Marlissa used her hand to fan herself.

  Kevin leaned away from her. Now he was the one moving too fast. He handed her the glass then poured the cider. Marlissa had just offered him a sip when the kaleidoscope of color and what sounded like thunder began. She rested her head against his shoulder, and Kevin pulled the blanket tighter, bringing Marlissa even closer.

  The intimate venue almost proved to be too much for Kevin’s defenses. Not even halfway through the pyrotechnic show, he was totally consumed by her. The fragrance of her hair, the warmth of her body so close to his, and the kiss they shared earlier: it was perfect. Too perfect; he almost forgot the reason he wanted to talk to her in the first place. Reality came crashing down when Marlissa began massaging his partial limb.

  “It’s been a long day and your muscles must be tired.” Kevin knew her intentions were good, but right now he couldn’t receive her affections. He gently removed her hand and held it for the duration of the show.

  Long after the finale of the fireworks, they sat there drinking in the serenity along with the sounds of night, neither knowing what to say. Marlissa made the first move.

  “That was nice.” She stood and stretched. “Thanks for inviting me home.”

  Kevin wasn’t ready for her to leave, and he wasn’t ready to have the talk, either. He quickly searched his mind for any excuse to keep her around. “Want to watch a little of A Walk to Remember?”

  Marlissa looked at her watch. It was after ten o’clock and well past Kevin’s bedtime, considering he had to perform surgery in the morning. “Sure, you know that’s my favorite.”

  “Come on, we still have to talk.”

  Once again they cuddled underneath the blanket, this time in the sunken den, but they didn’t talk. Within minutes, they fell asleep.

  Marlissa awakened to find herself alone on the couch. Once her vision focused, she scanned the den for Kevin and called out his name. Next, she checked the kitchen and living room: nothing. Looking down at her watch, she realized it was after midnight. Kevin must have gone to
bed. Marlissa grabbed her purse then headed to the door to let herself out, but couldn’t remember the code to deactivate and reset the alarm. “Shoot,” she pouted. “Now I have to wake him up.”

  Marlissa started down the hall and around the corner. She slowly stepped inside her old bedroom just as Kevin hopped from the bathroom, wearing nothing but the steam from the shower and his crutch.

  “Oops.” Marlissa made sure she got an eyeful before covering her eyes. Lord, thank you for that vision! “I’m sorry. I . . . I assumed you were sleeping.” She peeked through her parted fingers and was treated to the sight of him walking away. Thank ya! I’m going to sleep good tonight. “I don’t know the code to the alarm. I wasn’t trying to . . . you know.”

  “It’s the same,” Kevin said upon returning, wearing black pajama shorts.

  “I didn’t know that.” Marlissa never considered that he’d still kept the day he proposed as the code. She still had her eyes covered, and this time Kevin didn’t disguise his agitation.

  “Marlissa, I didn’t plan for you to find me like this, but since you did, we can finally get everything out in the open like two adults.”

  Marlissa removed her hands and attempted to hold his gaze, but his enormous and well-developed upper body kept getting in the way. Lord, please let this blessing have my name on it. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Marlissa, since you’ve been back, you’ve been all over me. You say the right things and you do the right things. You constantly convey how much you love me, and that’s good, but you’re forgetting one important thing.” Kevin’s voice carried more stability than she thought he felt.

  Marlissa was puzzled. “What?”

  Kevin struggled to articulate the feelings he’d held in for way too long. “You’re disgusted by my body.”

  Marlissa giggled out loud. “Where did you get a stupid idea like that from?”

  “From you,” he answered dryly.

  Marlissa continued laughing. “If only you could read my mind right now. Whew!”

  “I don’t need to read your mind because the memories are still fresh.”

  It was then that she realized he was serious, and she stopped laughing. “Kevin, what memories are you talking about?”

  With the assistance of his crutch, Kevin walked over to the bed and sat down. He inhaled and exhaled several times, trying to maintain his courage. Finally, he just let it all out.

  “You haven’t been the same since seeing my body without the prosthesis on our wedding night. I traumatized you to the point that you started drinking.”

  Marlissa walked over and stood next to him. “Honey, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  It was embarrassing enough for him to talk about it, but Marlissa’s naiveté infuriated him. “Don’t protect my feelings by denying it happened!” He pounded his fist on the bed. “You took one look at me and ran away, screaming. When the manager brought you back, you were wasted, and stayed that way most of our marriage. You had to be drunk to make love to me the first time and the few uneventful times after that. You wouldn’t look at me. You covered your eyes just like you did a few minutes ago.”

  The pain etched on Kevin’s face was authentic, the quiver in his voice genuine. He believed what he was saying. His perception was his total reality of what had gone wrong with their marriage. Marlissa sat down next to him. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she spoke softly. “Do you really believe your disfigurement is the reason I started drinking? Do you honestly think I left you because of your body?”

  “It’s not a matter of thinking it, your actions proved it.” Marlissa looked away. “Marlissa,” he sighed. “Some things can’t be fixed. Maybe our marriage is one of those things. I can’t change my body.”

  Marlissa’s head fell along with her shoulders. Kevin knew she was crying, but he couldn’t console her now that his wounds were exposed. A part of him wanted her to confirm his feelings and leave. But the other part, the part that loved her, was terrified of the possibility.

  Marlissa stopped sniffling and held his hand. “Kevin, I love your body. I have always loved your body. Your body is beautiful to me just the way it is, every inch of it.” She kissed his fingers. “You have to believe me.”

  Taking his fingers back, Kevin was unmoved. “I want to, but the evidence proves differently.”

  Instead of retreating, she positioned herself on the bed with her back against the pillows alongside him. She wasn’t giving up.

  “Kevin, I know it’s late and you have surgery in the morning, but I need to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago. It may take awhile, but please, bear with me. I promise, it’ll explain a lot.”

  Both his heart and curiosity got the best of him. He rested his back against the headboard. “I’m listening.”

  Marlissa switched positions, then removed her shoes and sat Indian style with her hands folded. She kept her head bowed so long that Kevin asked if she was praying. She was.

  “As you know,” she finally began, using the cherry wood armoire as a focal point. “My grandmother raised me after my mother died. My grandmother was good to me; for the most part I didn’t lack anything and she instilled good morals and values in me. She was also very strict. My grandmother didn’t allow me to date or even talk to boys over the phone until I was fifteen. I couldn’t even walk to the store with a boy. One Sunday, a boy from the church she sent me to walked me home. I didn’t think he liked me beyond friendship, but it didn’t matter to Grandma. She didn’t send me to church after that.”

  Kevin folded his arms and wondered down what lane this story would take him.

  “I had my first real boyfriend at sixteen. His name was Darius. I was a sophomore, he was a senior. I felt special having an older boyfriend, considering I was totally inexperienced when it came to boys. I was so naive I didn’t know what was meant by ‘do you have any fries to go with that shake.’” Marlissa chuckled.

  “That’s pretty bad.” Kevin nodded.

  “Anyway,” she continued, still focusing on the armoire. “It was obvious that Darius had a lot more experience than I had. I just didn’t know how much experience. He was the varsity quarterback and on his way to Grambling State on a full scholarship. Since I had to hide our relationship from Grandma, we didn’t talk on the phone. I’d meet him around the corner from the house and he would drive me to and from school. At school we didn’t communicate though. Darius said he didn’t want people in his business and asked that I keep our relationship a secret. Having a secret affair with one of the most popular boys in school really made me feel special. I thought I was in love.”

  Kevin became concerned when he noticed Marlissa rubbing her hands vigorously and the faraway look in her eyes. Mentally, Marlissa was someplace else, somewhere very painful, but she kept talking to the armoire.

  “One morning after he picked me up, Darius said he forgot an English assignment that was due that morning. It was a Wednesday. He asked if I would mind returning to his house for a quick minute. I said I didn’t. When we got there, he asked if I wanted to come in and I said yes. Maybe if I’d had more experience I would have noticed something was wrong, but I didn’t. If I wasn’t so in love, I would have asked why the sign on the door read, ‘Welcome to the Johnstons.’ Darius’s last name was Townsend. I went into the house, just smiling and laughing at his jokes. Darius was funny,” she added matter-of-factly. “Once inside, I stopped laughing.”

  Marlissa had stopped rubbing her hands. She now twisted the ends of the down comforter. Kevin shook off the thought of what he logically assumed happened next. There was a happy ending to this story, there had to be. Marlissa was still a virgin when they met.

  “Four of Darius’s friends, who I had never seen before, were inside. I wasn’t afraid of them because Darius was still holding my hand. That’s how much I trusted him. The house was filled with this strange smell. I didn’t know it was marijuana until I saw one of the guys pass the little white roll to Darius. Up u
ntil that moment I didn’t know Darius smoked anything. I still wasn’t scared, though.”

  Marlissa closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. She moaned while moving her head from side to side. In her hands, the end of the down comforter was now ripped and its contents spilled out. Kevin knew then that what she was about to say next was far worse than what he had imagined. He couldn’t stand seeing her this way; it was too painful for him.

  “’Lissa, stop. I get the picture.”

  She didn’t hear him. “When they picked me up and carried me into somebody’s room and tied me to the bed, that’s when I got scared. It all happened so fast. One minute I was standing next to Darius, the next minute I was hollering and screaming for help. I must have screamed real loud because then they gagged me with a shirt or something.” Marlissa held conversation with the armoire again. “When Darius stood over me, for some stupid reason, I thought he was going help me. I was his girl; he wasn’t just going to sit back quietly and let his boys take what I was saving for him. The Darius I loved wouldn’t allow that to happen. He did speak up. His exact words were, ‘Since I picked her, I get to bust first.’”

  Kevin groaned, but she was in too deep to hear him.

  “My guess is that I wasn’t the first one. Darius and his boys systematically raped me. They called it running a train.” Marlissa looked perplexed. “Maybe that’s why they kept making those train noises. Anyway, after Darius shamelessly stole my virginity, I spent the entire school day being treated like a human garbage can.” Her voice fell to just above a whisper. “Five people, four of whom I didn’t even know, penetrated my every opening, sometimes simultaneously. I didn’t know you could use your mouth to have sex. I don’t remember everything; for a while I blacked out. I do remember praying and begging God to make them stop, but it didn’t work. I didn’t pray anymore after that.”

  Kevin didn’t have any tissue nearby and he didn’t want to leave her trembling body alone. He removed a pillowcase and used it to wipe her face.